While weβre aware of some fishy rumors surrounding our team name, please rest assured weβre doing our due diligence by scouring the depths of the ocean, the tallest mountains, and the densest parts of the forest to find the right name for our great, green city.
I want to say "Hail Satan" but I don't like hail as a verb. I'm trying out some different expressions:
-"Yay Satan"
-"Less Hatin' More Satan"
-"Go Satan, it's his birthday"
-"3 cheers to Satan"
-"Hashtag Satan, blaze it"
Thoughts?
No. No. C'mon what's next? Air is a flavor? The inside of your mouth is a flavor? Thinking about your dad is a flavor?
There are 5 flavors; sugar, dirt, creamy, stinging, and black licorice.
My grandpa could predict the rain based on his knee swelling.
Once we were sitting on the porch and his knee swelled up. "Storm's a coming" he said, his knee inflating like a hot air balloon. "Real big storm" he said, floating knee-first into the sky, never to be seen again.
Founded in 2015, Den Tapes releases emerging and unique artists from the Northwest on cassette. Groups like
@actionesse
and
@wildpowwers
have been paving the way for future Seattle bands.
My coworker has been listening to lots of early 2000's alt rock.
"Is this Hoobastank?" I ask for the 5th song in a row. For the 5th time he tells it's not. But I knew it wasn't Hoobastank. I am in fact pranking him. I'm a pranker.
Whenever I get gas in Oregon, as soon as the attendant picks up the nozzle I always think to myself "yeah stick that in my gas hole and give it a squirt" and even after years of therapy I can't stop.
Can we at least laugh a little at the people who decry masks as government control and tyranny while simultaneously ignoring or opposing protests against state sanctioned violence, I mean maybe I'm high on salvia but c'mon now
6. Most people summon demons by drawing pentagram on the floor.
Instead, do it in your toilet. Then if the demon starts sucking your soul out your butt or something flush that dingus back to Jupiter (I don't actually remember where demons come from).
Calling someone a silly goose should mean they're silly AND terrifying because that's what gooses fucking are. They're scary little freaks. Whoever named them goosebumps knew what was up.
Billions of people use the toilet everyday.
Sadly, few will unlock its full potential.
Here's are 7 ways everyone can utilize to make the toilet so much better:
Hear me out: we call orange juice "OJ", so we should call apple juice "AJ", grapefruit juice "GJ", and blueberry juice should probably stay the same now that I think about it
"Why don't you feel comfortable talking about sex?"
Me, early twenties: Insecurity arising from internalized perception of sexual experience as a determinant of self-worth
Me, late Twenties: I don't want to lose at "never have I ever"
Hey all you lovely voting people, friendly psa tfor those of you planning on dropping off a ballot: DO NOT lift up a manhole and throw it in, this is actually NOT a valid way to get your vote counted.
Hope this was helpful!
Me, to coworker: Working hard or getting hard while you're working?
Coworker: ....wait what?
Me: I SAID DO YOU HAVE AN ERECTION AT WORK, GREG!?
#WorkBloopers
This from another painting. Apparently he is wearing the wig of an actual British royal navy officer who had commissioned the painting. Why? No idea, but I love it.
Alright just for the record we all kept putting things on the record without introducing any kind of categorization system and now no one can navigate the record so we should probably just bury the record in the Nevada dessert
We, the band whom is Porn Bloopers, are playing in Georgetown tomorrow as part of the Dead Baby Downhill bike ride.
We play at 7 somewhere (maybe on Airport Way?) maybe in an alley. I don't even know! This gig sounds like it'll be a wild dumpster fire. Just the way we like it.
Some people say people don't change but 5-10 years ago I was all about ketchup and thought mustard could gtfo but now I love mustard and think ketchup tastes like gross tomato pudding so explain that one
2. Most people either wipe front-to-back or back-to-front. But the best way to wipe is both side-to-side AND up-to-down.
I canβt explain how it works over twitter, so DM me and Iβll send you some videos (NSFW).
3. Next time you have a party put a bunch of dry ice in the toilet tank reservoir. The fog coming from your toilet will add a fun, spooky element.
Added bonus: potential porcelain explosion at any moment β how exciting!
7. Flush yourself to the secret room.
Grease* up your naked feet, stick them into the toilet bowl and start flushing. You should be sucked β water-slide style β into the secret room hidden in every house.
(*only works with goose grease, not sure why)
A friend of mine just started a frog-themed music review website. Check out my review of the new Front Bottoms album if for some strange reason you want my opinion on music.
Who wants to start a band that covers My Chemical Romance songs in the style of Creedence Clearwater Revival?
We can call ourselves My Chemical Creedence Clearwater Romance (or MCCCR for short).
Oh shit butts! New demo track about dinosaurs.
This is our first but hopefully not last attempt at releasing music made without being physically together.
Made pasta with fresh parsley and olive oil tonight, but I didn't actually have pasta so I used potato chips. And I didn't have parsley so I used grass clippings. And I didn't have olive oil so I used baby oil.
Anyway I'm typing this from the toilet.
Maybe the Journey song was meant to be Don't *comma* Stop Believin' and the message of the song was basically: Just don't. Stop believing. Hold on to that feeling (of giving up).
