Mike Townsend @townsendyesmate Twitter profile

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

9 months

4 years clean today, that's huge. Life is beautiful and I love everyone so much. Let's get it.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 years

Cant seem to sleep. Let's see if the bright light of my phone containing all the information in the entire world held inches away from my face for the next 15 minutes manages to lull me into a peaceful slumber.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

3 months

mistyped "Sure thing!" as "Sure ting!" on a work email just now

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 years

Accidentally said "please" twice when ordering a coffee earlier. "Please can I have an oat flat white please". Oh please make me a hot caffeinated beverage I will be ever so grateful. Please love me and look after me. How pathetic.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

3 years

What's with those tiny handles on the side of maple syrup bottles. Too small for human hands. So what are they for? Something horrifying I expect. Much to think about anyway.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Dude in my building messaged the groupchat saying he ordered 20 loose carrots from tesco but they sent him 20 bags of carrots. Just gone to his flat & taken 2 off him. The bags of carrots were everywhere. He looked stressed. I fear the burden of all those carrots has broken him.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

3 months

Do you ever listen to a tune you added to one of your spotify playlists and just think hmm, not my best work, this song is not good at all

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 months

i truly do not give a fuck at this point guys

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

8 months

Does anyone remember the password to my office computer. And also a single aspect of how my job works.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 months

Just going to watch this all day if that's alright ❤️❤️❤️

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

11 months

Caffeine only counts when its in a hot drink. When its in a cold drink, a delicious can of diet coke for example, the body is able to reject its stimulating properties meaning you can have one as late as you want. I honestly thought everybody knew this.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

5 months

Get so sad when I finish my first coffee of the day. I will have a second one soon, but nothing beats your first. I had the whole day ahead of me when I was drinking that, the world was at my feet. Now im just some guy getting on with it.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 month

When I was a kid there was nothing that seemed more luxurious, more decadent, more money in the bank than these things. Just look at the craftsmanship on those shells, that is pure artistry.

𝑓.

@momentsofence

1 month

belgian seashell chocolate 🐚

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

4 months

2.5hr train ride, headphones on, movie loaded up on your phone, tea, snacks and a DC on the table, no one encroaching on your space. That shit doesn't feel like a journey, it feels like the destination. I'd travel anywhere in that seat.

Jonathan Hazan 🇺🇦

@jhazan

4 months

I don’t know how this could be considered an acceptable seat in any class!

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Just removed the word "URGENT" myself from subject line when replying to an email that clearly wasnt urgent. Felt so good to take my power back. It was added in again by the recipient literally one reply later but for a minute I lived like a king.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 months

Someone just closed a work email to me with "have a cracking weekend". Friday and it aint even 10am yet, what a guy. That is how you do it, I might sign off now too brother. Have a cracking weekend yourself by the way.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 months

Horrible being the first one to sign a group birthday card at work. Its on me to set the tone, do we go funny, sincere & affectionate, clinical & professional perhaps. No privacy at all either, everyone is gonna read my message when they write theirs. Im fucking panicking here.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

8 months

I can't believe we can just have all those days off and then suddenly it's over and we have to go back to work? Just out of nowhere? What the hell man that isn't right at all

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

7 months

Minus 5 degrees is fucking mental, thats not safe at all. No emails today I dont think, our focus should be on survival. Lets circle back next week once we are out of the woods.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

8 months

They should do an Outlook wrapped. Most frequently contacted, how many emails you ignored, highest word count per recipient, how many times you said the word "sorry", which sender needlessly used the most urgent flags. It would be really boring but I still want to see it.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

3 months

My journal has a little section at the top of each page where you can note the weather for the day. I absolutely love all that. Its sunny today by the way guys, I've locked that in.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

