Stephen Grant @stephencgrant Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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@dcamilaqv

@SEAMANS_TEC

Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

3 years

So close to getting through to the next round of Britain’s Got Toilets

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

2 years

How can we British organise something this gargantuan and wonderful so impeccably yet fail to renew a passport in under 12 weeks

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

3 years

Hi @BorisJohnson . You don't know me, I do/run comedy shows. Your 'wait and see' approach is not a 'mid-way compromise'; it's literally the worst outcome. You currently have the medical modelling and the economic forecasting, to know the range of upshots - so make a decision. 1/2

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

6 years

The best bit about ‘Blame it on the Boogie’ is how they summarise the song at the end using bullet points.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

Well played trains 👏🏻 #pancakeday

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

2 months

Great to see jobs going to key workers

UK Prime Minister

@10DowningStreet

2 months

James Timpson OBE @JamesTCobbler has been appointed Minister of State (Minister for Prisons, Parole and Probation) in the Ministry of Justice @MoJGovUK .

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

UK: We want to leave! EU: no, please don't (UK votes to leave) UK: actually there's no rush EU: no, please fuck off

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

9 years

This may have wiped out my coke stash for the holidays but it's all about the kids innit

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

. @realDonaldTrump genuinely cannot believe someone who wrote this is going to be president

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

10 years

I bloody love my wife. http://t.co/5Xtlj91guV

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@SHSanders45 Having trouble translating this into its native Russian

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

5 years

I can’t read Dutch and frankly being able to will only ruin this.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

3 years

Either tell us when lockdown / restrictions will be - so we know to go ahead or not - or tell us that you definitely won't, or the date you'll reassess. While you don't do either, we have to commit to a plan where everything stays open, and nobody buys tickets. We're dying. 2/2

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

4 years

I notice it gets called the Astra Zeneca vaccine when they're not sure about it and the Oxford University one when it's smashing it out of the park. This vaccine is very much the "Andy Murray is Scottish/British" of epidemiology

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

@JustinTrudeau Carry on being this kind and Trump's going to want a wall to the North as well.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@andy_murray Ironically this tweet should be why you would actually win it.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

Leadsom is anti Gay Marriage but pro Fox Hunting, but is 'willing to compromise'. So expect legislation for Gay Hunting.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

Merry Christmas

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@ShelbyTree Wow. Why aren’t they taking it seriously? In a nutshell: “This is outrageous behaviour - what are you going to do?” “Here’s £5” “Sorry, do you not understand? He has totally crossed the line and the intrusion is utterly unacceptable” “Ok ok.... £10”. 😯

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

9 years

Turns out #RachelDolezal 's ethnicity was a pigment of her imagination

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@mike_jenner @andy_murray I'd say that you don't get it then. He has a cracking sense of humour. He's a very funny man.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

9 years

As front covers go in the US, this is impressively bold.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

Just need David Schwimmer for a full triathlon

daytime snaps

@daytimesnaps

7 years

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

6 years

Seems harsh

BBC Breaking News

@BBCBreaking

6 years

After his dramatic rescue of a young boy from a Paris balcony, Malian migrant Mamoudou Gassama is made a French citizen

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

Suggested bullets: 🔴 He's 25 🔴 Dad just died suddenly 🔴 He was only 64 🔴 He'd probably swap £9bn to have him back

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

Unsurprising that the #BHAFC game is off when a massive alien spaceship is about to land on the pitch

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@realDonaldTrump Seriously though, where's the tweet where you tackle and prioritise the major issue of a foreign power interfering in your election?

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@realDonaldTrump You do realise NATO was America's brainchild? To stop Russian proliferation? Or are you now OK with that, as Putin's mini-me?

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

2 years

Brighton the highest place Premier League team (6th) to have no players in the #englandsquad . If Lewis Dunk played in any of the other top 8, his place on the plane would just be a given. #BHAFC

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

6 years

The hashtag of a cockney asking you, somewhat aggressively, to repeat your point.

Samsung UK

@SamsungUK

6 years

Technology that exceeds your imagination. #DoWhatYouCant

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@jk_rowling If the white Christian van driving community don't do more to root out these extremists they have blood on their hands etc etc

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

2 years

Thoughts with Simon Cowell who can no longer unlock his phone

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

9 years

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT A COMMA IN THERE

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@mare49 @realDonaldTrump On a more serious note, it's scary to think after 3 hours the only problem he had with the content of that tweet was a minor spelling error.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@realDonaldTrump It took THAT long to run 'councel' through a spellchecker?!

