Dylan Subiza @theDYLANSUBIZA Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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@etereostawberry

Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 months

guy whose favorite thing is saying “man, this is what it’s all about..” but his life kinda sucks so he says that shit at game night or something and everyone is like “I guess”

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 months

(after being introduced to a guy that kinda looks and talks like me) Yeah, Kev is cool I guess.. i can’t put my finger on it but I wanna shoot him in the head

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

years ago, this airport security dude patted me down and i was like "at least buy me dinner first haha". And he did! Mitch took me to Buffalo Wild Wings and we laughed the night away. shout out mitch, i fucking love you dog

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

@itsaustonpugh

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

Asking to get choked Not cause I like the feeling but cause it’s a small price to pay for the real kink which is mansplaining jiu-jitsu

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

Dudes who take their shirts off for a fight. insane. You know what you can recover from? a black eye. You know what you can't recover from? Someone in the crowd saying "he has weird nipples"

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

Big fan of deciding I have a little job at a party and taking my role way too seriously. Like seeing someone else telling people where the bathroom is and going up to them like “hey uh, just what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 months

Her dreams: he’s cheating on me My dreams: im talking to a giant owl and it sounds like her dad and I cheat

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

Getting real QR code tatted on my chest so when I go through that airport security scanner it pulls up the Burbank Hooters menu

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

I complained about balding around my phone once and now everytime I look at a screen they’re trying to sell me leather jackets and creatine

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

4 years

thinking about magicians hanging out at a bar debating what the best all-time illusion is, then they ask the bad-boy, tortured-artist magician what he thinks and he says "the American dream" then he sips a piña colada cause he's still a magician

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

Thing about dating is when you call yourself dumb at first, they’re like “stop that, it’s just not true”, thinking it’s like a weird ruse to lower their expectations. Then one day they see you cover your ears and scream cause you saw triplets at Vons and they stop correcting you

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

If you can open a starburst with your teeth it means you’re good at smooching. If you can open a beer with your teeth it means she’s not coming home brother

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

Lo-fi Xmas beats to chill/ confront your father to

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

Welp. Just took me 1min to do something I’ve been putting off for 5 years (sex w my wife)

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

doing that Christ Pratt holding the hand up to the dinosaur thing to calm down my uncle who is hearing raggeaton for the first time

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

4 years

(intervention disguised as tarot card reading for cousin who is into the occult) Oh dear.. according to the hangman of swords everyone here loves you and is worried

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

Love how Edm artists are always calling their songs “ I fell in love w the DJ” or “the DJ saved my life”. You don’t see Neil Diamond naming his shit “I heard Neil Diamond has a pretty big dick”

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

saying you need a cigarette, storming off, realizing you forgot your cigarettes, setting a 4 min timer to save face

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

11 months

(On the phone. Looking at 90 dollar voucher from a coinstar) baby, spin the globe and stop it with your finger. “We don’t have a globe” yeah and that changes today

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

4 years

* hands on hips after moving bed to different corner of room * Dylan, you son of a bitch, you’re growing up

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

4 years

we weren’t as educated about depression in the mid 2000s as the kids now. We just thought everyone who was tired had mono. Like damn who gave Carl mono? In a way, his father

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

Buying your friend a bunch of scratchers for his bday and playing them all yourself cause you got furious at the thought of one of them hitting big

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

Xmas tree delivery service spruce bringstein

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 months

on hinge :(

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

4 years

Sick of male friendship. Wish I could just tell the fellas about a petty fight I had with my gf and they’d be like “ugh ur too hot to put up with this shit” instead of having to say “the Croods low key rips lol” or “the croods.. it’s good lol” and hope they fucking hear me

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

4 years

told young buck that being cool isnt about vespas, tats and fucking ppls wives, it's having the fortitude to be ur authentic self, always. we agreed that trying to live up to some ideal of "cool" was a form of cowardice. he thanked me teary eyed and agreed to stop fucking my wife

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

10 year anniversary of being life guard certified. Didn’t see action but bury me w the YMCA flag folded in a triangle, 12 whistle salute- the works

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

When you’re single, sucking 3 ketchup packets is lunch. When you have a gf, sucking 3 ketchup packets is a secret snack. Not cause it’s a lame attempt of clinging to your independence, but cause you went and got yourself addicted to sucking 3 ketchups, you fucking freak

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

Be broke for long enough and you’ll flip your position on stolen valor videos. Now, I’m on the faker’s side cause stop being a tattletale and let this guy finesse a discount at Denny’s

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

“From the twisted mind” reserved for directors making some scary bullshit. How bout from the twisted mind of Dylan 6 eggs for dinner

