Tracie Breaux @traciebreaux Twitter profile

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Tracie Breaux

2 months

My friend is a pilot and I told him I was having a bad day and he told me to go outside at exactly 12:50 and look up and, not gonna lie, my day got better

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said "little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?" and in her best batman voice she replied, "BLOOD AND BONES."

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

My husband let the dog outside, watched out the window to make sure he was out of ear range then turned to me and whispered “I got him a new chew rope for Christmas.” I hope to one day find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

7 months

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas. I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

5 months

The History Channel on the weekends

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

My 4 yr old niece didn't even make it to the end of the The Little Mermaid before she said ALL OF THAT FOR A MAN? CAN WE JUST WATCH CARS AGAIN

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

Someone asked me what I did this weekend like I’m some sort of mountain climber. I’m 50 years old Conner, I was on a heating pad eating nachos.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

20 days

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

7 months

The best time of the year for me is the week before Christmas when I close my bedroom door and shout DON’T COME IN HERE! and everyone just assumes I’m wrapping gifts instead of wanting to be left alone.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

3 months

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 months

“Um.” - 1st cow that got milked

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

My son had to take our cat to the vet and was too embarrassed to say the cat's name was Pablo Purrcasso and he just said the cat's name was Greg.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

5 months

Husband: I thought you were on a diet Me: I am Husband: You just ate 5 cookies Me: Yes, but I wanted 10. Portion control is part of a DIET

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

Aerial footage of Nick Cannon’s kids waiting to see Santa

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

My husband extended his hand toward me and I took it and held it tightly like we were teenagers again. He looked deep into my eyes and said “I was reaching for the remote.”

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

3 months

Me on my way to yell at my husband for being on his phone after I got bored of using mine

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

5 months

My dog got a credit card offer in the mail. I’m about to ruin his credit.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

I once squirted a guy I was dating with water and he told me I was immature. The next guy I dated I did the same thing and he dragged a water hose in the kitchen and sprayed me. We cleaned the kitchen and 6 months later got married. LADIES MARRY THE FUN GUY THE OTHER GUY IS A DUD

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I'm 47 and I still don't know.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

When I was 12, my dad's mom who I barely knew mailed me some Mr. T posters for Christmas and my dad made me hang them in my room so as not to hurt her feelings and then made me write her a thank-you letter saying I PITY THE FOOL WHO TOUCHES MY POSTERS. I still think about that

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

Husband: we got invited to 3 holiday parties Me: yay people like us Husband: are we going Me: absolutely not

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that's where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

1 month

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

8 months

Me: *buys a bottle of water and granola bar* Kohl’s receipt: You saved $327 today

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

The dog

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

11 years

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

7 months

Sorry I’m late. I was scraping the clearance tag off your Christmas present.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

My 8 year old just screamed WE'LL HAVE THE USUAL at the McDonald's drive thru

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

I accidentally used my son's body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 months

Me on my way to work knowing there is an 11 yr old YouTuber who makes $2 million a month

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

7 months

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 months

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

1 year

I’m not trying to be dramatic but having to get up out of bed every morning is ruining my life

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I "looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!" Peaches is our dog.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

*gets friendzoned* yay I have a friend

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

3 years

I feel like we've been saying "it can't get any worse" for at least 2 years now

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

I was so proud when my 12 yr old told me maybe I should use my Twitter account to make the world a better place so I hugged him and looked him dead in the eye and said, "that's not my brand Andrew, now go back to playing fortnite."

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches? Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts 8: Can we buy some after he dies? Me: Sure

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

4 pm: 5 pm: 6 pm: 7 pm: 8 pm: 9 pm: 9:59 pm: 12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

turns out i don't want a husband. i just want someone to feed me snacks and drive me to target. sorry for the confusion

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

8 months

It’s that special time of year again where middle schoolers try to show us all up by not wearing jackets

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

1 year

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

Me whispering into my kale salad after eating a few bites: you better make me look like Miss Universe you gross bowl of cabbage garbage

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

For Christmas, I didn't buy any presents for my kids. This year I wanted to teach them a valuable lesson so I sat them all down and explained to them what Christmas is really about, which is me finally getting the Land Rover I deserve. Sure, they cried, but lesson learned.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

