My Life As Dad @milifeasdad Twitter profile

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My Life As Dad

2 months

My 6yo was upset this morning but refused to talk about it. As she was being dropped off at school, she decided to speak up by saying and I quote, “I go to school too much, and it bothers me.”

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

3 months

Marriage tip: If your wife says it’s ok for you to go out on a guys night while she stays with the kids, bring back something juicy for her to enjoy and feast on, like gossip.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

6 months

6yo: Do adults cry? Me: They do. 6yo: You probably cry when you go to work.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

3 months

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

There’s always that person who eats the pickles on their burger and the other throws them away. And they marry each other.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

3 months

My kids saw mail I received that was addressed to me as “Mr.” and then my 9yo asked “Why do you have a mister in front of your name? I didn’t know you were an important person.”

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 months

Took my kid to “Bring Your Child To Work Day” a few weeks ago and now, any time I ask her how she’s doing, she says “Living the dream”.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

"I'll see you later today" I whisper, as I pack a sandwich in my kid's lunchbox.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today. So annoying when she does this every week.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

6 days

6yo: Is your boss a boy? Me: Yes. But girls can be bosses also. 6yo: I know. Mommy is your boss at home.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Yeah sex is cool, but has your wife ever told you that you were right?

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

I have to admit, at times my wife scares me. Not because of anything she did, but because of her Netflix history of crime shows.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Marriage AND Parenting tip: If your wife says it’s ok for you to go out on a guys night while she stays with the kids, bring back something juicy for her to enjoy and feast on, like gossip. You’re welcome

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

3 months

[9yo won’t eat her Nutella bagel for breakfast] Me: You’re the only person in the world that doesn’t eat Nutella! 9yo: How would know that? Me: I know everything. 9yo: Who sang the first song in the world? Me:

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Sure sex is great but has your kid’s Saturday morning swim class ever been cancelled?

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

8 months

A couple should not marry each other until they set up a Christmas tree together.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

7 months

Boys and girls are so different. My girl was reciting the alphabet in full at 18 months, but as for my 2yo son, I’ve had to yell at him 3 times in less than 5 minutes to not deliberately run head first into the load bearing basement post.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid? 8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside. *Both start laughing*

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 months

Me

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

6 months

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the Christmas decorations won't take themselves down.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 month

6yo: How did you get mommy to date you? Me: Because I’m charming. 6yo: Oh really? She said it was because you were the least annoying.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

7 months

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !” - My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

7 months

That feeling when you’re done with your kids for the day but it’s a holiday and it’s 7:49 am.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

7 months

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

“Sit still you animals !” My wife yells at the kids just before she posts the photo she took of them on Facebook captioned “My World”.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

4 months

9yo: Daddy, look at what I found stored in the basement. I think it’s vintage. Me: It’s called a CD. And It’s not vintage. 9yo: Yes it is. It has a date on it of 2006.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

50% of parenting girls involves them running away when you brush their hair

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

7 months

9yo: What’s a New Year’s resolution? Me: A change you want to make for the new year. Like reading more or spending less time on the iPad. 9yo: Oh OK! My New Year’s resolution will be to spend less time at school.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

It's a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Admit it, the most satisfaction you get as a parent is when your kids step on the toys they refused to clean up.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 months

My wife just started a sentence with “I’m going to make sure my next husband…” In case you’re wondering how I’m doing at life.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

4 months

My 9yo has the stomach bug and has been drained from it. She got hysterical and started crying then said, and I quote, “I’m scared, what if I have diabetes?”

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Accidentally used my wife's shampoo and now I find missing stuff around the house without needing her help.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

4 months

Some of the cool things my 6yo girl has told me about how her day was at school include “I got an award” and “Today, a group of boys were being mean to me and I only made 5 of them cry.”

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

On my wife's birthday, I washed the dishes, gassed up her car, bought the cake, flowers, and a gift. Things were going well until I realized I left her with the kids all day.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Are you even parenting if you're reading a bedtime story to your kid and not skipping pages?

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Tucked my kid into bed last night and she was afraid Santa will get her the wrong present. I calmed her down by reminding her Santa only gets mommy’s present wrong.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

26 days

I ruined my toddler’s life this morning. Yeah, I accidentally flushed the toilet for him, and before he got the chance to say goodbye to his poop.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Apparently, when your wife is not talking to you, the best time to ask her "What's wrong?" is not 3 days later.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

7 months

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons. He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

My wife forgets where she puts her car keys, but remembers that night from 7 years ago when I forgot to refill her water cup before bed

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

5 months

Nobody: Absolutely nobody: My 2yo: [Puts his hands on his hips] WHAT THE F*** ?!

