john patrick: future president @john_from_hr Twitter profile

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

3 years

she’s gonna be so happy 🥲

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@john_from_hr

5 years

The grape they did surgery on is addicted to painkillers now. Wake up America.

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@john_from_hr

3 years

coolest part about starting a new job is the immunity to disease you get for 3 months till you get sick days

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@john_from_hr

4 years

women will study Immanuel Kant but they Kant get imman to treat them uel

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@john_from_hr

4 years

yo FUCK ratatouille. put a rat in my hat and he made me rob a liquor store. the cop do NOT believe me.

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@john_from_hr

4 years

my girls vibrator died so i’m about to drink a coffee, take an adderall, and go crazy.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

4 years

I love IPA’s with cute flavors added, the hint of mango almost makes me forget that it tastes like dog piss

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@john_from_hr

5 years

you’re either hot or you know how to use semi-colons properly; there’s no in-between.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

I failed at 9 start ups. Got fired from two companies. Quit three jobs without notice. Failed out of college. Lost all my money on a bad investment. And now I do not have any money.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

6 years

Girl: Rearrange my 𝓰𝓾𝓽𝓼 daddy Surgeon: Why isn’t she under anesthesia Anesthesiologists: She’s under so much anesthesia

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

The two genders

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@john_from_hr

1 year

i know it’s sexist but when i see a skeleton i immediately think man. I’m aware women can die, it just hurts to think that it’s true.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

Any girls wanna come over and watch me play guitar hero on medium

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@john_from_hr

5 years

If a girl tells you your dick is small, just remember her dick is literally zero inches long. Stay humble kings.

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@john_from_hr

5 years

If ur dating a republican ur single to me, what’s Grayson gonna do, keep the baby?

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

6 years

The second David Archuleta lost American idol I knew democracy was a flawed system

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

letting my girl put her finger up my butt so I can find out her ring size

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

3 years

they didn’t check my bag

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

11 months

tried salmon. i get what these bears have been on about for millennia.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

A white dad would let their daughter date a serial killer if he had a firm handshake and liked IPAs

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@john_from_hr

5 years

Weirdest. Protest. Ever.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

4 years

my theory on chance the rapper is that he does those little screams because he’s scared of rapping

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

4 years

there’s only one burger king, and his name is jesus christ.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

Hell yeah Neil you sure showed those *checks notes* victims of a mass shooting

Neil deGrasse Tyson

@neiltyson

5 years

In the past 48hrs, the USA horrifically lost 34 people to mass shootings. On average, across any 48hrs, we also lose… 500 to Medical errors 300 to the Flu 250 to Suicide 200 to Car Accidents 40 to Homicide via Handgun Often our emotions respond more to spectacle than to data.

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@john_from_hr

4 years

While you were out fucking girls I was in the library, fucking books.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

So much for “when you’re here you’re family”

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@john_from_hr

5 years

women love it when you interject with a 40 minute long uninteresting story in the middle of them trying to say something

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@john_from_hr

3 years

i wish i loved anything as much as the charmin bears love wiping their ass

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

3 years

I think miso soup is hilarious because it’s right, it is so soup

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

*knock knock* Woman: who’s there Interrupting cow Woman: Interrupting cow who? Interrupting cow: Ma’am this is Lt. Colonel Interrupting cow, I was your husband’s commanding officer in Libya. I’m afraid I have some bad news. Woman: Oh my God wh— Interrupting cow: Moo

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

noticed the “spit in my mouth” crowd shut up 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋 fast

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

just learned that “oomf” stands for “one of my friends” and not the sound you make when you run into a table

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

Mike’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad lemonade

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

If you’re hiring at your start up DM me I have a lot of experience.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

4 years

Faking orgasms as a dude is so fun she’ll be like “where’s the cum” and I’ll be like “what’s cum”

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@john_from_hr

3 years

killer headline right here

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@john_from_hr

4 years

Humans should have evolved skin that peels off like a snakes. You ever see a snake with acne and eczema? no. it’s the ultimate form of exfoliation.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

i’m trying to diet for the new year but i keep gaining weight, can y’all help me out? this is what i eat. - apples (70 calories) - ground turkey (167 calrories) - brown rice (216 calories) - the rich (81,500 calories per “person”) - romain lettuce with dressing (165 calories)

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

I miss when gingerbread men had big swinging cocks and hairy gumdrop balls 😔

The Mirror

@DailyMirror

5 years

Cafe replaces gingerbread men with 'gender neutral gingerbread person'

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

6 years

Cop: Surely you know why I pulled you over Me: Nope Cop: You're drinking out of a flask in broad daylight Me: oh don’t worry it’s milk Cop: *draws his gun* step out of the fucking car

