Juliet Brando @sliderulesyou Twitter profile

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 years

If you like things I say here, buy me a glass of wine. Thanks, kind humans. X

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Last Seen Profiles

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 months

Adopting a totally feral cat is amazing. I tamed her through reading Terry Pratchett to her, but now she demands it before bed every night. She stands at the top of the stairs and shouts until I come up and read to her, and then she gets into her hammock and listens until asleep.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 months

POV: you're on your deathbed and catch a faint whiff of marmalade sandwiches...

Kai

@Pai_Kage

5 months

Really gotta stop watching horror movies And putting hats on banisters

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

22 days

2222222222222222222222.

Bob Smith

@Schmiffy12

23 days

Seen this morning on the Somerset Levels, 22 swans in line astern

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 months

@FrizFrizzle Her daughter is a big silly. I dyed my mum's hair purple a couple of years ago, for her 74th.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 months

I know this is technically treason to tweet this, but I suspect that Giles and Mary from Gogglebox might not be very nice people.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 years

Just finished this drawing. Our true Queen.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

3 years

At some point, the carpenter must have weighed up whether hiding this in the top of a church would be funny enough to risk eternal damnation for. Also, as slow-burner jokes go, 800 years is quite the wait. Unequivocally worth it though.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 years

*I burst out of the time portal into a Covent Garden cafe on a warm May morning in 2014* Ed: What?! Where did you- Me: Put down the sandwich! Ed: But I just- Me: PUT DOWN THE SANDWICH!

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

6 months

@defnotadino Step parent who was cut off from the child I'd brought up for many years, here. She is still the best thing that ever happened to me, and I'm so proud of her for everything she's achieved. Send it. X

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 months

Jimmy Carr after someone dared him to eat a whole Lindt Bunny without chewing.

U.S. politicians doing normal shit

@normalpols

2 years

Richard Nixon sitting at his desk. July 1952.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 months

A local bar has astroturfed all surfaces in the toilets to stop people doing coke, and it's like having a piss as a Teletubby.

Ginger Tucci

@Ginger_Tucci

5 months

This restaurant has fake grass and flower walls everywhere, went for a piss and felt like Attenborough rummaging through the jungle trying to catch my prey.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 month

So proud of my town. The local Mosque got threats from the fash today, so the community mobilised at very short notice to show that there's no place for hate in Hastings.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 years

IT IS AT THIS TIME OF YEAR that we must remember when Hastings' Jesus tripped over and smashed a window.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 year

Nobody ever called Paul O'Grady a nonce, nor should they have, because he wasn't. Lily Savage was based on a sex worker, but was on prime-time telly. The only reason people are kicking off about drag queens or trans people now is because of a well-funded culture war. That's it.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 months

@stepheniscowboy His name is King Prince Charles, and will always be.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

8 months

Do a murder! An actual murder! On a dancefloor! No court in the land would convict!

Sophie Ellis-Bextor

@SophieEB

8 months

This is so crazy. What should I do to celebrate??! X

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 months

@AlephDara Winter, my darling little cryptid.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

4 months

I respect identities and pronouns, because I'm not a dick, but the moment it hit me that trans women are women was years ago, when a trans friend arrived at a party, upset, after being hassled by a man in a car who actually drove round and pulled over to threaten her. One of us.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

4 months

I'm aware that I was an odd child, but my Mum just informed me that, when I was about 4 years old, I named one of my teddy bears "Sue Lawley". This is Sue Lawley.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 years

When you don't check your stock image properly.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 months

For those new to this, she was *so* feral when I adopted her that she put me in hospital within the first 24 hours. Bitten to the bone on both hands and one leg. I persevered, and the Terry Pratchett books paid off. 6 months later, she's the gentlest, most loving little baby.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 months

The siblings who are related to the Chuckle Brothers are the absolute best though. If I went to the pub with them, I'm certain I'd laugh so hard I'd rupture several organs.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 year

Update: WHAT DID SHE DO?!

Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 year

Update from Facebook: my friend Zoe bought the possibly cursed picture!

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

9 years

The @DailyMailUK , there. http://t.co/gG9Ll7rRWF

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

9 months

Don't give me that "Santa Buddy" shit, Bublé! If you're going to sing the song, you're having full sex with Santa. Those are the rules.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 months

@Nick_Pettigrew "it's not *really* eugenics though, is it nutty"

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 years

Unpopular opinion: every country is allowed one golf course, and only one. The rest should be rewilded, possibly with added wolves, leopards, or both.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 months

I am a bad person and have locked a Tory in a room. Please pay me £5000 or I'll let him out.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

9 months

What was the Jingle Bells at your school? Era and location if possible. Mine, mid-'80s, SE England: Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin flew away, Uncle Billy lost his willy on the M5 motorway.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 years

Whenever a chap boasts about having had sex with lots of people, I assume he's not very good at it - none of those people wanted to stick around and do it with him regularly so he kept having to find new ones. The higher the number, the more inept he must be at sex.

Page Six

@PageSix

5 years

Joel Schumacher has estimated that he’s had up to 20,000 sexual partners

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 years

@SoozUK I had one of the y2k bras with clear straps *and* padding made of some kind of viscose liquid. I was at a posh event when it got a puncture. Bra-juice leaked out all over my shimmery dress, as one breast slowly deflated, leaving my norks a lopsided, greasy disaster area.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

10 months

Casting makes or breaks a comedy. Reply to this thread with a comedy actor who makes every scripted line far funnier with their delivery, and deserves to be appreciated and celebrated. I'll start: Janine Duvitski. Underappreciated, talented Queen.

Janine Duvitski | Actress, Soundtrack

Known for: The New World, The Madness of King George, About a Boy

m.imdb.com

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 year

@MrMononym She hasn't responded to anyone on Facebook, which leaves me a little concerned.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

4 months

I long to live in a country that can afford to make scripted comedy, rather than just shows where comedians are filmed going on holiday to nicer countries.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

4 months

Remember when Britain's most gullible headteacher said that she had been told about children identifying as a cat, a hologram, and a robot, and she was the only one not to see the punchline.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

3 years

Lovely thread to cleanse what's been a tough weekend for many: My elderly neighbour feeds a semi-tame fox who she's named Ferdi. Earlier this year, Ferdi began showing up for her meals with a small, thin cat, and they'd share the plate of food. My neighbour took photos...

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 year

Prescient Terry Pratchett passage:

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

7 years

I'm no fan of Laura Kuenssberg, but she always looks like she's on the cover of NME, circa 1994, about to launch an album I'd really enjoy.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

7 months

@VeryBadLlama @spillthekatea Before bed, I have to go round my house with my little Senegal on my shoulder, saying "night night" to every room before switching every light off and shutting doors, before a long cuddle, a preen, then putting him in his cage. If I miss a step, he gets angry and corrects me.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 year

Instead of being angry about train people wanting better pay and a safer service for passengers and staff, we should probably be more angry that the rest of us don't have a Mick Lynch or similar to fight our corner.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

6 months

Instead of the popular ones about celebrities removing ribs for autofellatio or getting jizz pumped from their stomachs, what's a pop culture myth that seemed exclusive to your school? Ours was that Lucky Strike was called that because one in every thousand cigs was a spliff.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

6 years

Now tempted to make a card featuring both my ts and my c.

