brent @murrman5 Twitter profile

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brent

7 years

[wife lying to her mom on phone] no he doesnt practice stand up anymore [me in basement walkin back n forth] people be lookin like they dogs

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brent

@murrman5

2 years

love the vet. love to hear the staff keep saying “the patient” and it’s a lizard.

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brent

@murrman5

2 years

[holding newborn as the nurses stitch my wife back up, change her sheets, inject her with pain meds, explain she needs a transfusion bc she lost a lot of blood during the 37 hour labour] we should name him after me

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brent

@murrman5

5 years

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy [friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

"no rapping tonight" why? "you rap about patrick swayze everytime, it's embarrassing" ok [after one beer] uh oh y'all it's gettin kinda hazy

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brent

@murrman5

2 years

doctor: have you been tested for adhd before? me thinking about what my entrance song would be if I was a wrestler: you have a nice office

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brent

@murrman5

2 years

getting pulled to the side on iron chef and being told im using too many paper towels while I cook

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brent

@murrman5

1 year

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

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brent

@murrman5

6 years

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning me: im gonna try to become left handed

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brent

@murrman5

2 years

[trying to insult a british person even though I know nothing about england] heard your mom is from Leeds

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brent

@murrman5

3 years

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work me: which one is he again? wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

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brent

@murrman5

2 years

nothing quite as dangerous as “getting in a groove” when you’re eating chips

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brent

@murrman5

3 years

[making up ghost story as I go along] but this was no ordinary Honda Accord

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brent

@murrman5

2 years

girls get nicknames because of affection and terms of endearment. guys get nicknames because they took french onion soup to a super bowl party one time

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brent

@murrman5

3 years

the key to being interesting at a party is to lie about yourself. make it cool but not too crazy. I met my wife at a wedding by saying I worked for raisin bran.

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brent

@murrman5

7 months

saying uppies to the paramedics and firefighters pulling me out my car in a ditch

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brent

@murrman5

4 years

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

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brent

@murrman5

5 years

my kid’s soccer coach: the game is cancelled me: did it have racist tweets the other parents who aren’t on twitter: from the rain I think

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

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brent

@murrman5

11 years

*shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: I have married the crab. Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

[shows up late for first day of new job] *blames it on rush hour* [shows up late for second day of new job] *blames it on rush hour 2*

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brent

@murrman5

9 years

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will...we will..miss you"

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

*holds up 2 ties* which one, I have a big meeting today "both are nice" [wife calls later] "how'd it go" well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

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brent

@murrman5

9 years

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this? [next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

me on phone: this is the worst possible time to dump me margaret tattoo artist: im not quite done so I could make it say I love margaritas

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brent

@murrman5

5 years

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

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brent

@murrman5

6 years

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing a shirt" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium] wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

a christmas parade but it’s going the speed limit

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brent

@murrman5

5 years

me rolling down window of time machine: McDonald’s hot dog? guy in 2027: not yet bud

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brent

@murrman5

5 years

[me still wearin xbox headset while making a sandwich between matches] looks like I work at Wendy’s haha [wife putting on perfume to go to the grocery store] haha

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

what's on your back? "a katana" what? "it's a japanese sword used...you know what *takes back résumé* I don't think I wanna work here"

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

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brent

@murrman5

9 years

"I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys" [cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

hey car people what does the garbage can about to shoot itself in the head warning light mean?

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brent

@murrman5

5 years

murderer looking for us: avril lavinge isnt a good guitar player my friend justin whispering: dont me slowly standing: no, fuck this guy justin

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brent

@murrman5

8 years

[a loud action sequence gets suddenly quiet and all you can hear in the theatre is me talking to the guy next to me] sell me your popcorn

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brent

@murrman5

9 years

other job applicant: good luck me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair other job applicant: what me loudly: I actually like his haircut

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brent

@murrman5

3 years

person at my funeral: is it true he planned this service himself before he died? *pump up the jam starts playing* other person at my funeral: yes

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

we'll miss everything about brent except his pranks they were the worst [hears everyone at my funeral agree and I shift nervously in casket]

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brent

@murrman5

4 months

[running out of steam during the eulogy] he always wore the clothes he never let the clothes wear him

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brent

@murrman5

5 years

the worst part of a haircut is when they take the cape off and you have to stop giving them the finger

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

wife: its ruining date night me: its ruining date night because you're letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

is your name melissa? "yes" are you married? "to you sadly" yes or no please "yes" do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

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brent

@murrman5

9 years

"when people say different color bell peppers taste different" [doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically

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brent

@murrman5

6 years

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something? [me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news] "he looks like you" [me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it's not though

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brent

@murrman5

6 years

me turning down my music while getting pulled over: sorry bout that cop: was that O Holy Night?

