molly @mollyEatsTofu Twitter profile

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

Thread: my dog takes credit for things he did not purchase

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 years

Was in Paris on Friday night and a handsome French man was flirting with me and I asked him what his name was and he said (very Frenchly) “Ah you will be disappointed” and I thought what a silly thing to say and then he said “it is Kevin” and you know what? I was disappointed.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 years

Also incredibly funny that going from London to Paris is like taking an Amtrak from nyc to Wilmington Delaware lol

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 years

@Jennifertamu I told my French friend and she was like “yeah, that’s a pretty embarrassing name tbh”

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 years

@hansmollman “Kevin” “Kieran?” “Kevin” “Cillian?” “Kevin” “…” “Like Kevin Costner” “😐”

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

1 year

Enough time has passed now that I think I’m ready to share that I made a deck for a man I was casually seeing to help define our relationship

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

1 month

Stunning, no notes

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 years

“I licked her Tom Tugendhat logo or whatever”

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 years

@jakecurrie Omg stop it

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

7 months

Broke my self imposed 2-year ban on bringing my dog on dates and he sat on the man’s lap and stared me down like this????

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 years

French Kevin, if you see this, thank you for perfecting the delivery of what I imagine is a line you have used on countless American women.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

My dog knows we like to sit on benches so here he is trying to sell me on different benches on our walks

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 years

Idk man but with all this partygate stuff I keep thinking about how Sarah Everard went to a friend’s house for a glass of wine one night and the cop who murdered her was able to convince her that it was an arrest-able offence to *even be outside walking somewhere*

Sky News

@SkyNews

2 years

The PM says some events identified in Sue Gray's report were held for the purpose of "saying goodbye to valued colleagues". He adds that "some people will think it was wrong even to do that" but "I respectfully disagree." Live: 📺 Sky 501 and YouTube

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 years

Dudes aren’t gettin Dells anymore and it shows.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 years

We gotta bring back crime

Boy George & Culture Club

@RealCultureClub

2 years

"Karma Chameleon" is taking over the New York Subways!

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

A couple years ago a guy fell in my shower. I didn’t see it but I heard it. I saw him recently and he told me what happened: he washes his feet by squirting body wash on the floor of the tub and then he just...shuffles his feet over it. So yeah there’s a new type of guy for you

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

In the U.K. they call them “future cyberists”

ballet archive📁

@balletclips

4 years

Students of the Dance Theatre of Harlem dancing through the streets of New York City

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 months

@it_is_fareed Paddington basin has a forbidden section of stair

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

I said goodbye to my little Frank today. The rain kindly stopped long enough for us to get our last photos together. Frank has been my everything since college and losing him feels like losing a part of myself.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

Matched with a guy on bumble months ago and we followed each other on Instagram but never met (he was way too good looking). Anyways his new influencer gf just made pasta with the sauce plopped on top instead of mixed in and I am so happy for them.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

1 year

It was 11 slides total and feedback included that it “showed clarity and strategic rigour”

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

1 year

Honestly it’s wild how much of a catch I am

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

1 year

Girl dinner 🙏

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

u ever see a dog see a butternut squash for the first time

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

Here is my British dog desperately trying to drag me into a pub on our walk

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

Your girl made a Nike ad 😳

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

I feel like he should be known for the murder part first

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

7 years

@MattOswaltVA THE ALGORITHM WORKS.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

My dog finally met my dad.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 years

What’s a good male performance where Matt Damon buys a zoo?

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

10 months

I made a deck for a man I was dating

rachel

@rachelmillman

10 months

Alright. We’re wrapping up the year. It is now tradition: Please tell me about the funniest and stupidest thing you did in 2023

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

Have they tried opening the internet

The Hill

@thehill

4 years

FBI seeking information on people who stormed the Capitol

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

1 year

@sdiver100 I am literally insane

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

brb just setting my microsoft teams away message

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

That small numbers should be spelled out.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 years

Speighce Mountayne

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

Kim that’s your sister u didn’t “find her”

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

Henry got a haircut

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

“Waitrose” was actually Jack’s last word in the Titanic not a lot of people know that

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

1 year

@RGA Including but not limited to

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

(He’s a Bosch Boy)

