tony the human D2.0 @tonyt7337 Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@belairmax0429

@RealLoganMac

@mina_37imd

@homu_shi

@zogbaa

@stw46

@peach_Chu333

@tiriveedhi8888

@PERRYSdc

@terunori_916

@kambuayaviktor

@Richard89418606

@johnjohnson

@Mosn12020Bk

@badnezzrl

@hao_says_hao

@wgrahvm

@Tat55127261

@VmaniakJ

@missriarose

@jandakembangstw

@TMArecruiting

@stw46

@SanguDelle

@CehkuFn

@Juanan78001725

@watermelonomad

@vrpug

@angell23xoxo

@KasihLudah

@schikanza

@Ashley_Rider88

@makeine_anime

@AndrewRulnick

@jandakembangstw

@LoudounMontPSEY

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

6 months

Good morning. It's my 50th birthday today but I'm not going to let aging get me down, It's getting to hard to get up again🥴

276

41

641

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

3 months

Good morning. My brother was stung on his forehead by a bee. He’s at the ER now, his face all swollen and bruised, he almost died. Luckily I was close enough to stop it being any worse by hitting the bee with my shovel🥴

137

58

566

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

6 months

Good morning. My grandson asked me "Where does poo come from?" I tried to give my best explanation about the digestive system. He looked a bit confused and after a couple of minutes of silence he asked " What about Tigger?"🥴

41

34

262

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

4 months

Good morning. I caught someone breaking into our house last night. I didn’t shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead. Our three cats did the rest🥴

36

30

241

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I went to buy a can of fly spray and asked the assistant “Is this good for wasps?” she replied “No, it kills them.”🤦‍♂️🥴

47

24

228

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

5 months

Good morning. An elderly woman just moved in next door and she was telling me that after her husband had died she never looked at another man for 25yrs But now that she's out of prison, she can honestly say it was worth it🥴

44

23

201

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

5 months

Good morning. I was sat on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, “Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place…” I asked, “Are you single?” She replied, “No, I’m a dentist.”🥴

52

28

201

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. My Dad was bragging about his hearing aid. “State of the art,” he said. “Cost me a fortune.” “Awesome,” I said, “What type is it?” “Two thirty,” he replied🥴

36

19

187

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed........everybody🥴

28

10

162

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?” I replied, “Kindergarten.”🥴

25

14

160

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

3 months

Good morning. I just had a phone call from someone who sneezed, coughed and then just hung up. I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls🥴

53

12

168

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I saw a booked called ' How to solve 50% of all your problems' so I bought two🥴

36

13

165

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I always knock on the fridge before I open it. Just in case there’s a salad dressing🥴

49

13

156

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

4 months

Good morning. What’s the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chickpeas? The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song and Chickpeas can Hummus one🥴

40

18

157

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I heard Boeing are expecting the next big thing in aviation to be their new invisible aeroplanes... but I can't see them taking off🥴

36

10

151

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

9 months

Good morning. I’m at the airport and there’s a woman completely passed out on the baggage carousel! But don't worry she’s slowly coming around 🥴

31

6

151

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

6 months

Good morning. This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop. I must have a chess infection🥴

54

17

146

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

9 months

Good morning. I tripped over a box of Kleenex this morning and thought I had broken my ankle. Luckily it was only soft tissue damage🥴

37

11

143

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

4 months

Good morning. I got my meds and the cats meds mixed up this morning. Don’t ask meow but I'm feline fine😵‍💫

57

12

144

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

6 months

Good morning. I completed my first nude painting yesterday. The neighbors weren’t happy but the front door looks great🥴

44

12

138

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

4 months

Good morning. My Uber driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?” I said “Not at all.” He said “Kiss?” I replied “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel.”🥴

50

12

141

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

3 months

Good morning. Does anyone know when the oldest age someone could get a circumcision is? I just want to know if there's a cut off date🥴

61

3

140

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I just bought a pen that can write underwater........It can also write other words too🥴

23

10

131

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I was visiting a museum and asked the curator if I was allowed to take pictures. He said no, they had to stay on the walls🥴

36

10

131

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

4 months

Good morning. Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill. It’s a little fit bunny 🥴

49

17

132

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. My son asked if I had seen the dog bowl. I said "No, I didn't even know he could"🥴

18

14

130

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

7 months

Good morning. I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager asked “Do you mind waiting a bit?” I said “No” “Good” he replied “Take these drinks to table nine.”🥴

33

9

130

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. My son told me he didn’t understand cloning. I replied “That makes two of us”🥴

39

8

125

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

9 months

Good morning. I was at the hospital yesterday and told the Dr. that I was bitten by a wolf. He asked "Where?" "No, a normal one" I replied😁🥴

33

5

128

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

3 months

Good morning. My wife said " The man across the road kisses his wife every morning when he leaves for work, Why don't you do that?" I replied " Why would I, I don't even know her"🥴

35

10

128

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

9 months

Good morning. My wife said she is kicking me out because she’s fed up with me going on about South American animals. “Okay,” I said, “Alpaca my bags.”

