Joel @joelalanhart Twitter profile

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Joel

9 months

Need to remember that just because someone else's camera is off on Zoom doesn't mean that they can't see me rolling my eyes.

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Last Seen Profiles

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 years

Mostly I’m just imagining the shitshow that is 170K people on a conference call. “Hi, it sounds like about 14,600 of you aren’t on mute. Could everyone mute themselves please?” “Who’s speaking? Is that President Xi? Hello? Am I on?”

Liz Claman

@LizClaman

5 years

ALERT: Late night futures show extreme fear at this hour. While Dow futures are experiencing a jaw-dropping fall of -389 pts on reports China's Xi Xinping held a conference call w/ 170k gov't officials on the #CoronavirusOutbreak , all this could change by tomorrow so tune In 3pET

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

I read the Cal Cunningham sexts, and let me tell you . . . straight people apparently have NO IDEA what sexting is.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

@GrantGinder As one of the replies on the original tweet put it, "the no-est of no's".

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 years

@joesangweid @Chas10Buttigieg @PeteCity4 @PeteButtigieg This whole exchange is amazing. 🥰🥰🥰

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Joel

@joelalanhart

8 months

“Less than” no longer. Congratulations to my handsome husband @mpolikoff on his promotion to full professor!

Morgan Polikoff 🏳️‍🌈

@mpolikoff

8 months

How it started —> how it’s going

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Joel

@joelalanhart

2 years

New rule: if you tweet about how hot your 🟢 is, I’m unfollowing you.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

1 year

I wish they’d focus-grouped the Che character before putting them on *this* TV show. #AJLT

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 years

@PrettyGoodPhil @lisamurkowski It’s like they’ve all forgotten they’re sitting senators with ACTUAL POWER.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

7 months

Who, me?

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

I think we need to talk more about the real epidemic in this country: people having conversations on speakerphone in public places.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

11 months

@closalvarado Based on the video, he looks like he’s very capable of doing some deep diving.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 years

Someone sent me a picture with THE WEST WING playing on an iPad in the background and I correctly guessed the episode based only on that one frame.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

Man, does anyone else feel like this week just absolutely took them out back, kicked the shit out of them, and stole their lunch money?

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

Karen and her Yorkiepoo’s reign of terror in the sky will finally come to an end.

No more emotional support animals on planes after DOT closes major loophole

The government has decided that when it comes to air travel, only dogs can be service animals, and companions used for emotional support don’t count.

www.foxla.com

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

#NewProfilePic

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Joel

@joelalanhart

1 year

#NewProfilePic

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

I always think it’s a little weird when I open someone’s Instagram and the only thing they have pictures of is themselves. It’s like, there’s a whole beautiful world out there and the only thing you’ve found to take photos of is you?

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Joel

@joelalanhart

2 years

As @fakedansavage says, in your guts you know they’re nuts.

Chris Murphy 🟧

@ChrisMurphyCT

2 years

GOP candidates running in swing seats want to eliminate the CIA, execute Democrats who "stole" the 2020 election, secede their states from the union if Democrats keep winning, and roll back the right to vote for women. FYI.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

Confirmed: @jamesholod is literally the sweetest human being on Earth.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 months

This was our 10th, in Rome. Who are these CHILDREN?

Morgan Polikoff 🏳️‍🌈

@mpolikoff

5 months

18 years in… Me: “Oh, it’s our anniversary.” @joelalanhart : “Oh it is, isn’t it?”

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Joel

@joelalanhart

9 months

@jbarro I made it through until she got to the CIA agent, all while shouting in my head, “Just hang up the damn phone already!”

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Joel

@joelalanhart

6 months

I truly don’t understand the appeal of vodka sodas. Why drink something so flavorless? You 🚬s know gin and tonics exist, right?

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Joel

@joelalanhart

2 years

What it’s like to be married to us: Me: I wonder if the Museum of Neon Art is any good? @mpolikoff : It’s a gas. Me: I’m not going to react to that. MP: We argon-na find out! Me: Bad puns are my krypton-ite.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 years

Why am I quarantined with the one gay who has no urge to bake anything?

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Joel

@joelalanhart

8 years

@NPR Because hers are minor, and his are earth-shattering and reflect a total inability to govern effectively?

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Joel

@joelalanhart

2 years

@alex_abads Tight Lotus*

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

The 22-year-old homosexual at the table next to us at this Indian restaurant is describing the trials and travails of his life. Reader, I have never been so grateful to be in my late 30s.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

Tonight when I called my grandfather to wish him a happy 92nd birthday, he insisted I give the phone to Morgan, whose birthday is tomorrow, so he could wish *him* a happy birthday.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

#NewProfilePic

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

@SeldenGADawgs @HawleyMO @DineshDSouza @Twitter @jack @Facebook Only the government can infringe upon the freedom of the press, not a private corporation.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

2 years

@FatPastor @sarahnferris Don’t blame the tax code, blame tax preparation software companies. They spend a ton of money lobbying Congress to make filing your taxes harder:

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 years

I legitimately wish I could send @fakedansavage ’s opening monologue in this week’s #SavageLovecast to all of my liberal friends. It exactly describes the frustration I feel with the circular firing squad that is present-day social justice.