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

6 years

@rickygervais I have this mental image of you checking the pump as you do it ... $9,997 $9,998 $9,999 ... $10,001 Dammit

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

People who wouldn't be able to vote: * All Trump's kids * 2 of his wives * Trump

Ann Coulter

@AnnCoulter

8 years

If only people with at least 4 grandparents born in America were voting, Trump would win in a 50-state landslide.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

10 years

Please take a moment to consider the real victims of Xmas http://t.co/ru11dgBFLm

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

10 years

No wonder it's called BT Infinity when it's only recommended by 9 out 10,000,000 people. http://t.co/pWERP0QsxZ

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

@realDonaldTrump @RandPaul I'm guessing the new version is called Dontcare™

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

6 years

It’s an overdone thing to be ‘proud’ of your football team but mine just launched their new shirt by modelling it with players from their men’s, women’s, deaf, amuputee, powerchair, and cerebral palsy teams. Well played #bhafc 👏🏻

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

@realDonaldTrump Stating what someone else is stating can also be called 'agreeing'. Forget the constitution, do you need a dictionary?

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

@realDonaldTrump this information was available to you prior to you campaigning. Why is it only a surprise to you now?

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

9 years

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT A COMMA IN THERE

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

If people start thinking how Trump speaks is normal, we're going to miss the chance to treat a lot of strokes in those crucial early moments

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

@realDonaldTrump "And now... the swimwear round"

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

3 years

Britons called 'Tom' are currently 8th in the medal table #Tokyo2020

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@realDonaldTrump Agree! (False statements and lies = you Vindication = Comey right?)

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@chrisfroome And more pertinently: if the driver was impatient behind *you*, god only knows what he'd be like behind the rest of us

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@mare49 @realDonaldTrump

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

Amber Rudd refusing to do media interviews in #Hastings . Imagine she'll be sending Theresa May instead #ge2017

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

1 year

@GeoffNorcott "Daddy I’m having fun!” “No you aren’t. You’re mistaking familiarity for fun. You’re deeply unsatisfied with this hollow poor quality tripe. Now, repeat after me: BOOOO…”

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

@richardosman OH OK THEN

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@TheSun Held on by her fingernails! All 35,000 of them. Phew!

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

2 years

Bit of Monday feels for you all. For the first time in his life Xander can hear perfectly (at full volume). We had to wind the window down for the journey home as he could hear birdsong 🥰 He also now has no excuse when I tell him to put his shoes on for the 85381655017th time

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@mike_jenner @andy_murray I'm not sure even that's true. Read his columns on the BBC Sport website and watch his SPOTY interviews, and checkout his Outnumbered cameo. You've been duped by his voice. He's v. funny.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

10 years

"For you, the sky's the limit!" - NASA rejection letter

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

9 years

If someone *hasn't* hacked @jeremycorbyn 's account, this is a bold new direction

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

6 years

Anyone got any Netflix movie recommendations? Needs to be about 2-3 hours. Just started rinsing out a jar of peanut butter for the recycling so can’t go out until about midday

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

9 years

What idiot called it a Tanning Salon and not a Ray Parlour?

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

11 years

The World's most masculine name is 'Guy Chapman' as it's effectively 'Bloke Blokebloke'.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

4 years

Good news! The ‘R’ is coming down in Brighton!

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@realDonaldTrump Moaning about Hillary appears to be part of your boot sequence when the WH resets you

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

Jeremy Hunt should be running: ❌ schools ❌ the Tory party ❌ the country ✅ a bath ✅ away ✅ with scissors

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

4 years

@mrnickharvey Hey Nick, this is for Paul. Save you having to read it out. x

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

@realDonaldTrump or... why not attend it, but ban all the mainstream press so it's just you and a few nutjobs?

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

12 years

To secure Tesco's Monday AM slot, I order 1 thing Friday then amend it with my shopping on Sunday. I forgot. Just took delivery of an onion.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

So if a girl emails me 'I'll suck you off' & I say 'let's do it!' but she doesn't do it, that email clears things up with my wife? #TrumpJr

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

1 year

“Ain’t Patrick’s Day”

The Athletic | Football

@TheAthleticFC

1 year

Patrick Vieira has been sacked as Crystal Palace manager. #CPFC More from @MattWoosie

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

MI5 shouldn't find it tricky to recruit another 1000 people, as my FB feed appears to be full of self-appointed unpaid security experts

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@sncerelybae One of those retractable pens where you can choose from one of 6 different colours