32

14

127

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

8 months

Good morning. I did my first nude painting yesterday. The neighbors weren’t happy but the front door looks great🥴

32

8

123

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I find it really hard to talk about what my daughter does for a living. She sells sea shells on the sea shore🥴

33

9

122

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. What do you call a can opener that’s broken? A can’t opener🥴

35

13

125

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst🥴

37

8

124

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

3 months

Good morning. I told my therapist “I’m learning kung fu, MMA, boxing and bought a stun gun all because of my fear of birds.” She replied “I think you might be getting carried away.” I replied “Not without a fight, I’m not!”🥴

44

10

120

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

2 months

Good morning. What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed? Sea kelp🥴

38

12

120

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

9 months

Good morning. I went to the bookstore and asked the employee “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?” He said “Of course. Which one?” I said “William.”🥴

34

6

120

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I was talking to my new neighbor and he asked me, “What do you do?” I said “I race cars.” He asked “Do you win many races?” I said “No, the cars are much faster.”🥴

23

15

119

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

3 months

Good morning. My dentist told me, “This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?” I said, “Yes, I’m ready.” He said, “I’m sleeping with your wife.”🥴

46

11

119

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

5 months

Good morning. I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof. I was shocked🥴

40

10

118

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. my favourite teacher was Mrs Turtle.... Strange name but she tortoise well🥴

29

9

116

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

3 months

Good morning. I popped into McDonald's and ate a kids meal. Boy did his dad get angry🥴

42

8

118

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head🥴

28

11

109

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I threw a ball for my dog and I have to say that he looked amazing in a tuxedo 🥴

25

6

113

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

8 months

Good morning. I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes. “That’s not a lizard,” the owner told me. “That’s a stand-up chameleon.”🥴

29

6

115

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

8 months

Good morning. My son told me that he had just watched a guy do 100 straight push-ups and asked me if I could do that. I said. “It's been a while but I could probably watch a guy do 500 straight push-ups"🥴

33

14

113

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

6 months

Good morning. Just found out that someone in my family was secretly an owl in disguise. When I asked them about it my youngest daughter asked "Who?" It's always the one you least suspect🥴

34

14

113

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

5 months

Good morning. I’ve decided I want a pet termite. I’m going to call him Clint. Clint Eatswood🥴

42

11

112

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

9 months

Good morning. What does a politician do after he dies? He lies still🥴

24

14

111

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

3 months

Good morning. I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn’t actually mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up🥴

40

9

113

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I bought a knife that can cut through four loaves of bread at once. It’s a four loaf cleaver🥴

45

5

109

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

9 months

Good morning. The bad news is, I dropped my cactus today. The worse news is that I caught it🥴

33

6

109

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

7 months

Good morning. I caught a man stealing my socks off my clothesline. I was going to confront him but I got cold feet🥴

37

9

110

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

9 months

Good morning. A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Caesar. I said "I’d take a stab at it"🥴

28

3

109

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

6 months

Good morning. I missed the World Hairdressing Championships on TV last night. Does anyone know if they’re showing highlights?🥴

35

9

109

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. Does anyone want to buy a broken barometer?....No pressure🥴

25

10

105

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

8 months

Good morning. I was starting my new job at the pharmacy this morning when a guy walked in. “I’ve got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it’s going to explode” he said “Have you got anything?” I said “No, I feel fine.”🥴

24

4

108

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

6 months

Good morning. A woman goes to the butchers, “I’d like an oxtail please.” “Certainly” replies the butcher. “Once upon a time, there was an ox …”🥴

33

6

108

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

7 months

Good morning. There was a fire drill at IKEA today. We all assembled in the car park🥴

37

9

107

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

3 months

Good morning. Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race. Apparently he’s been using performance enhancing rugs🥴

41

8

107

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I walked into a seafood restaurant and sked for the lobster tail. The waitress smiled at me and said "Once upon a time there was a beautiful lobster..."🥴

24

8

102

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

2 months

Good morning. The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn🥴

38

12

107

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

6 months

Good morning. Police are hunting a knitting needle attacker. They think he’s following some sort of pattern🥴

38

15

105

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

5 months

Good morning. My house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken. Knowing my luck it's a poultrygeist🥴

39

4

105

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

9 months

Good morning. I took my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and she kept insisting on paying for the meal. I said, “Don’t be silly, we’re half way down the road now. Just keep running!”🥴

28

9

104

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I’m dedicating my life to finding a cure for insomnia......I won’t rest till I find it🥴

33

8

101

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

4 months

Good morning. I have two unwritten rules. 1. 2.

