sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy Twitter profile

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

5 years

Do people who run marathons know they don’t have to?

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

7 months

You worked 40 hours this week, so please enjoy the next 48 hours of chores and errands.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re the person who falls asleep on the couch after dinner and says “I was just resting my eyes for a minute."

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

My husband decided to learn Moonlight Sonata on the piano and he’s been playing it nonstop for over two hours now. I think this is how true crime novels begin.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

7 months

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead. I guess she doesn’t remember me.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 months

It's okay, facial recognition. I don't recognize myself anymore either.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween. Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

12 days

That moment when you finish all the dishes, turn around, and realize you forgot all the pots and pans on the stove.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 years

I wish I could go out with you tonight but I have two avocados that will be ripe from 6:00- 6:15PM.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

6 years

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning. Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

5 years

Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

4 months

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

6 months

I was annoyed at my husband for misplacing his sunglasses again. After retracing our steps, I realized I was actually sitting on them in the car. So, I threw them under his seat and became the hero when I found them. Follow me for more marriage advice.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 years

My husband just shushed me. He will be missed.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 months

I didn't feel like cooking, so I told my husband the water will be off in our building until 8:00 PM, so we’ll have to go out to dinner tonight. Lies are totally acceptable when they include margaritas.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

6 years

My husband just scratched his balls with the tv remote. You single ladies don't know what you're missing.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

My husband just accused me of marrying him for free tech support. I’m not gonna lie, it was in my the top 3 reasons

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

8 years

Why do women always assume I'm thinking the worst when I look at them? Maybe I think you have pretty hair you dumb whore.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

6 years

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

6 months

I just got an email from Prime Video saying the ad free service I’M ALEADY PAYING FOR will no longer be ad free unless I give them an additional $3.00 per month. You greedy little f**kers. I just canceled my service.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

4 months

Me: *coughs* *coughs again* Husband: Are you ok? Me: Yes. *secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

Welcome to middle age. You’re no longer spontaneous. Everything requires at least two weeks notice now.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 months

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “You go ahead, I'm just going to sit for a minute.”

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

7 years

Librarian: Shhh! Me: *changes blender to low setting*

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

4 years

Husband: *rearranging our throw pillows* Me: [from upstairs] That’s not how they go.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

4 years

Welcome to middle age. Clean sheet night excites you now.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

4 years

I don’t trust anyone who can nap in jeans.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

10 years

I started using extra sensitive toothpaste and now I can't stop crying.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

4 years

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 years

When my husband makes me mad I’ll send him to the store for something that doesn’t exist.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

My husband had a great idea today that I came up with 6 months ago.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

7 years

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls) Him: What are you doing? Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

10 years

I talk a lot of shit for someone who can’t put her panties on without falling over.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

Has 50 coffee mugs. Drinks out of the same one every day.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 years

"Remember where we parked." -Me, to my dog.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

People want to hear your honest opinion as long as it’s the same as theirs.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 years

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco. If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I'm making it 2 months.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

Any restaurant: “Be careful. The plate is hot.” Me: *touches it*

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

6 years

Salesman: What’s your sleep number? Me: I don’t know, maybe 20 guys. The 80s are still a blur.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

4 months

Husband: Why are your hands bleeding? *flashback to me struggling to open a pistachio for 20 minutes* Me: I’m learning how to play guitar.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

8 years

Why font matters.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

9 years

My friend's kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he's my favorite person.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

5 years

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

5 years

I told my husband he has to shave his entire body before he sees the dermatologist today. Lies are okay when they’re entertaining.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

5 years

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

Autocorrect just changed “I’ll host everyone” to “I hate everyone.” Long story short, I’m free for the holidays now.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 years

A woman was talking loudly on her phone in the bathroom stall next to me so I started responding to everything she said She didn’t think it was as amusing as I did

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

6 years

A threesome but it’s just me and two different pieces of pie.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

The guy behind me is rolling his eyes and sighing because he thinks it will make the cashier go faster. I’m next and can’t wait to ask for price checks on items that don’t even exist.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

