Sara Schaefer @saraschaefer1 Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

1 year

What better way to meditate on the WGA negotiations than to make a LITERAL mini room? #WGAstrong

121

988

4K

Last Seen Profiles

@RaphaelMcq30505

@guitaristkmj

@Armbrister56062

@marktweedy

@Kalibrated_Maps

@guitaristkmj

@Sexual_annagirl

@LALALAB_app

@Kougaon_

@abbeb30

@CVBLS8

@wsbtv

@idowukhadijata1

@kiing_Julz

@pornpublic__

@MaxWang919

@akivaalpert

@guitaristkmj

@braudraws

@Helloboys23

@Sadistyk_af

@rzecznikKEPpl

@BianTRocca

@ggs_loop

@SymonCesar3

@Posverx

@PTSully97

@TheWeekInn

@e0bx3weGiv92x

@247Sports

@fumufumunews

@JCatinna

@TXHSGBB

@grippygothz

@EstimarZafra

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

My rent check, sent priority mail, arrived 2 weeks late. It wasn’t scanned by the post office for ten days. Thankfully my landlord was understanding. But this postal service mess is going to result in evictions, punitive costs, etc. for many. Fuck this administration forever.

1K

28K

144K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

can’t stop thinking about the overlap between people who say “all lives matter” and people who refuse to wear a mask to protect even just one life

236

28K

144K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

Did I do this right

139

4K

58K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

5 years

I’m assuming the El Paso shooter is being held in a rancid cage where he has to sleep on the floor and drink from the toilet and not take a shower or receive medical care for weeks on end? That’s what you get for “breaking the law,” correct?

386

12K

56K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

5 years

Emma Watson using the term "self partnering" sounds like someone who is reframing negative thinking to gain a kinder relationship to her self. But we should definitely tear her apart, can't let anyone get too cocky on Keanu Reeves Isn't Dating A 22 Year Old Bikini Model Day

186

4K

48K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

5 years

joe rogan is gwyneth paltrow for men?

528

4K

43K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

Warren was my 1st choice but now I'm rolling my sleeves up for Bernie! I don't need his camp to woo me or be nice to me, because I'm an adult who's been voting for 24 years and can handle myself. But if someone can please direct me to the emoji harassment chart I'd appreciate it

1K

3K

38K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

5 years

Learning people’s pronouns??? What’s next? I have to memorize someone’s individual name out of the millions of possible other names?

146

6K

36K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

I don’t need a mask. The blood of Jesus protects me.* *but I do need a gun

127

4K

32K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

So refreshing to see a male comic stand up for women! Who is this up-and-coming woke boy?

cas says free palestine

@CrappyFumes

2 years

This was how Carlin opened the special. He just ran out and this was his first joke. A real one.

610

32K

132K

197

3K

31K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

6 years

. @jack has a point. Twitter does naturally fact check itself. As a woman on here, I have a team of about 40,000 fact checkers ready to let me know if I ever make a logical fallacy or grammar mistake or have a wrong opinion or look ugly or am feeling myself too much! It just WORKS

187

3K

29K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

Imagine growing up and realizing your parents spent their lives harassing kindergarten teachers for having rainbow colors in their classrooms.. and that they did absolutely nothing to protect you as you run on foot away from the thousand-year-floods and fire tornadoes

106

2K

26K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

It's weird how when I do my own research, I find boring facts but when others do their own research, they find out that hillary put tiny computers in our blood. what am I doing wrong?

89

1K

25K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

So scary about Bob Saget. One time I hit my head really hard and didn’t remember it until the next day when I was like ow, what’s that bump on my head? And had a flashback to it happening. Super unsettling… the injury itself prevents you from seeking medical attention right away

175

733

24K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

6 years

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

153

2K

22K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

Every crypto commercial has the desperation of “I gotta get more people to join my downline otherwise what am I gonna do with all these leggings?”

101

2K

22K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

5 years

Was quietly reading a book and looked up and saw my dad doing this

241

2K

21K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

1 year

I was recently looking up ways to prove income for an apartment rental, and I found a site for landlords with tips like "check their bank statements and look for frivolous spending." We really do live in hell don't we

101

1K

22K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

One thing I see repeated by pro gun people is that they if you try to take their gun, they’ll use it on you. I do not have a single possession that I’d be willing to murder someone in order to keep. And I say this as someone with two (2) dollhouses!

