Mark Howie @skimpybean Twitter profile

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Imagine upsetting your wife so much that it's the only thing she can remember. She's in pain. So much pain, because that's literally the only thing in her head and every time she sees your face, she's reminded of your infidelity and how hurt she was.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

11 months

@fesshole Taking care of your queen can take many different forms and you've clearly dedicated many hours avenging her loss. Big W for you.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

8 months

@fesshole They'll catch on eventually and then, @RishiSunak , your days in office will be numbered.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole How are confessions like this on the same Twitter account as people using melon ballers to evacuate their bowels? I'm struggling to reconcile the two.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

8 months

@fesshole I know someone else who does this. I don't call her Cappy because I rather enjoy being married and want to keep it that way, ya big weirdo.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

8 months

@fesshole Don't worry about it. The executor of your mum's estate, and the tax man, will know exactly how much it's worth.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

9 months

@fesshole We've been waiting weeks for an actual confession. I never once thought that the admin would choose a cat wanker to break the streak of mundanity.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@HighJon @jck_shp What's their son got to do with their sausage rolls? Loads of nice people have dodgy kids. Can't always blame the parents.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

11 months

@fesshole Snitches get P45s?

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole Upside down is the correct way. You should divorce your wife for her own benefit.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole You've been together three years and you don't know what to do? Leave her so she can find someone who deserves her.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole But two of those employers know, because your tax code at those other jobs will show that your personal allowance has been used up.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole Your wife would probably have mentioned it by now.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

3 years

@fesshole An actual confession that could land someone in jail. I like it.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole Being a man isn't the problem. Being a dirty little pervert is the problem.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole It's your time that's being lost, only fair that you're compensated.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

7 months

@fesshole But you knew that anyway because you live opposite.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole I get quite bored of all the "didn't happen" responses to some fesses, but this is the most didn't happen-ness of all time. Like, it's right up there with Phil Schofield standing in a queue, and me finishing Uni.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole 36 hours earlier, she and her side piece had a full English breakfast after a night of passion. That wasn't your mushroom.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

4 years

@ScouseBirdBlogs So after getting some work, he's taken your name, Googled you, found your Instagram, scrolled back God knows how far, then decided to send that message to a new customer. What a pleb. A dangerous pleb.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

3 years

@SkySportsPL I thought he retired form professional football last summer when he joined Spurs.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

5 years

@nharmertaylor @Scouse_ma If only the players had the names on the back of their jerseys.... Or looked completely different.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

11 months

@fesshole You're very confident that she's gonna keep you until at least Christmas.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Pick up your baby. They'll give you lots of attention, your wife will get a break and maybe, just maybe, she might have some spare energy for you.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole You could always say that another Airbnb customer told you 🤷‍♂️

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole The whole conversation could have just been "incapable of wiping my own arse".

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

7 months

@fesshole Mate, you need to put the lottery on. The odds of that happening are infinitesimally small. Like, so incredibly unlikely that the less trusting among us might struggle to believe it.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole So she brought up the topic? This ain't gonna last long.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole I've heard this joke before but it was told so much better. ⭐1/10. Shame on fesshole for letting this dross through.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

6 months

@fesshole Your choice but bear in mind, she'll likely do it again.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

8 months

@fesshole Fair enough. You f'd around, found out, adjusted your attitude and became a better person. Well done.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Covering yourself in shit as you stamp your log down the plughole was less embarrassing than going back and saying "Eh, I meant toilet"?

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole You are the only man that does this.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole She didn't finish the affair. That's why she still had the watch.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole No-one who thinks that is worth your time. Well done. Enjoy the moment.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

8 months

@fesshole Assuming you're male, you might want to have your prostate checked if it really eases off the flow rate.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole As you approach a year in service and you come up for review, well, I hope it turns out ok for you.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole It's not like she's gone looking in the pet stuff drawer and pulled out the scissors she knows you use on dog grooming. No, you went into the kitchen and thought, "I'll use these kitchen scissors". You are the reason men get a bad name.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole That's a strange dynamic. Aren't you allowed to eat whatever you want? What would your wife do if she found out? So many questions.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole What if they're flashing you because there's an incident ahead and you just go barreling around the corner making your hand gestures?

