Joel Jeffrey @joeljeffrey Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Joel Jeffrey

3 days

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

4 months

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I'm quite clearly dilly dallying

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

11 years

Grammar makes a difference... I punched my grandma in the face Or I punched, my grandma, in t,he face I don't know what I'm doing

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

9 years

[At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record? Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette *hires me instantly

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

9 years

[buying treadmill] Me: Can I try it out first? Salesperson: Sure Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

11 years

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I'm enjoying it.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

4 months

There's no reason to be bored while flying on an airplane. Use that time to tell the person next to you your entire life story.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

I texted my girlfriend "goodnight, love you" but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

23 days

@DailyMail It’s crazy Jeff Bezos and Demi Moore ended up being friends with the diarrhea

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

13 years

I'm not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

13 years

Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me; its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

11 years

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an "X" instead of "Christ". I think it's time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

11 years

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

8 years

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

3 months

Do you want this free t-shirt? "hell no" What if I shoot it at you from this gun? "OMG YES!"

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

13 years

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times... you're probably a woman.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I dont get women.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

9 months

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

13 years

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify "alive"? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

8 years

My first workout back at the gym was great... I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

10 years

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it's acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

13 years

I hope Taylor Swift has a baby in 2012 so Kanye can run in the delivery room & tell everyone that Beyonce had the greatest baby of all time

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

4 months

Oj Simpson passed away today. I bet the Norm MacDonald jokes being told today in heaven are off the charts

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

3 months

If you put your phone down, get off social media, and actually have a real conversation with someone, you'll realize how brutal it is.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

29 days

@JUSTcatmeme Stephen Glocking

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

11 years

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I'm quite clearly dilly dallying

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

7 years

We’ll continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

10 years

My dad shouted "shut up idiots" to the cats. I told him "You're speaking English to a cat. You're the idiot. You have to meow at them."

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

1 year

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

6 months

[At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record? Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette *hires me instantly

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

13 years

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

1 year

I can’t believe China has been spying on the US with the same hi-tech technology that Remax has

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

9 years

People who mix up words like "accept" and "except" shouldn't be aloud on Twitter.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

8 years

Do you want this free t-shirt? "No thanks" What if I shoot it at you from this gun? "OMG HELL YES!"

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

8 years

I lost my job at Home Depot for walking around the store with a piece of banister offering people fresh ground pepper.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

7 months

When you realize the #EpsteinClientList isn’t coming out today

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

7 years

Tennis would be way more exciting if they used dogs for ball boys.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down... and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

9 years

These cargo pants might not be very fashionable, but what matters is that I have 19 hamsters in my pockets right now.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

13 years

Some guys refuse to date single moms who have little kids. I love dating them; they always have the best snacks like gushers in their purse.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

4 months

Me, continuing to post jokes as World War III gets started

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

10 years

Why don't they just get Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail?

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

8 months

Walmart say they accept competitor's coupons, but rejected me when I tried to use one for a 45 min back rub my wife gave me on my birthday

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

4 months

Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women Him: Now that he’s on the run, he should change his name to Flee Diddy. Haha I’m hilarious

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

6 years

I think one of the main reasons I’ve struggled with depression over the years is because not enough people told me to cheer up.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

7 years

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it's parked on the side of the road.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

2 months

Who decided to call it H5N2 bird flu and not cough-a-doodle-doo

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

9 years

Me: I can't come in. I got food poisoning last night. Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up? M: Yup B: What did you eat? M: 17 beers B: ...

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

3 months

I don’t mean to alarm you, but today is the day the Flash goes missing

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

7 months

🚨 Leaked footage of the silver alien attacking people in Miami 🚨

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

11 years

I don't like your tone of face

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

7 years

A friend of mine asked what it's like to have kids so I coughed directly into his mouth.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

1 year

CBC has been labelled as government funded media by twitter. CBC has said they disagree and will be making a detailed statement as soon as they receive one from Justin Trudeau’s office.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

4 months

*Strong man rips a phone book in half Me: That's amazing, where did you get a phone book?

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

6 years

I’m so angry at Facebook. I can’t believe they would leak my information after I signed up without reading any of the legal documentation, volunteered all the personal details about my life, and let them track my internet activity. How could they do this to me?

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

7 years

I just went outside to see what the weather was like, just like our ancestors used to.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

10 years

Wife: Can you vacuum today? Me: unfollow W: This isn't twitter. You can't do that M: block W: or that M: *cries W: that's more like it

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

1 year

@Lukewearechange They are shields for the airplane. I know this from playing arcade games in the 80s

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

1 year

@Bornakang How your mouth feels when you drink water after eating a breath mint

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

13 years

There are now online dating sites for seniors. I bet that "forgotten password" button is gonna get used a lot.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

4 years

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good... I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

11 years

Last night my wife and I watched 2 hours of cooking shows, then she hugged me and went to bed. I'm pretty sure I'm in the friend zone.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

10 years

My wife and I are dieting now... and by dieting, I mean we're not telling each other about the junk food we eat.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

10 years

Nice try football players, I can tell your eyebrows are fake because you drew them on below your eyes.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

10 years

I'm gonna start a business where I just sell Tupperware lids

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

9 years

In the 90s if a woman said "my eyes are up here" it was because a guy was staring at her chest Today it's because he's staring at his phone

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

7 years

Wife: Wanna have a sexy shower together? Me: Ok (2 mins later in shower) Wife: what are you doing? Me: (crying) oh sorry, force of habit

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

My passive aggressive way of telling my roommate to stop eating my food is putting up "missing" posters with a picture of my sandwich on it

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

9 years

When you're married, "Netflix and chill" means spending 3 hours looking for something to watch and then just going to bed.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

I saw a sign that said "bridge subject to icing" and I thought "that sounds delicious"

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

6 years

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

1 year

We went whale watching and one of the orcas had a teardrop tattoo

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

7 years

Me: *gets flu Wife: Stop whining, it’s just the man flu Me: *dies Wife: What a baby

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

8 years

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you're left all alone with a chocolate cake.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

8 years

Instead of correcting people's spelling mistakes, how about just letting it go and keeping the piece

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

4 years

Why do all the conspiracy theories have to be so negative? It’d be nice if one said “the government is using this time to plan a huge surprise keg party for everyone where we all get a million dollars” so we could all rally behind it.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

1 year

Not everything is a ripoff at Loblaws... you still can buy a cart and take it home for just a dollar (I have 8 in my front yard)

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

4 years

I’m glad we were able to reconnect on Facebook after 20 years. Anyway, here’s an invitation to like a page where I sell lotions.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

8 years

To the people who like to give serious advice in response to joke tweets -- thank you. You're doing important work here on Twitter.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

8 years

I bet the main reason you never hear about dogs becoming astronauts is because space is a vacuum.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

7 years

[me as a drug dealer] Me: wanna buy some acid? Guys: yeah, whaddya got? Me: I've got fatty, amino, and folic Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

4 years

People who write "could of" instead of "could have" should of listened more in English class.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

8 years

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

10 years

I'm glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

9 years

The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is working up the courage to go through her trash and get it.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

6 years

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

8 years

I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I'm eating pizza alone.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

12 years

Twitter is now worth $10 billion. Who knew broken dreams, shattered self esteems, and penis jokes could be worth so much!

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

10 years

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

4 years

When this pandemic is over, it’s going to be so refreshing to avoid people by choice again

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Joel Jeffrey

@joeljeffrey

8 years

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don't worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I'm good to go.

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