julia @juliashiplett Twitter profile

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

Woman who doesn’t get how bragging works

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

iPhone Photos will make a lil movie of the saddest month of your life w/o your permission

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

“Why don’t you want to have kids?” *motions hysterically in every direction*

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

2020: omg we’re entering hell 2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

I’d be a terrible couples therapist. I’d just be like “have you considered breaking up?”

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

I went to church almost every Sunday for 14 years and can I be honest? I was not listening

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Honestly haven’t decided whether I’m going to re-enter society like this or like this

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

Wish my therapist occasionally responded with “yeah that shit’s fucked up”

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

As a teen in my 30s I—-

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

What are your fav romcoms where the two people don’t end up together besides my best friend’s wedding

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

I’m 35. I’m getting cringy and corny. I’m doing things I know younger friends think are deeply embarrassing. I love it here. I am free.

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

If you ask me ‘how are you’ I’ll say p good, but if you ask me ‘are you ok’ I will fully spiral out

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Straight men will go on the vacation of a lifetime and not tell or show a single soul

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

I don’t wanna die but I would like to rest in peace if that makes sense

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

My midwestern ass loves screaming thank you when leaving literally any establishment

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Normalize quitting an at-home workout nine minutes in because you’d rather do literally anything else

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

I cannot spend another minute thinking about my breakup from two and a half years ago the pandemic needs to end now

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Womanhood in four frames ❤️

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

I don’t have time to read books or watch movies I only have time to watch 13 hrs of disjointed, chaotic content that leaves me feeling deeply anxious and alone

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

A reminder you can absolutely be racist towards people you want to have sex with and having sex with people of a different race does not automatically negate your racism towards them

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

In my bread era (I’ve been eating a lot of bread lately)

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Lol we’re all just walking by each other having quiet panic attacks

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

At this point my iud is purely decorative

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

This isn’t gonna work out

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Damn work is really getting in the way of my life

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julia

@juliashiplett

6 years

Look Queer Eye is great but of course it took a group of men to get a guy to listen to the same advice a woman's probably given him for 15 years

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

How is anyone productive while having emotions

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

“Peloton!! Moderna!! It’s suppertime!!!” - me in 2034 calling my children in for suppertime

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

I adore taking 74 photos of a singular flower and then never looking at them ever again

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

After seeing Malala’s husband, I too have decided to become an international activist and Nobel Prize laureate

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Twitter bios are not for professional credits and accolades. They’re for lies, secrets and threats.

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

‘Epic’ is ‘iconic’ in straight

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

“I would have never guessed you’re from the Midwest” is code for “you’re a huge bitch”

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julia

@juliashiplett

7 years

Men: Sexual consent is confusing sometimes Women: I've apologized to a cardboard cutout after bumping into it

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julia

@juliashiplett

5 years

legally speaking a brewery tour is a straight pride parade

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

Happy holidays I accidentally made pussy pie

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Being invited to plans I can’t make: oh well, maybe next time Finding out about plans I wasn’t invited to but can’t make anyway: Hi I’d like to report a hate crime

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

I’m basically sober except for when I drink alcohol or smoke weed

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

How about you stop asking me if I want a “printer-friendly” version and start telling printers to make an effort for once in their fucking life

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

this dude sent me a screenshot of how I’m saved in his phone to be flirty (??) My name is spelled wrong and Hide Alerts is turned on hahahahahahaha

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

Wives of male comedians deserve to get the vaccine first

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

This week is ours <3

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

I’ve never met frances mcdormand and I still feel like she’s mad at me

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Nothing says depression like coming home from the store with nothing but tulips and a whole rotisserie chicken

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

“The cicadas are coming? Honey, at least someone is!!!” [Samantha voice]

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julia

@juliashiplett

5 years

Every white woman at a bar

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

No idea how I ever had the time for a job, social life or relationship before the pandemic. Between getting groceries, making food and then cleaning up, there goes the whole damn day.