3 years

I receive a bathbomb as a gift every year. And I always feel anxiety over when to deploy it. Why now? What if theres a more important bath later? But u know what, as soon as i see those colours, those bright lights, I know ive chosen the right moment. Lush, you've done it again.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Can you imagine how good a nationwide, permanent 4 day week would actually be. Just an overwhelmingly positive change for everyone. It would genuinely make life so much better in such a meaningful way. Its such a good idea that it will obviously never be allowed to happen.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 years

Fun night in the pub. Now to lay awake and analyse every word that left my mouth in such excruciating detail that I convince myself I am a terrible, terrible person. Its called science.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

So dehumanising writing a little blurb about yourself to the AirBnb host when u request a booking. Please sir let me pay a weeks wages so I can stay in your lodgings. I am but a humble, boring man, I am quiet as a mouse. I have no fun or disruptive friends. I love landlords ❤️

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 years

Making a jacket potato in the oven. There's not a single meal that exists on earth which should take this long. Sitting here patiently for what must be hours now & what is my reward? Just a single potato? People have cooked up banquets, great feasts even, in less time than this.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

8 months

I really am a pathetic film rater. My letterboxd is almost entirely 4 stars, I have to despise a film to give it 3 stars or less. Truth be told I think I am just so happy to be in the cinema having a nice time that any movie in front of me is by default overwhelmingly positive.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

9 days

Its going to be 33 degrees tomorrow. Perfect conditions for sitting in front of a computer screen all day and making money for a giant corporation if you ask me.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

4 months

Guys, have you seen its pouring down with torrential rain outside right now. Yet weirdly, it was incredibly bright and sunny over the weekend. Just a few ideas for some chit chat material in your office kitchen today should you be in the mood.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

5 months

Dont forget guys, now the sun is coming out & spring is here, u need to buy more jackets. Whatever jackets u already own, u need more. If u see a nice jacket that u like, don't hesitate, make sure u purchase it. Money is temporary, a nice jacket is permanent. You deserve it.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 month

£4.20 for a coffee man. Fuck it why not make it a fiver. Or just a nice even 35 pounds. Do you want me to come back there and sing for you as well.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

8 months

Absolutely love waking up and immediately consuming short form video content on my phone and completely over stimulating my mind in a strange and confusing way

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 years

Two days is just not enough for me I'm sorry. Did a big food shop earlier, also mopped my flat yesterday. That's not leisure time, its work! You go out for one little coffee and before you know it, the weekend is over. I can't go on like this.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 years

Darks wash, colours wash, lights wash. Load the machine, unload the machine, put the clothes out to dry, fold the clothes & put back in the cupboard. Oh look, time for another dark wash again. It never ends, I cant take it for much longer. There has to be more to life than this.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Hate seeing a lorry on the road like this without a trailer. Not their fault I know but they just look absolutely pathetic. Put some clothes on you are disgusting me right now.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

6 months

Saying "what time do u call this?" to a colleague if they walk into the office later than usual. Absolutely classic. Even better if they had a legitimate reason for being late that was made clear beforehand like a doctors appointment. Just good, clean fun for the whole gang.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

11 months

Just heard a woman shout "Yoo hoo!" to get a person's attention across the street. You don't hear many Yoo hoo!'s anymore do you. Shame, think it works quite well as a way of calling someone. Playful, not too demanding, does what it needs to do without ruffling any feathers.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

21 days

Sat next to someone on the tube who's using a calculator. No laptop or phone out, no notepad or pen to write anything down, she's just straight up calculating things. What is she cooking. Love it though.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

8 months

Just about to read an article by a regional newspaper on their website from my mobile phone. I sure hope the way they display adverts doesn't render the entire experience a total nightmare or anything.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

9 months

Love going out for dinner because if I was to eat a basket of bread before my meal at home it would be considered weird, reckless & possibly dysfunctional but in a restaurant it is considered normal, healthy and dare I say even chic

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

19 days

Working from home and I just realised I've been on my laptop answering emails in complete silence for an hour. No music, no TV, just pure workflow. Undiluted employment. Mainlining tasks. I have never been more dialled in in my entire life. Thats enough of that now though.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Euthanasia

The Cosmetic Lane

@TheCosmeticLane

1 year

If money weren’t an object, what’s one procedure invasive or non-invasive that you’d get?

