cookie @theealmond Twitter profile

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@theealmond

2 years

He’s a 10 but he said “it’s all in your head” and you said “so is everything” but he didn’t get it

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@theealmond

3 months

I fucking hate Ivy League bitches cuz why my two latina roommates speaking in mandarin together rn I feel so left out.

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@theealmond

2 years

Wishing I could drop this publicly…

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@theealmond

3 years

Crazy how swipe access isn’t working, people stuck outside the gates and all… got me thinking bout how I cut off swipe access on our love. Didn’t mean to lock you outside my heart. No need to respond… hope you’re doing well. Tell ya moms I said hey.

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@theealmond

3 years

Just saw two people kiss on cross campus and it was so tender I literally hope I die.

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@theealmond

3 years

I’ve faced many difficulties learning to navigate Y*le but by far the hardest and most jarring experience has been finding out that British people are real. Not sure how I’m just supposed to cope with that…

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@theealmond

2 years

Ladies wyd if he pulls up with the Jondom

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@theealmond

1 year

It’s nice that your sorority is taking up a cause but I am not going to venmo the IDF, sorry.

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@theealmond

7 months

For your information number 4 isn’t white he’s Greek

CBB Content

@CBBcontent

7 months

The Crackers of March

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@theealmond

3 years

Just heard that Y*le DKE (white football frat) got reinstated as an official chapter. This is awesome because they had to disaffiliate due to issues with sexual assault. This rules! Go Greek life! Consequences are real!!

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@theealmond

3 years

Babe what’s wrong? You’ve barely touched your mush

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@theealmond

3 years

Halloween is cancelled because I’m actually a little bit tired right now.

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@theealmond

2 years

Sometimes I wonder why guys stop talking to me but then I remember I’m literally insane and off-putting

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@theealmond

2 years

If your spring “flung” I’m stealing something from your house

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@theealmond

7 months

Duality of woman <3

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@theealmond

2 years

Worst thing in the world is looking back at the syllabus at the end of the semester and realizing you dicked some shit up

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@theealmond

2 years

They should make a creative writing smut class because I would literally be able to write 37,000 words for every assignment

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@theealmond

3 years

Nobody knows me like Y*le Health knows me <3

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@theealmond

2 years

After every break new motherfuckers spawn on campus like I swear to god who are any of you people

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@theealmond

1 year

This is what going to Yale is like

Aries

@Ariesfirebomb

1 year

This is the whitest thing I’ve seen in a minute.

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@theealmond

2 years

The Yale experience is hooking up with someone and then finding out that both their parents have a Wikipedia page

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@theealmond

1 month

My dad once said “you’re not the dumbest guy in the world but you better hope he doesn’t die”

ntsako.

@JoyManganye

1 month

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

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@theealmond

1 year

Average makeup of Y*le EP&E majors:

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@theealmond

9 months

I have a crush in every single one of my classes this semester… life can be so beautiful if you just let it

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@theealmond

6 months

That one girl is on an all time heater of absolutely making shit up. You gotta respect the grift🔥

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@theealmond

2 years

So are we just gonna let this slide?😭😭

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@theealmond

2 years

Dipping my yorkside pizza slice in the new haven gutter runoff

Damarys

@RoatansFinest

3 years

Went to Roatan to dip my mango in the ocean like Rihanna! And it’s so good!!! 😩

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@theealmond

3 years

Lord the women you put on this earth to cook and clean are queerbaiting in humanities seminars

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@theealmond

7 months

I would be a Rhodes Scholar if they did it based off vibes and positive disposition

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@theealmond

1 year

This is what it’s like being a beautiful woman at Yale University

MachinePix

@MachinePix

1 year

Testing the grip strength of mice with a Mecmesin BFG 10N digital force gauge.

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@theealmond

6 months

I wasn’t gonna go home with this guy at the bar but then he showed me his high school basketball highlights and that changed everything

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@theealmond

3 months

I really fuck with SpongeBob 💯

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@theealmond

3 years

Yale I’m in you

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@theealmond

1 year

Was crying a lot and my brother got overwhelmed so he had to go to his room and watch his high school football highlights to recalibrate

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@theealmond

8 months

Kylie Jenner is somewhere rn screaming and punching the air bc this is the face card she hopelessly begged her surgeon for and the plastic is disintegrating before our eyes making her look decades older while Beyoncé effortlessly looks the best she ever has at 42

Meech

@MediumSizeMeech

9 months

This is INSANE?!?!?

