Periwinkle Jones @peachesanscream Twitter profile

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Periwinkle Jones

12 years

New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can't keep him :( He's ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

2 years

There’s sibling rivalry, then there’s my 4-year-old daughter faking a phone call from her one-year-old brother’s nursery to tell us that we don’t have to collect him today because he’s going to live there now and he ‘won’t even miss us’

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

11 years

You've seen nothing until you've seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: http://t.co/gfkUGVcb3p

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

10 years

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

10 years

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

Whoa, we're halfway there… Whoa-oh…

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

2 years

The weirdest thing about the Queen dying is this grey area we’re all living in where no one owns the swans. I’ve been eating like three a day. 🦢

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

9 months

Took the remote control on a school residential trip to France when my parents pissed me off when I was 14

The Annasthesiologist

@fuzzymittens

9 months

What's the pettiest thing you have ever done? I'll start. Friend of a friend would bring a specific snack to every event/gathering/whatever. She would make a MASSIVE deal about how this was her SIGNATURE recipe & she would NEVER share it, regardless of whether anyone asked. 1/

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

10 years

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

10 years

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

When you accidentally drunk buy an elephant on eBay and have to read the instructions before you can use it…

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

7 years

My fave ever joke in honour of #YorkshireDay Yorkshire man takes his cat to be neutered… Vet: 'Is it a tom?' Man: 'Nor, it's in t'basket'

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

5 years

When you see your ex all dressed up but you know that he’s still a prick underneath

Whores of Yore

@WhoresofYore

5 years

Gallo-Roman bronze statuette of Priapus, discovered in Picardy, Northern France (1st century CE)

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

1 year

Looking at Airbnbs - Airbnb: £125 a night Is a shed in a garden No Wi-Fi, internet or TV Can’t guarantee their dogs won’t go in your room CAN guarantee that dogs will bark at you for being in ‘their’ garden (stated on listing) Contains spiders Hotel: £88 with x4 breakfasts

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

10 years

Headline of the year: http://t.co/Zjs4Gk3rXE

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

5 years

Guy who invented Toblerone: It's like a chocolate bar, but it hurts your hands AND your mouth before you can eat it. And we sell it at airports.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

9 years

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

5 years

Question of the day: what's the most baffling insult you've ever received? Mine = I was asked by a teenage stranger at the train station why I was dressed like a time traveller.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

On the bright side, at least we're only 4 years away from President Lisa Simpson… #Inauguration

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

6 years

If I was the coffee shop owner I'd go bankrupt serving this good boy every day

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

5 years

Please don't ask me what I'm doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you're going to invite me to something that I'm going to have to make up a lie to get out of

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

10 years

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

5 years

I’m going to tell my future kids that this was the Kray twins

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

2 years

Went to view a house and the nice estate agent said to my 5-year-old "so how old are you then?". "Four," she replied. "Actually, she's five," I told him, only for a furious child to shout: "MUMMY, YOU SAID LAST WEEK AT THE RESTAURANT THAT IF ANYONE ASKS I'M FOUR."

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

9 months

If you collected these as a kid, how’s your lower back doing nowadays?

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

The weirdest thing about Johnny Depp's Australia apology video was that it didn't also star Helena Bonham Carter.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

9 years

You can all go home now - this little guy has won #WorldBookDay

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

9 years

I will never stop loving this photo:

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

2 years

I’ve muted this because of all the neckbeards telling me it didn’t happen 🤣. You obviously don’t have experience with kids. It wasn’t a sophisticated ruse by any means 🤣🤣

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

7 years

Reasons why I'm excited about the Royal Wedding:

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

4 years

When your toddler dresses themselves but you just allow it because you want to get out of the house

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

5 years

Took my two year old to walk around a graveyard (it’s the goth version of going to the park) Me: “what’s the matter?” Toddler: “sad” Me: “who’s sad?” Toddler, pointing to a random grave: “the baby’s sad, because it’s cold” We left & went to the swings

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

5 years

Question of the week: is there a stranger that you ever think about or won’t forget ? Be it for good, bad or funny reasons?

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

11 years

I wonder if the inventor of tupperware spends 20 minutes each morning trying to find a top that matches his bottoms.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

This guy saw a stranger had accidentally left their car door open. What he did next will warm your heart #GoodDeed

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

6 years

I've started stockpiling in preparation of Brexit shortages. Already have a Polish painter and decorator, Spanish doctor and a Ukrainian dentist locked in my shed.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

7 years

Imagine masculinity so fragile that you can't buy bedsheets

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

10 years

Just worked out how much Will Smith's cab from West Philadelphia to Bel Air would have cost: 41 hours & $6k+ http://t.co/cz5upTgqeG

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

2 years

@JeanetteHall9 We’ve had similar. She said we couldn’t return him to the hospital because he’d be scared but she gave me a list of people who might adopt him 🤣

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

Happy #StAndrewsDay to Scottish Twitter:

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

Unless they are operated by your genitals, there's probably no need for this 'girls only' tool range @Poundland …

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

2 years

The awkward moment when you spend £200,000 on furniture but your cabinet still falls apart

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

Douglas Adams' grave has bouquets of pens & is often strewn with tiny gifts: #TowelDay

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

Not sure I like Enid Blyton's newer, edgier stuff…

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

10 years

Just realised that plastic dinosaurs are made from recycled real-life dinosaurs

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

9 years

Why are cats? #WeirdThingsICantUnderstand

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

NEWSFLASH! Bees can't read - if anything there was more bees in here than anywhere else.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

So, centaurs - how do they wipe their bums? Their arms wouldn't reach round that far. Interviewer: I meant any questions about the job role

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

11 years

A little joke for you this morning… http://t.co/aLF4MfHYQy

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

Me: I don't mind. You decide. Narrator: but she did mind - for it was all a trap.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

10 years

Most unrealistic thing about Superman = how easy it was for Clark Kent to get a job at a newspaper without 6 yrs of unpaid work experience.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

6 years

Think drinking coffee is harmless? Think again. This is the brain of someone who drank three large coffees every day and died from a caffeine overdose. Be safe pls people

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

10 years

Did you know that George RR Martin added those extra Rs into his name to make himself look cooler? His real name is Geoge Matin.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

Words are beautiful…

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

9 years

Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy. The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

12 years

Ever thought the reason why your cat goes crazy for a laser pointer dot is because he's been sent from the future to save you from snipers?

