Robert Wilkinson @robertwlk Twitter profile

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

9 days

It's here. joke book number 4 On kindle and paperback

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 months

Apparently, when Gareth passed his resignation to the FA, they passed it back, he then passed it sideways to Bellingham, who fed Kane, who then passed it to the keeper.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

I know it's a long shot but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 months

The year 2028. Overseas friend, "what's it like living under a Labour government?" Me, " I can't complain."

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

Nothing worse when you're trying to send a text and a cyclist bounces off your windscreen.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 months

Cashier, " That's £25.25." Me, " If man is still alive, if woman can survive.." Blank looks.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

Can I ask, Is the correct term 'for fuck's sake or for fuck sake?' It's for a work email so I want it to look professional.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

No queues, delays or wars at Dover today I'm afraid. My heart goes out to BBC and Sky News at this difficult time.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

This is going to be the first time we won't be going to Hawaii for Christmas because of Covid. We usually don't go because we can't afford it.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

My wife is in A&E after being stung on the forehead by a wasp. Her face is all swollen and bruised but thankfully I got the wasp with my shovel.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

Bloody hell. Poisoned myself and in hospital. Accidentally ate a daffodil bulb instead of an onion. I'm OK, doctors say I'll be out in the spring

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

Wife: "Did I put on weight during lockdown?" Husband:"You were never really skinny." Time of death 10:45 Cause : Covid-19

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

My wife said sex is better on holiday. Not the best postcard to receive.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

Foreign aid: where poor people in rich countries give their money to rich people in poor countries.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

So bored that I've just telephoned someone in India and asked if they've been in an accident.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

Congratulations to my wife who reached another culinary milestone by setting off my neighbour's smoke alarm

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of Worcestershire sauce?

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

11 months

I have passed your compliments to my daughter for the cake. This is what she made for my 65th.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

Went for a run this morning and had to turn back after 2 minutes because I had forgotten something. Forgot I was a fat bastard who can't run for 2 minutes

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink. I'm in A&E, waiting to be seen.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

My friend has just been struck off for having 'sexual relations with a patient'. Lost his job and everything. He studied for 7 years at university and it seems a bit harsh to lose everything over a relationship. He's a really nice guy and a bloody good vet.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

I hate it when people mix up there, their and they're. From now on, I'm going to point it out weather they like it or not.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

If it wasn't for all the illegals, the UK hotel industry would have collapsed. Now is time to likewise support the airlines by flying them back

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

I just sold my homing pigeon on Ebay for the 23rd time

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

I'm getting good at this cancel culture thing. So far I have cancelled, Sky, F1, BBC, Ben & Jerry's, National Trust .

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

Apparently S Korean police shoot rioters with purple dye and spend the next week rounding them up and arresting them. Sounds like a plan.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

My Chinese flatmate asked :"Have you seen my cocaine?" Me :"Yes, he was brilliant in The Italian Job."

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

A man who trained his dog to play the trumpet on the London underground says he went from Barking to Tooting in just under an hour.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 months

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

Not one to brag about the expensive places I've visited; but I've just got back from the vets.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

To whoever stole my trainers and hi viz jacket: you can run but you can't hide.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

I want a tiny cow like that.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

46th Wedding anniversary today. I had my hair cut short for the day, lol.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

Was a bit bored, so I swapped all the sweets into different wrappers in a tub of Celebrations. Wife is not amused,, she has her snickers in a Twix.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

10 months

I remember the good old days, when getting under the blankets and fiddling with the knob of a trannie meant something quite different.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

9 months

Just got a date with a woman who identifies as a wheelie bin. I'm not sure if I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

My aviary roof leaks when it rains. It's getting on my tits.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

Getting fed up with people complaining about prices. £2 for a coffee, £3 for a slice of cake, £5 for parking. I'm going to stop inviting them around.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

Putin arriving at airport passport check. Guard: "Occupation?" Putin: "No, Just visiting. "

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

11 months

Fabulous birthday cake made by my daughter.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

1 year

The Prime minister wants everyone to learn maths until they're 18. I finished studying maths at 16. What difference would the extra three years have made?

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

6 months

Lots of F1 drivers are named after Scottish places. Stirling Moss Louis Hamilton Ayr Town centre.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

Got a letter from Swartz Spices saying that I owe them £100. If I don't pay by Friday they are sending the bay leafs round

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

An old dear in front of me at the checkout was £4.60 short for her shopping, so I did the decent thing and put the stuff she couldn't afford back on the shelves. Well, it's Christmas innit?