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

8 months

I absolutely love squashing garlic with the back of a knife. Pressing down on the blade, leaning my entire body into it until that little bulb is obliterated beneath me. I dont fuck with garlic crushers, I keep it all anologue, all raw power. Just me and the garlic.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

26 days

Just about to hang up a towel heavy wash. Gotta be 6 items, 7 max. I can't wait for this. A reward for all the sock heavy washes I've been hanging up recently. Let's get it.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

10 months

I just heard on the news that its too dark in the morning so work is actually cancelled. Its a nationwide thing, isnt that crazy. Enjoy your day off everyone.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

8 months

Poor man. Likely one of the lowest points of his life, now posted online forever. People even tagging the police in the comments. If u watch this & your first reaction is to ridicule or be punitive then you're just not a good person I dont think. I hope he finds recovery one day.

nj.

@njoffline

8 months

thought I had seen it all

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

I am absolutely speechless at how light and sunny it is right now. I know the clocks change like this every year but it just feels different this time. I feel overwhelmed with joy, I could high five the sky. I want to sleep outside tonight.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

8 months

They absolutely killed it when they came up with chocolate oranges. Well done Terry mate you've played a blinder there, buy yourself a cold one on me.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

8 months

What on earth are those Cadburys mini eggs laced with. Just the mere scent of that sweet dusty shell will have me howling at the moon like a wolf. Bravo.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

9 months

Home all evening with no plans. Perfect excuse to hold my phone up close to my face for 5 hours & continuously flick between 4 different social media apps & my emails until my mind is too tired to think about anything sad & I can finally become unconscious.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

25 days

Read a review years and years ago suggesting that Charli XCX constantly made tunes that pushed pop music forward, but she never stood still long enough to enjoy the rewards when the mainstream sound followed behind her. So cool seeing these things finally aligning now.

Talk of the Charts

@talkofthecharts

25 days

Charli xcx’s “360” is #1 on Spotify’s Today’s Top Hits playlist.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

4 months

This was my dream as a child, to have an accidental slip at work and receive financial compensation. Instead I just do emails and meetings. Sad.

JustRandomThoughts

@randomstuffxzxz

4 months

This advert is one of those things you think about wide awake at 3 in the morning

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

16 days

I have got some absolutely incredible news to share everyone

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

11 months

Do people not understand how much difference an extra £783 takehome per month would make to your life!

🇧🇩🐅🇵🇸

@plsitsnotme

11 months

This type of shit breaks my heart and no wonder why people evade tax lol i am so angry. £49,999 per year vs £65,000 per year

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

5 months

Saw something beautiful the other day. A train car wash. I watched it go all the way through that thing. End to end. It was so clean afterwards. My goodness.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

19 days

Filling up the bath with more hot water when you're still in it 👌👌👌. Just a little top up to keep this party going. Boiling myself like a crab here but thats the game.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 years

Felt faint on the bus like I was gonna pass out, but instead of alerting someone for help I got off at the next stop & walked to a spot behind a wall & just sat there waiting to lose consciousness in private. Pretty sure housecats do this too when they're about to die. My guys.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Blocked so many numbers since I got clean but every now and then you get a message from one that's slipped through the net. 10/10 for emoji usage though. Almost sorry to have to block you mate but I wish you all the best.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

6 months

Wasted like 3 working hours talking about the glasgow willy wonka experience in the office today. Reckon I can get another couple in before 6pm. I love this shit. People should do mad and fraudulent things like this more often.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

6 months

Boss just referred to having lunch at your desk at work as "al desko" lol. Love all that.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 years

BeReal going off at 10.30pm is insane. I'm in bed right now fighting demons on several fronts as I try desperately to force myself into unconsciousness. This is no time for photographs.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