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@theealmond

4 months

NEW WORK CRUSH JUST DROPPED🙌🏽🙌🏽 blessed and highly favored

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@theealmond

2 years

Lil bro next to me in the library typing so mfing hard he shaking the table like bro your discussion post cannot be that fire…

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@theealmond

1 year

Me if stealing from the bow wow was illegal

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@theealmond

3 years

Meal prepping for the week💯🙌🏾

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@theealmond

2 months

boyfriEND girlfriEND best friEND situationship

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@theealmond

3 years

Nice 1600 SAT dude they let me in because I throw a ball around

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@theealmond

2 years

Asking rich people on campus where the financial aid office is and beating them up when they don’t know

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@theealmond

4 months

I’m getting second hand embarrassment watching the debate

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@theealmond

3 years

Y*le dining is down horrendous at the moment. Whose dick I gotta suck to get some cranberry juice around here??

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@theealmond

2 months

Do you think you are capable of love despite being in an undergraduate consulting group?

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@theealmond

1 year

Finally done with the semester from hell. If spring semester 2023 has no haters I’m fucking dead. Thank god I’m so hot.

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@theealmond

2 years

I kinda have to blame Ned’s wife for not finding out sooner because if Ned is a true Yalie (which he is) she could have just looked at his gcal and seen “cheat on wife” blocked off as a recurring event

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@theealmond

7 months

How insane would it be to email someone to ask them out? Like would that be allowed? They don’t have any social media…

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@theealmond

2 months

nobody will remember: - your salary - how “busy you were” - how many hours you worked People will remember: - if you had a sick ass jacket that everyone recognized you by - your sick jacket - your cool jacket that is legitimate proof you are better than the average person

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@theealmond

1 year

When nobody got me, I know yale hospitality tri-color Caesar salad got me

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@theealmond

2 years

Sylvia Plath knew exactly what she was talking about when she said “I don’t give a fuck who talk behind my back cuz the bitch knew better than to let me hear her”

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@theealmond

2 years

They don’t award keys to the city like they used to

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@theealmond

2 years

If wasting time and dicking around has zero fans I’m dead

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@theealmond

2 years

Not the Yale ‘26 follows beginning already…

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@theealmond

2 years

Two mfers next to me in the library popping cvs brand caffeine pills like I promise it has never been that deep you guys just go to bed

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@theealmond

1 year

I’m so happy that Oppenheimer’s popularity has people realizing how cunty Einstein was. All these famous theoretical physicists were always just as gay and artsy as all the other philosophers bc they are also gay philosophers. This is what STEM academia wants to hide from you.

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@theealmond

1 year

Yale chapter of the Kappa Alpha Theta sorority

Pop Base

@PopBase

1 year

Kylie Jenner denies rumors that she’s hooking up with best friend Stassie Karanikolaou after sharing photo of them kissing back in February: “When we get a little alcohol in our system, we just like to kiss each other and stuff.”

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@theealmond

4 years

in nancy’s office

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@theealmond

3 years

Anyone know if the flu shot interacts poorly with yasss pills???

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@theealmond

1 year

Listening to boygenius at 7 am I didn’t even give today a fighting chance

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@theealmond

7 months

Y’all sleep but some of the hottest people at this school are in the EPS building

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@theealmond

3 months

Chatting with someone from Canada and he said he’s never been to Toronto… what you been doing up there that whole time then?🤣🤣🤣

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@theealmond

2 years

Mfers used to pull up to sterling like it was an accounting fashion show (whites only btw) and now I’m in that very same building wearing a see through crop top and no bra (everyone can see my nipples)(I’m black). Progress is possible✊🏾

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@theealmond

1 year

This is how the white side of my family will react when Obama dies

Christian Nightmares

@ChristnNitemare

1 year

This is what indoctrination looks like…

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@theealmond

2 years

Just saw a couple walking down the street sharing headphones and enjoying the beautiful spring weather im going to throw up and break my front teeth off on the concrete

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@theealmond

4 months

Drunk at office happy hour and my work crush spilled beer on me… I am so in

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@theealmond

9 months

If I see someone wearing Apple Vision Pro while walking down the street I’m gonna run up to them and punch them in the balls as hard as I can

