Lindsay Theisen @lindsaytheis Twitter profile

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

2 years

Being a straight woman is wild because you have to date your only natural predator.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

Whenever I suspect someone doesn’t like me I’m extra nice to them like good luck talking shit about how I told you I loved your jacket you fucking bitch.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

Proud of Samantha for leaving such a toxic friend group.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

2 years

They should make a multi-vitamin that’s a cigarette.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

People in their thirties discussing TikTok:

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Only someone on Adderall would suggest cleaning a forest.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

6 years

I know you’re not supposed to have heroes but this girl fucked my guy friend after a comedy show & then told him she didn’t think his standup was funny.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

Miss when being a millennial meant you were young.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

One hour of socializing sober is the equivalent of six hours of socializing drunk.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

People in the south will be like “New Yorkers are so rude” & then indoor dine at Applebee’s during a pandemic.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Can not believe that the future of our democracy is currently in the hands of people who chose to live permanently in Las Vegas.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

HPV really prepared me for getting vaccinated against something I’m still gonna get twice.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

Want to reincarnated as the pet of a wealthy childless millennial.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

“Date yourself” no thank you I am a nightmare.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Just realized that in a week people born in the year 2000 can buy alcohol in case anyone needed a new reason to be upset.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

Every girl I went to high school with has two kids & a pyramid scheme.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

If I ever join your Instagram live know that it was an accident.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Hate to say this but this is how we will get enough ventilators.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

10 months

Uber driver asked me if he could follow me on IG so he could see my comedy & then liked a picture of me in a bikini from two years ago.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

2 years

That shit was so insane Nicole Kidman’s face moved.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

8 months

Jimmy Carter’s hospice tonight.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

When guys I slept w/ half a decade ago watch my stories it is rude & when they don’t watch my stories it is also rude.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

2 years

Wrote a tweet about how men can be really scary to women that went viral & I have never been more terrified to read replies.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Crazy that we can cancel comedians over old tweets & not the fucking cops who murdered Breonna Taylor for *murdering Breonna Taylor*

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

11 months

Anyone who is mean to Meghan Markle can enjoy hell.

Alexis is sowing discord in the West

@ArchewellBaby

11 months

Watching Jennifer Aniston getting cooked after she's spent years liking anti- Meghan Markle hate accounts on Instagram 🙂

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

My mother in her thirties - drinking because of the children in her house Me in my thirties - drinking because of the children in the White House

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

2 years

Realized that if America ever became a theocracy we’d have people who believe in the end of days with their finger on the nuclear button.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

My impression of Los Angeles is that it’s like a hot girl who is constantly having a meltdown.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

If you feel comfortable taking selfies while committing a crime you’re not oppressed.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

7 months

Weird how Republicans thinks everything should be decided by the states until the thing the states decide is that Trump is ineligible to run again.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

2 years

Really hope I never get terminal cancer because I don’t wanna have to live life to the fullest for six months.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

This election makes Uncut Gems feel relaxing.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Haven’t seen everyone collectively melt down like this since that time Instagram was down for four hours.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

6 years

2015 - “I’d vote for a woman just not *that* woman.” 2019 - “Not that woman either.”

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

The worst thing Trump has done is make me agree w/ Meghan McCain.

Meghan McCain

@MeghanMcCain

5 years

What is this thing everywhere where tough women who don’t put up with shit are “unhinged”?! Nancy looks like a bad bitch in control of a room entirely filled with men!

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Pretty fucked up that my jeans are tight just because I spent the past three months soaking myself in red wine & pizza.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

Should be illegal for it to ever be March again.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

My therapist wants me to do volunteer work but I’m too tired so I’ve just been liking a lot of stuff on Instagram.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

6 years

I’m not ashamed of the number of men I’ve slept w/ but I am ashamed of the number of men I’ve slept w/ who own Patagonia vests.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Walter White would wear a mask but Tony Soprano would not.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

9 months

L: Me on a date with a 25 y/o R: Me on a date with a 45 y/o

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

6 years

Wish men would spend less time learning how to play acoustic guitar and more time learning how to make women cum.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Can’t believe the pandemic robbed me of the one time of the year I get to make stilted conversation w/ my cousins.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Running at night is dangerous but so is sitting at home alone with your thoughts month nine of a pandemic.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

Woman working at Dunkin’ Donuts called me her sweetheart & idk how to tell her she’s my mother now.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

They say not to make any major changes to your life the year after you stop drinking which is why I’ve decided to stay unhappy.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

Guy: How tall are you? Me: I’m 5’7 Guy: No you’re 5’8 Me: ... Guy: I’m 6’4 Me: Why do you think I’m still here.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

