Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash @mynameisntdave Twitter profile

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

“Can I Get A Discount?” A sketch about retail.

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Last Seen Profiles

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

6 years

5 GUYS EMPLOYEE: what would u like? ME: one “little fries” please 5GE: so u want “a whole bag of fries?” ME: no, just a “little-“ 5GE: I definitely heard “more fries than u could ever handle” ME: please, no— 5GE: JERRY, FOIST UPON THIS MAN “A FUCKASS LOAD AMOUNT OF FRIES”

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

Um, excuse me but what the hell is going on over at Swiss Miss?

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

In regards to the Cats movie: Remember when Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker and everyone was like “He’s gonna be so bad!” and then he was so so good? Okay well this situation is nothing like that and Cats is gonna be fucking ridiculous.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

9 years

ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

A Jehovah's witness came to my door and he asked me what God's name is so I said "God?" and he said no and then asked me what God's actual name is and I said "...Fred?" and then there was a 𝙇𝙊𝙉𝙂 pause until he sighed and said "..............no, its Jesus" and then I said "Ok"

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

Literally fucking cannot stand when my goddamned jinglehorse doesn’t pick up it’s stupid-ass feet

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

Oh no, poor guy. Alexa, play “He Shouldn’t Have Abused His Power And Sexually Assaulted Multiple Women”

Yahoo News

@YahooNews

5 years

Harvey Weinstein's attorney: 'His whole life has been ruined'

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

8 years

Plz don't make me find drugs today woof

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

8 years

If you want your dog to take a pill: 1. Get a piece of cheese 2. Eat the cheese for energy 3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

This is so haunting. This is, word for word, the last thing my uncle said to me before he died.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

ME: Good night. Sleep tight. MY DOPE SON: *sleeps hella tight* ME: *closing the door* fuckin sick

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

8 years

INTERVIEWER: any weaknesses? ME: my strength I: ? ME: im physically very weak I: oh. Any strengths? ME: [i pick up his desk] im a great liar

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

9 years

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles* ME: that supposed to intimidate me? *his fingers start to glow like glowsticks* ME: k I'm scared but thats rad

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

3 years

Today at work, this letter was found in a secret compartment inside of a saxophone case and like Holy shit.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

The first line of “Walking In Memphis” is “Put on my blue suede shoes and boarded the plane” The second line of “Walking In Memphis” is “Touched down in the land of Delta Blues, in the middle of the pouring rain” Leading me to believe his shoes got absolutely FUCKED

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

@spagaddie_sauce This whole thing is great but this is my favorite part

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

7 years

Stopped to clean their home. Nothing but respect for my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. #RaisedRight

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

9 years

JEB: am I gonna be president, George? GEORGE BUSH SR: sure, Jeb JEB: tell me about the rabbits, George GBS: [raises a gun to Jeb's head]

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

“Has anyone in this family ever *seen* a chicken??”

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

Nothing is more humiliating than trying to pick up a low bouncing ping pong ball

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

9 years

GUY: I dare you ME: no G: I double dog dare you ME: no G: I TRIPLE dog dare you! ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

9 years

Haven't been to the gym in a couple months but I still got that muscle definition that the ladies love! http://t.co/ctA26GpDRr

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

I have none. Good piggy.

Rex Chapman🏇🏼

@RexChapman

4 years

I have a few questions...

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

You mean Robo-Cop?

The Hill

@thehill

4 years

Elon Musk unveils pig with computer chip in brain

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

Literally every scene in “Big Little Lies” that has Adam Scott and that other handsome husband guy (the one married to Zoë Kravitz, you know who I mean):

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

8 years

As Knife walked home, his greatest fears had been realized. His so-called "friends" started a restaurant without him

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

when you were younger, this man was your god. Shel Silverstein appreciation thread.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

6 years

What’s crazy about the term “cum dumpster” is that it implies the existence of a “cum garbage truck” that takes all the cum to a “cum landfill” which is guarded by “cum landfill guard dogs” that keep away thieves trying to steal “scrap cum.”

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

8 years

Wow, this picture of creepy clowns near the woods is absolutely terrifying

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

┏━━┓┏━━┓┏━━┓┏━━┓ ┗━┓┃┃┏┓┃┗━┓┃┃┏┓┃ ┏━┛┃┃┃┃┃┏━┛┃┃┃┃┃ ┃┏━┛┃┃┃┃┃┏━┛┃┃┃┃ ┃┗━┓┃┗┛┃┃┗━┓┃┗┛┃ ┗━━┛┗━━┛┗━━┛┗━━┛ If you write the words down here, it makes it easier to see it says 2020!

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

7 years

BEE 1: hey, u wanna go to the flower today? BEE 2: nah, id rather stay home & build some hexagons BEE 1: ok well im gonna go to the flower

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

9 years

MOM: just audition! The worst they can say is "no" [later] JUDGE: ur worthless and will amount to nothing [later] ME: so mom, guess what

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

I wrote a song called "We Don't Need Healthcare" after reading that *incredibly* inspirational story of the two-year old whose family couldn't afford a walker for him so they built one out of parts at Home Depot! Wow :D!