37

10

105

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I went to the Dr who told me that I have a bladder infection. "What’s that?" I asked. He replied “Urine trouble”🥴

31

14

101

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

7 months

Good morning. When I came home from work, my wife said “The baby has been crying for hours. Will you take over?” I said “Of course I will" Sat down and started crying🥴

28

8

105

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

8 months

Good morning. My dad always said “No news is good news”. Great guy but awful journalist🥴

27

6

101

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

10 months

Good morning. Got home from work today to find my kids have been on eBay all day. If they’re still there tomorrow I’ll lower the price🥴

30

10

103

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

7 months

Good morning. I bumped into a beautiful woman while out today. She asked for my phone number… then my insurance info🥴

27

8

101

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

11 months

Good morning. I told my niece that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She said, “How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”🥴

31

12

101

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I followed the recipe that said “Set the oven to 180 degrees.” But now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.

28

11

101

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I have a nerdy friend who just got a PhD on the uses of palindromes...We now call him Dr Awkward🥴

18

8

101

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

8 months

Good morning. I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?” I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”🥴

22

7

101

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

8 months

Good morning. This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop. I think I have a chess infection🥴

39

8

101

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I took a video of my feet yesterday.....I have to say that I got some pretty good footage🥴

30

9

98

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

5 months

Good morning. I fly often for business and yesterday I had three bags to check. I said “I’d like this bag to go to London, this one to New York, and the third to Chicago.” The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, “We can’t do that!” I said, “Why not? You did it last week.”🥴

30

8

101

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

6 months

Good morning. Did you hear about the wig shop that got robbed? They’re looking into replacing all the locks🥴

37

10

99

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

3 months

Good morning. I've discovered a breed of dog that will herd sheep all day then fetch you a bottle of wine when the work has finished. It's called a Bordeaux Collie🥴

36

8

100

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport puns. My doctor says it’s terminal🥴

27

7

97

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

5 months

Good morning. I had an accident losing 3 fingers on my right hand, I asked the Dr. if I would ever be able to write with it He replied “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”🥴

34

8

100

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. Yesterday I had an interview for a job at a blacksmiths. The blacksmith asked me “Are you any good at shoeing horses?” I said “No but I once told a Donkey to go away.”🥴

21

8

93

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

6 months

Good morning. I said to my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?” Her: AI? Me: AI. Her: Oh🥴

27

12

97

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

4 months

Good morning. Did you hear about the guy who was afraid of hurdles? He's over it now😵‍💫

34

8

98

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

5 months

Good morning. I got so angry earlier that I threw my keyboard against the wall and parts flew everywhere. That’s when the shift hit the fan🥴

31

4

97

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I just quit my job at the helium factory. I won’t be spoken to in that tone🥴

33

7

96

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

11 days

Good morning. I always knock on the fridge before I open it. Just in case there’s a salad dressing🥴

38

10

100

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

3 months

Good morning. Teacher, “The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early.” A pen came flying across the room, Almost hitting the teacher. “Who threw that?” the teacher shouted. “Me” piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. “Can I leave now?”🥴

27

9

98

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. To the person who stole my selfie stick…....You need to take a long look at yourself🥴

31

4

95

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I was told today that cowboys don’t roll joints......They tumble weed🥴

34

9

93

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I found stir fry all over my bed this morning........I must have been sleep wokking again🥴

27

7

93

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body..... I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now🥴

24

5

93

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. What do you call a vaping vampire? Vlad the Inhaler🥴

23

5

92

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

6 months

Good morning. I’ve just started reading a book about fantastic underground rooms. It’s going to be a best cellar🥴

27

7

93

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

2 months

Good morning. My father always used to say “As one door closes another one opens.” Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker🥴

38

4

96

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. I do wonder if the person who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder”…Came up with any other phrases🥴

23

6

92

tony the human D2.0

@tonyt7337

1 year

Good morning. What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-morse code🥴

22

10

93