1. Sit on the toilet backwards and use the top of the tank as a table. Use it do some journaling or eat a nice bowl of
@ChefBoyardee
ravioli or something.
Some hot sauces will have normal titles like "Mild" and "Hot" but then you reach a certain point they call them like "Radioactive Super Murder Volcano Fuck You Sauce"
Whenever I hear term "crapshoot" I picture someone skeet shooting poop. Just fat dookies hurling across the sky, getting blasted into dust clouds by a high powered rifle.
QUICK REMINDER we are a band and we are playing a GIG at CONOR BYRNE in Ballard tomorrow at 9pm with the great
@saltliick
and Forest Ray. come bloop with us
Oh boy howdy we are playing music at Add-a-Ball tomorrow with our friends Rat Queen and Choke the Pope!
It's also Willy's birthday show, so come on down/up/whichever direction you're coming from and tell Willy if he were a giraffee he'd be a old ass giraffe.
Music from 7-10.
We do indeed say fuck SEO.
We also don't care for CEOs, the CIA, CBS, and CVD.
We do like CERN, CDs, CSAs, and CPR.
We are currently undecided on CRISPR.
@andrewbaums
Possibly including an absurdly long scene of the Balrog and their family members interacting via growls with no subtitles like the first 10 minutes of the Star Wars Christmas special
After almost no consideration, Porn Bloopers has decided to run for president in 2020. Here's part 1 of our platform:
βFind Sasquatch (& make it first lady)
βChange National bird to a Dodo
βKeep ICE, but now they only give out free ice cream
βMandatory sexy education in school
βReduce cum inequality
βAdd 8th day of week called Blooperday
βSubsidize farms raising crickets for food
βLegalize all drugs except Tylenol
We know a band running for president might be considered "strange" or "unconstitutional" but we don't give a fuck
#imwithherpes
#yeswecum
Person: Are you ready?
Me: I was born ready! And then my public school education conditioned me into excessive self-doubt and I was no longer ready. But I eventually become ready again, thanks to the support of many wonderful people as well as learning to trust myself by...
Andrew does not represent the the band Porn Bloopers on this matter.
As long I have control of the band twitter our position is, officially, RYE CHIPS ARE ALRIGHT BORDERING ON GOOD
4. There are a lot of good pranks using toilets.
Here's my favorite: fill the bowl with 23 thousand spiders and close the lid. Then when someone goes to use the toilet a wriggling cloud of spiders will storm out, scaring them silly.
Hey friends/lovers/enemies/people from Portugal/orange cats! We have a new album out called Send Noodz!
Check it out, maybe let us know if you like it (or even if you dislike itβI probably won't cry this time).
Me: Time to to write a serious song for once
*30 minutes later*
βͺ Pack of Velociraptors and a T-Rex
In the jungle having sex
Joining now is a Pterodactyl
His dick is long and retractable
Dinosaur orgy!
Dinosaur orgy!
The polls are over and here's the story you voted on:
"Dan is riding a crocodile while in France and trying to get away from a bunch of giant Gary Buseys whose faces are covered in teeth. Meanwhile Kerkira is in a UFO for some reason"
Now let's see how that looks as a poster:
Our actual music memoir: "we didn't know how to play music. some guy in a bathroom just said we should start a band. also that guy was the manager for grumpy cat"
Re-reading Fight Club and realizing the most unbelievable part is NOT that a bunch of proud boy types would commit acts of terrorism but rather that someone goes to the doctor for insomnia and DOESN'T immediately get a script for 8000 Ambien
If you're reading this I invite you to slip the phrase "flobbing my dong" into casual conversation at some point in the next week. If pressed act like it's a normal thing to say.
Tell me how it goes!
@andrewbaums
I read the senior author's book last year and let me tell you I think this is some of the coolest shit happening in biology right now, fuck dude I wish we could jam and chat about it
I guess spider-man got bit by a radioactive cancelled
look I made a joke about the thing everyone is talking about I feel so relevant DO YOU LOVE ME NOW DADDY??
Just a reminder that Craigslist is amazing. These are things I could actually buy right now:
-Life size Elvis figurine
-Platform that vibrates (for...exercise?)
-Baby dwarf goat
-An "uncommon thunderegg" (sounds cool but it's just a rock)
V-day is Thursday, so here are Porn-Bloopers approved aphrodisiacs to get you in the mood to be lewd:
-Cream Cheese
-Bull Testicles
-Pepto-Bismolβ’
-Red M&Ms (blue ones make you attracted to your dad)
-Raccoon Feet
-Nickels from 1979
-Meat Loaf (the Musician
@RealMeatLoaf
)
Hey
@ChefBoyardee
you should make a ravioli shaped like R2D2 and change the label to say Chef Boyar(2)dee(2).
I have many other great ideas just like this one. Make me the Chief Noodle Officer of the company and you can have them for free.
I misread "LL bean" as "LiL bean" every single time and it makes me giggle
Also I sat here for 5 minutes trying whether to bother posting this dumb tweet but whatever here ya go friends
Walmart was actually founded as place to experiment on unwitting members of the public under the CIA's MKUltra program.
@Walmart
never stopped this testing. To this day, all stores are aerosolizing several psychoactive drugs into the air at any given time.