Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 @mahnamematt Twitter profile

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

6 months

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

My wife gave me a grocery list and included aisle numbers where stuff is located so I wouldn’t pester her while I was in there.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

My wife asked me to open the pickle jar. I jokingly told her to do it herself and she grabbed a silicon pot holder, opened that damned jar and now I’m feeling a lot less needed around here.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

Me: I need a tablespoon outta the drawer. My potato masher: fight me for it, bitch.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

So we are out in the neighborhood looking for our golden retriever, and we hear some dogs barking. 4yo says that’s not him, that’s not what his bark looks like.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

3 years

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, The a/c was running cause we live in the south.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

Told my wife she was being bossy like her mama… That’s the last thing I remember.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

My wife got me shorts that aren’t cargo shorts and I asked her what’s a dad without his cargo shorts? “A stylish one,” was her response.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

3 years

8yo is learning her Roman numerals this week. Dad is also learning his Roman numerals this week.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

While the wife was trimming my eyebrows I mentioned her armpit stubble and boy let me tell y’all that was a mistake.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

How many beers does it take to recover from a 4yo’s birthday party at the jump park? Is it 13? I feel like it’s 13.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

3 years

3 just told his momma to “chill bruh” and now I’m the one in trouble for laughing.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

We just got home and my 4yo just tossed his backpack and cup down in the floor, flopped on the couch, turned on Bluey and said “whew… what a day.” Same, little buddy. Same.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

3 years

My daughter would unplug my life support to plug in her iPod.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

10 months

A friend of mine told her fiancé that she wanted a Tesla and he was like “you can’t even keep your phone charged” and boy does he have a lot to learn about picking battles.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

3 years

My wife got a haircut yesterday. I didn’t notice it until JUST NOW OH MY GOD SOMEBODY HELP ME!!

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

3 years

Think parenting is for you? Last night I found 4yo taking a bath with his socks on.

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@mahnamematt

2 years

“Daddy, that chicken’s ghost is gonna haunt you for eating it,” and other terrifying shit my 4yo casually says to me.

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@mahnamematt

11 months

Me and the wife had a little Netflix and chill time last night, and by Netflix and chill I mean I watched Netflix and my wife snored like a warthog.

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@mahnamematt

2 years

My wife was laying in bed earlier, relaxing, and I asked her if she planned on doing any cleaning today oh shit oh fuck what have I done SOMEBODY HELP ME!!

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@mahnamematt

2 years

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

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@mahnamematt

3 years

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

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@mahnamematt

2 years

My daughter asked me “What do you call a fly without wings?” And I was like I have no idea. “A Walk,” she said. A. Walk. Trolled by a 9yo, ladies and gentlemen.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

My wife’s love language is leave her the fuck alone after she’s been home with the kids all day.

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@mahnamematt

2 years

My kitchen is clean. This means that in 3 hours time, there will be 9 cups, 13 straws, 7 plates, and 11 forks dirty. There’s only 4 of us.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

1 year

My 5yo is losing his absolute shit because he’s not in a family picture we took 4 years before he was born.

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@mahnamematt

2 years

Told my wife to “simmer down” instead of calm down. It is not the better option. Wonder how “don’t be so dramatic,” would work?

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

“Honey, where’s my good crocs?” and other shit I never imagined myself saying.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

11 months

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home. Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me. My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

My 4yo asked me what I’m getting him for my birthday tomorrow. This is how the argument started.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

1 year

Today is our 12th wedding anniversary and I asked my wife if she had 12 more in her and she was like “I dunno” so I got that going for me. Enjoy some wife tweets from the last couple years. ⬇️

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

6 words every parent longs to hear: “I can wipe my own butt!!”

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

5 months

At lunch me and 6 were headed to the Mexican restaurant and he said “we don’t have money for a Lamborghini but we have money for chips and cheese dip and that’s alright too.”

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

A drier sheet on a tile floor is a disaster waiting to happen. I know this, now, at 5:40am.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

9yo had the audacity to tell me “get it together, daddy” after I had to go back in the house twice to get her water bottle and her soccer ball.