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

You think it’s great being best friends with a doctor but lemme tell you

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

I know 2020 was bad but imagine how much worse it would have been if it had happened when people loved saying “Keep Calm And Carry On”

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

7 years

@laurenduca I thought it was a false alarm bc I couldn't find it on the @nytimes homepage. Had to click on the notification on my phone. Fun fact: the last line paragraph mentions another school shooting this week that wasn't special enough to get covered. The week is 2 days old.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

This hinge combo makes me laugh every single time

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 years

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

Your twitter bot name is your credit card number + the three numbers on the back

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

Today is my birthday so today I put on a bra, makeup, shoes, and three different dresses.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

sad to report the neighbourhood fish did not survive the pandemic :(

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

do all dogs look like small humans in hair suits or is mine broken

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

Was he okay?

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

1 year

Slightly horrified anyone thinks I know what a kpi is. I forgot other professions make decks that are not fun.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

1 year

@robynhfrost Unfortunately it would need some significant redactions

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

My friend used to think the rain % on weather forecasts signified now intense the rain would be. Like 100% was full strength rain. I think about this daily.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

when I tell the dog it’s illegal to be this cute

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

That is simply not what the Big C is.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

Letting go was extremely difficult, but it would have only gotten worse. If you ever find yourself in this position, I think the vet put it well: this is the hardest kind of decision to make, but you are taking on the suffering so your dog doesn’t have to.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

is it money

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

What if dogs bark at barking dogs on tv because the dogs are bad actors and they are heckling them

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

I Cat Feel It In The Air Tonight

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

I feel like I just met CNN on a solo holiday abroad and we had a wild no-strings-attached weeklong fling that neither of us will ever forget.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

7 years

@gbUSMC @InternetSheldon @TomiLahren And they shall call you...the TicketMaster

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

Henry had a great time with his uncle @xandvt today

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

this pandemic must end.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

Another day, another series of lies

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

Or maaaybe they didn’t lose one of their Hot Years

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

You’re in his DMs, I’m in his home video flashbacks wearing a sundress and laughing because I’m his first wife and I’m dead.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

1 year

@RGA Both platforms had a “what it means” slide, proof of concept and next steps

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

u open ur eyes and this is the first thing u see wdyd

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

It took 9 months but I finally wrote King Lear

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

so excited to finally get back into dating*!! *men telling me I’m funny and cool but they don’t want to date me

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

I cannot recommend cockapoos enough. Every 6 to 8 weeks you get a new dog.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

As the owner of multiple pets, I can assure you that your parents have a favourite.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

This time last year I held a retirement ceremony for my bras

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

please. my son. he is so jaunty.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

dunno why the census has to drag me like this but ok

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

wish I could stare at my phone all day here 😍

Bookmarks Magazine

@BookmarksMag

3 years

The Royal Portuguese Reading Room, Brazil.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

2 years

Foodie preteens loitering outside the m&s trying to convince a 30 yo to buy them some rice wine

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

This looks...terrible?

Food Network

@FoodNetwork

4 years

Can we have a moment for the tallest apple pie of ALL TIME? 😱 This is insane, @TheBlueOwl !

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

@BoschUK please sponsor my dog he loves your appliances

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

I am really lucky to have two cats, one of which has taken on the emotional support animal duties of late and especially today. She learned from the very best. Pets take such good care of us. I’m glad I could take care of Frank for so long.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

People who ask me if I’m ever moving back the US have simply never had clotted cream.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

My very beautiful horse passed away today. Here he is looking handsome over the last 17 years, because I am very sad and he was so pretty and this sport is so so silly. His name was Lion.

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

Just a little guy having a little sit

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

3 years

I have never archived an email on purpose

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

Dog went to Steve’s groomer

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

Honestly how can anyone refuse to wear a mask this is the coolest I‘ve ever looked in my life

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

they don’t tell you how good British hot mustard is before you move here and honestly I think that’s a mistake

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

Come on ladies, who amongst us HASN’T forced our parents to go on a family trip to cancun during at age 10 and/or 12

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

We've all been coping with isolation in different ways. I decided to rewrite all 19 songs on ABBA Gold so they're about quarantine. And then I sang them. I call it QUARANTINE Gold (thread)

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molly

@mollyEatsTofu

4 years

Me: what if we just close pubs at 10pm? Cats: