Nathan A. @nathanand Twitter profile

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

I hate that I’ll never get to experience this again. Kaya - April 3, 2010 to November 3, 2021.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

I was searching for some pics of Kaya yesterday and found this. This was taken on Halloween (Oct 31, 2021)and it’s the last picture of us together. She died 3 days later.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

3 years

Haven’t put this out on social media really but my 11 yr old daughter died unexpectedly a week ago. Gutted beyond belief.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

This morning as I was leaving for work at 5:30am, I clearly heard Kaya say "I love you, dad". It made me stop and turn around, and for a moment, I hoped the last 18 months had been a bad dream. And now I wonder if I am crazy.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

9 days

By the time 7am rolled around, I’d had three emotional breakdowns. I decided to take the day off work and just let the grief roll, I guess. It’s one less stressor. I miss you Kaya. It has almost been 3 years.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

I miss you more than I know how to express with words, so I let my tears tell the story. April 3rd, 2010 to November 3, 2021. Wish you were here to celebrate your 13th birthday #Kaya #missyou #childloss #grief #HappyBirthday

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

Kaya must have been 3 or so when this was taken. She was such as easy going, yet feisty child. Thank you everyone for helping me (and allowing me to) process my grief and sharing Kaya’s name and memories.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

On April 3rd, Kaya would have turned 13. I can’t even describe my grief - what we’ve lost, what she won’t ever get to experience, and what the world is missing because she’s not here anymore. #Grief #childloss #Kaya #missyou

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 month

I miss you, Kaya. So much. Not a day goes by where I don’t feel the pain your absence & loss brings. The world remains a little bit darker… #childloss #grief #suicude

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

I miss you, kiddo. Best friend to everyone. The world doesn't make as much sense anymore.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

I miss this kid so much. My body is telling me that we’re really close to the anniversary of her death and there’s a noticeable toll on my own physical and mental health as well as my relationship with my wife.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

In about 2 weeks, it'll be two years since you left us. I miss you every single minute of every single day. My heart searches for you everywhere. I miss you. I love you.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

As we’re coming up on the first anniversary of Kaya’s death, I’m feeling grief do it’s thing. I’ve had dreams about her. I am emotional and sad but then practical and functional too. I’ll hear teary looking at pictures and then hateful when I think of all my failures as a parent.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

Today is my 46th birthday and my first without my sweet daughter Kaya. I really, really miss her more than I could ever watch it into words. So instead, I share these pics and shed several tears because I don’t get to feel these hugs again & I remember them well.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

This is our second Christmas without Kaya. I barely remember last year. I was numb with grief (and probably alcohol) and we left town. I don’t know how to honour her, so we’re going go her fave restaurant for Xmas dinner. I hope it’s a start . I miss her so much.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

I miss you. April 3,2010- November 3, 2021.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

Kaya, I miss you desperately. I don’t have the vocab to describe the hole in my heart & my soul since you’ve been gone. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of you. I love you. #Grief #childloss #missyou

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

About 2 years ago, the last family photos we had. Never, ever take a second for granted.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

3 years

For the most part, I’ve remained incredibly unmotivated since my daughter passed. Even getting basic hygiene stuff done can be difficult. Today I’ve had a rare moment of motivation so I’m tearing up carpet, doing laundry and other mundane but necessary tasks.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

Cheyenne Mountain Zoo, 10 years ago today. I’d do so much differently had I known what was going to happen. This kid… I miss her.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

She was a fun kid and I miss her a lot. I’ve been out doing errands and talking to her while I’m driving. Then I have to compose myself before I go to stores!

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

3 years

It has been 10 weeks since you’ve been gone. I miss you every single day. I miss the brightness you brought to every single room you came into. I don’t know how to enjoy anything without you here. I wish I could have gone in your place. I love you always.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

Just found this pic of me holding Kaya just hours after she was born. I didn’t cry much yesterday, but this pic made me lose it.. #kaya #grief #childloss

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

8 months

This is Kaya just before she turned one. That excitement in her face - she took that everywhere! I miss you, my sweet child. #grief #childloss #missyou #kaya

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

This is my first Father’s Day without Kaya. I’m trying to stay in the moment with Corinne, but missing Kaya immensely. I haven’t always the best dad, but I did my best.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

Came across this while searching for other pics tonight. Miss her…

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

@Paultx890 @greasewoodbloom I don’t like Ted Cruz for his politics and policy. But as a parent who lost a child around the same age to suicide, my heart aches for him.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

I’ve been posting on Twitter about my grief and memories of Kaya and I’d pretty much avoided talking about the circumstances surrounding her death. If you’ve see my wife’s videos, you can probably reason why: guilt & shame.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