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

8 months

[At the hospital] Nurse: *Walks into the room* How are you feeling this morning? Me: It was a little rough sleeping here last night but I made it. My wife: She was talking to me. I had the baby.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

11 months

Get married so you can own 5 different types of coffee machines but your wife still goes to Starbucks.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts* Me: Nice work with picking a random password. Wife: It’s our anniversary.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Welcome to parenthood. You reheat your coffee 3 times but still drink it cold.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

6 months

Finally done with a house project that I started 3 years ago and I think my kids will love their new shower head.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

6 months

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we no longer feel the need to say “See you later, love you” when either of us leaves the house. Instead, I now say “Try not to miss me” and she responds with “I won’t”. It’s true love.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

So excited for my kids to go back to school and I especially like the part where they bring home a new illness for the next month.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

My kids and I were complaining when my wife warmed up left-overs for dinner and we took a poll to show her none of us want to eat that, so then we ate left-overs.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

3 months

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

4 months

6yo: Daddy, houses cost a lot of money. Can I just take your house when I grow up? Me: Where would mommy and I live? 6yo: Basement.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

5 months

[I woke up in the morning and kissed my 2yo on the cheek] 6yo: Why would you do that?? Me: Why not? 6yo: Well, earlier he put his whole head in the toilet.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

My wife believes that a lot of our arguments could be resolved by me not breathing.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Once your kid can get you the remote control when you ask them to, the second half of your life begins.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Parenting is enjoying the time you get to watch a Disney movie with your kids. All 237 times.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

9 months

One of the best highs a husband can experience is when he realizes the reason his wife is mad, is not because of him.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 months

9yo: Who took my hair tie? Me: I didn’t. 9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

In case your thinking about having kids, my kid woke me up from a deep sleep on this fine Sunday morning to tell me she sneezed AND farted at the same time.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a "nicer kid".

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

[Having a special moment with my toddler before bed] Me: Goodnight, I love you. Toddler: Thanks, you can leave now.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

Accidentally stumbled on my kid’s diary where she says sweet things about me like how she loves me and how she can’t sleep all night because I snore “like cow and pig.”

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

If you're on the fence about having kids, my toddler was having a hard time pooping and started crying when I wouldn't help.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

10 months

6yo: Daddy, starting tomorrow, I’m going to call you dad, not daddy. Me: Why? 6yo: Because I’m 6 now. I’m getting older, so I’m just saying dad now.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

11 months

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

7 months

[Doing my kids’ laundry] 6yo: Daddy, when I grow up, I want to get married so I can have my husband do the laundry.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

10 months

*Went on a vacation with my wife* Me: Finally some R&R, no one bothering us. My wife: You’re bothering me.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

10 months

*My kids were roleplaying my wife and I* 8yo *Being me*: Is this tweet funny? Can I post it? 5yo *Being my wife*: Can you please leave me alone for 5 minutes to drink my coffee?!

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

5 months

My wife can seriously find stuff blindfolded. The other day, my 6yo was crying because she lost her toothpaste, so my other kids and I helped her look, and it turned into mayhem. My wife showed up and told my 6yo “It’s in your hand.” What kind of sorcery is this?

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Just because your friend tells you to keep it a secret, doesn’t mean you don’t tell me. - My wife wanting gossip

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

One thing to know about parenting is that ice cream will resolve any issue. Just make sure you give your kids some too.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Parenting is having to tell your kid not to put their toes in their mouth. Nor their sibling's toes.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

One of the worst feelings to experience is when your kid gets a terrible grade on the homework you did for them.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Don't you hate it when you're trying to eat healthy but then you accidentally eat 9 Nutella stuffed pancakes?

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

5 months

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away. Me: Oh no, where did it go? Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Parenting tip: For a teething infant, call grandma and tell her to pick up the kid. She wanted grandchildren, right?

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

Get married so that you can get home early from work and overhear your loving wife tell her mom “Let me call you back, he’s back early and I need to mentally prepare for this level of annoyance.”

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Have kids so they buy battery-powered toys that are left on until you have to search where the frightening noises are coming from in the middle of the night

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

3 months

Single guys group chat: "Where da party at this weekend?" Dads group chat: "That frozen cauliflower crust pizza from Costco is da bomb".

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Dad hack: Pretend you’re sleeping. The kids will then go ask their mom.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

3 months

My 9yo is doing fractions and to help her practice, I asked her how I can get 2/3rd cup of water when I only had a 1/3rd cup available as we were making pancakes yesterday and she said “Ugh, today is Sunday, it’s a day of rest. That’s what you always say.”

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

I complain to my parents about my kids and they remind me what a little sh*t I was.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

3 months

I know my wife and I are so meant for each other as we’re always on the same wavelength. My single friend just randomly scheduled yet another vacation to Europe and my wife and I simultaneously said “Oh, to be single again”.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

Kids smiling at home: 🙂 Kids smiling in professional pictures: 😬

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

I told my 2 little girls that I didn't want to play Hide & Seek, and long story short, I'm playing dress up in a Tinker Bell outfit.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

5 months

[Recent romantic conversation with my wife] Me: Hey babe. My wife: Did you wash the dishes?

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

2 years

My wife establishes dominance by asking my kids and I to search for missing stuff and when we can't find them, she shows up and they magically appear

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

“Mommy you need a bigger bed so dad can sleep on it too.” - My toddler who, along with her sibling and 3 stuffed animals, took over my spot on my bed

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

8 months

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time to tell your wife “A smile goes a long way” when she’s in a bad mood. Especially not after she spends the whole day with the kids.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

8 months

*My kids are fighting* 9yo: You’re acting like a baby ! 6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

When my wife annoys me, I log into her amazon account, buy something nice for myself and since she pays her credit card bill without looking at the transactions, I complain that she spends a lot.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

My 8YO was FaceTiming one of her friends who said “Every time I call, your mom is either making you food or cleaning. What does your dad do?” and my kid responded “He’s either at work or in the bathroom”.

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My Life As Dad

@milifeasdad

1 year

My kids are so obsessed with me. “Daddy, we want breakfast”, “Daddy, can you make us lunch?”, “Daddy, you have to make us dinner since you didn’t make us breakfast or lunch”

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