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

Going to give dry January a go.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

Switched off the news and watched a serial killer documentary to relax.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

I've started a business selling exploding prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

Snowbound, so I popped next door to see if my 79 year old neighbour needed anything from the shop. She said she did so I gave her my list. No point in both of us going out in this weather.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

I married my wife because she said she was a millionaire. Turns out she makes hats.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

We must all do our bit for the planet. I've just unplugged a row of electric cars that no one was using.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

I hear that Dentists are going on strike. Brace yourselves.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

1 year

I asked my German friend if he knew what the square root of 81 was. Apparently, he doesn't know.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect. And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

So, I announce I'm deleting my account and I get 100 new followers. Eh?

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

1 year

Been reported to Twitter but not guilty. If you reported me: get a f*cking life.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

My wife left me and took with her the satellite dish and my Bob Marley record collection. No woman, no Sky.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

Scientists say that it may be possible to live on Mars. I tried it for a month and put on two stones and now I'm diabetic.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

Today's maths puzzle. If Henry is 75 and his girlfriend is 21, how much money does Henry have?

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

Bought my wife a pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

2 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me. All three said no.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

Age 18, sneak out of the house to go to a party. Age 38, sneak out of a party to go home

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

When the doctor said there was a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

Afternoon campers. Just had a shit few weeks; 3 hospital visits and a blood clot in my leg. Currently injecting myself in the stomach every day to get rid of it/them. The joys. Enjoy the bank holiday everyone. xx

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

What a week! Avril had op Monday, blood clot in neck called for a 2nd op Monday night. Critical care on Tuesday. Wednesday, collapsed, no pulse. Defibrillator to revive her. Friday, home! All good now. Knackered!

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

My wife and I have taken up woodworking. My neighbour asked if we were carpenters. I said "we've only just begun. "

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

You don't see many kids called Lance these days but in medieval times, they were called Lance a lot

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

I tried running a taxi business but I found that I was driving customers away.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

A woman has fainted on the London Eye. Paramedics say she is slowly coming round.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

Flat earth society is reporting that social distancing measures are pushing some of its members over the edge

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

1 year

Fairy tales used to begin with "Once upon a time..." Now, they begin with, "According to experts..."

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

Lord Nelson was only five feet tall. His statue in Trafalgar square is fifteen feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

Prats letting fireworks off. It's way too early- freaked my cat out so much, she ran up the Christmas tree.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

I've been found guilty of not using full stops. The judge says that I can expect a long sentence.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

A woman with large breasts got on the bus and said: "Are you going to Oldham?" And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band. I quit because it was just one ting after another.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

So, only 6 allowed for Christmas lunch but 30 for a funeral. I'll be having a funeral for my beloved turkey who is being cremated on 25th December.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

Went to see a faith healer last night. He was rubbish. Even the guy in the wheelchair got up and walked out.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

If anyone is spending Christmas alone this year, please let me know. I need to borrow some chairs

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

Just remember that in about 30 years time, the country will be governed by home-schooled kids, taught by alcoholics.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying; 'It isn't working. I'm going back to my mums' I opened it, the light was on, the beer was cold; what is she on about?

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

Did you use to knock on doors and then run away when you were a kid? Good news, Hermes are hiring.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

I saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman today wearing a cat flap.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

Say what you want about Australia and tennis, but they certainly know how to return a serb

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

I fought off an attempted robbery at my shop by using a labelling gun. Police are looking for a man with a price on his head.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

International Woman's Day today. Should have been yesterday but they weren't ready.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

4 years

Rubbish day yesterday. First my ex got hit by a bus and then I lost my job as a bus driver

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

So cold this morning, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

I've applied for a job at the Citroen factory. I had to send in 2CVs

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

5 months

@SandyofSuffolk I always like the couples in their mid twenties and a budget of 800k. Wtf?

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

13 weeks until Pancake Day and already the shops are selling flour and eggs!

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

What's the hardest part about being a vegan? Keeping it to yourself

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

2 years

Just to clarify, it isn't that I've been trolled , I just read the feed and shake my head. I stopped watching the news for the same reason. Thank you for the well wishes but I'm fine. 😘😘😘😘

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

3 years

Warning! If you get sent a link to listen to the Ed Sheeran/Elton John Christmas song: DO NOT OPEN IT! It's a link to listen to the Ed Sheeran/Elton John Christmas song.

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Robert Wilkinson

@robertwlk

5 months