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

Dudes will play super smash bros ultimate but ultimately won’t let their super bros smash.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

@macsweeper The twelve genders

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

Doctors HATE him. and so does EVERYONE ELSE. his name is ME and I DONT KNOW what i’m DOING WRONG.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

6 years

Wow this is popping off, if you’re my dad please come home

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

Don’t trust women they’ll leave crumbs in your bed Don’t trust women they’ll leave crumbs in your bed Don’t trust women they’ll leave crumbs in your bed Don’t trust women they’ll leave crumbs in your bed Don’t trust women they’ll leave crumbs in your bed

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

okay take your age. multiply it by 2. now subtract 3. add your birth month, then subtract the number of letters in your first name. look at my header and be amazed.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

4 years

*Gunshot* Jackie Kennedy: did you hear something? JFK if he was 5’8: nope

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@john_from_hr

3 years

my dad was a whole ass vibe back then

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

why does it always rain on those who deserve the sun 😔

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

6 years

Renting - expensive - waste of money - have to deal with landlord Living in the woods - 100% free - lots of forest friends - only landlord is Fjörgyn, Norse Goddess of the Earth

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

Did you know you need to have a masters to be a librarian? Imagine going to 8 years of school just to stop me from moaning while I read erotic fiction.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

4 years

playing truth or dare as a kid wasn’t fun, you had to choose truth or the other 8 years olds would dare you to do crimes that violated the geneva convention

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

3 years

If this flag offends you, it’s time to do some history research.

PragerU

@prageru

3 years

If this flag offends you, it's time to do some history research.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

6 years

Therapy -Expensive -Years of hard work -Emotionaly draining -Tough to find Screaming in the woods -Free -Immediate relief -Scares hunters enough to leave therefore saving innocent animals -Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

3 years

y’all think elton john forgot the word astronaut and thought “fuck it rocket man’s close enough”

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

3 years

wait is it eavesdropping or eezedropping?? haha I don’t know either way your parents are separating

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

you can’t spell depression without penis

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

Me: I wish jazz was spelt jasp like in raspberry. Genie: okay done Me: next I wish for world peace Genie: that’s impossible now

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

Where’s baggage claim for people who aren’t dying

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

3 years

to whoever followed me off this tweet you’re literally one in a million

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

My roommate and I found an old apple computer in an alley and we brough it back to our place and plugged it in and IT. WORKS.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

mr. peanut had information about the death of princess diana

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

6 years

He’s the man of your dreams but his name is Chauncey. Would you still smash?

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

4 years

hate it when my mom calls me her “little man”. I’m not little. I’m 5’8. that’s almost average height.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

4 years

the word fjord goes pretty hard

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

4 years

tried to apply for disability but it turns out being “5’8” isn’t “debilitating enough”

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@john_from_hr

3 years

yeah there is 😍😍😍

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

No Roxanne don’t put on the red light your so sexy aha 🙈

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

Women will say you look like Sheen from Jimmy Neutron and then get mad when you start crying

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

3 years

if you showed shrek to a man from the 1800’s he would die in a matter of seconds

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

6 years

Me: so I was thinking tha... Twitter: no like Ted Bundy was a really hot guy Me: so I..... Twitter: no like I would fuck Ted Bundy

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

1 year

@dewingthemost thursday is a “me” day i’ve got a mad busy week

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

3 years

my brother in drag vs. me in drag

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

3 years

gonna start saying oh bother like i’m winnie the fuckin pooh

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

it’s okay to change. it’s okay to grow. it’s okay to catfish 5 children into coming to your chocolate factory and maiming 4 of them for life. it’s okay to be yourself.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

women be like “in 2020 i’m summoning good vibes”. well i summoned the Celtic Guardian. your field was wide open, i attack you directly. better luck next year, bitch.

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

4 years

Jeff Bezos stepping down? he better step UP on a lil baby stool with his 5’7 ass. maybe then his wife will take him back.

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@john_from_hr

1 year

@JULIA_YDG yeah that’s a dude for sure. apologies.

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@john_from_hr

4 years

@MeGustaJoshua

Philosophy - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

When we’re together, anything’s possible.

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@john_from_hr

4 years

this had to be said

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

Does IBS stand for I Be Shittin

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

4 years

women love it when you cum fast cause it gives them more time to fight injustice

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

4 years

comment and i’ll tell you what pokémon i think you are

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

How do you think Sir Mix-a-lot got his knighthood

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

I watched Titanic when I was really young but my parents made me skip the nude scene because in a movie where thousands of people drown in a dark endless ocean the most traumatizing thing is Kate Winslet’s titties

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr

5 years

Atheists be like on cap no god

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john patrick: future president

@john_from_hr