Mommeh Dearest @mommeh_dearest Twitter profile

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

How dare my husband interrupt the story I decided to tell in the middle of his story

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

7 months

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

4 months

My kids are sitting poolside stuffing their faces with Doritos after swimming for hours with their cousins. I about to tell them we are having wings for dinner. This is as good as it will get.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

5 months

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube. Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

9 months

They need to put whatever makes you couch sleepy into a mattress or pillows or something

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

1 month

This is a goose’s car

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 months

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

I hate when people ask me if my baby is a “good baby” like no he bets on illegal dog races and stabbed a kid at the playground

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 months

Blue balls but it’s because I was promised a severe thunderstorm and it only drizzled

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

5 months

If your AC is set to 78° don’t you dare invite me over. The damn disrespect.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

Dental hygienist: When I stab you repeatedly in your gums with this razor sharp instrument they bleed. Do you know why that is? Me, through the tears: Cause I’m a bad girl?

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 months

There are two kinds of people in this world, those who have vacation constipation, and those who have vacation diarrhea, and they marry each other

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 months

I won first place!!

Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 months

I just finished crocheting this blanket! It’s the second project I’ve finished! I’m entering it in the county fair. This is the most thrilling moment of my life!

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 months

A gender reveal but it’s me and my husband opening up the speed trap camera ticket to see who was behind the wheel

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

1 year

My 2yo screamed in Costco, cause he’s 2. This crusty old man came up to us and said, “I’m one of Santa’s helpers. That means I’ll tell Santa about who’s being a naughty boy” to which my 6yo replied, “Mommy why isn’t that old guy minding his business?” The kid gets it.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

Hear me out a party bus but it picks up other moms and we get to sleep while it drives around playing true crime podcasts and nobody talks to us or asks us for anything

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

6 months

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

11 months

My 2yo is crying saying “I need cheese” and omg same let’s go get some cheese baby

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 months

If butter companies stopped printing the measurements on the wrapper I would literally not know what to do with myself

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

5 months

I thought ‘you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me’ was a quote from Bane not a Taylor Swift song lmao

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

10 months

My husband bought a stud finder and didn’t put it to his chest to see if it works. Someone come take his dad card away.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 months

I’m at the age where just sitting outside seems like the most fun thing I could ever imagine

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

My 4yo just called a bee a honey bug so we’ll all be calling it that from now on

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

5 months

May is mental health awareness month. I think everyone is aware of the state of my mental health

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

Drive-thru employee: Anything else? Me: Yes can you put the nuggets at the top of the bag so I can eat them on the way home that way my family won’t know I got the nuggets?

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

8 months

I’m a millennial I spent my childhood outside drinking from the hose and my teen years in questionable AOL chat rooms.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

This stain remover knows how I like to party

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

So my son can manage to cough directly into my mouth but somehow misses the toilet every single time he pees?

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

4 years

Moms don't go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

1 year

Did you know that fatigue usually starts at about the 6th week of pregnancy and lasts until you die

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

Are we sure it’s a spy balloon and not some elaborate gender reveal?

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

1 month

So an old lady two houses down complained to another neighbor about my 3yo running around shirtless and without shoes. Ma’am it’s a warm summer evening and he’s a feral lil hillbilly living his best life. Maybe you should take notes and relax a bit.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

6 months

Pro tip: do not get a delicate bow tattooed on your hip then get pregnant a bunch of times because one day your kid is going to ask you why you have a octopus tattoo on your belly

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

Early 20s: Stays out all weekend Late 30s: Plans entire week around not having leave my house on the weekend

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

My 5yo eating a Dorito, “Thank you Jesus for this nice chip”

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

11 months

Me: Where’s the slime bud? 2: Right there. Me: No, that’s the slime container…where’s the slime? -A three-sentence horror story

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

My kid: Mommy can you wipe my butt? Me: Sure but it counts as one of your Christmas presents.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

It cost $0 to put your shopping cart back.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

8 months

My 2yo: “I won’t do it again.” Narrator: He did it again. Almost immediately.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

The most unbelievable part of the Home Alone movies is that Kevin is the youngest child. No way does a mom forget the baby. Now a middle child. No one remembers the middle child.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. No, I much prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

I used all my upper body strength to push the trash down into the can so I didn’t have to take the bag out. Follow for more fitness tips.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

10 months

My kids wanted to play hotel and after checking my husband into his room he went in and took a nap and he’s parenting on a whole new level

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

5: Mommy what do you wish for while pooping? Me: I didn’t know that was an option!