A man still has hot videos he took of his ex. He loves his current girlfriend, but the sex isn’t nearly as good. How wrong is it to view the historical footage? A straight man has HAD IT UP TO HERE...

savage.love

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

@AlexDRocca I always tell them I do HVAC repair. There are never any follow up questions.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

@soneall89 I mean, I *always* get them confused.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

6 months

You don't have to love President Biden to realize the alternative is much, much worse for every single issue you care about.

David Roberts

@drvolts

6 months

I can't believe this is sitting right in front of us and we might let it happen.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

Promise?

NRA

@NRA

4 years

. @JoeBiden and @KamalaHarris will dismantle the Second Amendment.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

“My Husband Insists on Doing Zoom Calls With No Headphones” and Other Quarantine Horror Stories

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Joel

@joelalanhart

10 months

@mcs_phd A friend once described the Fourth in Ptown as “a bunch of 10’s looking for an 11” and that reminds me of this.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

At breakfast today, a golden retriever puppy stuck his head in my lap, so you just know it’s going to be a good day.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

My mother’s a schoolteacher in Titus Co., TX, which has one of the worst coronavirus outbreaks in the state. Yet her school district—which is resuming in-person instruction—is still having a “meet the teacher” night this year. Our nation’s teachers are being led to the slaughter.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

1 year

Absolutely wild to me that this Wednesday #NYTXW puzzle made it to print. This might have been the most joyless crossword I’ve ever done. It’s like the sort of thing you’d find in the back of Spirit’s inflight magazine.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

@Ltpietrzak Either that, or you about to have a *wild* night.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

@WarClandestine Honestly, it was worth it to read this whole stupid, absolutely-did-not-happen thing just to get the replies. 5/5, would laugh at this bullshit again.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 years

Are the #GBBO gays okay? @henryfabird , @mschakraverty , *and* @nomadbakerdavid all went live on Insta today.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

1 year

@jamesholod I think you’d need both hands for Jon Hamm.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

Do you ever find yourself rooting for the virus?

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

I am not a person who is *ever* rude to wait staff or service personnel in general. But the pandemic has really emphasized to me the importance of approaching every situation with grace. I find myself saying “thank you” a lot more now.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 years

#NewProfilePic

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

. @mpolikoff and I put our Christmas stuff up this weekend, and it just makes me so happy. I love seeing our house all decorated. 🥰

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

This is a legitimate "watch til the end". Reader, when I tell you I *guffawed*.

Sheem-beam 🪩

@cheembeam

4 years

The way I screamed after watching the end of this video! 😩😩😩😂

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 years

@mpolikoff Did Carole Baskin murder her husband?

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

Lots of people being snarky about the outdated blood donor policy today, which is totally fine! But if you want to help change the policy, consider joining the ADVANCE study:

Norah O'Donnell 🇺🇸

@NorahODonnell

3 years

NEW: @CBSNews has learned the Red Cross is declaring a national blood crisis for the first time and tomorrow the organization will ask people to donate immediately.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

People can change (though my grandfather is still conservative and still watches Fox News). It’s not easy and it takes a lot of time, but they *can* change.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

the person / the personality

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Joel

@joelalanhart

2 years

When White kids do it, it’s “celebrating”. When Black folks do it, it’s “rioting”.

CBS News

@CBSNews

2 years

University of Kentucky fans flipped a car over in Lexington while celebrating the team’s win over the University of Florida on Saturday. No injuries or arrests were reported, according to local news.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

11 months

I’m sorry, this is a CLOWN take. Maryland’s flag slaps and always has. It is one of America’s few truly distinctive state flags.

Brian Evans

@BriInMN

11 months

If you're upset about Minnesota's state flag finalists, allow me to present the flags of Maryland, Louisiana, Montana, and Vermont. If you don't love Minnesota's finalists (I think they're nice), just know it could be way worse.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

11 months

There’s a certain tone-deafness in seeking the opinions of someone who moved to Highland Park in *2015* on the hazards of gentrifying.

Los Angeles Times

@latimes

11 months

Black-trimmed homes, tiny libraries and other signs your neighborhood is about to be gentrified

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

@prettygoodphil Straight or not, let’s not thirst after Republicans!

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

@fakedansavage Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 months

San Marinese passport stamp acquired.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

1 year

@Mickolas9 Wait, you were invited to a wedding but your partner was not? That's just plain rude. Couples are a unit: invite one or invite neither. You are within your rights to change your RSVP to a flat no.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

If Elon ruins alts, I’m smashing in the windows of every Tesla I can find.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

When I first came out to my parents some 17 years ago, they forbade me from telling my conservative, Fox News-watching grandparents, who “wouldn’t understand.”