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

35 year old guy with a god shaped hole in his heart: Euphoria is really going for it this season

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

Low key liberating when your phone dies. Like losing all ur money at the casino. I’m free. I can go back to flexing a bicep at people and saying “now.. let’s try that one more time?” Back to my life

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

Over the years I’ve watched dozens YouTube tutorials of tactical close quarters combat so if the queen even thinks about knighting me? Um yeah. she’s in for the disarming of her life

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

Ppl who grow up in the city always fantasize about moving to a sleepy beach town to live out the rest of their days. Weak. Spread my ashes from the roof of the tallest dunkin’

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

deadliest warrior: (guy stabs pig with a spartan spear) still think your green berets have a chance? me at 11: holy fucking shit this is a toss up

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

4 years

I don't mind playing shirts vs skins but my 1 stipulation is that the person who suggested it has to be shirts. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR TRANSFORMATION, BEN

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

I think old people reminisce about shit they didn’t even care about at the time just to say stuff. “Jakobi Revich had a great serve” I don’t believe you

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

9 months

Every time I can’t get hard I try to snap out of it by thinking about the guy at Pompeii who got fossilized while jacking off. To keep trying while the lava engulfs you. The gumption

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

I love wearing Hawaiian shirts but I sometimes worry that I'm appropriating divorce culture

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

Pinocchio too pure to give modern reboot to. Nobody’s gonna watch a 2021 Giapetto 3D print a little boy and think “aw he just wants to be a dad 🥺”

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

Ppl downplay the stealth merits of camo but idk man. I wore my camo tank top to a bbq in silverlake and literally no one talked to me so explain that one smartass

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

7 months

Bald and nothing to lose. I’m gonna buy a ticket to Turkey and finally punch that mean ice cream man

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

When u ask a hippie about bad trips they’re like “the last time I had one I was a bowling ball tumbling down an infinite staircase, but it was totally worth it!”. Bro u just described something so fucked it sounds something a Greek god does to you for stealing music or some shit

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

if you want a 185 pound meat missile naruto running straight for your chest might i recommend messing w me

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

when im not punching myself in the testicles cause i remembered something i texted a girl in 2014, im usually making fun of my friends for going to therapy

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

wow. just found out a reflexologist is a glorified foot masseuse and not a guy in a lab coat saying "think fast" and throwing a baby at you

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

Rebel country music: I shot down my wife’s lover with a rusty pistol Your homie who is going through a breakup: I’ve been getting really into rebel country music!

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

30 days

Instead of the antiquated “a lady and 2 fellas”, a Devils threesome should be their genders don’t matter so long as it’s three 6’s

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

People who ride horses are like “I want a Vespa that’s sad in the winter”. Relax

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

Ppl to my friends who boringly started grad school: nice! Ppl to me when I take an English class at community college cuz I forgot how to spell and use commas: good for you! I like your tattoo! Im sure some of you are feeling pretty silly right about now

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

4 years

everyone was mad at me for screaming ew when my grandma called my friend a "capable young man", like that's not old lady speak for i'd suck him on sight if i was 27

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

Why the F would I pay to go to a botanical garden when i can go to the Home Depot garden center and eavesdrop on 2 dads falling in love while exchanging tips For free

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

Tonight I’m going to my first wedding since my Mom’s when I was a kid. Idk what to expect but I if I leave there with a stepdad I’m gonna be furious

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

caught up with a friend from highschool who i hadn't seen in years and he asked to see a wine list, so i reminded him that I once saw him shit his pants on a dare

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

Relationship text thread - suffocate me to death w your ass (2:51 pm) - you ate all the feta??? (3pm)

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

It’s all “Dylan’s an idiot for spending 100 dollars at the boardwalk souvenir stand” until it’s wintertime and you find yourself in need of postcards, XL T-shirts, and Kama sutra dice. Suddenly, there’s a one-stop-shop that you have to GROVEL to get into

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

if you are shy, the move is post up at the bar, start thinking about how the window is closing on being able to dunk and your expression will make everyone assume that you’re a tormented artist thinking smart,sad things. And that’s hot!

