Paul Lander @paul_lander Twitter profile

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Paul Lander

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Extra! Extra! Latest Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/24/24 - Paul Lander - @HumorTimes

Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of headlines, like: "Benifer watch: Jennifer Lopez seen vacationing without Ben Affleck" - And no one’s seen Pete Davidson. Hmm…

www.humortimes.com

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Paul Lander

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2 years

Colin Kaepernick has been signed as a free agent by the Raiders. No, Roy Moore you still need to stay the fuck outa Malls!

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7 years

Charlottesville white supremacists 'terrified' of being exposed online, losing their jobs There should be a site for this called Tikileaks

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2 years

Donald Trump’s ‘Truth Social’ is $6MM in the red It’s like a Trump casino, only without the buffet.

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7 years

#SeanSpicerAFilm The Kids are Alt Right

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3 years

#TedCruzIsTheTypeOfGuyWho Even looks creepy next to Lindsay Graham.

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3 years

Jimmy Kimmel says unvaccinated Americans don't deserve ICU beds … but they could use some sugar cubes and carrots and Hay.

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3 years

#ThingsImGonnaMissAboutTrump Never getting those DNA tests to see who’s Eric’s biological dad.

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4 years

Biden’s been endorsed by 81 Nobel Prize winners, Trump can’t spell ‘Noble.’

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3 years

#TrumpSeriesFinale Muary Povich finally opens the envelope and says: ‘Gary Busey, You are the Father!’

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3 years

#TrumpSeriesFinale Michelle Obama’s working on Melania’s goodbyes as we speak.

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2 years

Handmaid’s Tale moved from Emmy drama to documentary category.

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2 years

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Are Officially in the UK and Have Reportedly Been Given Police Protection … wouldn’t it be easier to just lock up Piers Morgan.

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Paul Lander

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5 years

For those keeping score: Real Estate Code Violations in Baltimore. Jared Kushner: 170 - Al Sharpton - 0.

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Paul Lander

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4 years

#ThankYouPresidentTrump For putting Ivanka in charge of CoronaVirus cure.

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6 years

The Kids are Alt Right #TrumpMovieSequels

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7 years

The Princess and the Peabrains. #DonJrChildrensBooks

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Paul Lander

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4 years

#TrumpsTheKingOf Bankruptcy court

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Paul Lander

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8 years

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes, I'm the pussy he grabbed.

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Paul Lander

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2 years

Kid Rock compared himself to Willie Nelson, David Lee Roth, Springsteen, & Brad Pitt. Welp, a side effect of Ivermectin is lots of horseshit.

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Paul Lander

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3 years

Steve Bannon’s so fucked the only thing missing is Jerry Falwell Jr sitting in the corner watching.

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7 years

Trump’s approval rating nearly 30 points worse than Bill Clinton's during Lewinsky scandal Proving there are 2 different ways of going down

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7 years

#NewTrumpHolidays Who Wore it Best Day

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3 years

#IfTrumpWereReinstated Here’s his first Cabinet meeting at Camp David

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7 years

Bannon says @Rosie should spend her time doing something charitable rather than mock the new administration Uh, this:

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7 years

#WhiteHouseSongs The Kids are Alt Right

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6 years

Trump’s doctor scheduled a colonoscopy, mostly to try and find Mike Pence...

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3 years

#YouMightBeARepublicanIf You use the Texas flag to cover your ass.

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2 years

#SinceTrumpLeftOffice The kid who mows the White House lawn has actually been paid

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7 years

#FireColbert Well he did drag his wife down the stairs by the neck in front of their kid. Oh wait, that was O'Reilly. Never mind.

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Paul Lander

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4 years

#DonaldTrumpBelieves Eric doesn’t need to take a DNA test.

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7 years

#OnTheDayTrumpResigns Jeff Sessions will lose his official parking space

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5 years

#LostTrumpHistory The time he beat Joey Chestnut in a food eating contest.

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4 years

#TrumpLegalTeamNicknames Weekend Work Release Trio

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5 years

Damn, looks like if Trump sexualiy assaulted a 13 year old girl in the middle of Fifth Avenue his supporters wouldn’t care.

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4 years

KellyAnne Conway is the only known survivor of both the Rose Garden and Bowling Green Massacres...

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7 years

#FakeWallFacts @HashFakeFacts Psychologists believe the smaller a person's hands the bigger a wall they need to compensate.

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3 years

#FakeGiftWrappingFacts Putin spends Christmas Week watching gifts being wrapped at Sarah Palin’s house

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5 years

#TrumpRallySwagBagItems The Stephen Miller hair growing kit.

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3 years

Stephen King is 74. Not to be confused with former Congressman Steven King. Reminder: One writes about horror; the other is a horror.

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7 years

Warning: This Book Has 6 Chapter Elevens #TrumpBiographyTitles @HashtagSkirmish

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4 years

#16DaysToGoBefore The divorce papers are served...

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7 years

Ben Carson Calling slaves immigrants is like calling Jeffrey Dahmer's victims dinner guests.

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4 years

Trump’s gone from Celebrity Apprentice to the Amazing Racist.

