One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom Twitter profile

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One Awkward Mom

2 years

My toddler just walked by saying ‘cinnamon bitch’ over and over, and I felt attacked until I realized he meant ‘son of a bitch.’ Crisis averted.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

When I asked my 4 year old what he wanted to listen to in the car this morning, he said, “quiet is good,” and I felt that in my soul

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

The audacity of my husband not understanding exactly what I’m talking about when I start my sentence halfway through a thought

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

8 months

Give her what she really wants for Christmas, a broody seaside cottage with a porch, secret library, rolling ladders and a crackling fireplace.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

5 months

Me at my best is just me at my worst but with washed hair.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Me as a new parent: what the fuck Me as a seasoned parent: what the fuck

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

9 months

I’d like Black Friday deals on child care, dental, vision, & groceries, please and thank you.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

4 months

Do you panic that you’re choosing the wrong answer during an eye exam or are you normal.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

9 months

Yearly holiday reminder that it costs $0 to be kind to retail workers, servers, & delivery people.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I asked my husband to add some things that we need for Thanksgiving to the shopping list. When I got to the store I realized he’d just written ‘thanksgiving stuff,’ and if that doesn’t perfectly sum up marriage then I don’t know what does.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

11 months

I don’t understand people who can fall asleep immediately, when do you do all of your panicking and overthinking?

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

3 years

My husband watched our first child burst into this world like the Kool-Aid man and he’s worried about how much pain he’ll be in after a vasectomy

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

4 months

The biggest lie of my childhood was ‘you’ll understand when you’re older.’ Guess what, I’m older and none of this shit makes sense.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

It’s funny that we make excuses for ourselves by using ‘mom brain’ and ‘baby brain,’ as if the reason we’re occasionally scatterbrained isn’t because we’re responsible for the mental load of our entire family.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I choked on some water earlier and during my coughing fit, my 4yo asked me to be quiet so he could hear the tv. It’s safe to say I should start saving for a nursing home now.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

How loudly do I need to unload the dishwasher before my husband knows I’m mad

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Husband: do you remember the other day, when I said.. Me: I remember everything you say for quality assurance purposes, go on..

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I never saw myself getting a divorce, but then my husband let our toddler have a granola bar in the living room after I finished vacuuming it.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I asked my husband for help picking up before company gets here so naturally he’s out replacing the sprinkler heads

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

My toddler came into the bathroom while I was on the toilet and said, “you pooped! You get a cookie!” This is the only level of enthusiasm I’ll be accepting from now on.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

11 months

Heard a woman in Target ask her kid ‘is that a smart choice to make with your money?’ and now I wish she would follow me around the store, too.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

43% of parenting is just repeating ‘don’t say fuck’ and ‘where are your pants.’

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won't accommodate you if the baby is yours

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

My mother-in-law loves to lecture me on the state of my house as if I don’t live with someone that she raised

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

My 4yo spilled some cereal and when I asked him to clean it up, he called the dog. There is nothing left for me to teach him.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I’m just a mom, standing in my kid’s room, asking why there are fruit snacks on the ceiling

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I asked my husband to hand me my birth control while he was up and he brought me one of our kids instead. Well played

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

4 months

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: So tell me again what happened? Me: He came home after I spent the day sick, taking care of our 3 sick kids and said ‘wow, it’s a mess in here.’

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I talk a lot of shit for someone who can’t function if the toe seam on my sock is in the wrong place

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

4 months

Sometimes when I’m bored I like to post a picture of my child’s car seat buckled incorrectly to a Facebook mom group.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

3 years

Dear 2022, Just not the face.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

9 months

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Life without kids sounds wild to me; you can just go on vacations or the bathroom whenever you want.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I’m sorry for what I said while I was installing the car seat

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Thinking about the time my 3yo forgot the name for chicken nuggets and called them “orange meat cookies”

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

11 months

Sex ed for teens should include loading kids, stroller, and groceries/sports equipment into the car while it’s pouring rain.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

My toddler started babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, “I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you”, so he’s my stress management coach now

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I just need my coffee to be stronger than my existential dread

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

10 months

There are those who can’t relax when there are dishes in the sink and those who don’t even notice dishes in the sink and they marry each other.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 months

My husband watched our kids burst into this world like the Kool-Aid man and he’s worried about how much pain he’ll be in after a vasectomy.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Apparently “up your butt and around the corner” is not an appropriate response when my son asks where dinner is

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

There are those who say, ‘I’ll just do it later,’ and those who say, ‘I’ll do it now so I don’t have to do it later,’ and they marry each other.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Being a mom means packing the whole family for a trip and forgetting your own underwear

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

As part of helping me declutter the house, my husband tackled the junk drawer; the drawer is empty, everything is strewn all over the counters, and he’s watching tv so it’s going about as well as expected.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened? Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

12 days

I scream, you scream, we all scream because this is hard and why is everything so fucking expensive?!

