Sorry to hear about your recent losses, 2D. If you need a hug I’m on the balcony. But if you could bring a cup of tea (7 sugars) up with you that would be smashing.
Fellow humanz, it’s true – I have RISEN AGAIN from the primordial sludge (had a quick pit wash). I am reborn, tranzformed, like a filthy phoenix from the ashes. And I have one mother of a story to tell…
Noodle, bless her, was worried cos 2D wasn’t wearing a helmet. The truth is, the boy’s got so many metal plates in his noggin from various head injuries over the years, his head is already a helmet.
#DebunkAries
…I’ll never forget what you did for me, even tho I will probs forget your name. Thank you for FREEING MURDOC. I’ll leave you with this heart-warming montage of our journey together… Ta-ta for Now Now. And remember - vincit qui se vincit!
Allo you lot. Murdoc Niccals here, in da house. I mean, where else would I be. Anyway, I'm back once again to give you lucky chumps an access all (some) areas tour of my latest masterpiece. Enjoy!
#DebunkAries
RIGHT. All the eyebrow shamers out there saying I look like Bert from the Muppets! My usual barber’s is closed right now, obvs. So I did them myself with a blowtorch. Burned the lot off by mistake, had to draw them back on.
#DebunkAries
Free citizens of the world, my shackled hands have once again been granted access to a keyboard. And this time… I’m phoning a friend. WE’RE ONLINE NOW…
Right, morons saying I’m short. Ever heard of PERSPECTIVE? When things are nearer to you, they get bigger. E.g., when a fist comes towards you, it gets bigger as it approaches your face. Plus, right, I was STOOPING at that point to convey my sadness (more great acting). OKAY.
Greetings, humanity. Look who’s here. Smashing back into your orbit like one of those majestic reusable rockets. My new masterpiece is about to DEBUT. Join me online, I might even chat to you (unlikely).
Tres desole to disappoint, but that crying stuff - I was ACTING. Not bad, eh? De Niro, Dench, Prinze Junior - do one. Niccals is here to show how piss-easy acting is. Shake some salt n pepper in the eyes, bit of the old shoulder shaking. BAM. Just a shame I missed Oscar season.
OK gotta go - Russel’s chilli is ready. To be honest, I’m slightly dreading it, the last one did me a right mischief. But I don't want to offend him so I'll put on a brave face. Until next time, STAY SAFE, WORLD!
#DebunkAries
Some of you asked how, on account of my gorgeous complexion, I can use a green screen? Fact: My skin is NOT green, it’s Chartreuse. A French colour and très sexy. Also goes well served over ice.
#DebunkAries
About that green screen. Rumbled. Yeah, I made the creative call that we film this one from base camp. Just to show the world what wonders can be achieved working from home. My way of inspiring you all.
#DebunkAries
Salutations, people of the Gorilla-verse. Guess bloody what? MURDOC’S FEELING CHATTY. But I haven’t got long, my time is more limited than 2D’s spacial awareness. So SPEAK NOW or forever hold your...
Right, that syringe. Keep your hair on, world. Nothing to soil yourselves over. It was just a bit of truth serum for the lad. Didn’t even bloody work. Reminds me, need to fire my chemist - been supplied a lot of duds lately.
#DebunkAries
Weird, I don't remember shooting a video... Must be some kind of PROPHECY. Gather round, my lambs, and behold the future, a glimpse of tomorrow today. Praise be to Murdoc!
There was a hole in Gorillaz – now we are whole again. The old me would have turned that into a smutty joke about filling holes, but not Murdoc 2.0. Thank you, my friends, you have truly set me free.
Wotcha peeps. Right, think you can handle the truth? Then strap yourself in, Murdoc’s about to REVEAL ALL. (If however you can’t handle the truth, sling your hook now)…
I’ve had so much caffeine I’m starting to hallucinate. Just had a twenty minute tête-à-tête with 2D, turns out to be a golf umbrella. Similar level of conversation, mind you. I’M STILL ONLINE.
Ta to
@Monielponi
and
@kairose18
for asking: is 2D wearing my captain’s hat from Plastic Beach? Not the same one cos that got eaten (long story). But I bought a new one and gave it to the lad, a little good luck charm for his voyage. You look smashing, matey!
