𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈ @schmezi Twitter profile

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

4 years

i did the math and everything is stupid

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

Masturbate first then see if you still want to go see him. Sometimes you’re just thirsty.

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

2 years

i would nap with you so hard

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

I don’t want to be smart anymore. How do I get the dumb?

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

*hires hitman to take me out on Valentine’s Day

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

Sorry about the cold front, my soul escaped.

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you?

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

Don’t let my avi fool you. I’m a real fucked up piece of shit.

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

live laugh lock yourself in a bathroom

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

Do you ever wonder what it would be like if your brain would just shut tf up for 5 seconds?

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

mood: i just want to share oxygen with you

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

A rich man buying you something doesn’t mean anything, but a busy man giving you his time means everything

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

3 years

working is dumb, just give me money

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

It’s because I apply logic, isn’t it?

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

You know, I’m really starting to think you guys just follow me for my tweets 😏

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

4 years

sorry about the heat wave, i left the portal to hell open on my way out

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

5 years

Hi, excuse me, ummm.... What the fuck is wrong with people?

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

PSA: Ladies, don’t stop being the same slut you were before you got him

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

2 years

oh, you’re popular here? neato

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

I’m just social on social media. I’ll walk right past you in real life.

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

get in loser, we’re going to hold people accountable

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

5 years

I will ignore your DM just like my parents have ignored me my whole life.

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

My son just brought me french fries to go with my m&m’s and wine for dinner. He’s the real MVP 🌟

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

I just squirted a lemon in your eye 🍋 💦 👀 -hello perverts 😉

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

4 years

fuck a weighted blanket, drop a house on me

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

9 months

i need a hoodie that goes down to my ankles

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

2 years

you had me at haunted library

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

having an entire system that is nervous explains a lot

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

3 years

sometimes the moon is the only friend you need

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

3 years

i’m tired of working, i want to be adopted by forest animals

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

You want my attention? Then give me a reason to give it to you. Don’t be coming in dry af then expect me to be wet 🗣

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

“I like weird people. The black sheep, the odd ducks, the rejects, the eccentrics, the loners, the lost and forgotten. More often than not, these people have the most beautiful souls.” ~Unknown

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

3 years

get in loser, we’re not going anywhere, but we are gonna laugh

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

10 months

what if daylight didn’t want to be saved

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

Them: You’re so funny 😂 Me: Oh thanks, it’s the trauma

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

♡you are enough♡

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

living on earth, in this economy?

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

The cold never bothered me, until you lit the flame in my soul 🔥

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

It breaks my heart to the core when people can’t see their beauty and worth 💔

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

Leave his text on read and his balls on blue

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

i calmed down once, zero stars

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

I like my sleep like I like my man. Long and hard.

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

Don’t just stand there, bust a move 💃🏻

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

10 months

‘tis the season for emotional spirals

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

4 years

get in loser, we’re going to a pagan rave to dance with baby goats.

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

And I think to myself, what a wonderful woooooooooaaahhhh.....wtf was that? -me literally every day

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

3 years

sorry can’t, my raven said nevermore

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

i hope the moon swallows us whole

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

4 years

don’t send flowers, send baby goats

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

These horny little boys at the mall tryna holler at a 40 yr old mom -you’re all grounded

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

4 years

a cheesecake a day keeps the bikinis away, stupid bikinis

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

I can’t believe I shaved my cooter for this

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

look, i don’t go gently anywhere

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

If I swallow magnets will I become attractive? 🤔

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

2 years

go go gadget emotional rollercoaster

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

2 years

chicken fried depression

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

I don’t even know why I tweet anymore

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

Remember when I said your dick was big? I lied 💁🏻‍♀️

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

3 years

living is legit the dumbest thing i’ve ever had to do

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

11 months

you’re welcome for all the dumb shit that i don’t tweet

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

Where in the world is my fucking serotonin? 🔍

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

4 years

it’s like grandma used to say, “stay the fuck away from my pizza.” miss her.

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

2 years

the introvert urge to stop existing

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

this whole living thing is exhausting

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

5 years

I wouldn’t get kissed even if I were Irish.

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

Alexa, knock the power out at work

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

Can’t, because I don’t fucking want to

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

can’t, i’m in a quantum entanglement

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

I hope your holiday breakdown is filled with joy

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

What’s it like to be oblivious?

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

4 years

it’s almost time for midnight mashed potatoes

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

I finally shaved my legs and donated it to Locks of Love

2

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

wake up baby, it’s time to loathe

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

3 years

normalize paying bills with potatoes

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

Do you ever notice how your tone changes depending on who you’re saying “good morning” to?

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

all i wanna do is eat tacos and take naps

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

5 years

Do you know how exhausting it is to have short legs?

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

11 months

it’s not you, it’s my dislike for humans

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

4 years

let’s go for a spin around the galaxy and never return

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

3 years

the way that things cost money is so disrespectful

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

choking on your spit is proof that doing something 10,000 times does not make you an expert

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

4 years

lay me down on a bed of tacos

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

i’m sad that i haven’t received my government issued alien yet

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

5 years

I’ve saved a lot of money by switching to a deactivated debit card.

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

3 years

a window seat to the moon please

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

I’ve been waiting for Ashton Kutcher to tell me I’ve been Punk’d since 2003.

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

if you don’t breastfeed your plants are you even a plant mom?

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

i so solemnly swear that i am more annoying in person

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

I’m everything you dream of, but with a belly 🍩

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

6 years

The 7-Eleven clerk asked me if I wanted a bag or something. I naturally said, no thanks. But now I’m wondering, what was the “or something”? 🤔

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

ok, but with less words

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

zoning out for hours is self care

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

3 years

i never met a potato i didn’t like

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

4 years

surround yourself with people whom have no desire to be normal

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

i’m just two insomniacs and one ibuprofen in a trench coat

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

ok aliens, that’s enough foreplay

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

11 months

the sluttiest thing a man can do is be honest

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

millions of coffees, coffees for me

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𝔰𝔠𝔥𝔪𝔢𝔷𝔦 ᵕ̈

@schmezi

1 year

my existence is flaring up again

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