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Some of the absolutely filth I've submitted and this dross gets through. FFS.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

6 months

@fesshole I mean, there's levels of "related". We can't really get judgy if you aren't gonna share just how incestuous your fling was flung.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole The sooner you realise you were at fault and ask her what you did, the sooner you can move on to the next petty argument that'll drain the life force from you both.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Can't be that bad if it took you 20 years to figure it out.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

11 months

@fesshole This sounds a lot worse than you thought when you typed this.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Unless you're in your 40s, this is unlikely. Cameras above each and every supermarket till with the current scanned item superimposed for cross referencing. This was the oldest supermarket employee scam but not for a long time.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole There's no evidence that she's having an affair. In fact, as presented, she's working her tits off, away from home, missing her kids and her husband's online making unfounded allegations and flexing about having the whole bed to himself.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole Dude. Think it's probably more to do with your performance when you've had a few shandies.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole My mum forgot to scan some bananas while doing a Scan and Go shop. So devastated, she took the barcode back the following week and paid for them at customer services. She got some very weird looks from the staff member.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole So much attention from all the married women with kids? Any chance they're just chatting to you because you're the parent of a teammate? Y'know, like happens at kids' football games.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole He knows. He's being nice. The authorised devices show on his account and if he's known for signing into other people's tellies, he'll have to manage the logged in devices regularly. Buy him a pint.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole Sounds like he had a lucky escape.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole She knows. Wouldn't keep sending them if she didn't.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole Feels like "accidentally" is carrying a LOT of weight in this confession.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

11 months

@fesshole Post them anyway, can't be much more mundane than some of the stuff that gets through.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole We've been through this before. Loyalty cards have checks and controls that stop multiple scans/additions so that this can't be done. If we're just publishing invented fesses, can't we at least publish some original ones?

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@Iamnotabanana92 @fesshole It shouldn't be but, supposedly, there's a lot of lads who couldn't find one with a torch, a map and a Sherpa guide.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Unless they're cheques, where's the win?

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

11 months

@fesshole Put it in an account and take her out once in a while if it worries you that much.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

11 months

@fesshole Your wife is wrong.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole Just because you track the kids, doesn't mean you need to track each other. That's a bit weird.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@CCupo @FootyBevs @NewYorkRedBulls This may be 2 beers in NY but that size can is a single beer, maybe 1¼ beers in the UK.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

11 months

@fesshole One might have thought that within a year, you'd have been able to ascertain if he was engaged to be wed. Not a very proficient stalker, are we?

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole They're not visiting you, they're visiting their offspring, maybe their grandchildren. All you're doing is making them dislike you.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Not been caught because they didn't care when you started and you've earned every promotion since.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole No-one is taking any notice of you or your bathroom shenanigans.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Excellent dad/son activity. Keep up the great work.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Bit of a win for her by all accounts.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole That's ok because maths is facts. It's not like the prime numbers have changed since Shakin' Stevens was hitting the charts.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole Not all heroes wear capes! Or did you wear a cape?

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

6 months

@fesshole There's no way these "friends" aren't sharing this information throughout the group, so my guess is that you're so humourously small, and poor in bed, that they're seducing you for a laugh.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

11 months

@fesshole "Despite a physics PhD"? I think you should listen to your wife more and respect her qualifications. The warmer the water is, the less the kettle has to increase the temp to boil it, so it'll take less time. Might be negligible but it will be less.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole So the working class people have to take a whole day off work, while the affluent ones can get their appointment over and done with, then back to WFH before they're missed.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

7 months

@fesshole "Honey, please don't break the spaghetti in half before cooking them". Problem solved.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole How big is your ego that you think anyone (especially in London) gives a flying fuck which train station you alight at?

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Go on. Blame that monstrosity on autocorrect. I dare ya.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

11 months

@fesshole Good. We never turn the heating off. If the thermostat kicks in, it kicks in. No point in trying to be hard when you could just be warm.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

7 months

@fesshole You're not doing it right. Dairylea on toast is way superior.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

9 months

@fesshole Yer da obviously knew it wasn't him, yet he didn't fight his corner. He wanted out. Probably because of you.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

11 months

@fesshole A great dad would have fessed up and taken the grief from the Mrs. Shame on you.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Do you still teach?

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole That's a messy situation to find yourself in.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

11 months

@fesshole Sniffing other people's fluids? Minging.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Having favourites and calling her a twat; I hope this is made up. True or false, I'm not convinced you're the kind of person I'd like in my friends group.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole First thing he did was call the number. He knows but he's a good dad.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

3 years

@1974wastheyear @eugenelexy @_TJ932O @Mx0lisiZ0ndo Language is constantly evolving and adapting, especially online where efficiency is utmost. You may also have missed the Nigerian flag in Lexy's screen name, suggesting that colloquialisms may be coming into play.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole A mile and a half you say? Fucking amateur. I've been stuck behind two lorries doing this for over SEVEN miles!

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Who else thought this was going down the voyeur/Only Fans route.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole "find passengers CAMERAS". FFS, if you're gonna make up a fess, at least get the words the right"

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

1 year

@fesshole You didn't lie. You don't know where you contracted that viral infection if you think it came from biscuits.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

10 months

@fesshole You really should have read this back before posting it.

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Mark Howie

@skimpybean

2 years

@fesshole Interesting. Everyone else who needs assistance at Alton Towers has to apply for a Ride Access Pass and provide evidence of their entitlement to mobility allowance or have a doctor's diagnosis.

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