7 months

Me out in the world trying to be a social butterfly

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

Me: I haven't been able to keep the house clean for 10 years My 10 year old: Hey that's how old I am Me: What a coincidence

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

My top 4 moments from 2022: 1. 2. 3. 4. My ex boyfriend waved to me from his Tesla as I walked home from Walmart carrying a plunger

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

11 years

Rich people stay rich by living like they're broke. Broke people stay broke by living like they're rich. Life laughs at us.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

If you are single, picture what you think marriage is like. Wrong. You are both in Home Depot arguing over a light fixture.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

3 years

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me Husband: But it’s just us and we are home Me: *tightening mask*

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

I don’t understand why men don’t carry purses. I mean, how do they carry their 50lbs of trash?

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

5 months

Stages of marriage: 1. Get married 2. WHY ARE YOU BREATHING SO LOUD 3. Get divorced

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

I like to send love notes in my husband's lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

am I beautiful? No. But do I make up for it with an amazing personality? Also no

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

4 months

well, well, well…guess who got blocked today

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

I passed a couple holding hands while power walking and it gave me hope that one day I’d find that special someone to hate them with me.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

11 months

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

3 years

I keep a knife by my bed in case someone tries to break in with an uncut pie

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

I asked my neighbor's 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother's Day gift they bought me.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

An important message to aspiring tweeters: Two years ago I was a horrible tweeter full of self-doubt and feeling hopeless. Today, I'm still a horrible tweeter but fat now so you might need to buy bigger clothes.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

3 years

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me 25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid 50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

4 years

Marriage tip: Stay single

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

5 years

My husband is a member of a warehouse to buy bulk items so I asked him to pick me up a few tubes of lip balm and this is what he came home with 😫

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

1 year

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like? Him: *disables smoke alarm*

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

There's a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I'm not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

My 12 yr old just saw me on Twitter and asked me what level I'm on and I'm not sure what level this is, but no matter what I'm pretty sure it's still rock bottom.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

7 months

My therapist and I saw each other at the grocery store and pretended not to know each other. Next week’s session writes itself.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

It’s always exciting when my husband hangs the mistletoe then leads me to it so I can take a picture of him kissing the dog

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

3 years

Sometimes I hide my husband's socks from him by putting them in his sock drawer

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

1 year

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

9 months

911: what is your emergency? Me: my husband bought me a salad instead of pizza 911: how is that— Me: he needs an ambulance

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

5 months

sorry I thought you said it was a raveyard

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

I had to ask 3 people to help me put this IKEA joke together.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 months

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

3 years

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

3 years

Prayers for my husband who texted back "k" when I said "Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!"

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

Five minutes into a jog, I convince myself that my personality is enough and jog into a McDonalds

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

3 years

Please don't call me on my phone. I don't use it for talking to people

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

*gets friendzoned* yay i have a friend

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

Someone asked me what my plans are for the weekend like I'm some sort of mountain climber

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

11 months

Twitter 2022 vs Twitter 2023

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 months

How to be an adult: 1. Avoid people you know in public 2. Say, “we need to get together!” if they see you 3. Do NOT get together 4. OF COURSE I WILL GO TO YOUR PARTY! 5. Don’t go

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

I begged my husband to go to a movie with me and he asked if it was a chick flick and I said no and then he asked if it had people killing each other and I said sure and halfway through the movie he asked when the killing would start. THE MOVIE WAS INSTANT FAMILY

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

my new years resolution is for my neighbors to move

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

3 years

I didn't want to get into an argument with our neighbor so I subtly renamed our wifi "WHAT THE HELL, CRAIG? DON'T START CUTTING YOUR GRASS BEFORE 8:00 AM!"

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

I saw my 4 yr old niece pretending to text on a toy phone so I picked up my phone and said, "can i call you?" and without hesitation or looking up at me she said "it's going straight to voicemail" and continued to text

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

8 months

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

2 years

What part of "I need to stop spending all my money" don't I understand

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

Years ago a blind date who was "between jobs" told me he liked his women thin (they couldn't be more than 5 lbs overweight) and I was "just under the weight requirements." I told him I liked my men employed and walked out.

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

6 years

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted "tooth fairy" so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

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Tracie Breaux

@traciebreaux

4 months

Wet owls look like they are going through a bitter divorce

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