I spend the first 10 minutes at any social event planning my exit strategy.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 months

When you tell your husband not to buy any ice cream, and then he actually shows up with no ice cream.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 years

Welcome to middle age. You can’t remember if you took your pills 10 minutes after you take your pills.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 years

The average American eats 25 donuts per year. I am clearly picking up the slack for someone out there.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

1 year

I’ve started writing my grocery lists based on what aisle something is in. I have the entire store memorized. This is who I am now.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

I either forget to eat all day or eat 200,000 calories. There is no in between.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

*the sound of me falling down the stairs* My husband: Is my computer ok?

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 years

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts, WE HATE YOU! Sincerely, Everyone born in December & January.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

7 years

I'm having lunch with my mom today. I can't wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 years

Get married if you want to accidentally scare someone in the hallway and then argue about who was at fault.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

7 months

Get married so you can yell something to your spouse, and they can yell 'What?' ten times from another room, instead of walking 25 feet.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

9 days

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.* iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

Me: I’m hungry. Fridge: I’m full of the veggies and fruit you just purchased. Me: Doritos it is!

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

7 months

Therapist: Are you doing anything special for each other during the holidays? Me: I made him an advent calendar. Therapist: That was thoughtful of you. Husband: It was filled with pieces of paper with errands I need to run before Christmas.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

4 years

Nothing in life prepares you for stepping in something wet while wearing socks.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 months

Husband: Where are you going? Me: I have to run a quick errand. Husband: You're going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids? Me: Maybe. Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

26 days

Kids today will never understand the heartbreak of getting to Blockbuster too late on a Friday and finding out all the copies of the movie you've been waiting all week to watch are gone.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

5 years

ME: Do you have to breathe like that? HUSBAND: If I want to stay alive. ME: *sigh* Fine, whatever.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

6 months

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me. So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 years

When you’ve been with your family 24/7 and need 5 minutes alone so you don’t lose your shit.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

8 years

*tries to quit twitter*

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

1 year

I can’t be friends with people over 40 who use the same slang as their teenage children. That shit is so sus.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 months

My favorite coworker is the one who speaks the least.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

9 years

Why are they called boxers and not junk drawers?

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

Sometimes my husband and I sit at Starbucks and try to guess who has someone locked in their basement.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

1 year

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight? Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

I’m at an age where I laugh and walk away if someone tells me I’ll have to wait an hour for a table.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

I just blocked two family members on social media. The holidays are going to be fun this year.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

4 months

Someone I know decided to launch a new business based on an idea they stole from me. Guess who just bought up every possible version of the company's domain? 😁

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

9 years

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client's tampon during a bikini wax. I guess she doesn't remember me.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years* (The next day) Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 years

My step kids sweetly refer to me as “You’re not my real mother” and “My mom cooks way better than you.”

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

4 years

My husband brought home a heart shaped pizza. He’s going to get so lucky after I pop some Tums, cut these Spanx off, and his viagra kicks in.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

4 years

My husband brought home unfrosted Pop-Tarts and now I have to file for divorce. We had a good run.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

7 years

My turkey is moister than your mom at a Neil Diamond concert.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 months

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

No one would think I’m an adult if they saw my snack choices.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

4 years

The first rule of Hot Dog Club is: you do not talk about what’s in hot dogs.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

7 months

Husband: *choking on a Dorito* Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

5 years

I describe my husband’s style as “Is that what you’re wearing?”

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

2 years

I had to leave a holiday party early last night because of an emergency at home. Granted, the emergency was trying on my new PJs and eating all the food I stole on my way out the door.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

5 years

Me: I love you. Husband: I love you too. Me: I respect you. Husband: What? Me: I appreciate you. Husband: OMG! What did you buy?

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

3 years

Welcome to middle age. Staying home on a Saturday night is now a victory.

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sixfootcandy

@sixfootcandy

9 years

Grandma: Please don’t name her Candy. People will think she’s a stripper. Mom: [baptizing me in glitter] What?

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