95

957

18K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

5 years

The weeping “what about the dead babeeeez” pro-lifer is the worst kind. She prioritizes the fetus because it is NOT a person: an abstract fetish onto which she can project her Rightness. Far easier than the messy business of showing true Christian love to a living human stranger.

101

3K

18K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

you come home and your girl is up-potting the freesia on your $5,000 rug wyd

109

383

16K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

My husband said that states bordering abortion-ban states should do what the fireworks folks do. HUGE billboards “ABORTION DEPOT!! 5 miles”decorated with American flags and shit

31

825

15K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

6 years

When you aren't good at math and don't realize that Taylor Swift won her first Grammy 8 years ago, meaning waves and waves of those 13-year-old girls done gone grown the fuck up.

Gov. Mike Huckabee

@GovMikeHuckabee

6 years

So @taylorswift13 has every right to be political but it won’t impact election unless we allow 13 yr old girls to vote. Still with #MarshaBlackburn

11K

5K

24K

79

2K

14K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

7 years

This whole "don't conflate rape with casual harassment" convo is predicated on the idea that women are so fucking simple that we don't know the difference. Stop talking and listen to us.

97

2K

11K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

9 years

Comedian to do list

205

5K

10K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

I just got 30 min into the new Succesion and kept going “oh wow they’re doing all these flashbacks!” until I realized I had accidentally put on Season 1 Episode 1

116

76

10K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

6 years

I get why some people are hesitant to make fun of Donald Trump Jr's impending divorce "because he has five kids" but have we considered that that this might be the best thing that ever happens to those kids

218

615

9K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

5 years

Twitter is really like the roof of Chernobyl. You have 90 seconds to get in and out. if you stay longer than 90 seconds your life expectancy is cut in half

42

1K

9K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

I can now post this… did a commission for the man himself

75

457

9K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

6 years

thank u tony robbins for the revelation that every time I've never gotten a job it's because I was TOO PRETTY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i've never felt so alive

69

870

8K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

Endured the kind of turbulence today that had the whole plane screaming. even beefy dudes who definitely own multiple guns were crying out “what the fuck what the fuck” No point to this story other than we are all babies when the shit actually hits the fan

96

182

8K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

5 years

Anyone describing Greta Thurnberg's speech as "unhinged" or that she's somehow being "abused" - clearly you've never seen a teen girl speak about ANYTHING she cares about. I took the same tone talking about My So Called Life getting cancelled. #HOWDAREYOU

170

737

8K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

Nowadays, it's difficult to post anything online without someone dropping by your mentions to let you know that you royally fucked it up. To help, I've made this handy disclaimer that you can attach to anything you post!

124

2K

8K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

I’m visiting my dad in Florida and the drama in his condo community is so intense. Old ladies literally sneaking around taking spy photos of contraband patio furniture

70

131

8K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

9 months

lol why does my 7 year old niece look like she just turned 32 and she’s finally learning to love herself

10

82

8K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

My 5 yo niece downloaded this game and I looked over and started watching. She went through 9 levels and at the end had to deliver a baby via c-section. Keep in mind neither of us had any idea what the game was about at first or what it was called until the very end

91

477

7K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

I'm thinking back to the years when I was broke, and a check being late or a missed payment, not receiving a notice about a bill, car registration, etc. All those things can tip the scales for someone living on the edge. What a nightmare.

32

654

7K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

My niece just showed me her extra credit presentation for chemistry. Why does it look like a wedding invitation 😂 thank you Gen Z I have hope for the future

56

234

7K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

Just letting any cult recruiters who follow me know: I am very vulnerable right now. Get in quick

45

592

7K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

Me, ready for all of social media to go down forever

49

496

6K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

When a forced birther says "Just learn self control" or "plan ahead!" this is what it sounds like to me... (cw: abuse, sexual assault)

120

2K

6K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

Also - for the people in my mentions saying "this is not new" - actually it is. I have an etsy shop and use the post office a lot. It IS new. Every single package I've shipped (over 50 in the past two weeks) has been DELAYED.

105

560

6K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

App where you can match with others in your industry who hate the same person as you so you can talk shit with reckless abandon

48

347

5K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

After 2 days of me telling my husband the kitchen smells bad (he’s on dish duty while I work 2 jobs), I awoke to ants swarming the sink and countertop. I cleaned it up, and now I am calmly sitting in the dark on the couch waiting for him to wake up.

