i hope death is peaceful. like when you pretended to be asleep in the car as a child, just so mama would carry you inside to your bed. i hope fields of flowers & soft grass await me, & golden rays that shine upon my face. i hope i feel no pain. i hope i find peace in death.
i allowed the dirt to soak up your sweet nectar: your ichor, and it stains the earth in your purity, wills the prettiest bed of flowers to sprout from your resting place.. i will call them hyacinths to remember you.
i still hear your voice drift away with the gentle breeze, freely above the earth you’ve left me to stand on alone———though, you have been kind enough to dwell here as a reminder.
i live amongst the shadows because they know my name. the darkness, that is: loneliness, could be another name. and you.. i wish i could catch you in a glass jar like a wild firefly, & follow your light.
NO ! i never knew what it meant, what it meant to be content with you, everything i expressed, i professed it never quite made it through, said, “ it’s all in my head, all in my head, “ whenever i spoke the truth.
i’ve met you before.. in a dream. i couldn’t move, i couldn’t speak, and yet you still stayed. you had the whole dreamland to explore, and yet, you stayed with me.. so when i woke, and you were not there, i knew i had to find you in this life.
maybe i’ll use the flower petals as a blanket as i drift into eternal rest. maybe the earth will swallow me whole & spit me back out to be something prettier.
i’ll start by saving you.. i’ll make it my entire purpose, my entire reason for living, even if you won’t allow it. i wont allow your half——dead soul break the promise we made when you still believed in life.
yuji, i’m sorry. i’m going to leave you alone once more. / that’s what you’re thinking about ? .. when i was at my worst, you were by my side. and that was enough.
see how the flowers grow beneath the place your head once lay ? they are crying for you still, shrouded in sunlight, your voice in the wind: i thought i heard my name.
if i’m being honest, i’d do anything to see you———maybe in another life the universe will let me keep you. was there nothing i could do ? should’ve known, got too close, betraying what i knew. spiting cost, i forgot what made me fall for you.
“ tell everyone it wasn’t so bad, “ how could i ? how could i ever recite your story to others without choking up at the fact another page will never be written ?
“ i’m you, “ i say, with my prey trembling at my feet, giving me that pathetic expression i’ve dreamt of witnessing the moment i met him.. the sick crack of my fist against his skull enough to make me feel alive again.
“ defang me, “ i whisper, cradle you, my forbidden love, in my palms: smear those pretty tears with my thumbs, cut stained cheeks in my attempted softness. “ declaw me, so i can love you gently. “
everything i've done up until now.. it was all for nothing.. ! so i really am just a failure ! all my friends.. the entire kingdom.. my father most of all.. i tried, and i failed them all.. i've left them.. all to die.
thank you for seeing me as a lover, instead of adoring me as a god. i will never experience another like you again, my sweet hyacinthus, i’m sorry my love was not enough to keep you.
in the season of blue that seemed to go on forever, nothing obstructed the view of the four lined eyes ━━ the asphalt ground was echoing the chorus of cicadas, it prevented me from hearing the silence of you.
if you bite my hand again i will never feed you, you can call me evil———take it to the grave if you wanna play pretend, i wont be mistreated, please call me conceited.
“ it’s okay, you can do it. you’ve done so well. “ you say as i hold a severed blade to your throat, watch what i know are my own pathetic tears hit your dry, smiling cheeks. “ no, i.. i cant, i’m sorry. “
what am i going to tell you ? you're better off not knowing the trouble i'm in. i don't want you to worry about what i've just seen, about where i've just been. you don't have to be a part of this, i don't think i want you to be.. you don't need this.. you don't need me
“ you will die here as a curse, “ you say, with ichor dribbling from a busted lip, the light in your eyes dull, dimmed, & you’re leaving me to live on as a human as if i wouldn’t feel any less without you..
“ not for me, sweetheart. for yourself. i want you to do better for yourself. “ & you look at me with those lost eyes of a pup, a silent question: why ? “ why ? dare you defy my orders ? you will do this for yourself, & only yourself. “
“ come, “ i say, & you obey———of course you do, it’s what you’re made for, i think, as i fix your crooked halo from its slant. “ chin up, or it will fall again. “
if bleeding out had been the cure to saving you, i would. a million times, i’d slash open my wrists & let the red pour from wounds made for you, & i’d hand feed you my life in exchange for yours.
i carved your name into a pebble, & threw it into the lake. i watched it skip across the still water, leaving ripples in its wake.. hah———it really is like you, leaving nothing but a distant memory in fading ripples.
i’m.. not a good person. i’ve wronged even the people i love to reach my once impossible goal. and now, as i hold it in the palm of my hand: shaking, i cannot meet your eyes, for i know they’re asking me, “ why ? “
so i don’t blame you if you want to bury me in your memory, i’m not the girl i ought to be but maybe when you tell your friends you can tell them what you saw in me and not how i turned out to be.
that is what it is made for, dearest: to be consumed by you, to fill your ill——fated heart with a new tomorrow, to mend your strings & cease your flower’s wilt, for i am made to be devoured by you.
“ aren’t you cold ? “ of course you are. those lips i’d once press against my own now the colour of bellflowers: the ones you liked, right ? yes, the ones you adore, as i lay them on your gravestone.