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@theealmond

3 months

Giving a thumbs down to a passing cyber truck so everyone on the street knows I think it’s lame

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@theealmond

5 months

Sometimes I see the LinkedIn pages of my peers and I feel bad about myself because their profiles are so impressive, but then I remember I’m way more worried about catching a vibe and being chill/sexy which is something no LinkedIn post can teach you…

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@theealmond

2 years

The news cycle is so horrifying because they talk about how we are spending $1.7 trillion on weapons and then a story about how food banks don’t have enough resources plus 10% of households in the US are food insecure and then you’ll have to watch an ad for the new avatar movie

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@theealmond

3 years

Yale men are actually evil and so sick and twisted and villainpilled

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@theealmond

9 months

Adrianne Lenker

Pop Base

@PopBase

9 months

Ice Spice reveals on the TODAY show that she has a “crazy collaboration” on her upcoming debut album ‘Y2K.’

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@theealmond

3 years

I actually don’t want to start having sex on a regular basis because what if I lose my desire to listen to Radiohead all the time

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@theealmond

8 months

Sometimes I pass some of you in the street IRL and I’m like… wow… you don’t even know that we’re yitter mutuals💔

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@theealmond

1 year

95% of my problems are solved by the fact that I’m a 10

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@theealmond

2 years

Me dipping a chop cheese in the Hudson River

Damarys

@RoatansFinest

3 years

Went to Roatan to dip my mango in the ocean like Rihanna! And it’s so good!!! 😩

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@theealmond

1 year

Nothing is more surreal to me than thinking about how at the height of BLM in 2020 my high school had me come to admin meetings and seriously asked me what to do about “race relations”. BRO I’M 16 I DO NOT KNOW. I was somehow normal about it tho?

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@theealmond

2 years

Second worst thing is probably 9/11

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@theealmond

1 year

gwyneth paltrow what are you doing in the Yale dining hall 😂🤣🤣

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@theealmond

2 years

If watergate happened today nobody would care at all

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@theealmond

4 months

Now we can’t see which basketball coaches are liking p*rn. There’s almost no reason to be alive anymore.

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@theealmond

3 months

I’m doing things you’ve never heard of in cities you’ve never been to.

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@theealmond

9 months

This might be her heat check… she’s been pulling up contested from 3 and draining all of them. The ones she missed refs bailed her out in the end. But she just ripped contested from half court… let’s see how she does team

Taylor Swift

@taylorswift13

9 months

All’s fair in love and poetry... New album THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT. Out April 19 🤍 📷: Beth Garrabrant

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@theealmond

3 years

You’re telling me a human tied this quadrangle?

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@theealmond

3 months

Sometimes I get sad that something might not work out in my favor and then I remember that I am the reflected image of a 14 billion year old universe so everything is actually ok

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@theealmond

1 year

Idgaf what anyone says Elmo is Black

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@theealmond

2 years

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@theealmond

2 years

How many times do I gotta tell y’all that the library is not for fucking!!!!

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@theealmond

9 months

The only reason I like ice spice is because this is the first time I’ve seen a woman of color rewarded for absolute mediocrity the way that white women are every day and I think there’s something beautiful about that

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@theealmond

6 months

Love is going to be huge this summer

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@theealmond

1 year

It’s so hard being the only lightskin in the library rn

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@theealmond

3 years

I be in section daydreaming up some ungodly scenes like you know what maybe I should be in jail

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@theealmond

7 months

The only accolade you ever made is that I fucked you

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@theealmond

2 years

Got a couple welcome back to campus greetings today but I’ve been here since December 26th

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@theealmond

8 months

Act II and Tortured Poet’s Department will be in the time frame for the Grammys next year and all I’m saying is if they award that white woman again I will be obligated to do something that garners national attention

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@theealmond

3 months

Yeah I’ll sacrifice another 35,000 square miles of ice in the arctic circle for this

LKD

@LukeKerrDineen

3 months

Someone forced an AI with the intelligence of a starfish to teach itself how to play golf. Only three conditions: - Incentive for generating power - Incentive for swinging club on plane - Disincentive for moving club off plane Here’s the golf swing technique it cooked up 🤣