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

1 year

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for fall sports.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

My 3 year old got into my makeup and now Ronald McDonald is in the kitchen screaming at me for applesauce

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

My husband walked into the kitchen at 6am to find me eating enchiladas straight out of the pan, and had the audacity to ask how the baby slept last night

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I now need a needlepoint that says ‘Cinnamon Bitch’ to hang in my kitchen

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

8 months

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle.’

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

1 year

I need something stronger than sleep but less than a coma.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

1 year

Therapist: What do we do when we ask someone to do something and they don’t immediately do it? Me: Just do it my damn self. Therapist: No.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I just found a chicken nugget in the shower, so don’t tell me having kids isn’t rewarding.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Are you having a good day or did you wake up to ‘mommy, my fart made my underpants wet’ being whispered in your ear.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

3 years

43% of parenting is just repeating “don’t say fuck” and “where are your pants”

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Nothing starts my day off on the right foot like my child announcing to the neighbor that “mommy ate drugs” because I took Tylenol this morning

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

My kids had fruit salad for breakfast. Frozen fruit salad. Popsicles. They had popsicles for breakfast

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Do not, I repeat, do not sit down on the toilet in a still steamy bathroom with a freshly lotioned ass

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

1 year

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Me: I’m super easy-going Also me: The iced coffee I ordered is the wrong color and now my whole day is ruined

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I hate when I’m mad at my husband so I can’t show him the funny meme I’m looking at

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

10 months

She doesn’t want flowers, she wants someone else to make dinner and put the laundry away.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

1 year

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again? Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

3 years

My husband immediately took the trash out when I asked him to and 3 said, “I’m so proud of you when you listen.” Seems like my job here is done.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Me as a child: 20 years from now our cars will fly My kids today: Mom, the roomba is stuck under the couch again

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@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I’m not saying I have a favorite child but one told me I smell like flowers and the other asked me if I’m turning 61

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Therapist: have you found time for self care this week? Me: I ate the fries out of my husband’s order while driving home alone with dinner. Therapist: *nods approvingly*

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Me: ugh. I need more sleep. Also me: stays up until midnight scrolling through articles titled, ‘Hidden Gems on Amazon for Less than $35.’

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

My 4yo asked why Santa didn’t come back and clean up the mess from Christmas and truly it’s nice to have someone else to blame for once

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

My best friend sent pictures of her newborn and I shared a sweet look with my husband until our toddler started screaming because his brother was ‘breafing at him’. We had a good laugh then googled vasectomies.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

3 months

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

1 year

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’ Same, kid. Same.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Mistakes were made in my choosing the glittery tree skirt because now my toddler looks like he spent an afternoon at the strip club

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

If a mom asks a question in a forest and there’s no one around to hear it, it’s fine because she’s used to talking to herself anyway

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Being comfortable in my own skin as a mother is so important; for my mental health as well as to prepare me for today, when my toddler mooed at me as I stepped out of the shower.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

3 years

3 is walking in circles repeating “where did I leave that” dad: what are you looking for, bud? 3: I’m just being mommy

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Friend: Want to get together next week? Me: Sorry, my kids aren’t sick this week, so that means they’ll definitely be sick next week.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Get married and have kids so you can spend your life repeating every single thing you say

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Of all the ways you try to prepare for parenthood, nothing can quite prepare you for having to comfort a sobbing child while you’re on the toilet

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

Law of parenting states that if you’re cleaning one room your kids are making a mess in another

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

1 year

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago. Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

I started making coffee and my kid told me I’d already had enough. If anyone is in the market for a 4 year old, he’s up to date on shots

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

1 year

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

2 years

While leaving the grocery store, my toddler smelled food from the steakhouse next door and said, ‘that smells like it needs to be in my mouth.’ Who am I to argue with logic like that?

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

1 year

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

8 months

My toddler strung four words together for the first time. He said ‘stop talking to me.’ My heart is full.

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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom

1 year

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

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