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

7 months

My husband took our 7yo to the movies last week. My husband snuck in a small bag of candy for each of them and my 7yo won’t let it go and is treating my husband like a criminal.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

Covid: You can go places now Hand-sized parachuting spiders: The fuck you can

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

Me: “Can we get ice cream?” My mom: “We got ice cream at home.” Ice cream at home:

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

Me trying to show my husband that I’m mad but he won’t take me serious cause I’m too cute

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

My toxic trait is hating to be lonely but wanting to be left alone

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

7 months

Pray for me y’all. There’s nothing really wrong with me I just have to leave the house and wear a bra for many hours today.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

The fuck would I go to my high school reunion everyone already knows I got fat through Facebook photos

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

10 months

If the bottom half of your tree’s ornaments are missing check your toddlers wagon

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

We are out of ibuprofen so I gave my husband 2 brown m&ms hoping he won’t notice

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

4 years

I once let a co-worker call me the wrong name for 8 years in case you were wondering what my brand was.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

1 year

So last night my 2yo called me into his room. As I was laying next to him he slowly pointed his finger to the ceiling and whispered "right there" then reached over and grabbed my hand like he was terrified.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

1 year

Moms don’t go on vacation. We just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

1 year

Today I celebrate 9 years of sobriety. I always break my anonymity on this day in case there is anyone out there struggling and doesn't know where to turn. 1/3

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

I used to be young and exciting now I can’t wait to tell people about the features of my Subaru Outback

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

4: Can we get McDonalds? Me: No baby we ate lunch right before we left. 4: That was regular lunch I need driving lunch.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

4: You da best mommy. Me: Thank you. 4: And I love you. Me: I love you too. 4: And you’re a little weird looking. Me: There it is.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

10 months

What really sucks is once you’ve unloaded the dishwasher you just fill it back up again

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

5 months

Ruin a toddler’s day today by giving them exactly what they’ve asked for

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

People who can get the scissors to slide through the wrapping paper what’s it like to be god’s favorite?

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

10 months

My 6yo was goofing off and wearing a pair of my Uggs and said “These are what I think about when you sing that song 🎼Boots with the fur🎼”

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.” -My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

When you’ve seen this murder on a different true crime show

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

Tell me why as a child I would lie about the dumbest things. I once told a math teacher I had an uncle that lived between two timezones and that it would be 1pm on one side of his house and 2 on the other.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

“I’m drink hungry.” -My 4yo forgetting the word thirsty

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

You know those bumper stickers that say “football mom” or whatever I need one that says “my kid watches a lot of YouTube”

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

Never give up on your dreams unless they are ridiculously hard and you are severely unqualified

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

Pray for my son y’all. Nothing wrong with him he just realized the tuna fish in his sandwich is from a fish.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

7 months

A restoration service but it’s for gift bags that you’ve passed back and forth with your family

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

4 years

RIP dinosaurs, you would have loved what they've done with chicken nuggets.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

1 year

If you’re a fitted sheet company that puts tags that indicates top or bottom you a real one

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 months

I just finished crocheting this blanket! It’s the second project I’ve finished! I’m entering it in the county fair. This is the most thrilling moment of my life!

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

My kid being mad that he got a $5 bill instead of a quarter from the tooth fairy is exactly why we won’t ever win the war against children

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

Today I celebrate 7 years of sobriety. I always break my anonymity on this day because it’s important to me to end the stigma of alcoholism. We are women, men, mothers, fathers, young, and old. We are humans born with this disease. I am thankful for my life today.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

9 months

How my parents apparently walked to school when they were kids

Brooke Pryor

@bepryor

9 months

Yinzer of the Year

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

Me and my 6’4 husband posing for a picture like

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

One thing I know for sure is if you take the bag of cereal out of it’s box you will never get it back in the right way again.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

My husband when I ask him what his plans are for this weekend cause he knows I’m about to give him a list of shit to do

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

Why do fast food places ask you what kind of sauce you want if they have no intention of ever giving it to you

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

Before and after kids.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

Husband: You mad at me? Me:

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

9 months

My kid got a bow and arrow, slime, a nerf gun, and keyboard for Christmas because apparently I was on the naughty list this year

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

My husband brushed up against me in the bathroom this morning that will have to count as this month’s date night

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

The hardest part of parenthood is pulling a single baby wipe out of the container

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

6 months

I keep saying apocalypse instead of eclipse if that tells you the state of my mental health

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

4 years

Just so you know if you have a 'jump to recipe' link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

2 years

My 5yo called me an asshole cause I wouldn’t wipe his butt in case you forgot to take your birth control today

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

4: *says a bad word* Husband: “Where did you hear that word from?” Me: *please don’t say mommy please don’t say mommy*

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

4 months

You ever scrub your baseboards and think that for once in your life you’ve got it together

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

@roastmalone_ This tweet is all that and a bag of chips

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

6 months

Ok so food bloggers I’m gonna need you to tell me right off the bat if the butter needs to be room temperature that way when I get done reading about how this recipe reminds you of the dog you had in the third grade the butter is ready to go.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest

3 years

My husband just called me by my actual name. I don’t think he’s done that since we said our wedding vows.

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Mommeh Dearest

@mommeh_dearest