8 months

(Watching a foreign language movie with subtitles at home on the sofa whilst looking at my phone for the first 20 minutes) hmm, something not really grabbing me about this film to be honest

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

7 months

Misleading how they put a picture of a baby on these. These aren't for children they are for me, a grown man.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

3 years

there's too many Claphams on the northern line I'm sorry. why am I arriving in Clapham three times?? what sort of purgatory have I been trapped in? might as well be called the Clapham line. pathetic. ive had enough. but otherwise I wish it all the best.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

This dude was born to perform, what a showman. Love him.

Sanny Rudravajhala

@Sanny_Rudra

1 year

More disruption at #Wimbledon ! Another Just Stop Oil protester gets onto Court 18 with a jigsaw and confetti! @BBCSport

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Seen like 10 tiktoks going on about this bakery and I'm just gonna say it: these croissants are too big and there is nothing inherently desirable about taking a really nice thing and supersizing it.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

6 months

One year on The Apprentice they should let an experienced senior manager with a proven career in project management be a contestant. Just some guy who is easy to work with, is liked & respected by his peers & has a healthy balance of self belief & humility. A really good dude.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 months

So good when u walk into the office kitchen & 2 people are visibly having a highly confidential conversation. Carry on guys don't mind me I love secrets & l hardly ever disperse them amongst my close friends & colleagues as a way of forming bonds or just simply passing some time.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

6 months

Online shops need to outlaw returns where u print the label. Do I look like I own a printer. Do I look like I buy the little ink cartridges from Argos & have a stack of paper in my bedroom. This isnt the 1920s we have phones & all sorts of cool shit now, lets work together here.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

3 months

Just making a jacket potato for dinner. I hope it will be ready for me to eat at some point in the next one hundred billion years.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

6 months

Throw all my shoes, coats and bags in there so that it becomes more and more cluttered over time until it starts to kind of stress me out and have a detrimental effect on my emotional wellbeing

Ｗ 𝗜 𝗦 𝗘 𝗖 𝗢 𝗡 𝗡 𝗘 𝗖 𝗧 𝗢 𝗥 ™ 💬

@wiseconnector

6 months

What would you do with this space?

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Love seeing people eating homemade overnight oats at their desks in their little jars. You put the time in & backed yourself & now you're reaping the rewards. Pleasure to watch you work. Enjoy mate.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Couple sitting next to me in this cafe chain smoking cigarettes whist calmy having a seemingly quite serious argument about infidelity. Undeniably very chic it has to be said. I hope they both win.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Got refused entry for Wembley stadium because my tote bag was over the A4 sized limit. Only had my wallet in it, so I took it out, folded the tote up & put it in my pocket, then walked to another entrance & got in. What a rush. Fugitive from the law right now. I love tote bags.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 years

Just gonna go to the CoOp by mine to spend about 18 pounds on like 3 items of food that I don't particularly need if anyone wants anything

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 years

Love the Bakerloo line. Sitting on my little sofa in my cosy little carriage as I rattle around violently towards my destination.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

8 months

Just progressed to talking stage with my gym bro. Instead of nodding our heads when we walked past each other I went "morning mate" and he did the same. We've gone verbal. So exciting, I'm absolutely ecstatic about this. I love you man.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

What are we going to do when it's June and there isn't any bank holidays. And don't even get me started about July. We should have two bank holidays every month of the year without question. I seriously do not see any downsides to this.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Just paid £2.70 for a flat white & I almost fell to my knees in gratitude. Starting to feel like 2016 in here all of a sudden. Looking around the coffee shop for signs that this is actually the headquarters of some kind of charitable organisation rather than a legitimate business

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Love it when you're in a mini tesco & u just know that for no reason, the security guard has made u his project. He's at the end of every aisle. His eyes burn into the back of your skull when u pay. When u leave, a respectful nod is exchanged. An honour dueling with u sir.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 years

