one of gods favorites @leah_sampson1 Twitter profile

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

3 years

the gym isn’t a personality, eating pussy is

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

Normalize asking men if they eat pussy 3 min within meeting them

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

Got head last night from a bald guy I looked down & it looked like I was giving birth to a boiled egg

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

*downloads hinge* Hinge: David likes you! Me: I DONT GIVE AF

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

No new friends

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

Saving my butt hole for marriage

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

It’s the arrogance for me

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

Why don’t men understand that they’re supposed to die after we break up with them

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

A guy got kicked out of a bar yesterday bc he grabbed my ass so I slapped the shit out of him and told the bouncer who told him to leave. Then his friends said it was MY FAULT he got kicked out. To make things better this guy was a ...... wait for it..... wait....... a “comic”.

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

men be like : Feb. 13: tonight was fun Gnight Feb.14 : Feb.15 : hey you

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

Every time I make jokes about white people I lose followers. Good.

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

I date all men of all ethnicities because I don’t discriminate against money

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

Did a rape joke last night and this guy was like “ this is making me uncomfortable “ and im like haha yeah imagine being raped

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

TED CRUZ WENT ON VACATION IN MEXICO DURING A TEXAS SNOW STORM YET MY TOILET HAS 3 DAY OLD DOODOO IN IT ID LIKE SOME SUN & A MARGARITA TOO BITCH

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

I had a sex dream I was fucking Tom Hanks y’all please some body send me some fresh baked dick oh my lord, good morning tho

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

I look like this and mfs treat me like shit lmaoooooo

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

@kristoferthomas nah show her face I just wanna talk

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

I just booked my first national commercial :,)

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

1 year

👨🏾‍🤝‍👨🏼

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

3 years

Starting to tell men that want my attention “NO” more this year when I don’t want to give it to them. One time this old ass man was like “ I love you, will you come to my funeral” my answer was NO and I haven’t heard from my dad since

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

Austin Tx is white peoples Atlanta Ga. Joe rogan is y’all’s Tyler Perry.

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

No Chet Hanks you can’t have me! A thread

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@leah_sampson1

1 year

This 23 year old was trying to talk to me but didn’t have enough money for the restaurant I wanted to go to so I said no. He then was like “ you expect me to have money? Did YOU have money at 23?!” And I was like “I got an abortion at 23 so I at least had $800…”

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@leah_sampson1

2 years

Said something funny in conversation and this white dude started writing down what I said for his “script” & then got mad I kept calling him Elvis and asked for a check

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

@AliceRHamilton Oh heeelllllllllllll no. Both pictures are incredible but he was so out of line to completely disregard your professional headshot and go for the other. Good for you for dropping out ive been too for the same reason. Men r not ok.

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

Got to the airport at 4:30am - flight delayed 5 times, got into New York at 7pm, missed my show,got my phone robbed had to chase him & threaten his life to get it back. Got lost in the rain bc my phone died. didn’t get into my airnb till 1am. So Yeah y’all can cash app me summin

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

I don’t feel bad for short men like yeah your height is below average but statistically your pay isn’t cheer up little daddy

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

🗣New female comics : ADVICE : You do NOT need to follow every white guy that has “ comedian “ in their bio , lol trust me on this one.

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@leah_sampson1

2 years

I’m in Kansas

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

PSA: The effects of alcohol

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@leah_sampson1

1 year

This time last year I was in mentally abusive relationship, homeless, no job, depressed & probably had a chronic yeast infection. This week I’m doing Madison Square garden opening for Bill Burr. Moral of the story is yeast infections aren’t forever but hero’s & blessings are

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

Masterbated so hard I lost my car keys

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@leah_sampson1

2 years

Treating the queens death how white people treated Black Lives Matter I’m just sending out groups texts to my white friends like “ damn everything is so crazy right now hope you’re okay..”

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@leah_sampson1

2 years

My mom kicked me off the soccer team bc I made a 89 in math. She said “ we agreed A’s ONLY B’s were not the plan!” Which makes sense bc she has three different kids from three different fathers. Apparently B was never the plan or affordable

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

Who has a pool?

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

Y’all just be GIVING jobs to white people huh

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

Male comics really hate when I speak up about things they do that isn’t okay. How are you that sensitive when your hobby is hoping people laugh at a joke you made up when you were on the toilet. Yes I said hobby. Show me a check that says other wise.

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

@Rachel_Sennott Same but it was a McDonalds in Bushwhick and the “bouncer” was the janitor

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

3 years

I once had terrible sex with a guy who said he was great in bed. He was built and felt like a wet noodle. He was an impasta

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

This actually is an appropriate time for y’all to start crying

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

Not this white boy sending me “ happy holidays “ just now lmao throw the whole law away

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

Hi everybody 🧡

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

Last years costume : strong black lead max a million

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

4 years

in case you missed it

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

Yelling “ WE DID IT JOE “ when me and the white man im fucking both nut at the same time

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

4 years

No more shaving or waxing my pussy needs a BREAK these irritation bumps got my girl looking like a nestles crunch bar

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@leah_sampson1

2 years

I know I’m always cracking jokes about dark situations, but this actually really sucks.