92

100

5K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

In Hollywood, you can be fired or blacklisted because you "rubbed someone the wrong way" once 10 years ago. Because you broke some unspoken social rule you didn't know existed. You wore the wrong outfit to a meeting with a man who hates women. You will never ever fucking know.

36

815

5K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

How to celebrate safely with your neighbors

94

774

5K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

If you think the take away from this is that "i should ask my landlord if they accept venmo" please, move along

13

172

5K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

You’re home from school sick, your mom gets this blanket out and makes a sick bed on the couch and brings you a ginger ale. What are you watching?

1K

97

5K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

headlines this year are like “HEARTWARMING: coworkers agree to eat whoever dies first”

7

292

5K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

1 year

Some new tiny thoughts about the writer’s strike. #WGAstrong

107

1K

5K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

tfw the world is ending but you’re still doing your little projects

23

403

5K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

11 months

What Drew Carey did was an example of how EASY it is (when you have the resources) to be a hero. Not naming names, but it really makes you think about other celebrities' behavior during this strike!

15

324

5K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

8 years

I am very sorry I made this shirt. I was wrong. Men are funny. I'm sorry it's also now available in red & gray. …

92

1K

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

1 year

"I didn't get housing because some guy named Kevin thought I was spending too much money at Joann's"

7

93

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

Sounds like a comedian podcaster who tweets out some gnarly shit appealing to their right wing fan base… and then remembers they have a pitch meeting at Peacock next week

70

257

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

7 years

ladies if you have ever been shamed by a man for being overly emotional about anything might I recommend clicking the ESPN trending topic

29

1K

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

5 years

Gotta mute the replies on this so let me just put this here: - I’m not criticizing her - she’s allowed to invent words off the cuff - a woman being single and using a diff term to describe it does not effect you, like at all - fucking chill

21

77

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

There are so many reasons a vaxxed person might want to avoid getting even a mild case of covid. Like for instance having paid work that you’d have to cancel if you are quarantining, you don’t want to spread it to others, you like the taste of food, you have suffered enuf, etc

23

262

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

We had to cancel our ten-year anniversary party that was supposed to happen tonight and at the party we were gonna tell everybody that we recently got married, so instead we are taking this selfie and telling all of you! #StayHome #staythefuckhome

194

114

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

He’s done with covid

682

88

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

There was a lot of “the lockdowns are causing a mental health crisis” and not enough “people refusing to wear masks or follow guidelines thereby prolonging lockdowns, increasing death and making people feel fucking insane are causing a mental health crisis”

19

1K

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

If I was a super wealthy comedian I would just give money to comedy clubs to keep them afloat instead of putting on shows in them and endangering the staff and community. A girl can dream!

24

139

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

I recently read an article about how scary it is to be a white male TV writer these days, and was so taken by their plight I decided to say a prayer for them. Please join me

174

629

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

Just got some happy news. I do NOT have cancer!!! [Maury Povich celebration emoji]

45

6

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

8 years

I'm ready to stand up for those most vulnerable in Trump's America. I voted for a better world for all of us, my fight doesn't stop here.

17

1K

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

1 year

According to the WGA negotiating committee, the studios are pushing for a "day rate" for comedy/variety writers. Truly horrifying. We won't survive something like that. #WGAStrong #WGAStrike #WGAStressed

38

623

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

I went to a state school in the 90’s, paid 90% with student loans. After graduating, I worked non-stop for 13 yrs in good jobs and hadn’t even made a dent- could only afford to pay interest. Finally got out of it by getting my own talk show. EASY! Get your own talk show, slackers

33

93

4K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

8 years

A little nervous posting this but here goes. I became curious about a particularly mean troll. Here's what I found.

214

793

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

What’s the crossover on people who romanticize the “greatest generation” of Americans working together to defeat an enemy and people who have whined nonstop during covid for having to even *think* about other people?

58

361

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

Welcome to the Haha Hole. It’s a bit of a hole in the wall but it’s already legendary. Currently accepting avails from passed comics ONLY.