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@mahnamematt

1 year

Introduced my 5yo to Soundgarden and he was like “dad this is horrible” so is anyone looking for a kid because I don’t think this one is mine.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

3 years

I wanted to feel like an idiot last night, so I tried to help 8 with her math homework. Total success.

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@mahnamematt

4 months

Last weekend my 6yo beat the crap out of me in Fortnite and was like “get wrecked old man” so it’s time to get Mario kart out and show this little shit how it’s done.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

1 year

Last night my 5yo came through the living room and asked “where the hell is my sister?” and my wife got mad at me for laughing.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

10 months

My 5 yo got mad and told me he was going to his room and I can’t come in so y’all can probably imagine my excitement.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?! 4yo: Because lunch.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

Y’all might take my dad card away but I’m glad the weather is getting cooler I’m sick of cutting all this grass.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

3 years

My kids are 8 and 3. When my wife gets her maternity pants out to wear for the day, I know, without a doubt, I better keep my mouth shut. About everything.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

1 year

I’m getting to the age where “I should have peed before I left” is becoming a more common phrase.

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@mahnamematt

3 years

I’m “broke a sweat trimming my toenails” out of shape.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

1 year

Me and the wife were talking about people cheating on spouses and what not and the inevitable came up where she was like “you ever thought about it?” And I quoted Al bundy saying “why go out for milk when you got the cow at home” and lemme tell y’all she did not find that funny.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

3 years

3yo was walking in the living room with his tablet in hand, dropped it, and said, “whatthefuck…” in case you’re wondering about my parenting skills.

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@mahnamematt

10 months

Did we just spend $400 on groceries at @samsclub ? Yes we did. Are we now sitting in a Japanese restaurant eating? Yes we are.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

I’m pretty sure if I was in a situation where I had to date again I’d just give up on life.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

The wife was complaining about our handheld vacuum not sucking like she thought it should and I said it must have gotten married so if y’all need me I can probably be found at the funeral home next week.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

Custodian at my 8yo’s school complimented her kindness and generosity today. Told me she always smiles and speaks and hugs her everyday then told me I have no idea how much she needs that sometimes. Makes me feel like I’m doing this dad stuff right.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

3 years

Love is eating the accidentally burnt pieces of bacon so the wife and kids don’t have to.

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@mahnamematt

3 years

Sent my wife this picture, then made the grave mistake of showing up at the house after work.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

10 months

Both of my cars have seat warmers in them and I’ve never used them because I’m always hot but ladies and gentlemen my life changed this morning, my back feels incredible after my commute to work this morning.

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@mahnamematt

3 years

Hello? Yes, I’d like to know how to turn down the diva level in my 8yo. Thanks, A Concerned Dad

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@mahnamematt

2 years

I told my 4yo we didn’t have any ice cream and he quickly responded “yes we do I found it in the back of the freezer!” That was mine and the wife’s stash.

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@mahnamematt

2 years

My 4yo just called his sister “bro.” He called his mama “bro.” He called me “bro.” He called the computer “bro.” He called his cup “bro.” I guess we are at that stage now.

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@mahnamematt

3 years

My 3yo just took my bag and started walking through the house. When I told him it was my bag, he told me “we gonna share this bag.” I had no response.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

11 months

My wife texted me that she wanted a new diamond wedding ring for Christmas and I told her that’s a funny way to spell vacuum cleaner so if y’all don’t hear from me later just know i lived a good life.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

8 months

My 10yo daughter is about that age where they start having drama with the other girls I guess so now when she gets in the car everyday it’s something different so I’m sure she’ll never hit her word limit holy hell can someone help me.

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@mahnamematt

2 years

4yo informed me that he wants to be a doctor and a circus clown when he grows up.

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@mahnamematt

11 months

Current status: wrapping Christmas presents while eating leftover Halloween candy we hid from the kids.