Today Corinne turns 15. She doesn’t say it much, but I know she misses her sister desperately. She’s trying to carry on the best she can. We didn’t even try to celebrate last year, so I’m making up for it with Vegas & parties & fun! I’ll pass on your bday wishes to her.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

This duo won first price at a Halloween costume competition! Just a butterfly snd caterpillar. I dreamed that Kaya came back last night. I tried to stay in that moment because I knew it was a dream and when I woke she’d be gone again. Cue the tears 😭

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

To the day. 11 months since Kaya passed away. I’m a mess, understandably.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

@PeoriaBill The first place I shared that my daughter died by suicide in late 2021 was here. It’s not silly. You’ll find a community of support. Be gentle with yourself. We’re here if you need us. I’m sorry.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

3 years

2019 - turning 9 & showing off her new Guinea Pig. She’d have turned 12 this coming Sunday. Forever 11. I miss her a lot today.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

I remember being annoyed that the tree wasn’t perfect, but proud of their pride!! Then I showed everyone their tree. I wish more than anything now I did better to be in the moment and know that ..

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

While we’ve passed the 1st anniversary of her death, we’re approaching the day we told most people she’d passed (close friends and family already knew). And we’re coming up on her celebration of life (funeral, of sorts) and scattering her ashes.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

3 years

It’s always fun when they dress themselves. I miss this kid… she was 11 when she passed but she’s probably 3 in this photo. By the way, we got that shirt because of irony. It almost always was her!

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

@GeoRebekah When my daughter died at the height of covid, while I had a lot of sympathy, there were so many reprehensible comments about her dying from the vaccine (which she hadn’t had because she wasn’t eligible for it). I’m sorry that you’ve had this happen, too.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

@Mooglet1 @eileenross_20 Show her this cake my ex wife made for our daughter. It’s meant to be the Eye of Sauron from Lord of the Rings and I think it’s pretty close . Kiddo calls it the “vagina cake”. She loved it!

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

3 years

Years ago, I opened my work laptop to find this post-it note. I thought I’d kept the original but I can’t find it anywhere. But at least I have this image. She loved to draw & paint. We’ve still got all those painting. I might tattoo this on my arm, so I can always see it.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

Wish you were still here. I miss you every single day.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

I hate this profound sadness, the massive wound I carry because Kaya isn’t here. Her absence is weighing heavily on me tonight.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

3 years

We used to be so busy with Kaya's extra-curricular activities. Jiu Jitsu, Boxing, Guitar Lessons. She was psyched to join the school wrestling team. Now, I am in bed by 9pm. No after school stuff, no lunches to make. It's quiet. I hate it. Y'all know what I mean.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

I miss this

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

This popped up today. We were in Breckenridge, Colorado for a few days snowboarding. Kaya wanted a daddy hug (as she called it) and I said I might fall asleep! Remembering the good helps me avoid thinking about the bad. #grief #childloss #guilt #missyou

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

Kaya loved her “special day with” each parent. We’d do heaps of fun stuff. We’d planned one the night before she died. We were going to search for anime at various bookstores and go to Santana’s Vegan Grill for lunch. Missing her big time today #grief #childloss

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

7 months

Happy 14th Birthday Kaya . I miss you more than you could know. I love you. #grief #HappyBirthday #missyou #forever11

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

I married my wonderful wife on July 24. 2004. Tomorrow (55 min from now in Colorado) will be our 18th wedding anniversary. I don’t have a single thing planned to celebrate. It’s not that I don’t love her - I do. The grief makes it difficult to think about celebrating anything.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

A girl and her dog. He misses her

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

I want to thank each of you who follow my posts about Kaya. It helps me a lot to share and to know you care. This was free face painting day at @CheyenneMtnZoo in Colorado Springs.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

So, there you have it, for as long a time as I leave this thread up. I won’t answer any questions about how she died. That’s not information anyone needs to know, so please don’t ask.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

Today was such a crappy day. I miss Kaya so, so much.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

7 months

Not a day goes by where I don’t miss you….

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

3 years

There are times where I hate every ounce of my existence. I regret every single time I asked Kaya to be quiet, or grounded her for something that now seems so inconsequential. I hate that she’ll never snuggle me on the couch again, talk about things I don’t understand. I miss her

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

3 years

I miss you so much, Kaya. A huge piece of my heart is broken & I cry every day. On May 3rd, you’ll have been gone for 6 months. I miss your hugs, your smile, your feisty attitude and how you cared for everyone. I love you, sweet Kaya. So much.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

3 years

I guess it was three years ago today that Kaya left me this little note under my keyboard. It was so exciting to find! I miss her so much.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

4 months

As I near my next birthday, I notice your absence even more. I miss you. I love you.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

This hurts. They were so damned close… #childloss #siblingloss #sisterloss

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

I’m really glad I took so many pictures of Kaya. I love to look at them and remember. But the videos I took break my heart because because hearing her voice brings all the pain right back.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

I found a message from Kaya (at least, that’s how I’m interpreting this random find).

