Michael Good @michaelgooood Twitter profile | Pikagi

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Michael Good

@michaelgooood

1,378

Followers

763

Following

248

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1,982

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standup. Steve Martin Presents. link for tix 👇

New York, NY

https://t.co/XYpcT3AdnX

Joined September 2010

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

6 years

Alex Trebek is so unfazed by anything, he could be like, "I understand you've made an unusual acquaintance?" and you're like "Yes Alex I met my pen pal, who is a centaur" and he'd say "My, well they sure can get places in a hurry, can't they? Alright Sam has command of the board"

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

4 years

everyone made fun of Rebecca Black for singing "yesterday was Thursday, today it is Friday" but now I'd kill to have that much confidence in what day it is

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

3 months

every adult woman I know is reading like they're trying to qualify for a pizza party and every guy I know owes DraftKings $5000

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

3 months

relaxing before bed by watching 2-6 seconds of 100-200 videos

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

3 years

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

3 years

guy next to me on the plane asked what the drinks limit was & the flight attendant said "4" & he said "for the whole flight or at one time" & she said "at one time" & he said "I'll take 2 Bud Lights and 2 shots of whiskey” like it’s a movie and we’re meeting the main character

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

2 years

finding out Woj has Covid but not from Woj smh how'd he get scooped on this

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Michael Good

4 years

Hemingway famously wrote a 6 word story with a full dramatic arc and so did this guy I saw on Facebook who wrote “happy belated birthday to my fiancee”

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

3 years

playing as Iowa State on NCAA Football the announcers would be like "here we are at Jack Trice Stadium, on the banks of the Skunk River" and you'd be like lol I guess?

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Michael Good

2 years

my girlfriend said "6 years ago we were in San Antonio" and I was like "oh yeah the duck" and she was like "what?" and we compared our photo apps and she had pics of us and our dinner and I had 7 pics of some duck lol

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

2 years

by far the most common character you encounter in standup comedy is dudes with a 20 for perseverance and a 1 for self-awareness

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

5 years

*bombs a standup set* hey don’t quit your day job *screws up at day job* please tell me you’re pursuing your dream at night or something I mean this can’t be it

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

8 years

[reading Dante] man comedy’s come a long way

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

3 years

Batman: [hello Newman voice] hello Joker Joker: [hello Jerry voice] hello Batman

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

6 years

this guy really just typed "THE PATRIOTS CHEAT" selected landscape orientation and hit print, what a legend

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

4 years

miss standup so much that I even miss the guys who would come up to you after a show and be like “hey man funny show, couple of notes. first off, you got genus and species backwards,“

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Michael Good

1 year

it's important to remember that all my mistakes have made me what I am today - worse

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Michael Good

9 years

*gets 5 golden rings* "That’s a relief, I thought it was gonna be more birds" *gets 6 geese* "Son of a

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Michael Good

7 years

curling is the least woke sport, it's just a guy yelling at his wife to sweep faster

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

2 years

hope you like my Clue joke

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

7 years

missed connection: you had 200 likes on a picture and I was the 10th dude in a row to comment “damn”

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Michael Good

3 years

a joke about Shaq and the moon and my favorite TV show @nbaontnt

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

2 years

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Michael Good

5 years

happy for Pitbull

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Michael Good

1 year

at my old job I had to pretend there weren't raccoons in the ceiling

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

5 years

This smoothie place needs more confidence, I mean is the berry bangin' or not?

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

7 years

Rewatching Space Jam, the Monstars were doomed by poor roster construction. 2 centers, 2 power forwards, smallest point guard they could find. No shooting, no spacing, no one to guard Michael.

