Avogadro’s House of Moles @schumoo Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 months

Please don't make me unleash my potential I'm so sleepy

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 months

Maybe the real treasure was the interesting rocks we picked up along the way.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

Avoiding people was more enjoyable when it was on my terms.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 months

I absolutely will not do you a solid that's disgusting

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

9 years

Checks for abs Finds an M&M

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

9 years

Have you ever spent some quiet time alone examining your life? Don't.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

As a dad it's your duty to ask "how were the roads?" within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

5 months

The 90s were a special time for example we didn't even know what the hell gluten was.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

One day you buy q-tips and you think son of a bitch that's a lot of fuckin q-tips and then five, ten years later you have no more q-tips

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

8 years

"She's out of my league." Vodka: No she's not.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

9 years

I hate when fat pants become regular pants.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

New rule: If a food is vegetarian it should not be shaped like meat and should be able to stand on its own merits.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

"It was a simpler time" is short for "I was naive and no one had seriously fucked me over yet"

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

5 years

I just learned that my wife has “house socks” and “public socks” and I didn’t even know you could do that.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

7 years

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

9 years

I happen to like the lines at the corner of your eyes. It tells me you smile and laugh a lot.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

My neighbor is acting creepy again with inappropriate questions like "hey how's it going" and "when can I get my lawnmower back"

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

9 years

Dirty deeds done at market price.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

I'm gonna milk this for all it's worth. - some weirdo looking at an almond

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

Cats are like okay I'll hang out and let you feed me but I don't know you and you don't know me

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

You know how when something is wrong with your car but you're afraid to take it to the mechanic because he's going to find a lot of other shit wrong? That's why I don't see a therapist

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like "frozen ice cubes" or "granulated sand" and watching people's eyes twitch.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

I don't know how some of you pump out so many tweets. I normally have about four coherent thoughts per day along the lines of "I should eat something"

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

Don't be sad is some shitty advice

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

9 years

Tune in tomorrow for "where did I get that bruise" and other hangover mysteries.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

5 years

Find yourself a woman who’s smarter than you and just a little stabby.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

At night, if I lie there very quietly, I can hear my body decaying.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

It's not your job to help morons navigate through life

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That's right, unsupervised eating.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

7 years

If I'd wanted your opinion I would have married you.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

Me in my 20s: I'm bored, I think I'll go on a 30 mile bike ride Me today: Why is the refrigerator so far away from the couch?

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

Like a good neighbor shut the fuck up

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

I now understand why my dad looked like he did when he was my age. The man was tired.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

You're beautiful to me, from your head down to your ankle monitoring device.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

Village idiot sounds like a low pressure job where I can be comfortable and act naturally

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

Your parents had such high hopes for you and here you are with a Twitter account

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

I don’t know which disorder I have but it’s not one of the fun ones

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

Not FOMO but FOBI, fear of being included

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

What, and I cannot stress this part enough, the fuck

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

You ever get out of bed and just know that you’ve peaked for the day?

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

8 years

I have a system. It never works, but I have a system.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

I don't know what's going on. I'd like to keep it that way.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

"What the fuck?" I exclaimed wholeheartedly

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren't disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

I wish I played the piano so I wouldn’t have to talk to people at fancy parties.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

What if this is just the practice pandemic?

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

I'm still awkward I just don't care anymore

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

5 years

One time I ordered two cheeseburgers at a McDonalds drive thru and when I got home found that they had given me two Quarter Pounders with cheese. I think about that a lot.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say "he's in no condition to see anyone right now"

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

You had me at 90-day prescription refill

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

8 years

Jim Jones can convince 900 people to drink poisoned koolaid but I can't convince one kid to eat something other than chicken nuggets.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

Salad forks are smaller to prolong the suffering

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

6 years

Having a Girl Scout in the immediate family must be like having your own little drug dealer.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

6 years

If you stare at 11am long enough it becomes Ham.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

The pottery scene from Ghost but we're making sausages

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

I only do this for fun, selling loose cigarettes is my main gig

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

5 years

Keep your expectations low and wash your ass. That’s the only advice I’ve got, kids.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

I love this time of year when it's not cold and not too hot...ope now it's too hot

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

Socks are crazy it's like little sleeping bags for your feet

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

I'd take up golf but I'm already pretty much angry all the time as it is

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

9 years

Don't make fun of me. Some day I may be delivering your pizza.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

Feel how smooth my legs are - me making new friends on the city bus

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

6 months

You can just post nonsense and it'll make sense to someone. Give it a try.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

I've had a Twitter account for almost twelve years so I've been here a while and can say with confidence that I don't know what I'm doing

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

I've been stuck in a bean bag chair since Tuesday.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

6 years

Well, fuck. -me every Sunday night about this time

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

Show your kids you ain't fuckin around by taking down the tree today

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

9 years

I have bags filled with other bags. Come get me ladies.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

HR: you've been sent here because you've been replying to emails with *clears throat* "that's fucked up bro". This may be grounds for termination. Me: that's fucked up bro

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

8 months

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

A tweet doesn't need to make sense it just needs to get out of my head

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

5 years

Is it butt naked or buck naked? I want this Mother’s Day card to be perfect.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

6 years

I could have eaten healthy today but I chose to be happy instead.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

Amazon prime in the future: Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

I remember the first time I found my dad's Playboy stash as a young boy and thinking "This is an excellent interview with Burt Reynolds"

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

5 years

How can a tweet be unavailable? Is it in a committed relationship with another tweet?

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

11 months

You can't simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

9 years

Did everyone get their 6 hours of tossing and turning last night?

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

6 years

I’ve fucked up my 2019 goals already so I’m going settle for learning the correct pronunciation of “gnocchi”.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

Shoutout to all those who are staying at home for the benefit of other people.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

Eating pancakes for breakfast Small pancakes Quite small and very dry They have chocolate chips Eating cookies for breakfast

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

I've been married for 5 wonderful years and then there were a bunch of years after that

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

I'm at that awkward age where I have a soul crushing job and mortgage but still like to sip chocolate milk through a crazy straw.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

Give me liberty or give me two eggs over easy, bacon, hash browns and whole wheat toast.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

No children, we did not suck on chili dogs in the 80s. That's Mellencamps private kink.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

9 years

Let the chips fall where they may. I'll eat them off the floor later.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

It's awkward giving the wife an elbow bump after sex instead of the usual hearty handshake

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

2 years

Wondering if my boss will notice that I've used the contraction for the word 'of' in my report e.g. Table o' Contents and "summary o' findings"

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

6 years

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

How the button came off my shirt. A thread.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

People who hang their clothes up are too lazy to pick them up off the floor

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

If you act weird consistently people just accept that you're weird and leave you alone

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

8 months

I've given up trying to look good. The best I can do is "not ill".

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

5 years

At first I thought I had a lazy eye and then realized it’s my whole body.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

4 years

Behave yourself or we're going camping

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

Of all the recreational drugs pop rocks are probably my favorite.

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

If you truly had no fucks to give you'd pin your worst tweet

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Avogadro’s House of Moles

@schumoo

3 years

Break the ice by asking if they want to wrestle

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