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brent

@murrman5

4 years

me: there were two controllers firefighter holding my xbox: im not going back in

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

you're upset I bought a waterbed aren't you "yes take it back" I lost the receipt *sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

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brent

@murrman5

5 years

girl: can you come over? me in a hot air ballon: if you’re southeast of me

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brent

@murrman5

6 years

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle? me whispering to my lawyer: do something

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

*takes your order* *goes to kitchen* *comes back* "did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?" grilled *sighs* *goes to kitchen*

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brent

@murrman5

9 years

"you ok brent?" fine "are you mad I told people that you bake when you're upset?" *aggressively takes delicious cake from oven* I'm fine ok

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brent

@murrman5

8 years

you're drinking too much milk "I doubt that" [doctor pointing at xray] this area here is all milk

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

"dad can I get a tattoo?" no [10 minutes later] out of curiosity, what did you wanna get? "dinosaur revving a dirtbike" I'll ask your mother

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brent

@murrman5

2 years

jeopardy host: it’s says here that you think every taylor swift song is loosely based on the story of the grinch me: thats right

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs [son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won't ask that

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

news reporter: so you really saw an alien and aren't just saying that to get on tv? me with better haircut than usual: yeah that's right

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brent

@murrman5

6 years

[halfway thru getting my tattoo of shaggy] I meant the rapper

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brent

@murrman5

2 years

wife: brent your cousin eric (who always wanted to know what I put in my meatloaf to make it so good) is here to see you me on my deathbed: I bet he is

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brent

@murrman5

9 years

[arguing with wife who briefly dated a guy that designs lego sets] sorry I'm not craig

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brent

@murrman5

3 years

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

[court] so you admit to the murder "yes" thank you "no prob" anything you wanna add? "sike" *my lawyer cups hands around his mouth* OH SNAP

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brent

@murrman5

5 years

waitress: are you sure you want an ambulance to come? me: there’s no way these are mild

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brent

@murrman5

11 years

*nervously plays with tie* "I'm sorry. I'm no good during job interviews." That's ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

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brent

@murrman5

11 years

*buys Sushi for Dummies* *preheats oven* *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies* *turns off oven*

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

[whispering to son before he goes in mcdonalds play place] in about ten minutes pretend you're stuck so I can go in there

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

"why'd you leave med school?" [me debating lying or telling them I thought a guy with a bone sticking out his arm got stabbed with a bone]

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brent

@murrman5

5 years

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna? me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

it's 1am where were you? work theres glitter on your shirt, were you at a strip club? [flashes back to doing crafts with phil] yes, im sorry

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair [me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

[nodding my head to the beat] kinda catchy isn't it [doctor taking stethoscope off my chest] it shouldn't be

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brent

@murrman5

9 months

Linda Yaccarino

@lindayaX

9 months

Sunday Sauce with Mom. There are raisins in those meatballs. IYKYK

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

[introducing coworkers as they walk into work like they're a starting lineup] shes 5'2 only owns 3 outfits and still owes me SIX DOLLAAAAARS

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

[in car with wife] "did you take $20 from my purse?" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

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brent

@murrman5

5 years

[me and another dad pretending to switch insurance info and laughing] bumper car operator: back in the cars

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brent

@murrman5

10 months

that’s right

Merriam-Webster

@MerriamWebster

10 months

The first known use of 'grink' was in 2019.

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

[parent/teacher meeting] "you must've read to him as a baby" *leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn't even know him when I was a baby

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brent

@murrman5

2 years

me getting ready for a party: fine I won’t bring it up. I think it’s cool and so do other people. friend who had scurvy as a child: I just want a normal night alright

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brent

@murrman5

1 month

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

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brent

@murrman5

9 years

[wife opens grocery list and realizes it's my rap battle lyrics] oh no [me to some teens in parking lot] eggs and bacon I gots y'all shakin'

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brent

@murrman5

5 years

[wife for the 5th month in a row] think you could talk to your boss this morning [me who gets paid in gift cards] kayla please don’t start

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brent

@murrman5

5 years

[guy in his 30’s still wearing flat bill hat] so basically like a vibe check? [doctor explaining the bloodwork she wants him to get] yes but for cholesterol

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

guy at my surprise party in charge of telling people im coming: he just pulled up. hide! [20 mins later] he's just sittin in the car cryin

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brent

@murrman5

2 years

at a farmers market calling it rhubarb strawberry instead of strawberry rhubarb. everyone getting mad. the guy that makes his own deodorant is making throat slit gestures

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected] camera guy: don't try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

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brent

@murrman5

7 years

a wedding band playing killing in the name of at a wedding but instead of saying killing in the name of they say Wayne and Linda in love

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brent

@murrman5

4 years

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

*takes out one earbud* "not guilty, your honor"

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brent

@murrman5

9 years

[on way to play charades with gf's family] I don't wanna go why I don't wanna look silly you won't *first thing I have to act out is pasta*

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brent

@murrman5

6 years

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

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brent

@murrman5

3 years

robber: give me your wallet me: do your thing patricia girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

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brent

@murrman5

9 years

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

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brent

@murrman5

5 years

[wife rubbing her belly] come feel the baby kick [not even six hours after I failed my green belt] you for real?

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brent

@murrman5

10 years

[wife holding empty can of hairspray while getting ready] "weird, I felt like I just bought this" [me looking fabulous] "that is weird"

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brent

@murrman5

6 years

911 operator: stay calm trapped in my mazda 3 with a wolf: no

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