Tiffany @tiffanytweets80 Twitter profile

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Tiffany

1 year

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

8 months

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!! ⠀ Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

9 months

Do your daughters a favor and raise them to be okay with people not liking them

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Do you remember drinking Shasta growing up or did your parents have money?

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

My husband thinks I’m ridiculous for refusing to answer the door when someone comes over unannounced but I’m like, sir, I was a latchkey kid. It is ingrained in me to duck, cover, and hold my breath until they stop knocking and leave.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

My party trick is disappearing without saying goodbye

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

9 months

Me going back to work tomorrow after five days off. I don’t even know what I do anymore.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

I have two looks: hot mom, or homeless person. There is no in between for me.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

#NewProfilePic

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

1 month

My 24 y.o. Events Manager just asked who Chris Farley is when I quoted Tommy Boy and now I need to fire her

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

My blood type is fettuccine Alfredo and garlic bread.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

Tell me you’re over 40 without telling me you’re over 40. I brought my heating pad with me on vacation.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

I got up early this morning to work out. And by work out I mean put my workout clothes on and then lay down and scroll Twitter for an hour.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Happy 4th of July America. And all of Twitter. Except that one guy. 🇺🇸💥

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Because it’s Tuesday though…in all seriousness, seven years ago around this time of the year I decided to really take control of my health and set fitness goals for myself. In May I ran a half marathon at Yosemite. Just a reminder that the first step is always the hardest.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Is it grounds for divorce if you’re on a road trip and your husband refuses to stop to get snacks? Yeah, I thought so.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

If she could stay forever I would be happy. 😩❤️

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

The lemon law but for marriages.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

I get confused when people say they got so busy they forgot to eat. I literally plan my entire day around eating.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

My toxic trait is saying “no worries” when there are, in fact, worries.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

#NewProfilePic

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Besties.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Me: I got new headshots for work, do you like them? 13 year old: Why do you look like you sell insurance? *proceeds to rattle off 5 minute off the cuff insurance infomercial just to really rub it in*

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

8 months

when people say “just a minute” I often wonder if it’s a regular minute, a treadmill minute, or a plank minute

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

I’ve been on Twitter almost two years now and I still don’t know what a list, a TC, a DM room, or a circle is. I’m just out here winging it like I’m in the Wild West. I have no idea what I’m doing.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

Eating eggs for breakfast like I’m a millionaire

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

#NewProfilePic

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

9 months

I got up early and drove to the middle of nowhere to see the northern lights and it was every bit as magical as I hoped it would be

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

I just completed a six hour road trip by myself without stopping to get gas or use the restroom AND I beat the original GPS time by ten minutes. I assume my complimentary cargo shorts and “worlds greatest dad” coffee mug will arrive in the mail this week.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

Okay but @Delta SkyClub bathroom lighting really came through for me at 4:30 a.m.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

“What’s your Halloween costume?” “Umm, a cool mom. Not like a regular mom.”’

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

Am I the only one who was told not to take showers during a thunderstorm and is still afraid to do so?

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Dropped my eighth grader off at school, got mistaken for a highschooler. I’m pretty sure this is the best Monday of my life.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

If you don’t like dogs I probably won’t like you.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Growing up in my house you never knew if you were grabbing the Country Crock or leftover beef stew from two nights ago. I’m pretty sure I still have PTSD from this experience.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Today I lost my husband in a sporting goods store and do you know how hard it was to find the one man that belonged to me out of the dozens with dad bods, wearing cargo pants, a vest, and a baseball cap?! It was touch and go there for a while. Whew.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Iced coffee for the win even when it’s 30 degrees out!

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

I told my husband that Thursday is my office ugly sweater Christmas party and that I needed to make a dish to pass for the potluck. He reminded me I work from home and I’m also the only employee. I’m not sure what his point is but okay.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

I’m taking a break and need some fun so let’s play a game. What is something about yourself that is unique or that most people don’t know? Mine is that my eyes are two different colors and they change color with what I wear (sometimes green and sometimes blue.) Your turn!

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

“I wanna rock and roll all night…” wait. No. No I don’t, that sounds terrible. I just want a good nights sleep and to wake up without my back hurting.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

I’ve had a few relationships in my life that have ended without closure, but the one that hit me the hardest was with Taco Bell’s Mexican Pizza.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

I treat my body like I treat my car…ignore every warning sign until I’m broken down on the side of the road.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

My husband and I are going on a cross country road trip. I’m in charge of snacks and entertainment. He’s in charge of “driving straight through” and “beating the GPS time”. ⠀ Clearly we both know our strengths in this relationship.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Basically, I just live my life trying not to be an asshole. That’s it.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