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7 years

#InsteadOfNudesSend A pic of a real dick

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4 years

If Trump won’t leave White House just turn it into a Trump Casino and it’ll be empty in no time!

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3 years

#MyPillowGuyPredictions We’ll find out ‘’who’s the Daddy?”

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8 years

Donald Trump spelling "unprecedented" as " #unpresidented " shows he was not only the owner but spelling champ of Trump University.

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7 years

#StuffTrumpIsAfraidOf #SNL Losing the love of his life to a younger, hotter world leader

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Paul Lander

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4 years

#ThingsWeShouldThankTrumpFor You think your marriage sucks? Hah!

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Paul Lander

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3 years

So, all those Twitter epidemiology experts who became Women’s Gymnastics experts are now Military evacuation scholars.

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3 years

So, all those Twitter epistemology experts who became Women’s Gymnastics experts are now Afghanistan scholars....

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7 years

Custer's Last Stand could have been avoided if he just sat down. #TrumpTeachesHistory @midnight

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@paul_lander

5 years

Trump is now fighting with Bette Midler.... man, it’s going to be hard for Lindsey Graham to choose sides in this one!

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Paul Lander

@paul_lander

5 years

For those confused. author @StephenKing writes horror; Rep Steven King is one.

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@paul_lander

8 years

#rejectedTrumpTVshows The Amazing Racist

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7 years

#TrumpIQSongs @HuffPostComedy The Real Dim Shady

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Paul Lander

@paul_lander

5 months

Tim Scott’s so far up Trump’s ass he could deliver Lindsey Graham’s mail.

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@paul_lander

7 years

Mueller obtains "tens of thousands” of Trump transition emails. We know they’re from actual Trump people because of the incorrect use of your/you’re. @KeithOlbermann @jimmykimmel @rosie @dylanbrody

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4 years

#QuestionsThatTriggerTrump C’mon, you see the resemblance?

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Paul Lander

@paul_lander

5 years

#WhiteNationalistsProblems So many barbecues so little time

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7 years

#SeanSpicerAFilm Honey, I shrunk My Credibility

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@paul_lander

7 years

#TrumpsUNSpeechTheMovie @HuffPostComedy Honey, I Shrunk America's Standing in the World

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Paul Lander

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3 years

Welp, all those Twitter epidemiology experts who became Women’s Gymnastics experts and then Military evacuation scholars are back to epidemiology!

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4 years

#YouMayHaveALowIQ If you think you’re actually fooling anyone.

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8 years

#TrumpDebateExcuses Believe me, I know excuses. Mine will be biggest. Trust me.

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@paul_lander

5 years

Alabama wants to ban abortion and gay sex. Damn, isn't gay sex the best way to avoid abortions?

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@paul_lander

5 years

Happy 70th birthday, Iggy Pop

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@paul_lander

7 years

#BondTrumpBond The Wife Who Hated Me

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@paul_lander

7 years

JFK would be alive today if someone had built a wall to keep out Ted Cruz's dad #TrumpTeachesHistory @midnight

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5 years

Damn, Mulvaney’s one press conference away from confessing to killing Tupac!

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5 years

#DoNotPanicBut There’s something crawling on your head

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Paul Lander

@paul_lander

8 years

Breaking: FBI reopens Kennedy Assassination after Hillary Emails found on Ted Cruz's Dad's cellphone.

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@paul_lander

5 years

#FakeBabyYodaFacts Julia Roberts was originally supposed to play Yoda

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@paul_lander

7 years

#TrumpsDay100Songs Hey, Mr. Tangerine Man

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@paul_lander

7 years

#Trumps7WordWireTapLeaks Sometimes I confuse myself with Alec Baldwin

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Paul Lander

@paul_lander

1 year

Lance Armstrong’s complaining about fairness in sports … the ball on that guy.

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@paul_lander

7 years

I can see why Trump is mad at #merylstreepgoldenglobes . She won all her awards without any help from Putin... #GoldenGlobes

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@paul_lander

5 years

Trump says he has called off a secret meeting with Taliban and Afghanistan leaders at Camp David. But they can always be drawn in with a Sharpie at a later date.

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@paul_lander

7 years

Breaking: Carter Page is being interviewed by Chris Hayes on MSNBC laying the groundwork for his insanity plea.

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Paul Lander

@paul_lander

7 years

Breaking: Reince Priebus gone as WH Chief of Staff. This means Gen. Kelly will be leaving Homeland Security to takeover Homeland Insecurity.

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Paul Lander

@paul_lander

2 years

Look for Will Smith and Chris Rock on Law and Order: SNL.

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Paul Lander

@paul_lander

8 years

#trumpaltrightfilms Close Encounters with the Third Reich

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4 years

#StillOnTrumpsToDoList Results from a DNA Teat

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3 years

Lindsey Graham: I know Bill Barr. I served with Bill Barr. Bill Barr is a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Bill Barr. Merrick Garland: Uh, thank you...

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Paul Lander

@paul_lander

2 years

Josh Hawley is the Carl Lewis of Benedict Arnolds.

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@paul_lander