Riddle me this. Why should I, a kind and innocent person, who's only crime was to put my clothes inside the washing machine, now have to unload those clothes and then hang them up to dry? Where is the humanity in that? My goodness

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

10 months

The dude at the tills in pret just now was like "how can I help you my friend" and then charged me £8.40 for a tiny box of salad. Friends don't do that to each other man. They just don't.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

10 months

Would hate to work from home every day because id miss out on one of my favourite pastimes: gossiping. I love receiving gossip, dispersing gossip, circulating & disseminating gossip, being both the architect & analyser of gossip. I love it all. Any time, anywhere, any place.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

4 months

Once I accidentally k-holed and then cried hysterically on my own in a pub during the afternoon and I saw a child laughing at me. Therefore it is my opinion that Children should not be allowed inside pubs because I found that personally quite embarrassing.

KYLE

@hifromkyle

4 months

Found my new local

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

5 months

Yes bro come over we're huffing the fumes from an empty bag of Mini Eggs

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

3 months

Blackfriars, goated station. They did not have to go so hard with that panoramic window over the Thames. This isnt a station, its a destination. Whether its rainy, sunny, morning or night, it always feels like you're in the movies. I wish I lived here.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

6 months

Pancake day. Lemon, sugar, thin little crepe, what more do you need. Simple, elegant, classic, for grown ups. For the thinking man. Let's get it.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

3 months

Nice tabs you got open on your browser that you're screen sharing brother, hope you dont mind if I scrutinise them all and make sweeping judgements about your personality based on what I am seeing

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

8 months

Love being on the Victoria line & suddenly you pass through a station called Warren Street. In zone 1 of all places! What the hell is Warren Street. What are you even doing here, shoulder to shoulder with big hitters like Euston & Oxford Circus. Good for you man, whoever you are.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

6 months

Pros of bringing a packed lunch from home into work: saves money, time, let's me eat more mindfully and healthily Cons: literally so fucking boring and makes my life feel considerably worse as a result

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 years

Wearing a new outfit in the office today. Regret it. It's giving my mum bought me new clothes for Christmas and aren't I a smart little boy vibe. Bought these myself with my own money but no one will believe that now will they.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 years

Starting to think I might not win that three million pound house in the heart of London that I paid £10 to enter a raffle for on instagram 5 weeks ago you know

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

10 months

Very cold in my flat. I wont be turning my heating on though. Duvet on the sofa, fleece over my jumper, hot water bottle in bed, I could go on. Big Heating has no idea the lengths I will go to keep my body warm before I give them a penny of my money. Im prepared to die for this.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

6 months

Dude in front of me in the shop with eggs, flour and sugar in his basket. Oh I know what you're making when you get home. Enjoy pal.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Absolutely nothing worse than burning an oven pizza. Literally the simplest task in the world and I fucked it up because I was on my phone. No plan b in the fridge, confidence too rocked to even eat now anyway. God I feel horrible about this, what a total nightmare.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

8 months

Time to turn on my TV and see what this horrible little c*nt has to say

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

10 months

If you spend too much on the weekend immediately after payday they should let you start again on Monday. That wasn't fair of you to give me all that money on a Friday guys what else was I supposed to do. Why not give this old dog a second chance.

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Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

1 year

Payday on a Friday is it? Wouldn't it be such a shame if I was to, oh I don't know, completely fucking ruin my entire budget for the month by living massively beyond my means all weekend for no particular reason

7

472

5K

Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

2 months

Been arguing with my old landlord for 6 weeks about the deposit and they just agreed to transfer it all back

5

27

5K

Mike Townsend

@townsendyesmate

9 months

I was cycling past Winter Wonderland earlier & just thinking, what if I just went there on my own. Straight from work, pop in, drink some hot chocolate, eat some chips, go on a few rides, then just go home. Im literally an adult, who could realistically stop me doing any of that.

28

64

5K