4 months

After all the fun and games, life is really about the people who show up

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

Remember people, you CANNOT have a “1st annual” event. An event cannot be annual if it’s never happened. It’s an inaugural event the first year. That’s the end of my extremely specific pet peeve rant. Thank you.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Imagine falling in love with me and then finding out that I like egg nog.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Moving day game face. After I unload this uhaul and additional trailer I will require a heating pad, pain cream, Tylenol, and an adjustment (both attitude and chiropractic)…but I got this.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

My husband just aggressively asked me if I wanted breakfast and I do but I said no because I didn’t like the tone of his voice. I think I’ll wander out into the kitchen in about ten minutes and ask where my plate is just to see how that will go over.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

My husband just said to me “I think men are attracted to you because you are a strong, confident, woman and they think they want that until they actually have one”…wait what?! ⠀ Don’t worry, he’s still alive. He recovered well after some stumbling.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

#NewProfilePic

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

11 months

I just don’t believe there is ever a need for unsalted butter

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Am I the only one who will get down with a can of Hormel Corned Beef Hash?

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

How am I supposed to drink 8 glasses of water, work out, eat healthy, keep my child alive, work a full-time job, AND complete a 6 step skin care routine for anti-aging every single day?! I’m cold and it’s dark by 5:00 p.m. All I want to do is hibernate and eat tacos.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Before dad bods were cool I was already a sucker for puns and cargo shorts.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

The walk of shame but it’s just me gathering all of the Amazon packages from the front porch before my husband gets home

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

I hate when I’m trying to go to the gym and accidentally take a wrong turn and then end up eating four tacos and downing two margaritas instead.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

During a near argument last night my husband pulled me in for a hug and then said “are you losing weight? You just feel so tiny.” ⠀ After 15 years the student becomes the master.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

I started intermittent fasting an hour ago and I’m already starving

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

I just gave myself a fat lip by dropping the phone on my face while laying down and scrolling Twitter and that is the reason I don’t play any sports.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

One thing no one prepared me for as a boy mom is how badly teenage boys smell at all times

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Actual footage of me waking up and going back to work today. I don’t even remember what I do.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

#NewProfilePic

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

My toxic trait is eating the lunch I packed as second breakfast.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Thanksgiving is in three days so I should probably just start drinking now to be on the safe side.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

I just want to be independently wealthy, eat whatever I want without gaining weight, sleep a full eight hours every night, and never have to wear pants. IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK?!

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

My husband woke me up at 7 out of a deep, beautiful sleep to ask if I was ready to go to Menards because they are open now. ⠀ Currently on my list: rope, cleaning products, and lye.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

I might not get flowers in real life but foreign men on Instagram and Twitter DM rose emojis to me all the time so there’s that.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

1 year

Me at Medieval Times after I’ve been served my turkey leg

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

My hobbies include: food

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Things I consider a tragedy in my 40’s that I didn’t in my 20’s, Exhibit A: My heating pad just quit working and I’m honestly contemplating running to the store for a new one, but also it’s 7:48 at night and who goes out that late on a weeknight?!

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

I have just started moving to random places around the house in hopes my husband can’t find me. I figure moving targets are harder to hit. So far it’s working.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

When I’m irritated with my husband I eat chips on his side of the bed.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Pro tip: If you ask your wife if she wants something from the store and she says “no, I’m fine.” that actually means you should get her something from the store. Snacks. Chicks love snacks. You can never go wrong with snacks.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

It’s 1:00 a.m. and I can’t stop thinking about…well to be honest, tacos.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

I hate it when I’m on the treadmill and I accidentally press the stop button and go eat tacos and drink beer

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

Today was one of the most fun days I’ve had in a long time.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

1 year

So, apparently today is Monday again. I can’t keep living like this

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Husband: “Are you seriously using Emergen-C as a mixer with vodka?” ⠀ Me: “Yes sir, I’m trying to stay healthy but have a little fun, is that a problem?” ⠀ Him:……

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

I’m really good at hurting my own feelings

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

1 year

We are here for baseball & beer

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

Only Fans but it’s just me laying in bed eating peanut m&m’s. With clothes on.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

2 years

During a near argument last night my husband pulled me in for a hug and then said “are you losing weight? You just feel so tiny.” ⠀ After 16 years the student becomes the master

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

I wish someone looked at me the way I look at my bed at 5:30 p.m.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Minnesota or bust. Not pictured: our storage tote full of snacks and drinks in the backseat.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

Dolly Patron wrote ‘Jolene’ and ‘I will always love you’ in the same day. Tonight I consumed an entire pizza and half order of Buffalo wings in one sitting. On my way to fame and fortune?! All signs point to yes.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80

3 years

I’m having a really hard time saying this out loud but I think it’s finally time to speak my truth. I’m the one keeping Arby’s in business.

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Tiffany

@tiffanytweets80