#DebunkDesole
BOLLOCKS. Gotta go. I’ll be back again in two weeks, like a deadly, intergalactic boomerang. Talking of lethal weapons – if we’re going after a certain criminal mega-bastard, we might just have to break out the BIG GUNS. And I don’t mean my biceps...
BISH BOSH, G-fans. I’m seeing a lot of chat about my latest banger, Momentary Bliss. As there’s enough fake news out there already, I'll be setting the record straight.
TOMORROW. 5PM GMT
Wondering what the F happened in Patagonia? All will be revealed in one final chit chat. But later - right now I am obvs VERY BUSY and IN-DEMAND (and yet still humble). Deets will be announced soon… Tata for now. Peace and love, Murdoc 2.0
Friends, fans, stalkers – IT’S TIME FOR ANSWERS. What happened in Patagonia? How did I survive the world's worst log flume? Why the F was I strapped to a yak? Ask me TODAY, ‘cos for ONE LAST TIME, Uncle Murdoc’s online…3pm BST
Russel’s carrot sticks / Noodle’s gloves are a metaphor for what Gorillaz is like when Murdoc isn’t around. I.e., ridiculous, a broken instrument, a machine missing it’s biggest cog. Very touching tribute to me. Thanks guys! Cheers
@GoryPumpkin
@melixay
for asking
#DebunkDesole
Numero uno, I am HURT you would think that’s poison. It’s echinacea, a herbal supplement! Good for the immune system, lot of colds going round. Yes, it’s in an old poison bottle, but I rinsed it out. Ever heard of RECYCLING?
#MomentaryBliss
This is your last chance to speak to me directly. After this it’s back to screaming from the rear of an auditorium. ONLINE FROM 3PM TODAY, for 24 whole hours! You lucky bastards.
To all my disciples attending our shows in Los Angeles this weekend, if any of you can get a group chant going of ‘PRAISE BE TO MURDOC’, I will grant you eternal salvation (and maybe even some signed merch?). See you there!
Today's the day my lambs, the final showdown, the rupture to end all ruptures... If all goes well and it doesn't end in my horrible but heroic demise, join me online afterwards for a live debrief. Praise be to Murdoc!
@slowthai
@Slaves
It’s very touching that you’re all so concerned about my health. BUT - the reason I chucked up violently was simply the gut-wrenching turmoil of my creative process. The emotional cost of artistic genius. But you lovely people are worth it.
Until next time...
Devastating news re the launch of my celebrity fragrance. Essence of Murdoc has been RECALLED and is NOT on sale just yet, due to (isolated) incidents of (very minor) skin shedding. Weird cos I tested it on 2D and he seemed normal.
#essenceofmurdoc
You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone: Time. Freedom. A chance to speak to the greatest human of the millennia. Plus Noodle. Come back in TWO WEEKS to find out how she gets on in her mission to FREE MURDOC! Seeee ya.
OK, that’s your lot! Keep the fires of freedom burning in your hearts and hashtags. With your help, Murdoc Niccals shall return, like a glorious throbbing rocket from the heavens, exploding all my—Oh bollocks, out of characters.
#FREEMURDOC
!
@slowthai
@Slaves
Who is the geezer with the horse’s head? Honest answer? Dunno. He snuck in and cooked himself a cheese toastie. Russ booted him out. Best guess? A rival band trying to sneak a peek at Song Machine. I’ve got my suspicions…
#MomentaryBliss
Geezer in the Lucha libre mask? My old amigo and adversary ‘El Fatto Pollo’. Came up against him on the amateur wrestling circuit in Pueblo a few years back. KO’d him in the third with a top-rope plancha. He retired last year (lumbago) and now works at Kong.
#DebunkAries
What is
@slowthai
looking at on his phone? Simples. The lad needed inspiration, so I sent him something that has inspired me over the years. A picture of myself.
#SoFxxkingSpecial
#MomentaryBliss
Annnnd that’s your lot! Hope that clears up some of the stuff keeping you awake at night. And re the other stuff keeping you awake at night - not really my problem. But good luck with that. Until next time, world!
#DebunkDesole
This is your Great Leader and High Beacon wishing all my followers another blessed day in the Last Cult. Praise be to Murdoc! Like and retweet to advance one level through the Last Cult's extremely laborious progression hierarchy.