130

216

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

6 years

Even more important than our right to bear arms is our God given right to become famous

93

321

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

This is how you act when you’re fighting for literally nothing except the feeling of being right and better than others

21

699

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

I’m tired of the “it doesn’t matter, his fans won’t care” dismissal of any new revelation of Trump’s vile behavior. I CARE. Expose it all, forever

43

326

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

Since the pandemic began I’ve been slowly making my way through Six Feet Under (never saw it). I’m now on the final three episodes. Am I in a place mentally, physically and spiritually to handle this? No. Am I doing it anyway? Yes. Pray for me

322

15

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

6 years

I can't stop thinking about Kavanaugh's absurd lies about the yearbook. Trying to pretend he's just a sweet little granny who thought LOL stood for Lots of Love. Come on man. GTFO. (Good time for oatmeal)

26

251

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

Here we go again

37

373

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

Why is every space movie fundamentally about the distance between a father and his daughter

56

88

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

God I wish he would just announce he's deleting it. But most likely it's some shit like "introducing Fook, the new parent company of Facebook. Fook's mission is to integrate technologies using interconnected multiverse innovation hubs."

Onclusive Forward Planner

@OnclusivePlan

3 years

Tomorrow: Mark Zuckerberg makes 'special announcement about the future of Facebook' during interview on CBS (19 Aug)

202

128

496

50

225

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

Was just on a flight and the pilot came on and told us we could take our masks off. No one cheered. Instead, we knew what to do. We took off our masks, all stood up and sang Awesome God. Three flight attendants orgasmed in unison. What an amazing day

30

95

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

@JesseThorn My doctor ordered an MRI recently. The insurance company denied it, but my doctor fought back and it was ultimately approved. And guess what? They found something. Super fucked up!

26

61

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

I just had a memory of something I haven’t thought about in 15 years. I went to a launch party for the Zune

41

49

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

1 year

I just had covid but I’m wearing a mask on my flight in the hopes that a human slug sits next to me and offers me $100k to take it off!

37

49

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

I was depressed when I made this video. Thanks to everyone for sharing it and making me feel not alone! I've tried many times and even made it to step 3d once. My last idea stalled at 1b. Make your own stuff while also trying to impress Bryce. Don't give up!

62

122

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

5 years

For those asking my dad hates squirrels more than almost anything. Years ago they tore up all the carpeting on his bass boat and chewed through the wires on his car “TWICE!”. Now they steal the bird feeder food and threaten the upholstery on his deck furniture... he is at war

100

52

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

This is what centering yourself in the conversation literally looks like

43

389

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

2 years

I never knew this one little secret to social media!

50

552

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

Bad Art Friend has me thinking about how I used to worry a lot about my peers mocking me behind my back. Then one time I accidentally saw a text exchange where exactly that was happening, and though it hurt, it was a gift. Okay, so they ARE mocking you. Now what? It freed me.

25

70

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

3 years

I know it’s prob not in the cards for me to play a troubled lead detective in a crime series but could I at LEAST play the person they ask to check the security footage and I reply, “On it.” And then they lean over my shoulder and say “Wait. Go back.” Is that too much to ask?

65

68

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

There are conservatives thriving in Hollywood and running shit, making a fuck ton of money. Try negotiating a deal for your union with the studios, then come back and tell me conservatives don't have a pretty tight grip on this industry. LOL. Shut the fuck up.

9

326

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

1 year

This is the first time I've been looking for housing on the open rental market since 2014 and it's noticeably different... 3rd party companies involved, application fees, zillow's application thingy... I'm overwhelmed and filled with dread

10

77

3K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

These big public firings over racist tweets send men who have not worked in Hollywood a day in their lives writing long essays about the way Hollywood works. The stories I could tell you would blow your mind. The reasons why people don't get jobs are petty beyond belief.

6

266

2K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

and that one life could be their *own* life? NO lives matter? AND they're pro-life? my skull hurts

24

166

2K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

7 years

talk show host tearfully explains how his newborn's surgery made him feel empathy for those less privileged. but yes this take is correct

99

545

2K

Sara Schaefer

@saraschaefer1

4 years

Podcasting is the future. Rebellious. From the ground up. Fuck big biz. I'm indie. Please sign up for my patreon, follow me on twitter and instagram, tik tok and clubhouse. Download on spotify. Also available on apple. Subscribe on youtube. Brooklinen sheets are incredibly soft

32

168

2K