2 years

Impressed by anyone who hasn’t had to double their anti-depressants this year.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

2 years

Of course it’s not all men but it is enough men that every woman I know has anxiety.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Can’t believe when my mother was my age she had three kids & a functioning democracy.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Tiffany has been suspiciously quiet since we found out her dad was poor.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

Can not believe we ever took the subway without masks.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

Starting to think that the government designed 200 plus years ago by slave owners might be flawed.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

The world has ended like eight times this year.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

America is the world’s Florida.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

My favorite part of this year has been watching people well into their thirties have meltdowns because teenagers called them lame.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Hardest I have laughed since March 12:

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

Had a positive PCR on Monday & a negative PCR on Tuesday which means I’ve spent 350 dollars to have no idea whether or not I have COVID.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Learned that you don’t have to leave your apartment to get drunk & lose your debit card.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

So hot out that I’m drinking water.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Never met a woman who men thought smiled the right amount.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Huge day for fans of Maya Rudolph.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

2 years

Honoring my 17 y/o cat’s memory by laying in the same spot for twenty hours straight.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Georgia reopening:

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

2 years

If you’re a man who told me in 2016 after Trump won that Roe would never be overturned I’m ready for my apology now.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

11 months

Sincerity is lame but I’m really proud of myself.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

2 years

Do you know insane you have to be for the *Catholic Church* to call you out.

Occupy Democrats

@OccupyDemocrats

2 years

BREAKING: The Vatican calls out American pro-lifers for cherrypicking the Bible on abortion, reminds them that pro-life “also means being concerned about the mortality rates of women” who give birth and “defending life against the threat of firearms.” RT IF THE VATICAN IS RIGHT!

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Someone got their Adderall back:

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Therapy should really be mandatory for men.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

7 years

Can't believe @IvankaTrump is only 5 years older than me but she runs a business, is married w/ 3 kids & has committed treason.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

Me: I’m anxious about aging. Everyone: Quit drinking & smoking. Me: I’m gonna buy $250 eye cream.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

There needs to be a word for when you’re starving but would also rather die than eat any of the food in your kitchen.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

Can’t be sexually attracted to someone unless there are at least four major red flags.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Pretty suspicious of anyone who isn’t deeply depressed right now.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

To be fair at times they both sound like they’re defending some shitty guy they shouldn’t be fucking to their friends.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Using a paper straw feels like mopping the ocean.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Why are they treating these terrorists like a group of wasted hot girls who don’t want to leave the bar???

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

10 months

Could easily be on my phone less if I started drinking again.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

My dad: Go change no one wants to look at your boobs. Me: That has not been my experience.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

Really wish COVID was the first time I was sweating test results because I went to a party.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

Love that my mother isn’t 100 percent certain that I leave my apartment. #NYCblackout #nycpoweroutage

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

2 years

My 17 y/o cat is being put to sleep tomorrow so I made sure she spent the day doing all her favorite things like lying on the radiator for twelve hours straight & vomiting on my duvet cover.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

When my male friends try to fuck me? Rude. When my male friends don’t try to fuck me? Also rude.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

Weird that people of color are in jail for low level drug offenses while the white men who have forced me to watch them play acoustic guitar roam free.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Love that cancelling plans is now patriotic.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

2 years

My anxiety is fighting my anti-depressants & winning.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

6 years

Never read the Da Vinci Code but I imagine it’s a lot like when I piece together what I did last night using Uber receipts.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

Don’t know what to do during this quarantine because I’ve already gotten a dog & developed a drinking problem.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

Some of the girls I went to high school w/ are so annoying on Facebook it’s like dude we get it your husband died.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

My mother always told me I’d get fat in my thirties so now every time I go home I flex on her by wearing my prom dress to dinner.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

Arguing w/ my pro-life mother: Mother: How would you feel if I’d aborted you? Me: When have I ever once suggested I enjoy being alive.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

6 years

When I masturbate I like to think of all the times I've looked a man dead in the eyes & told him he wasn't funny.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

3 years

Being a human is so profoundly embarrassing.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

Everyone please stop telling me to download Bumble I’m a Pilates teacher w/ family money I’m not messaging men first.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Hate to brag but my friend & I were told we should start a podcast called “We’re Cunts.”

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Think it’s really tasteful for a 22 y/o billionaire to pose as Marie Antoinette when people are dying from lack of healthcare:

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Quarantine is going to separate the real blondes from the fake blondes.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Any screenplay set before March 2020 is a period piece.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

5 years

Just want a president who tweets less than an unemployed comedian.

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Lindsay Theisen

@lindsaytheis

4 years

Can’t stop thinking about how many Big Macs he must be shoveling down his throat rn.

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