#PraiseBeToMurdoc
Great Q from
@SenseiJussa
on that pasty bloke in the tower... yeah weird one that. Lot of celebs own houses there. First thought was ‘bloody hell, George Clooney’s a bit under the weather.’ But also looks a bit like Nosferatu, so can’t be sure. Mystery continues…
#DebunkDesole
Awake, my legions of followers! Your Great Leader needs you. Yes, even YOU! Our miraculous album Cracker Island is a gorilla’s whisker away from the top of the charts. Help us reach the promised land (buy it, basically) and eternal bliss shall be yours! Plus an album!
Salvation lies at the bottom of a very deep hole. Well, that's what I've been telling 2D. He's in the garden now with a shovel. Keep going, mate! You’ll get there.
Praise be to me! I am honoured, humbled but not remotely surprised that Gorillaz have been nominated at the MTV Europe Music Awards! Vote for us as Best Alternative Artist and your sins shall be cleansed. Cheers.
Bloody hell, you've got to wonder what possesses people to dress up like pound-shop Gandalfs, hold hands and skip around the garden all day long. Honestly, that lot next door give cults a bad name...
Musical genius, style icon, actor, lover, fighter, and now - RADIO DJ. That’s right, I’m on air. IN FIFTEEN MINUTES. Tune in and let me help erase the memory of the previous three shows. Or are you busy? Thought not.
- 7PM GMT / 11AM PST
What’s that, Murdoc? You’ve written us all a bloody LOVELY LETTER full of holiday cheer and that? Yeah. So I hope you appreciate me. More than Noodle, anyway. Gave her a crate of my fragrance Essence of Murdoc for xmas (got loads left btw) – she didn’t even thank me! Some people.
Hkjkhhkjheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeef. Soz, fell asleep on the keyboard. Fear not, just inhaled a load more Gold Blend so I’ll be good for a few more hours. Fancy a chat?
“A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.” You gonna argue with Charles bloody Darwin? No, cos he’s dead. But also cos he’s bang on. I’m ONLINE for ONE MORE HOUR. Don’t let me or that dead bloke down!
Right, apparently there’s a rumour going round I’ve been wearing Noodle’s skirts. Utter bollocks! We’re totally different sizes. You can ask her yourself, she’s online for TWO MORE HOURS.
WALLOP! 24 hrs, easy. Taping my eyelids open was a bloody masterstroke. Right, I’m off for some shut-eye (soon as I get this tape off). But before I go, know this…
Behold! I Murdoc Niccals, Supreme Overlord of the Last Cult, have miraculously transmuted something even more precious than gold! It’s called NEW GOLD, and it’s Gorillaz’ brand new track, recorded with
@tameimpala
&
@bootiebrownOG
OUT NOW!
@slowthai
That laser-powered owl—one of Murdoc’s little pet projects. Keeps my artists frosty knowing they could be vaporised any second. Work with me, you better be willing to sacrifice everything. Like 2D’s satsuma. (sorry pal, I’ll buy you a new one)
#MomentaryBliss
bazinga!! nothing gets the spirit soaring like a double shot of Last Cult holy water, my own secret blend. Tell you what: any followers who reach Last Cult Level 20 will be rewarded with the recipe! Spoiler alert: you’re gonna need limes and a cocktail umbrella.
Come and hear my heart-warming story of redemption before Ron Howard buys the movie rights. I’m ONLINE NOW for the next 18 hours. That’s right, I’m doing an all-nighter. And not the fun kind.
Shout-out to 2D: saw you called me a dinosaur in NME. Well said. I’m the T-Rex (though with bigger arms), and you’re a primitive sea sponge that thinks it can walk on land. Crawl back into the sea with all the other bottom feeders, mate.
@Salchichazzz
Convincing, wasn't it? I used Stanislavsky's Method techniques, and channelled all my pain. My regrets, the shame for how I treated 2D, my concern for planet Earth. Mix em all together, wallop! Not a dry eye in the house.