Moonpig

@MoonpigUK

6 years

please stop uploading pics of your genitals to our cards it is against our ts and cs

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

11 years

How to pour liquid from a carton properly, as explained by a Japanese diagram. Life now improved immeasurably. http://t.co/Gzsdegz1vF

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 years

@scousepie Many ambulance crews are two cis guys. Linehan doesn't know paramedics work.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 years

Leavers on the line.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

4 months

There is no white-knight misogyny, however you excuse it, whatever you imagine the woman's origin story to be that makes her less of a woman in your eyes. It's misogyny.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 year

"Wait, put down that pillow, WHAT ARE YOU-"

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

11 months

This just came up in my Facebook memories.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 months

Out with sprogs earlier and Tiny Niece had a bee sticker and said "I HATE BEES" (she doesn't hate bees, but likes the word "hate" and likes trying it out). I replied "bees are good, bees are good... Ebeneezer Good" and a woman at the next table fully burst out laughing.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 months

@AidanCTweets Exactly this! I once had a colleague who didn't like hearing a staff member call his male partner "darling" on the phone, because it made her think of them having sex. I asked why she was imagining them having sex, and all she could say was "well, you know". I didn't know.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 years

When my mum spoke about the '60s, she told me how there was a sort of collective optimism that things were getting better. I realise that I've never lived through a time like that, or even had that feeling. I would like us to have a time like that, whether real or imagined.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

6 months

If I were a multimillionaire who lived in a castle, I would go full Enya and be a cat-hoarding recluse, maybe give to charity and volunteer for stuff, and would spend absolutely *no* time at all raging about the genitals or chromosomes of strangers. Maybe that's just me though.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

6 years

@jowrotethis Also...

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 months

I'm now allergic to that William Morris leaf print on anything.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 month

Looks like a space Jamiroquai would struggle to keep his balance in during the '90s.

Rose

@rose_jlab

1 month

my workplace has a "wellness" room and it's just this weirdly long room that obviously used to be a storage space that looks like this

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

9 years

#BenefitsStreet Approx 30 mins gap between "she hasn't worked in 15 years" voiceover and "she has a severely disabled 15-year-old son."

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

3 months

In the pub recently, I was elaborating on how Jonathan Gullis seems like someone who doesn't clean his arse and, by the time I described imagining his washing line of pants as "tea-stained bunting", one friend pleaded with me to stop talking.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 months

@Purrrperson Baby in her hammock.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

3 years

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

4 months

This was many years ago, when I was still new to knowing trans people, as I know that presentation and identity can be fluid, and mine is certainly not fixed, but this was the event that really made my brain change gear on misogyny.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

3 years

After retweeting this earlier, I have discovered that, for a lot of the world, May is the anonymous protagonist in the Funny Walking White Lady meme.

Marie Le Conte

@youngvulgarian

3 years

oh my *god*

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

7 months

Most niche spot ever, but the silver fox couple from the Arnold Clark ident appear to be extras in the background of today's #BBCdoctors .

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

6 years

"Fuck off, Thomas."

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 months

The other night, some passing strangers looked fabulous, so I told them so. One said "TAKE THIS TINY DUCK!" I did. I now have a really tiny duck, and have no idea why.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 year

Let me tell you a story. This is Turdy. 9 years ago, Turdy was roaming in my old house, pissing and shitting. The humane trap and peanut butter paid off, and Turdy was rehomed in a pile of mossy logs on Reigate Hill. This would have been the end of the Turdy saga, but-

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 year

@MrMononym Update: we've just been talking on messenger and it's fucking wild! No wonder she took the picture back!

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 months

I'm curious to see what Reform's 13 seats are, because when people speak of no-go areas...

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

3 years

Due to having a signature instead of a typed name on the front of all her books, I spent a much of my early childhood thinking the writer's name was "Gnid Blyton". Gnid.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

7 months

Now that everyone has seen and commented on the video of the champion golf woman being mansplained at, I absolutely must say, in an entirely non-sexual way, that she's got an amazing arse. Everyone is thinking it, and nobody said it because they read the room, BUT HERE I AM.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

6 months

Via Facebook.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

11 months

@james_blue_cat Bloody hell, I'm glad nothing was stolen. This is my Yahoo inbox last week. They were keen.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 years

@holly An American friend once told a British one night stand that he was "quite good" at sex, and then was baffled as to why he was so upset. This made me laugh a lot.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 months

I know I phrased the original tweet badly but, in my defence, I was shitfaced.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 year

Update from Facebook: my friend Zoe bought the possibly cursed picture!

