I've been meaning to do this for a while - here's all the projects I've done/lead over the past couple of years that might have gotten lost recently. please check them out!
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
my 2 month old: i cant sleep daddy i’m afraid of frankenstein
me: haha dont you mean frankenstein’s monster
my 3 month old: i do not. personally i find unethical and irresponsible scientific practice far more terrifying than any physical being and so should you
i just got a youtube ad for a testosterone supplement and no joke it was like 15 guys giving testimonials about 'how big their loads are now'. all of them used the word load over and over again. I can't find the video in non ad form or I'd share it. please believe me
i like that twitter uses a quill for the tweet creation button, evoking the imagery of great shakespearean works which immeasurably shaped the written word with their beauty. i click on that button and write ‘dick on sad mode’
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Mocking Funko Pops is not only a form of elitism but it's inherently classist given the accessibility of (gets a brief glimpse of a funko pop) Oh jesus Christ. uhh. as I was saying the bourgeois... why are it's eyes like that... uh the uh... the affordability... jesus christ
just overheard 2 guys talking about superheroes and one said: “i’d be spider-man because i’d have a mask and i could do whatever the fuck i want”
buddy that’s not spider-man that’s just a mask. you can go buy a mask
my nephew opens a door in my mansion labelled ‘tweet drafts” and i run to block his view but it’s too late. he’s seen the room and all it has is a chalkboard with ‘jon bon voyage’ written on it for when bon jovi dies
here’s my impression of a verified twitter account telling a very simple anecdote:
So now i’m in the bathroom. The leaf is still in my pocket. I repeat - the leaf is still in my pocket at this point. And where am I? THE BATHROOM. (26/65)
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
i realise my child’s age is confusing but this conversation happened at midnight (any parents will understand!) and my child became a 3 month old as i was speaking. i didn’t want to make any part of the story untrue because i owe it to all of you to be honest
it’s hilarious how jk rowling spent the past few years trying to retrofit harry potter with lgbt and non white characters and then gets the opportunity to write another story with fantastic beasts and just makes all the main characters straight white people again
some nerd: not if you know how to pick fruit correctly 🤓
me: bravo sir. while you are busy running your various tests on a mango ill be elsewhere experiencing Joy
they say there is no after credits scene for avengers endgame but there is! and it’s a fully interactive experience! wait till the lights go up and sit there a while, a new character called ‘the manager’ will appear and make you leave! i don’t know if i’m still in the movie now
before you reply to my silly funny haha joke with either ‘doritos have different amounts of flavour on them’ or ‘buy organic fruit’ please consider that i have already been repeatedly told both of these things for the past 9 hours and they’re both wrong. thanks
every american movie is called 'speeding bullet' and its about an alcoholic misogynist killing three hundred foreigners to save an annoying little girl
twitter: hey you know that tweet that guy made 16 hours ago that you didn’t really like? here it is again also here are a bunch of tweets your friends liked but didn’t retweet because they didn’t want to share them with you but now we’re sharing them with you anyway
me: thank you
@GraceSpelman
my family made our own cards against humanity last christmas and i told my grandma to ‘write something offensive’. halfway through the game i found myself unable to breathe after turning over a card in her handwriting which read ‘rot in hell you cunt’
we shouldn’t know about those fish that live in the really dark parts of the ocean. sorry but that’s none of our business and we should not know about it
me: hello
wife: hello
me: i love you
wife: sorry but i love my husband
i said wife... didn’t say it was MY wife. follow for more interesting tweets that make you think 🤔
every french movie is called 'the fool who loved' and its about a perverted husband who kills himself because he finds out his wife is even more perverted than he is
every japanese movie is called 'a fish cannot live in tears' and its about a woman who murders a deer and then feels so guilty she becomes the deer and lives in the forest
every german movie is called ‘the berlin incident’ and it’s about a historical event nobody has ever heard of and it stars 12 guys who look nearly identical
every chinese movie is called 'legend of the warrior' and its about a man who betrays the people he's meant to be betraying some other people for but ends up getting betrayed by the people who he was betraying his betrayers for
[sees a bee on my wife’s arm]
babe...stay still...
[using newspaper as a megaphone]
AFTER INVESTIGATING YOUR APPEAL, WE HAVE DETERMINED THAT YOUR ACCOUNT POSTED CONTENT THAT WAS THREATENING AND/OR PROMOTING VIOLENCE IN VIOLATION OF THE TWITTER TERMS OF SERVICE
every danish movie is called 'the dinner' and its about a family reunion where it is revealed that every single member of the family is secretly in love with each other and it ends with the patriarch having a heart attack after eating too much fish paste
marvel: 'infinity war is the most ambitious crossover event in history'
me: [a photo of gumby]
follower: that’s not how the meme works actu-
me: Shut The Fuck Up
me: i have a perfect part for you
daniel day lewis: sorry but i have retired from acting permanently
me: damn, guess i’ll have to find someone else to play “guy who gets to see some boobs”...
daniel day lewis: well hold on just a second
us: fix the reporting system
twitter: no more likes
us: fix the reporting system
twitter: retweets now cost $6 and are called ‘blimpos’
us: just fi-
twitter: sorry twitter is now available only on the Nintendo Gamecube
guys please stop making fun of jeffrey toobin ok. he just facetimed me crying and i had to comfort him. i know it’s easy to... oh no... oh no what’s he doing now? jeffrey no! jeffrey no!!!!
this is by no means celine dions best life. i have seen through countless realities and there is a world in which celine rules the entire western hemisphere with an iron fist from a throne of pure emeralds. dumbass
i wish muppets were a real thing. like some people were just muppets. there would be one guy at your office who was a muppet. one of your neighbours would be a muppet
@KrangTNelson
I wonder what it says about the whole culture of these things when these guys are constantly falling for scams. just kidding I know what it says