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

1 year

standup comedy is so dumb, just biking furiously through an apocalyptic fire haze like "I have to perform for these 3 people"

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

2 years

my girlfriend thought Mario says “wa wa wee wa” and I was like “I don’t think so?” and then I googled it and had to be like “you’re thinking of Borat”

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

1 year

it's not just that people have main character syndrome it's that they'll start talking to you like you've been watching their show

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Michael Good

3 years

cool idea for a hotel room key besides the part where having it in my wallet makes me look like a serial killer

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

5 years

standup comedy show posters out here like ____________________________ | | | Featuring: A comic | | Also featuring: 8 comics | | And more! | | Hosted by: 6 comics | |___________________________|

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

2 years

comedians will be like "I hate small talk" and then ask everyone in the crowd what they do for a living

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Michael Good

2 years

love all the history in New York City like this is actually the CVS Ben Franklin went to

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

2 years

Dear Grayson Allen, I'm so sorry I was not your mother,

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

6 years

Some restaurants take themselves too seriously, like the kitchen door will say “Authorized Personnel Only” and you’re like man this is a Pita Pit

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

3 years

my girlfriend got highlights and they came out pretty blonde and she was like “could you date a blonde me?” and I said “yeah actually most girls I dated before you were blondes” and I guess that wasn’t really the answer she was looking for

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

8 years

me: I don’t really even care about this topic brain: It’s in a list though me: You’re right, clear my schedule

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Michael Good

6 years

Guys need to stop going out in groups of 10, that's too many dudes. Make an A team and a B team.

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Michael Good

3 years

[watching Rodney Dangerfield] love how this guy takes me through a spooky mental haunted house

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

3 years

doing comedy in 2021

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

2 years

soccer:

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

6 years

[Texas Tech hiring assistant coaches] Can you dress and act like you're at the Watergate hearings? Absolutely You're hired

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

8 years

“Can’t pronounce this word? What if I throw in a few symbols and turn some letters upside down? Does that help?” - pronunciation guides

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

6 years

my friend was on his phone and he was like "Instagram's so cool man" and I looked over and he we just scrolling through his own profile

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

2 years

the year's 1886. your cola contains cocaine. tincture of opium is 25 drops a penny. work is down to 60 hours a week. you're 12. life is good.

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Michael Good

3 years

love when a second car alarm joins in out of solidarity

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

7 years

no no no listen it is purely coincidental that the first letter of each paragraph in my resignation letter spells out "daddy"

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

3 years

a global conspiracy is afoot to prevent you from coming to our show tonight at @TheAsylumNYC at 9:30 but don't let them win! tickets:

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Michael Good

3 years

the stages of waiting for a bus: guess it's stuck in traffic maybe this bus doesn’t exist anymore do I exist anymore seriously am I dead can people see me

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Michael Good

2 years

started wants to send following you you a message

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Michael Good

4 years

I wanna be the first comedian to do the Super Bowl halftime show, just walk out there and bomb for 15 minutes

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Michael Good

6 years

I majored in political science because I always thought I'd make a good temp

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Michael Good

4 years

the hardest I’ve ever laughed on Facebook was when this booker announced he was banning Michelle Wolf, like oh no whatever will she do if she can’t play Nevada, Iowa

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Michael Good

8 years

Pretty sure every Uber driver I’ve had would follow a GPS into a lake

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Michael Good

4 years

found out my buddy has a girlfriend because we did a Zoom call and now he has decor

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Michael Good

3 years

we should call quitting comedy “going honest”

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Michael Good

4 years

ridiculous that raconteur means “good storyteller” and not “raccoon expert”

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Michael Good

2 years

"we don't talk enough about" yes we do we talk too much about everything

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Michael Good

4 years

"oh good" I say upon learning that no animals were harmed in the making of the movie I'm watching on a phone built by humans making $2 an hour

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Michael Good

6 years

It was always hard to find time to work on group projects in college ‘cause the person who took it seriously would be like “how about we meet Wednesday night?” and you’d be like “nah Wednesday’s no good, I’m duct taping a 40 to each hand”

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Michael Good

5 years

Ok don’t shoot the messenger but your car is totaled. Who totaled it? Me, but again remember I’m the messenger so, immunity.