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

I put Sam Elliott through the FaceApp old age thing 3 times and folks...

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

3 years

me, in little league, in outer left field, and the ball is coming right towards me

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

8 years

Sometimes my mom makes banana dolphins playing with grape balls because fruit should be fun

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

WE DIDNT START THE FIRE

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

@jennyjaffe Here you go 🎶 3 eggplants peeled and thinly sliced 6 cups of spaghetti sauce is nice 1 package of some shredded mozzarella Breadcrumbs are an important part The ingredient love comes from the heart Make the oven 350 to cook your eggplant parma 🎶

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

Alfred Hitchcock is alive and HOT???????

Givenchy

@givenchy

5 years

GUESS WHO? THE NEW FACE OF #GIVENCHY , REVEALED TOMORROW.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

Ash 2020: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HE’S DEAD? I TOLD YOU *NOT* TO KILL HIM. HE’S LITERALLY THE BIGGEST SUPPLIER IN THE NORTHEAST. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO JUST BUY THE FUCKING COCAINE AND LEAVE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS, JIM? WE ARE SO ABSOLUTELY FUCKED. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

Check it out, it’s 2016 🌳 🌳 🔪 🤡 🌳 🔪 🤡 🔪 🤡 🌳 🌳 🔪 🤡 🌳 🌳 🔪 🤡 🌳

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

8 years

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

6 years

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my pint of pickles fits perfectly in the armrest cupholder of my movie theater seat.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

My roommate Nathaniel has been scaring me as a prank since the beginning of the quarantine cuz he's a jerk. He finally compiled all the footage and gave me the video. Come on Nate, you've gotta stop!! 😂 😂 😂 😂

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

Wow I can’t believe it’s almost tomorrow, the day when we find out whether the world is going to end fast or slow.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

You know what I hated? When I was a kid and I’d ask an adult a question and they gave me a VERY aggressive “no” answer. I’d be terrified for a sec and then they’d be like “haha I’m just kidding, here is answer.” Why the fuck you doing that to children? Dont do that to children.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

ME: hey, I forget who the members of Beastie Boys are *i listen to any song of theirs* ME: ah. there we go. that’s all their names

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

8 years

Wow, can't believe Donald Trump just appointed Yoko Ono as the Secretary Of Keeping The Beatles Together

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

This is literally the most baller move in all of game show history.

Tom Hourigan

@TomHourigan

4 years

RIP Regis Philbin, who gave us one of the greatest moments in television history

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

JOKER: Wanna know how I got these scars? ME: no not really. JOKER: …you sure? ME: yeah, I’m not really interested JOKER: …because the rest of this conversation is contingent on you saying that you wanna know ME: I figured that. But no thank you I’m not in a “story” mood

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

7 years

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn't even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

SORRY ME AND NONE OF MY FRIENDS HAVE THE TIME OR ENERGY OR FINANCES TO HAVE A PORTERHOUSE AT DORSIA, NYP. WE’RE TOO BUSY WORKING TOWARDS A FUTURELESS FUTURE AND KILLING OTHER ASPECTS OF BOOMER CULTURE. AGAIN SORRY.

New York Post

@nypost

5 years

Here's how millennials have killed the Manhattan power lunch

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

7 years

Heck, I would gladly pay $30 every single day if I knew every cent of it went to mildly inconveniencing Ann Coulter daily.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

Not to be outdone, Burger King has put the King on a respirator

Ad Age

@adage

4 years

McDonald's separates its golden arches in an act of coronavirus solidarity

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

The Lincoln Project is gonna be in huge trouble when someone makes The John Wilkes Booth Project

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

9 years

"It's bottomless mimOsas, not bottomless mimoSAs." -Hermione, at brunch

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

8 years

If my child ever asks me to cut the crusts off their sandwich, yeah I'll cut em off, but then imma hide em right in the fucking sandwich

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

“But it’s weird, man! It’s weird.” -a stand up comedian

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

This is how you gotta blow out candles now

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

This is a song about "Nice" Guys

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

A movie like Jumanji but where friends get sucked into “The Settlers Of Catan” and by the end of the film everyone fucking hates each other’s guts and there’s no resolution.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

7 years

FATHER OF ALL BOMBS: kids, have u seen ur mother? A knock at the door POLICE OF ALL BOMBS: are u Mr. Of All Bombs? FOAB: [already crying]

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

For some reason I cant sing “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” without going into “Frosty The Snowman”? 🎶He sees you when you're sleeping And he knows when youre awake He knows if you've been bad or good So be good for goodness sake Frooooosty the Snowman Was a jolly happy soul 🎶

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

7 years

BATMAN: Finally, I have vanquished Two-Face. COMMISSIONER GORDON: Uh, Batman? We have a bigger problem…

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

6 years

A lady on this bus just said to her friend “I’m really really excited for you to meet my dog! And then to take you to Goodwill!” and now I’m dumb jealous that I’m not a part of their weekend plans.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

An ad for sexual dysfunction but also **extremely** apt for today lol

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

SALMON: *turns around* OH MY GOD, GUYS SWIM 𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙎 WAY. IT IS 𝐒𝐎 MUCH EASIER.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