Jayne Sharp

@Jaynesharp

1 year

Buying! What’s the worst that could possibly happen?

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 months

It's so that people who don't have an indoor place to sleep can't sleep there.

Guy Lambert

@GuyLambertUK

5 months

What is it with bus stops designing the least comfortable seating experience possible?

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

3 years

Due to supply chain issues, THE YARD is currently experiencing a shortage of BOYS.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 month

Tiny Niece has given me a makeover.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 months

It's all kicking off on local Facebook today.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 years

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 year

@FuoKcu

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

3 years

@NathanBLawrence @Helzbels My Roomba always finds new objects to mount and hump like a horny tortoise until it makes a noise and falls asleep.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

9 months

Absolute scenes at the Pearly Gates today.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 year

Had a brilliant conversation with a funeral director today. Turns out that cardboard coffins are less environmentally friendly than wood ones, and are more expensive. The crematorium needs fuel, as humans are mostly liquid. It needs to burn longer for people in cardboard boxes.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

8 months

FAO Nostalgia Meme Creators: nobody is stopping you from drinking out of a hosepipe. No need to keep it as something you reminisce about on social media. Go out there now. Drink from that hosepipe. Put your lips round its rim and suckle on it like a algae-coated nipple. Do it.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

3 months

@ask_aubry Boxed wine and cats in my future, you say? Oh broseph, DON'T THREATEN ME WITH A GOOD TIME!

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 years

"BREXIT IS A NONCE" graffiti, 21st May, 2019. Never change, Hastings.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 years

Someone I fancy: My brain: Quick, ask them something! Me: If birds celebrated birthdays, would they have the party on the anniversary of the day they came out of their mother as an egg, or the day they came out of their egg as a chick? My brain: Not that!

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

10 years

"New porn regulations be damned!" shouted Barbie. http://t.co/X4hjTZ9ulK (via @nakedtruthguy )

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

11 months

Walking to the station, I saw a tiny child wearing a red coat with the hood up. Had a little chuckle to myself that the parent clearly hadn't seen Don't Look Now. As I walked past the tiny child, they turned round and they weren't a tiny child at all, but a tiny old woman. 👀

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 years

RIP Grumpy Cat. Illustration by @sliderulesart . More at

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 months

@PaulRoe100 We're working through them at the moment, and on Jingo right now.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

3 years

A friend on Facebook has revealed new info! I've seen the flaps version (and the PJ Harvey song) but never knew there were willy and bumhole ones out there!

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 month

Big turn out by local people to show that there's no place for hate in Hastings. At the last count, no fash yet.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

4 months

In other news, did we ever decide whether MSG is bad for us, because I bought some this week, have been putting it in every meal, and it's absolutely bloody delicious?

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

5 years

Also, support sex worker rights and be kind to seagulls.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

10 years

This. http://t.co/8EX0Lwxnpw

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

1 month

I've lost about 40 followers after retweeting people who say that women and girls are not, in fact, helped by calling a cïs boxer a man for racist reasons, or by getting shitfaced and smashing up streets and Mosques, also for racist reasons. Good. Those followers were not okay.

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

2 years

Does anyone get a sort of preemptive grief whenever they feel love? A sort of knowing that your loved ones will one day not be there, and the horrible, hollow, weepy feeling that comes with that? I spoke about it once in a support group, and a guy heckled me with "GOTH!"

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Juliet Brando

@sliderulesyou

7 years

Fascinating research into the story behind the story of the Pied Piper.

The lost children of Hamelin

The tale of the Pied Piper of Hamelin is based on a tragic event that dates back to 1284. What happened in Hamelin, and who was the mysterious Pied Piper? Image: Feans

mjpcuervo.com

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@sliderulesyou

4 months

If the Green Party got even a tiny amount of the screen time Reform or any of these GBeebies parties has, it would landslide the fuck out of any election.

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