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@mahnamematt

11 months

If someone shows up at my house with kinetic sand as gifts for my kids I’m whooping every adults ass in the room.

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@mahnamematt

3 years

This winter weather be like, “and one more thing, you sonofabitch!”

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@mahnamematt

3 years

Today, I’m thankful for the neighbor dad. If not for seeing his trash cans at the road, I’d have forgotten today is trash day.

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@mahnamematt

2 years

This isn’t our first rodeo.

Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

3 years

The escape artist…

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@mahnamematt

3 years

Long road trip with young kids. 0/10, do not recommend.

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@mahnamematt

2 years

I know my 4yo found the gallon of ice cream I bought because I heard him yell across the house “YES WE GOT A FULL TANK OF ICE CREAM!!”

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@mahnamematt

1 year

Working on the day after Thanksgiving should be added to the list of deadliest sins.

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@mahnamematt

2 years

My wife called me by my full name this morning and I’m still shook up about it 10 hrs later.

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@mahnamematt

3 years

Daddy/daughter dance was a complete success. They were too embarrassed to dance with us dads, so we had plenty of time to discuss spring yard and garden strategies.

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@mahnamematt

2 years

Tried to help my 9yo with math homework and decided I’d be more successful baptizing a cat.

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@mahnamematt

3 years

Until I became a parent, I never really knew how little sleep I could actually go on. 🤷🏼‍♂️

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@mahnamematt

3 years

Last night in the Mexican restaurant: What my 4yo said: I need my fork and knife! What the whole restaurant heard: I NEED MY FUCKING KNIFE!

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

I sneezed at the gas pump this morning and a lady a couple pumps over started laughing and said “that’s a dad sneeze if I ever heard one.”

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@mahnamematt

2 years

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning: My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

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@mahnamematt

2 years

I was right once and made my wife admit I was right and now I’m scared to eat or drink anything she brings me can somebody give me guidance please?!

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@mahnamematt

9 months

My 5yo just warned me that I better get his momma some flowers and chocolates for balentines day next month.

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@mahnamematt

1 year

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.” Me: rough day, buddy? 5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

Update: he’s been found!

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@mahnamematt

3 years

Wife whispered in my ear to do that thing she likes. So we loaded up and I’m taking her to Target.

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@mahnamematt

3 years

I just want someone to look at me the way my wife looks at the Target website.

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@mahnamematt

3 years

Vacation calories don’t count, right?

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@mahnamematt

2 years

4yo screamed from his room that he needed room service. What kinda joint does he think this is?

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@mahnamematt

2 years

“The cheese drawer is empty,” is a phrase that will never be said in my house.

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@mahnamematt

3 years

I just a absentmindedly told my wife to shut up somebody help me oh shit oh shit!

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@mahnamematt

3 years

If I’m eating tacos tonight, does that mean I can add eggs and call them breakfast tacos in the morning?

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@mahnamematt

3 years

Tax refund: hits bank. Me, at the gas station: Bout to fill this bitch up.

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@mahnamematt

2 years

My 4yo’s favorite color is Cheeto dust.

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@mahnamematt

3 years

3 has discovered he can roar like a dinosaur and I’m gonna need more bourbon to deal with that shit.

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@mahnamematt

2 years

He really is the goodest boy.

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@mahnamematt

2 years

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

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@mahnamematt

6 months

Fixed a bowl of Raisin Bran this morning and my daughter was like “look mom he’s eating his old man cereal.”

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@mahnamematt

3 years

Did I do this right?

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@mahnamematt

9 months

Wanted to see my 10yo so I reset the internet router to bring her out of her lair.

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@mahnamematt

3 years

3yo, eating jalapeño chips yesterday: these are hot! *eats another* HOT, THESE ARE HOT!!! *eats another* 3yo today: I want more jalapeño chips. I remind him about yesterday. Looked me dead in my face and said “Give. Me. More.”

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@mahnamematt

2 years

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

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Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸

@mahnamematt

2 years

I drove my 9yo mad last night by acting like I had no idea what a Minecraft is.

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