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Michael Good

6 years

it must really suck to be a bomb-sniffing dog, like you're a species with 98 percent unemployment and you're one of the few who have to wake up every morning and punch a clock

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Michael Good

2 years

love the Twitter feature where there's a tweet you wanna read and then the timeline shifts entirely and you can't find it again

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Michael Good

3 years

will be saying “what a weird year” every year until the end of time (2037)

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Michael Good

2 years

[testifying before Congress] yes *guy leans forward, whispers in my ear* I mean no

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Michael Good

8 years

No gain? Yeah but hear me out: no pain

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Michael Good

6 years

half of Twitter is just dudes tweeting "who cares?" at accounts they chose to follow

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Michael Good

2 years

any fan who sides with owners during a labor dispute is such a loser, you shouldn't be allowed to wear jerseys anymore you should have to tape the name Steinbrenner to the back of a suit jacket

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Michael Good

3 years

my girlfriend asked if I’d ever thought about what I’d want to name my children and I looked up and she said “DON’T look around the room”

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Michael Good

1 year

hey! sorry I'm running late due to circumstances well within my control

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Michael Good

6 years

dang I just wanted to know the temp

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Michael Good

3 years

me, as a kid: when I grow up I want a bedroom the size of a whole house me, now, living in a 300 foot studio: wait not like that

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Michael Good

7 years

[sitting children down to play Clue for the first time] ok kids so there has been a brutal murder

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Michael Good

8 years

The people working at mall kiosks are like if Internet pop ups came to life and then also tried to attack you

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Michael Good

7 years

I miss the good old days when a problem on Facebook was like too many annoying Farmville invites and not people you know defending Nazis

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Michael Good

5 years

Living in New York is a very expensive way to watch the worst 2 NFL games every week

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Michael Good

3 years

[saying bye to people leaving an open mic] good set, good set, cool shirt, good set,

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Michael Good

3 years

would have been writing covid jokes this whole time if I knew they’d become evergreen

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Michael Good

3 years

people like to bring up that Einstein dropped out when he was 15 but never mention that it's cause he was so far ahead, like you failed physics cause you didn’t get it and Einstein failed physics cause physics was wrong

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Michael Good

7 years

you, a bug, dumb: *keeps bouncing off artificial light* me, a human, smart: *refreshes Twitter all day*

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Michael Good

4 years

[texting a comedian at 2:30 PM] hey sorry if this wakes you up,

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Michael Good

9 years

A good alternative to talking politics on Facebook is typing your thoughts into Microsoft Word and then setting your computer on fire

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Michael Good

2 years

what if it just popped up with a picture of a guy

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Michael Good

2 years

you've heard of War and Peace but have you heard of its lesser known sequel

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Michael Good

5 years

My second favorite thing in comedy is when someone's like "How much time do I have left? 30 seconds? Oh that's perfect, all I have left is this 3 minute joke"

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Michael Good

6 years

I think my girlfriend and I should start going to the airport separately cause I like to walk right through security and on to the plane and she likes to get there the day before

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Michael Good

1 year

audience member came up after the show and said "I thought you were the second funniest" and I asked who was funniest and he said "I don't know"

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

2 years

the owl theory was such a wild true crime moment, like the defense was like "well there's another suspect they didn't consider" and we were all like "ok" and they said "there's this owl" and we went "like the bird?" and they said "yeah" and we were like "go on"

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Michael Good

3 years

getting into a comedian's car and stepping on a bunch of trash I can hear but can't see is the closest I'll ever feel to Indiana Jones

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Michael Good

2 years

[not wanting to think critically for even one second] yeah I'll tell ya both sides are screwy

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

3 years

what if in the new Dexter he started doing standup

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

3 years

whatever it takes to get your foot in the door

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Michael Good

2 years

my friend was onstage and checked his notes and then went "I've never had a threesome" and I was like you had to write that down??

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Michael Good

5 years

A TV show about 3 people committing a murder so they can start a true crime podcast about it

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@michaelgooood

Michael Good

3 years

so messed up they put slumlords in charge of housing policy, I mean that’d be like putting a rich person in charge of the treasury or letting insurance companies write health insurance law or letting members of Congress own stock or letting Boeing certify their own planes or

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Michael Good

4 years

sororities will be like "we are very diverse, we have blondes of all different eye colors"

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Michael Good

6 years

my girlfriend likes Friends more and I like Seinfeld more so it's like a Capulet and Montague situation but if the Montagues were clearly right

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Michael Good

8 years

21 Sloths Who Will Make You Forget About The Rapid Decay of Journalism

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Michael Good

5 years

Got a fresh new idea for a podcast, it's gonna be like every other podcast BUT this one will be hosted by me

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