There’s honestly nothing I like more on a Wednesday than playing a Gorillaz show in New York! Trust you’ll be joining me, 2D, Noodle and Russ at TD Garden for what promises to be THE BEST NIGHT IN BROOKLYN'S HISTORY x
Ahhhh. Bliss. I'm currently anointing myself in the sacred pool here at Silver Lake. Essentially it’s a hot tub filled with tap water (that I personally blessed), a secret blend of herbs, cheeses, and a half dozen bottles of Rasputin vodka. Maybe I should bottle this stuff?
Awake my lambs! Transcend with me to Cracker Island and let your souls be cleansed in sound - it's our latest Gorillaz banger featuring
@Thundercat
Praise be to Murdoc!
#thelastcult
#crackerisland
The truth is out there, hidden among the pixels... Well that's what Russ reckons. Says if he stares at static long enough he'll find all the answers. Drummers, eh?
@slowthai
What’s all this about Rita? The original lyric was actually 'Ryvita, Ryvita' (2D’s suggestion, I think he was hungry) but I told
@Slaves
to change it to ‘Oh, Rita’. That’s all you’re getting…
#MomentaryBliss
Hark! Is that a ... Christmas gift guide? Certainly 'tis! Murdoc’s top 3 gifts (in reverse order): 3. socks 2. satsumas. And at no. 1, Essence of Murdoc, my new signature scent. Timeless. Vivacious. Sacrilegious. Smells bloody lovely too.
#essenceofmurdoc
Think you can handle the TRUTH? Then here begins Murdoc Niccals’ 24 HOUR CHATATHON. Speak to me asap before I start spooning in dry coffee granules to stay awake…
Could the owner of the blue Nissan Micra in the Wormwood Scrubs car park please shift it. You’ve blocked in our visiting Zumba teacher, Keith. Many thanks.
#ZumbaToFreedom
Just heard that voting ends TONIGHT for the MTV EMAs – suppose I better figure out who to thank in my speech if Gorillaz win. His Majesty the King, for starters. Then thanks to the fans for voting. But mostly, thanks to me for creating Gorillaz.
Citizens of Detroit, roll out the pink carpet and put the cider on ice cos Gorillaz is incoming!! See you all tomorrow at Little Ceasars Arena for the latest of our soul-cleansing musical shindigs.
“You can have it all, just not all at once.” Well said, Oprah. We’ll get there, one step at a time. Join us ONLINE NOW! (i.e. Me and Noodle. Oprah wasn’t available).
To all my loyal subjects helping me in my darkest hour, I shall never forget you. (Collectively, obvs. Individually, I have no idea who you are).
#FreeMurdoc
I bribed this internet access off the warden with a lovely coffee and walnut cake. Speak to me ASAP before he realises they aren’t walnuts… 3 HOURS LEFT to join Murdoc’s March to Freedom…
Awake, my minions! AVERT YOUR EYES WHEN I ADDRESS THEE! Actually soz I am gonna need your eyes. Have a butchers at this PROPHECY of what’s to come – behold the Pink Sun rises from the darkness!!!
#endisthebeginning
2D, Murdoc, Noodle and Russel in Cracker Island
World Premiere July 28, 5pm BST 🚨
Join Murdoc & 2D live in the chat from 3.30pm
🎬 Set your reminders
#crackerisland
#thelastcult
Hark, my cherubs, for the pink sun shines in the East!! Specifically upon All Points East in East London tomorrow – Gorillaz’ only UK festival show of the year! Trust your Great Leader, it’s gonna to be MIRACULOUS! (Blessings on all who attend)
#TheLastCult
#PraiseBeToMurdoc
Would you Adam and Eve it, his most holiness and highest of all High Beacons (moi) is broadcasting once again and I need YOUR help! Spread the word, PRAISE BE.
Praise be to me! I’ve only gone and found a way to turn sound into solid gold! Get some of my alchemy that is NEW GOLD in your ears then tell me if you feel reborn
Murdoc’s March to Freedom strides on, this week with the help of a certain style icon / lethal assassin. It’s time the master (ME) called his apprentice (NOODLE). We’re BOTH ONLINE NOW…
The hour is NIGH. Just a little reminder to JOIN ME at 6PM BST today. Oh got plans have ya? Learn to multi-task - I’m writing this tweet while levitating! 6pm today. Live and direct from my Mind Palace. Latecomers shall be forsaken!