inappropriate mom @nicfit75 Twitter profile

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Help stop all the needless cat deaths. End curiosity now.

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@SkyleWoz

inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Hey twitter, thanks for breaking that awful book addiction I used to have.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

It's a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Well I, for one, am FUCKING SHOCKED!! http://t.co/unyiO4RFoE

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Considering "natural" childbirth? You wouldn't have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

Any word yet on if the iPhone 6 can spell fucking?

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

I can't believe we all survived grade school what with the rampant peanuts and the not having our own motherfucking goddamn waterbottles.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

My 8yo's looking for a summer job. He's a pretty decent bartender if anyone's hiring.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Guys, we appreciate how you hold out til we get there, too, but you do know that on Bj's you can just hurry it right the fuck along, right?

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Baltimore, MD. Or as it prefers to be called, Dr. Baltimore.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

*mops up wine with cat*

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Dear ppl w/ 40 followers who unfollow cuz of my RTs: You aren't fucking ready for twitter. You're sentenced to 6 more months of fb.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Soulmate? Yeah, I've met my soulmate. Vodka and silence.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Fucking kids these days! Such pussies. Easy-E woulda butt-raped Kanye and the Lost Boys woulda skull-fucked those Twilight bitches.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

It's fucking exhausting when my kids have their friends over and I have to act like I'm a good parent.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

There are some faces only a mother could love. Example: 3D ultrasound images of your baby. Keep those demon monkey pics to yourself, girl.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

All I can say is that judging by their design of earbuds, I'm super fucking glad Apple doesn't make tampons.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

You say your TL is boring?? Follow more people, dumbass! Mine is like a coked-up carnie on Ninja Warrior at this point.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

"Are you fucking retarded?" is probably something I should stop asking my kids.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

If marriage taught me one thing it's you can truly hate someone for the way they apply Chapstick.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Why don't people just wear robes when going clothes shopping? It'd be so much more efficient. Let's make this happen. I'll start.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

If you ever tried to get a Barbie out of her packaging you know that bitch is crazy into bondage.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

There's a smart car at this Costco. Good luck getting your shit home, genius.

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@nicfit75

12 years

Honestly PreK! You do *not* have to send home every scrap of paper my kid has ever touched with a crayon. He's clearly not Picasso.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

In hell there's a Starbucks inside a Taco Bell inside a Walmart inside a Costco inside a car dealership inside a DMV inside a post office.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

5 years

@kfrost100 @DrKarlynB “Armed populations are harder to oppress”. This is exactly why #BlackGunsMatter And, as a 5’2” woman, it’s the only thing that can put me on a level playing field with a 6’ male. (Or 5’2” for that matter 😉) Gun rights ARE women’s rights.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

29 days

@SethDillon Why does this guy give off such strong Silence of the Lambs Buffalo Bill vibes? 😬

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

The hardest part about mopping up wine with your cat is wringing that motherfucker out.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Fuck this shit. -Every toddler, every day

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

As 5th grade room mom I think it's my prerogative, nay, my duty, to add nuts to all party snacks to thin the herd of weaker children.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

I tucked him in. Kissed his sweet cheek. -Mom? You know what would be weird? -What? -Having a hobo as a pet. He's ready for twitter.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

It took me 15 months but I finally killed a cactus today.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Omigod, you guys, what if Canada is just catfishing us?

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

I bet Amanda Bynes didn't even know Charles Manson was looking for a wife.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

I think it's pretty unrealistic board game commercials never show the family shouting and cursing and crying.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Game show idea: "Bore Me Silly" See a first time mom armed with her birth story take on a vegan. Next week: Fitness buff v. Atheist.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

4 years

@AdamCrigler @JoshShapiroPA I was super thrilled to run into him in DC this past weekend, and return home to find that the Xmas gifts I’d ordered from him had arrived. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

I think I love teenage breakup tweets the best of all.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

I'll followback as much as the next girl, but you really put me in a pickle when your avi appears to be a fuzzy shot of your asshole.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

4 years

@bessbell @chipnanimus This is how my 19yo & 13yo boys just said they do it. I’m still over here carrying a 1 like a goddamn boomer.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

2 years

@TheCensoredRock I’ve never needed more backstory in my life

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

6 years

What an honor and pleasure to meet you and your beautiful daughter tonight , @pastormarkburns , for the #walkaway event. Keep touching lives, sir 💗

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

The worst part of VHS porn was the next person who watched it knowing EXACTLY which scene got you off.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

School supplies for 3 kids. 3 stores, 2.5 hrs, $280.86 (Before backpacks, clothes, sports, etc.) Moral? Take your birth control, girls.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Shut up, kids! Back in my day we blew up pool toys with our mouths until we all passed out, you goddamn entitled brats.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

I carry around a bag of garbage with me everywhere. But it's leather & I call it a "purse", so it's socially acceptable.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

If you're ever feeling down and defeated, just keep going. Persevere. Think of how many ducks that beaver had to fuck to make a platypus.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

5 years

Ooh! Looks like it IS a Super Tuesday! Look what came in the mail today, @catturd2 🎉🎉🎉

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Balls to the wall sounds like the least effective, most painful way to get shit done if you ask me.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

When you ask us not to be judgmental yet you've misspelled judgmental, you've sorta painted us into a corner, now haven't you.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Until you've seen a Thai stripper smoke a cig with her kuka don't even tell me how great your Vegas trip was.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Canadian strip clubs are all nude. Canadian singles are only available in coin form. And suddenly I have many fucking questions...