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

Me: "I'm into anal." Wife: "Animal!" And with that, the crossword was complete.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

4 years

A 94yo planning a party in 2022 during a pandemic that almost exclusively kills pensioners is the kind of optimism this country has been crying out for

Queen's Platinum Jubilee to include extra bank holiday

A four-day celebration scheduled for June 2022 will mark the Queen's 70 years on the throne.

www.bbc.com

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

3 years

4000 gigs, 500 pro comics, 23 years. 13 awards and over a million audience members later, the Brighton Krater club is over. For all of you who came, either watch it, play it, or work there, thank you.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

4 years

The best thing about the news that a cat has Covid is how all the news organisations are having to use library pictures of cats looking mournful and not cute.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

I'VE FOUND THE BATCAVE

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

14 years

My new thesaurus is not only poor, it's really poor. Very very poor.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

3 years

BBC Services would have been responsible for using funds from the license fee to pay your invoice for appearing on Question Time. The show your profile pic is from.

Julia Hartley-Brewer

@JuliaHB1

3 years

I pay the BBC licence fee and these are the only services I ever use. Good value for money...?🤷🏻‍♀️

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

2 years

Slept with a maths student, and she told me I was ‘average’. Which was mean.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

@realDonaldTrump think she needs to push a little harder tbh

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

6 years

At what age do kids start finally sorting Mother’s Day theirselves? I do all this running around and then THEY get the cuddles. This is BS

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

10 years

What you can't see in this pic is our local UKIP candidate trying to deliver a leaflet. #proudDad http://t.co/QhEk7XQxF1

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

Google marking the roads closed due to #ManchesterPride2017 in rainbow. Lovely touch 👏 🏳️‍🌈

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

4 years

Telephone: 🇮🇹 + 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 The web: 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿(On 🇺🇸 ARPANET) WWI: 🇫🇷 🇬🇧 🇮🇹 🇷🇺 🇯🇵 (🇺🇸 joined late) WWII: 🇫🇷 🇬🇧 🇷🇺 🇨🇳 (🇺🇸 joined late) Moon program 🇺🇸 on 🇩🇪 rocket tech Atom split: 🇳🇿 in 🇬🇧 uni Electricity (we use AC not DC): 🇷🇸 (harnessing it⚡️+🪑:🇺🇸) Mass murdering indigenous ‘Wild West’: 🇺🇸

The White House 45 Archived

@WhiteHouse45

4 years

"Americans harnessed electricity, split the atom, and gave the world the telephone and the internet. We settled the Wild West, won two World Wars, landed American Astronauts on the Moon—and one day soon, we will plant our flag on Mars!" — President @realDonaldTrump

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

14 years

The Japanese man Wanted a lift in my car That's a hitchhaiku.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

@realDonaldTrump "Didn't want to play with it anyway" *cue tantrum*

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

13 years

Tescoman! Don't want to see a cock through the flap of my dressing gown? Then deliver my 11am-1pm shopping between 11am & 1pm. @TwopTwips

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

13 years

Shall we have a Twitter strike as well? Just harnessing the momentum? "What do we want?" "More than 140 characters" "When do we want it?" "N

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

Another potential UKIP leader

BBC

@BBC

7 years

Hungry? A 106-year-old British fruitcake has been discovered in 'excellent condition' in Antartica. 🍰❄️

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

@realDonaldTrump so it's definitely not #fakenews then yeah?

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

"I'm begging of you please don't take my man" 🎤

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

I believe every single goal scored in the 3pm kickoffs in today's #EPL were by ex-Brighton players. Including Brighton's. #bhafc

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

12 years

In honour of the passing of Hugo Chavez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

2016 is clearly being written by George R R Martin

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

13 years

Me: "I'm into anal." Wife: "Animal!". And with that, the crossword was complete.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@realDonaldTrump What? He didn't choose the context *after* your tweet. You just didn't bother to read or understand it.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

7 years

@richardosman They would wait until the UPS started sounding alarms that the whole baggage system was about to go down and use that as their cue to plug it back in again. Every day Heathrow was approx 45 seconds from complete system failure.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

8 years

@sezys (I'm implying he didn't do shit, what with him being woefully ill prepared for this job 🤓)

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

12 years

Athletics is ruining adult literacy. Discus.

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Stephen Grant

@stephencgrant

2 years

So Harry has said that William ‘pushed him over’ in an argument. They are brothers ffs. Come back to us when one of you tried to put a firework up the other’s arse while asleep.

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