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

standup is an art like dancing is an art. anyone can do it, your aunt is actually not bad, but when you see it done at the highest level... well even then it still kinda sucks

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

Holding a gigantic dildo w the boys like we’re taking a pic from a deep sea fishing trip

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

charging up like Dragon Ball Z for 5 minutes to fuck your wife and busting immediately

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

Can’t tell much about someone by how they’re dressed but you can tell everything about someone by how they’re dressed on a bike Spandex = affluent health nut Denim= DUI manslaughter

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

And I thought I hated MY step dad

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

7 years

my bodybuilder friend, Rufus, told me that chewing gum would help with my double chin. Last time I ask how his family is doing

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 months

Monkey man more like punch man. Hope you weren’t stoked for monkey stuff. In a monkey media desert they put up a “fresh water here” sign and it was a Dasani bottle full of rubbing alcohol. Barely monkey business, Zero seeing then doing

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

Important when you’re in express lane at the grocery store to loudly count other people’s items and then when you get removed, you yell: “Express Lane ?? Should be called Liar Boulevard!” Then security is like”what’s this about man” and you go”idk man my 1 friend is a doctor now”

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

saw a girl with a beret make fun of a guy in a fedora. "yeah, cause you're a vision of good taste", I said. She stood there slack-jawed as I adjusted my 10 gallon and rode away in the sunset. Goddamn do I love the annual Pasadena hat convention

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

White South Americans like to be like hi my name is Gertrude Himmler and as Latin x person

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

4 years

Normal person: this is delicious Pervert who likes saying “mouthfeel”: and the mouthfeel!

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

Pissed on my notebook so my dog would know it’s my intellectual property

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

My estranged father called to tell me that the main character of the Wire is actually Baltimore

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

Pinky ring is the fedora of the hand

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

if your tweets dont get likes it just looks like you're publicly losing your mind

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

2 years

(Normal day, normal commute) looks like the fucking freaks are out

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

(Making a ship in a bottle) Fuck I need to put myself out there

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

Not even 2pm and I’m already at it. I think I might have a problem

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

I love those take a book leave a book cubbies on the street. I wonder if Faulkner knew he was writing a weapon for my 3am walk home

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

they say parenting is hard but it depends on the age of the kid. i'd be a terrible parent to a 5y old for sure, but I could drive a depressed 24y old around town pointing at stuff & saying " they're gonna build condos there...just terrible" no problem

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

Gogurt, skateboarding, being white. The holy trinity of calling your mom a bitch 1 time when you were 12

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

its' a shame spicy is the only flavor your butthole can taste. I want to be able to take a shit and say "oh saffron, I missed that the first time"

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

7 years

good thing i've been practicing counting backward from 10 all year after last year's embarrassing showing

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

Me: hey man, how you doing?! How’s the family? Plans for the holidays? Uber driver:(nice enough to answers my questions) Me: ugh, looks like we got another chatty Kathy here

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

4 years

I like playing up how dumb I am so that everyone's hot take is "wow, Dylan pretends to be dumb but he's actually quite smart". pretty smart of me imo, cooking up a beautiful double bluff like that

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

In a punch-a-guy-on-the-first-day-of-prison style maneuver, I told my gfs fancy mid 30’s friends I’m thinking about signing up for a pottery class

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

8pm friday night& my middle-aged roommate is practicing nunchucks in the living room with his shirt off. how good is YOUR home security?

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

whether it's body language or literature, the Russians are hard to read

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

I prefer corn on the bob. That’s where you eat corn off of this guy bob. Like eating sushi off a model except instead of sushi it’s corn and instead of a model it’s this guy bob

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

7 years

tragedy+time= comedy milk+time=cheese time= comedy-tragedy time= Cheese-milk time= magic time= kraft singles Kraft Singles= Magic

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

made 5M last year programming sex robots to say "and they say romance is dead" every time candle light is detected

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

The cruel irony of living in a garage is there’s no room for a car to slowly fill it with exhaust

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

3 years

if you shave your head for fun your bald friends will go full Ben Affleck in good will hunting on you and tell you "no offense but if in 6 months you don't have a full head of hair,ill fucking kill ya. "

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

Currently at the airport. This place is a goldmine for comedy

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

The secret to any good marriage

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

7 years

Gf- I'm tired of mothering you Me- Jesus Christ you sound like my mother

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

I dress like she took the kids

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

Haha ok genius, don’t pee on your dog. see if he knows he’s your dog.

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

my gf just told me her friends are coming over tonight. maybe ill pretend to have shows and sit on a park bench for a couple of hours

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

The phrase “surprise me” was only cool the first time it was used-probably some handsome guy in a rowdy dive bar circa 1978. Ever since it has become a weapon slobs use at IHOP to torment their waitress when asked if they want whipped cream on that

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

5 years

Terrified of getting (Pauly shore voice)measles

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Dylan Subiza

@theDYLANSUBIZA

6 years

(as much Seinfeld voice as you can muster) Either you feel like a flop for losing the flip or you're flipping out from losing the flop. It's crazy I can't keep a pair together considering it's the NOISIEST SHOE on the market.

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