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

The club can't even handle me right now. I'm at Sam's.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Go ahead, give me six days to prepare for something. I'll use the last 90 minutes, thanks.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

I believe the word "Wednesday" loosely translated from Norse means: Wine at noon. I could be wrong. But why take chances?

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

Anything worth doing is worth doing with more cussing.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

I dream of the day I see an extreme couponer at the store. And quietly slip small, expensive items in their cart.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Daughter asked me what she should get her friends for graduation presents. I told her morning-after pills and shot glasses.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

9 years

When I say "Watch your language" I mean your spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Feel fucking free to curse your goddamn heart out.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Ok. When are they gonna open Forever 31?!

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

13 years

Dear Woman pushing the gigundous double jogging stroller in the bookstore, You look like an asshole. PS- put a bra on.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Are we starting twitter gangs now? Green Hoodies and FickenDammts and Spiveys… Its like West Side Story up in this bitch suddenly.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Saying "buttcrack" in a roomful of 4th graders makes you SO popular. Except with the teacher, who no longer wants me to volunteer.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

It's fair to say if I enter any school function with a Starbucks cup, I'm not drinking fucking coffee.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

When the cable guy said he'd be here between 7-10, I didn't fucking realize he meant July to October.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Get your backpack! Get your water bottle! Hurry up, we're holding up driveline. Out! Backpack!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CAR! -every morning

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

I don't care how hot you are. If you use the word "seen" in place of "saw", your soul looks like a toothless hillbilly.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

Pretty awesome that they keep Dave & Busters loud enough that everyone can just walk around farting the whole fucking time.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

1st, 2nd & 3rd rules of Drunk Mom Club: 1. Dark sunglasses 2. Screw-top wine 3. Empty Starbucks cup

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Pugs. Because you can't own E.T.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

9 years

Yes, please, absolutely, childless person. Tell me all about the ways I should parent. Lay it the fuck on me.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All you guys want a squirter. Until the reality of all that laundry hits you.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

I find I'm most beautiful first thing in the morning. Straight from bed. Before I put my contacts in.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Gazpacho is such a sophisticated way to say "I'm eating salsa with a motherfuckin' spoon".

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

If by comfort you mean booze and by joy you mean spreadable cheeses, sure, I'll take your tidings.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

6 years

@Mistie_Morning @FondueFork @realDonaldTrump @foxandfriends Here they are

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

1 month

@SouthDallasFood This is the MEANEST thing. I woulda been so psyched to stumble upon guys whipping up fresh lobster rolls and just handing them out! 😭😭😭

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Hubs asked me to quit drinking for a week. That's it. That's the whole joke right there, kids.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

5 years

@dshnapper @SteveKrak Pardon me, learned gentleman. Whilst ye clearly understands comedy deeper than us dumbfolk, I believe the word you were searching for was “shtick”.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

I'm starting to think some of you don't understand metaphors. Or irony, sarcasm, or how to fold fitted sheets.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Ah, calamari. The French fry of the sea.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

I smoke. I drink. I curse a LOT. Not sure wtf else I have to do to prove to these women that NO, I do not want their kids staying the night.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

Imagine a world where you weren't looking at your fucking phone right now.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

Always listen to your wife. Basically be her slave. Just do whatever she says. -My 7yo son, sharing his views on marriage.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

9 years

You'd think long-haired cats would be better for mopping up wine, but you're wrong. It's short-haired cats. Way more absorbent.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Me: Cute baby. Pretty blue eyes! Her: Thanks! They aren't from me! M: *smile* H: Or her dad. We can't figure it out! M: *figures it out*

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

Your mom lied. We do have favorites. You're not it. That's why you're here. Welcome to Twitter.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

Here's a hot tip, asshole, if you're pushing a stroller into a theater, you're fucking kid is too young to sit through a feature film.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

So fucking cute how when I tell my 6yo to put his shoes away he takes it as "turn on the oven", "paint the cat" & "hit your brother's nuts".

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

2 years

@ccochrane64 @BowTiedRanger If it’s the government then that question becomes how much of OUR money are they willing to spend/lose to cover up their misdeeds, and I think we all know the answer to that.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Mom tip: Quit being all lady-like when you're blowing a guy. Gag on it. They fucking love that.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

I turn into Oprah whenever I have to babysit little kids. "You get a nap! And you get a nap!! And YOU get a nap!!! Naps for everyone!!"

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

Nothing prepared me for how long parenting would require me to hold a straight face.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

11 years

Hahaa, that's so cute you think you're happily married. Welcome to twitter.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

Liquor "cabinet" is so stupid. Liquor walk-in closet makes so much more sense.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

12 years

I can't fucking believe that you love me for just being me. But it makes me love you back, even harder.

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@nicfit75

11 years

BREAKING NEWS: Oxford dictionary adds the word "twerk". Everyone over 25 years old is put on suicide watch.

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inappropriate mom

@nicfit75

10 years

I used to hope that someday I'd be able to quit twitter. Now I'm just hoping Inappropriate Grandma won't be taken when I need it.

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