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

If I were Timmy, I’d be like ‘wait, u can’t post that one’

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Ppl sharing they have COVID in Dec 2020: I regret to inform everyone that my greatest fear has come true and my test results came back positive People sharing they have COVID in Dec 2021: I got da covfefe 😂😂😂🥴🥴🥴😝🤷‍♀️✌️

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Have you ever wanted to text someone “hey just checking but do you want me dead”

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Where my Hoka heads at

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

There comes a time in every woman's quarantine when she must start the Sopranos

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Because things aren’t bad enough

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

Currently transitioning from thinking everyone is mad at me to being mad at everyone else ! It’s called growth babe look it up

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Friends with jobs: at least I’m working rn Friends in relationships: at least I have someone rn Me, deeply single and unemployed:

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

Every single bad decision you make right now is self care ✨

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

Literally considering going to bed early from now on just so my days can like be over

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julia

@juliashiplett

5 years

Which historical dictator are you

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

This is the hottest thing I’ve ever seen

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

The first person to ever cut open then taste a watermelon must have been like “ummm YOU GUYS”

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Sometimes I think about when I was in line for the porta-potty at pitchfork 10 yrs ago, a man came out of one licking an ice cream cone and one hundred people collectively screamed

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Awww love when my brother just wants to say hi 🥰

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

The press around Don’t Worry Darling and the movie itself had a lot of parallels… like Florence Pugh knows something the rest of us don’t and Gemma Chan just quietly dissociated while white chaos unfolded around her the whole time

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

My hot little 8-year-old fiancée is out there somewhere, I just know it

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julia

@juliashiplett

5 years

The most realistic thing about marriage story imo is how everyone in LA has terrible vertical blinds

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

I auditioned to play Pete Davidson's little sister in The King of Staten Island. I am six years older than Pete Davidson.

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Do I wanna get married or do I just want a wedding? Do I want a wedding or do I just want a big party celebrating my love w someone? Do I want a big party celebrating my love w someone or do I just want an exciting cocktail hour that's all about me? Wait I want a book launch

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

The new Fuck, Marry, Kill is Defund, Reform, Abolish

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

School? On Sunday too?? Let us children rest!!!!

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

I’m at the point in 2020 where I would like to take the green pills from the queen’s gambit

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

He’s losing confidence with every message

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

“I just prefer women who don’t wear a lot of makeup” - man whose entire face is hidden by hair and has never been seen publicly without a hat

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

My favorite part about going to the beach is walking silently into the ocean

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Nervous…

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

I say “let’s fucking goooo” before I shove my vibrator under the covers

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

I think I’m finally open to being in a relationship. I’m absolutely not gonna take any steps to make that happen, just announcing I’m open to the idea.

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

I’m in hell

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

There’s something very chic about being a divorcée, you sign a few papers and suddenly you’re French

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Diarrhea could be a beautiful baby name if you let it be

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

Ok but some of you have very broad definitions of “com”

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Andrew Yang just broke into my apt and yelled "Ah yes nothing like Katz' Delicatessen!!!!"

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

Happy bi week y’all 🌈 I came out two years ago and can safely say I’m horrible at dating ppl of all genders 💖

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

𝓦omen 𝓐re 𝓟erfect

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

And I would like to “find” $11,780 in my bank account

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

I found out what’s worse in comedy than getting heckled: hearing someone talk shit about you on zoom when they don’t realize they’re unmuted 😀

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

No one told me how much sighing SLAPS in your 30s

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

As a single, unemployed, childless 30-something with a month-to-month lease, I gotta say there are some perks to being a loser these days

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

We should be able to jump each other’s phones like cars

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

“Hey I’m actually bedridden, emotionally depleted and in financial ruin after pride but I’d love to meet up in the fall”- every woman I’m messaging w on hinge

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

I just got a residual check for $0.00 Which means someone spent money on postage to let me know that I made no money hahahahahahahaha I love this chosen path

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

Every woman with curly medium length hair has figured out how good she looks with shaggy bangs this summer and collectively it’s been powerful

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julia

@juliashiplett

2 years

Also gimme more gay stuff

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

Me as a guest on a podcast hosted by male best friends who really didn’t need me there

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

I hope we study what March 2020 - 2021 has done to our brain chemistry

Netflix

@netflix

3 years

Sexy Beasts is a new dating show where real-life singles sport elaborate makeup and prosthetics to put true blind-date chemistry to the test.

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julia

@juliashiplett

3 years

If you feel threatened by a woman and are not sure why, have you considered maybe you just wanna go down on her

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julia

@juliashiplett

4 years

Damn just realized when I tell protesting friends to stay safe, I mean from the cops

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julia

@juliashiplett

5 years

Fun fact: My Chinese side has called me Ju Loy since I was a baby, which I always assumed was short for Julia. I recently found out it means Pig Girl. My family has been calling me Pig Girl to my face for 30 years.

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