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

This is more for me than it is for you

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

3 years

Today I got my vaccine, got great news from my agent, had strawberry margaritas with a good friend , got asked on a dinner date by a crush bought $50 make up for $10 bc I still had a gift card from my exes mom to Sephora & Finished a script. I still have asthma but today was nice

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

3 months

In high school kids would tease me bc I had a pixie cut and would say I looked like “That black Popeyes lady” I’d also get sent to detention for “ Making the class laugh causing disruption” Here’s me doing a @Popeyes commercial for @ComedyCentral 12 years later. They were right

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

4 years

The app that’s meant to be deleted 💜

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

3 years

I hate when white ppl be like “ I can’t be racist I have a black child with a black person “ yeah so did Thomas Jefferson

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

3 years

LOL y’all white men on dating apps are SAD and they let you know like what are you white women doing to them?? Keep doing it 😂

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

6 years

Male comics dress like everyday is laundry day

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

4 years

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo we just gonna stop taking about black people getting hung in 2020

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

5 years

If you know phone numbers by heart you've been to jail too many times

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

3 years

Y’all remember when the government gave us $1200 for the whole YEAR!??!? LMAOOOOOOGAGAHABAHAHAHANAUDBEIDKEMSIMAMAAOOOOOO

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

2 years

Bitch I’m burtiful

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

2 years

My pussy is like ketamine because it be controlling that horse meat

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@leah_sampson1

2 years

ugh

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

I only bought weed from this guy because I wanted to FUCK HIM but the fact he made me buy the weed showed me he didn’t want to fuck ME

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

4 years

If you fuck me and ask “ whos is it “ Ima ride the dick and spell “ blue cross blue shield “

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

I miss when auditions were in person

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

3 years

I’m hot as fuck candidly and I just ( drunkingly ) want everyone to know

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

“ you’re not as funny as you think you are” “ you won’t have a strong set until your 10th year in comedy “ “ you’re funny but you need to be smarter with your jokes “ What are somethings a 40 year man has told you during your comedy career?

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

My asthma medication ( that I need everyday to live for the last 12 years ) is $500 without health insurance. I have to choose between breathing or rent & paying for either one fucking SUCKS FAT RHINO DICK. Subscribe to my onlyfans or buy my merch or cash app me if you’d like😬🤡

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

4 years

He and his friends were also all white and kept making racial jokes about me accusing me of being from the hood talking about my “chocolate black pussy” and when I checked them about it they said “ you have thick skin you can handle it “ so then I left before I caused a scene

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@leah_sampson1

1 year

@theashleyray Not the woe is me “ I can’t be an asshole because you’re black right” line chilleeeeee what in the January 6th

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

**me during sex*** ...,Wait hold on... I think my tweet is doing numbers

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

3 years

Anytime I call a man f*nny it’s immediately followed by “ not funnier than me tho.... “

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

This guy called me “ exhausting “ because I was making jokes LMAO y’all really hate women having a personality/speaking/breathing. Go fuck some plants not me

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

7 months

moving to New York tomorrow 🥲🤙🏾

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@leah_sampson1

2 years

I remember I was at the comedy store & Chris Delia went on stage & he opens with “ everyone thinks great comics had a bad childhood or have some kind of addiction” then he’s like “ nah man I grew up great! I’m good! Haha!” His vice was children & his addiction is being a predator

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@leah_sampson1

11 months

I SAID NIGGA AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN TONIGHT AND CRUSHED MY ANCESTORS ARE CRIP WALKING RN!!!!!!

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one of gods favorites

@leah_sampson1

3 years

Y’all love attacking black women on our sexuality and sexual expression but the little mermaid dead ass gave up her voice to chase some on land dick

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

what would you do if you walked into your room and this girl was stealing all of your shit

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

can we still make fun of white people?

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

Sherley nipple & Lil red ridin dick in the hood

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

They just be giving ANYONE a girlfriend now

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

“ say something funny “ um sir do you have a mic for me, 7 people to watch and 2 drink tickets I DONT THINK SO

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@leah_sampson1

2 years

I’m still banned

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

My new identity is latex

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

I’m too talented for dick give me a charcuterie board

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

Then the door guy said that only ugly black women get killed by the police not attractive ones.

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@leah_sampson1

5 years

Depression is real no matter how fat your ass is

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

Can I post these or do I need to wait till we have a president?

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@leah_sampson1

4 years

This is America.

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@leah_sampson1

1 year

“she has a great personality” - the devil

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

I’m attracted to men that look like they can’t handle cheese or the truth

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

Moved to Austin for Joe rogan 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

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@leah_sampson1

10 months

IM NOT FREAKING OUT YOURE FREAKING OUT best convo I’m so happy for y’all to see what’s coming next

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

How do y’all have sex sober? That shit is embarrassing

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

If you’re a heterosexual man do not ever call me “ Bitch” or “ Bishh” those are for the girlies and gay men with glittery lip gloss

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@leah_sampson1

2 years

I had a pregnancy scare with a guy who was a ginger with diabetes, his father had ALS, his grandma had breast cancer & his mom was a cunt. I have an immune disorder & chronic asthma. If we had a kid our family photos would have looked like the opening scene of The Oblongs

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@leah_sampson1

3 years

damn I left the pussy at home my bad

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