7 years

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall Humpty Dumpty watched the leaves change all season Humpty Dumpty loves autumn

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

7 years

[CVS] CREDIT CARD MACHINE: swipe or insert your card ME: *swipes card* CCM: 🚨SWIPE?! YOU DARE SWIPE?! YOU FOOL! YOU ABSOLUTE FOOL! YOU SHOULD HAVE INSERTED YOUR CHIP! I GAVE YOU TWO OPTIONS BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! FUCK YOU!🚨 ME: why is this happening? CASHIER: *sobbing*

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

7 years

that feeling when u walk into class late and someone is doing a presentation

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

Why are so many people on dating sites actively looking for a “partner in crime?” Don’t they know crime is very illegal and you can get arrested for crime? Should be looking for a “partner to obey the law with” tbqh.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

9 years

A guy in a pick up truck just yelled "FAGGOT! SUCK MY DICK!" at me & drove away but honestly? I'm not gonna chase him down to suck his dick

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

🎶 The ozone is gone (Baby, it’s hot outside) A destroyed Amazon (Baby, it’s hot outside) The ocean’s on fire (Our situation is dire) We’re gonna die (I’ll hold your hands while we sublimate) 🎶

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

It’s like Ben Garrison met the phrase “less is more” at a bar, then took it to an alleyway where he murdered it in cold blood and threw the corpse into a dumpster

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

[office] INTERVIEWER: so, where do you see yourself in 5 years? ME: *having already looked into a bayou witch’s eyes earlier that day and knowing I will be long dead by then* Upper management.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

8 years

Rex Tillerson should be a dinosaur private detective and not whatever the fuck he is.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

I wrote a song called "No One Wants To Watch Your Fireworks Video" in preparation for July 4th. Enjoy! 🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

8 years

Very cool how we might elect a president that likes to say "I toldja so!" during national tragedies. It makes me feel safe and cared for.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

It’s so fucking funny to me that for 4 years, Congress was like “*wags finger* oh trump u wacky scamp! We should do something about ur horsehockey but we wont cuz u deserve one more chance u whippersnapper!” And now Trump psychos with guns have broken into where they work lol

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

6 years

Kevin Spacey’s Friend Who Helped Him Film “Let Me Be Frank”

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

7 years

While the salad guy was chopping my salad I accidentally whispered "yeh, fuck up that salad" a little too loud & he stopped to stare at me 😔

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

6 years

FUN FACT: Ants can carry 50x their own physical weight but only 3x their own emotional weight so if y’all try to unload all your issues on an ant and they abruptly walk away? It’s cuz they couldn’t handle it. Not your fault. They have a low threshold for emotional shit.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

I’m in an UberPool and a drunk guy just got in and asked the driver what the bobblehead panda on his dashboard was named. Driver said it didn’t have a name. Then silence for about 15 minutes. Then out of nowhere, the drunk guy bellowed “FITZ. THE PANDA’S NAME IS FITZ.”

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

If you can have fun, why not have fun

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

@behindyourback I don’t know why I did this but I looped my “To be born to be chicken, to clever to be too chicken” video and then wrote a little tiny rap over it. that’s what my Friday night has turned into

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

8 years

[diner] ME: I'll have the eggs, please WAITER: how would you like those? ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

On my wedding day, i wear a big white mustache in reference and deference to Sam Elliott, a national treasure.

TL Tyrant 😈🤨

@Sun_KissedHoNey

4 years

Visual representation of me on my Wedding Day... 🤷🏽‍♀️😁😌

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

9 years

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my...cat

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

8 years

[the organ opening to Faith blares as the Pearly Gates open for George Michael] GEORGE MICHAEL: haha ST. PETER: lol

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

9 years

LIMBO ANNOUNCER: how low can u go?! ME: *fucks best friend's gf, starts a Ponzi scheme, flips a turtle onto it's back* LA: holy shit

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

A clown at a glory hole but their nose keeps bonking up against the wall and it goes “HONK”

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

9 years

This ad is completely invisible to babies

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

Saw an adorable video of a rat clenching it's fist. So I did what we were all thinking and threw some "Inspector Gadget" audio over it.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

A dog spy with a fake molar full of chocolate.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

6 years

This isn’t good because this means Ted Cruz, in order to compete, will make a poorly thought out follow up video of him getting fucked by a horse.

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

7 years

We don’t talk enough about how in the Flintstones closing credits, the waiter at the drive-thru has preposterous strength in that she can carry an *enormous* rack of ribs that is heavy enough to topple a car with stone wheels and also at the present moment has 8 passengers.

42

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

9 years

ME: Regular 8-Ball, will I ever find love? *i shake the regular 8-ball* REGULAR 8-BALL: 8

6

582

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

5 years

@oats___ I mean why not just do it?

13

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Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash

@mynameisntdave

4 years

No one is gonna look at what your hat says. They’re going to peripherally see the red and look at your face and think you’re a racist. This not the one...

Jas.

@jassherri

4 years

This the one...

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