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

I hate heights. I can go on planes, ride on ski lifts, but generally am petrified in the sky. Kaya did not inherit that fear. She really wasn’t afraid of anything. I’m noticing the depth of her absence more each day. Grief doesn’t get easier.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

3 years

I’ve been told grief comes in waves. Tsunami might be more accurate. My eyes burn from the tears tonight.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

You can see in this picture just how much Kaya adored her big sister. We miss her so much.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

Apparently 9 years ago Kaya had her tonsils out and was eating cereal bars by the end of the day. I miss her.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

3 years

Anticipating a difficult day today - Kaya would have turned 12. A fun birthday story: when she was young, she prayed for a snow day -in April- so she could stay home from school and build a snowman ⛄️. Her prayer was answered - snow day, no school and a snowman!!

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

This was the last picture taken of Kaya. Halloween 2021. She dressed up in cosplay for a Halloween party but I surprised her and her sister with movie tickets before! I miss this kid so much. #grief #missingyou #kaya

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

10 months

I miss this kiddo.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

Best friends… this breaks my heart… the most

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

Miss her…

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

6 months

She found peace and love with all the animals. I miss you, sweet Kaya.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

7 months

We’re approaching your 14th birthday. I really wish you were still here with us.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

Christmas time many years before she died. We used all the air pillows from the Amazon boxes and made a chair! This was also in her “I don’t like pants” phase of dressing… #missyou #childloss #grief

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

This showed in my Facebook feed today. I’d had a bad day and was exhausted and Kaya was keeping me entertained. I miss this.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

C won’t likely wish me a Happy Father’s Day and that’s okay. We’ve never made a big point to push the kids to do that. I don’t feel like I’m a good father. I failed Kaya, and I’ve failed C. But I’ll keep trying every day to be the best one I can be.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

Today I got a call from the detective who investigated Kaya’s death to let me know she was closing the investigation. We had a nice conversation. She too, thinks it wasn’t something planned, something went sideways. But man, it stings. No answers….

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

Was scrolling thru FB memories and I accidentally clicked on a video I’d recorded when Kaya was riding her bike. She said “Hi Dad” and she rode past. Was nice to hear her voice…

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

I was surprised at how emotional I got when Jackson died a few weeks ago. This ashes are with Kaya’s tree and hopefully she found him on the rainbow bridge.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

Kaya loved playing Monopoly. In this picture, she realised she had 8 monopolies and was going to obliterate the rest of us!

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

The final part of Kaya’s bench has been installed - the memorial plaque. It wasn’t there all this past week, but driving past today I happened to notice a shadow, so Corinne and I stopped to look. It’s beautiful.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

Every day I struggle with the guilt of Kaya’s death. Whether it be every time I made her cry over something needlessly important to me, or causing conflict over electronic device use, or reminding her of the things she forgot to do the moment she got home from school…

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

I hate what’s happened to my family. It’s all just falling apart. I miss Kaya, and I hate that Corinne doesn’t have her sister by her side anymore & we don’t know why. These are all from various July 4th celebrations.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

I miss the kid. All day, every day. She was so happy, & what happened just doesn’t make sense. None. I’d give anything to rewind and stop this happening. The world is a worse place without her. #Grief #childloss #VeganForTheAnimals #AdoptDontShop

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

3 years

I remember I’d had a rough day at work and she snuggled me and wanted to take selfies to cheer me up. I use these memories to remember the good times. Take every moment you can - you never know when they’ll be the last.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

Last Thanksgiving, we didn’t celebrate. Kaya had been gone 2, maybe 3 weeks and her funeral was coming up a few days later. We went away for a few days. This year, we’re going to try to enjoy this day as best we can.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

Kaya used to go to an International Language school where she studied both Mandarin Chinese and Spanish. On this day, however, they were celebrating Australia and I was their guest speaker.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

3 years

Corinne is having a very rough day today and I panic when she’s like this. I can’t take her pain away. I don’t even know what it’s like for her, to have lost her sister so suddenly and tragically. My heart breaks over and over…

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

My wife has been making videos about how she’s processing the sudden and & unexpected death of our daughter, Kaya. Here they are playing a card game. Check out the video.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

1 year

I hope Kaya found you, little Jackson. I hope you’re up on her shoulder and in her hair again, just like you loved to do.

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Nathan A.

@nathanand

2 years

This time last year, I took them camping and we had so much fun swimming, paddling on the lake, riding bikes etc. If I’d only known what was coming, I’d never have come home…