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

4 years

I remember when Twitter used to be fun and all this was fields

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

4 years

Meanwhile, on Facebook

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

5 years

Bought some chicken wire to bird-proof our coop yesterday. It's impeccable.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

7 years

Suggested new name for the UK

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

11 years

Owls with cat heads - the internet just keeps on giving… http://t.co/o3tBBIKrn6

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

5 years

Not to keep answering my own question here, but I was wearing a leopard print shirt yesterday, and a man in a leopard print coat and his friends all chanted 'leopard leopard' at me from across the road

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

9 years

#PeopleWhoMadeMyYear2015 Whoever came up with this headline:

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

When your husband makes dinner

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

5 years

Ways in which nightclubs prepared me for motherhood: We always go to the toilet in pairs The floor is sticky I'm scared that I've sat in someone's bodily fluids, again Someone is crying over something mad There's repetitive music I've got a headache Someone's thrown up

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

Just treated myself to a new slow cooker:

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

2 years

For those that worried that she’s neglected 🤣: I have her by herself on a Mon (& baby by himself on a Fri) & we spend time going to cafes or building intricate small worlds that Todzilla would otherwise destroy. The ‘phone call’ was because she didn’t want to tidy up her farm 🤣

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

10 years

I think it's fine to fake an orgasm to get him to finish things up a bit quicker. However, my gynaecologist finds it 'inappropriate'.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

9 years

I'm giving up sexual innuendo for Lent. It's so hard.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

When even your shampoo won't shut up about Theresa May

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

10 years

Today I explained to a grown man why a 12-pack of tampons is not 'a year's supply' if you're wondering if schools need better Sex Education.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

@themaccabees We danced to Toothpaste Kisses as our first dance when we got married this year. Thanks for the memories x

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

12 years

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

4 years

Heard rumours that mothers are particularly at risk of coronavirus and it's recommended that they self-isolate for at least 90 minutes today, preferably in a hot, cleansing bath, or at least away from husbands and children, and douse their mouths and insides with alcohol.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

11 years

There's lonely then there's Nicolas Cage lonely: http://t.co/7rOmrn7m5k

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

9 years

Kitten found under bonnet of car having journeyed from Cornwall to Staines-Upon-Thames. Please RT to find owner: http://t.co/ClC9qjxFZJ

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

10 years

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton are said to be in crisis talks over who gets custody of Johnny Depp.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

12 years

The Pope has proved his credentials as a good Catholic - by pulling out before finishing the job.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

2 years

We then went to a friends' child's birthday party afterwards and she was wandering round the house, looking at the ceiling and muttering things like 'ah yes - original features.'

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

10 years

When you want to go home but your parents won't stop talking to their stupid friend: http://t.co/zPnvRwZxx9

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

7 years

When your mate wants to have 'one last look' at the menu, but you already know what you want to order:

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

9 years

If you think no one would miss you… #WorldSuicidePreventionDay http://t.co/3sI7iR4X2Y

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

2 years

Settle an argument please: Is this a thing? People having food in their house from about november that no-one is allowed to eat because 'it's for christmas'?

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

9 years

Facebook is down. Guess I'm just going to have to phone up everyone from school and ask them their quasi-racist political opinions.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

5 years

Twitter, what's the best thing that you've ever seen but no one believes you? Mine = a guy at @FrancoMancaPizz took his false teeth out to eat pizza (I don't know why), dropped them on the floor, AND HIS DOG PICKED THEM UP WITH IT'S MOUTH AND GRINNED WEARING THEM.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

6 years

De ja brew - when you go to make a cup of tea, and find a cold cuppa you'd made before and forgot to drink.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

When he flips it over…

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

6 years

A ghost story for Halloween 2015: Moved house. Saw a 'ghost cat' sitting on stairs. Didn't tell husband. 2016: Husband told me about the 'cat' he kept seeing on the stairs. 2018: Our baby's first word was 'cat'. She says it as she points to a nothing, sitting on the stairs…

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

Breaking news: magical pieces of paper make students float!

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

8 years

Wooden spoons are great. You can use them to cook or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

9 years

Doctor: "You have a blockage in your small & large intestine" Barista: … Barista: … Doctor: *Sigh* "Ok, Tall & Venti intestine."

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

6 years

My baby will say "bye bye", open the door and motion people out when she's bored of them, and I wish I had the guts to be that brutal

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

11 years

Japanese 7-Eleven store has been forced to put up WANTED posters after a cat repeatedly shoplifted from their store http://t.co/w3RtIKncvh

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

5 years

Been thinking about shitty people I've dated. The worst = the white guy from Bury St Edmunds who modelled himself on P.Diddy & wrote a rap when he thought that I'd cheated on him (I didn't). And gave me a framed topless photo of himself for Christmas. Who is your dodgiest ex?

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Periwinkle Jones

@peachesanscream

12 years

RT when you understand what the Lego blocks mean… http://t.co/U2i4fb0r