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

I assure you, none of you has jokes.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

2 years

@clawcerer Lasagna pans coming out as allies, we love to see it.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

Happy Valentine’s Day to my #1 *! * #2 behind the mutt.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 years

It’s true, I am.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

1 year

Truly, why does anyone care what this young woman wears *under* her graduation robe? Who is she hurting? The cruelty is the point with these people.

Ashton Pittman

@ashtonpittman

1 year

NEWS: A Mississippi school district can forbid a transgender student from attending her graduation unless she wears male-designated attire instead of a dress under her robe, a Trump-appointed federal judge ruled tonight. Her graduation is at 6 p.m.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

K*nye is 100% like Tinkerbell. If you don’t clap for him, he’ll cease to exist. Operate accordingly.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

8 months

When searching for hotels in DC, the Marriott website should have an optional filter that's just "lol, I'm not staying in fucking Virginia" so that those properties don't show up.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

11 months

After 17 years together with the same man, I can confidently say the most important compatibility issue—more important than finances or sex or life goals—is finding someone who wants to keep the house the same temperature you do. cc: @mpolikoff

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 months

My husband says this like we don't *always* have Champagne in the refrigerator. If there's one thing I'm going to do, it's have Champagne ready to go for any occasion (or no occasion!).

Morgan Polikoff 🏳️‍🌈

@mpolikoff

5 months

So glad I had the foresight to put that bottle of champagne in the fridge.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 months

When we have pool parties, I’d say 90% of the guests end up in the pool.

Eli McCann

@EliMcCann

5 months

We are at an adult "pool party" and my husband put on his bathing suit before we came here and I tried to explain to him that no one was actually going to be swimming. Anyway, he is now in the pool by himself while everyone else is standing around the edges sipping cocktails.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

7 months

@dgschell I don’t want hets to feel unsafe, but I’m perfectly fine with them feeling uncomfortable. (I say this as someone who categorically refuses to take straight women to gay bars.)

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

With @mpolikoff doing a mileage run this evening, I decided I’d make myself a margarita to have with dinner. I forgot that my standard margarita recipe is, of course, formulated for two people. Guess I’ll just have to drink them both!

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

I can absolutely get behind this theory.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

The rye chip is literally the best part of Chex Mix.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

2 years

Listening to the COMPANY soundtrack on repeat today since I, too, am turning 35*.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

7 months

My husband texted me and now I need to know if anyone in LA knows a good divorce attorney.

Joel

@joelalanhart

7 months

I don’t judge people at the gym for how much they can lift or how fast they run. You’re at the gym doing your thing and that’s amazing. But if you take even one step into that shower with no shoes on, the judgment is coming out IN FORCE. 🤮

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

I second this. We’d all be better off without Facebook.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 months

I’ve decided I’d prefer to just die in my current job so as to avoid the awkwardness of the office farewell party someday.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

Just wait until the @GOP finds out what Russia’s been doing to our elections!

Rep. Jason Smith

@RepJasonSmith

4 years

Prince Harry and Megan Markle are using foreign titles to campaign against President Trump and interfere with our election. Today, I asked the British Government to put a stop to it. See my full letter below⬇️

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

I’m hoping GILDED AGE turns out to be part of the Downton Cinematic Universe and we’re introduced to a young heiress from Cincinnati who turns out to be Lady Cora before she meets Robert.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

I think I’m going to start thinking about how I can meaningfully reduce the impact social media has on my life.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

1 year

Y’all know those photo prompts aren’t subpoenas, right? Like, you can let one pass by sometimes.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 years

Nowhere in his coming out post does @aaronschock apologize for the damage done to the LGBTQ+ community with his voting record in Congress. He shouldn’t be welcomed into our family until he does.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

Did one of our neighbors offer us coke in exchange for pool privileges?

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

Just saw the record of a kid who was born on the day I graduated college, so I'm quitting my job now and moving into a retirement home, thanks.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

Flying home to LA on @AmericanAir today. Somewhere over Missouri or so, I’ll officially become a Million Miler.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 years

I'm using @Workday to review résumés for a job opening in my office, and just . . . wow. It's as if they designed a naturally-intuitive system, and then released the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of that.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

5 months

Twitter has now made it impossible to block ads on your timeline. Instead, all you can do is report them. So that’s what I propose we do from here on it: just report every single ad that you come across.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

2 years

. @mpolikoff , in a moment of tenderness at a fabulous Italian restaurant; “I love wine so much, I love food so much, I love *you* so much.” Me: “Is that the order?” Morgan, after thinking: “I’d put you ahead of food.”

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Joel

@joelalanhart

3 years

One of the funniest things about New Yorkers is they act as if it’s such an ordeal to get anywhere that’s not in their neighborhood. “South of 59th at this time of day? I dunno.” “Look at me, going north of 23rd!” Try sitting in traffic for a half hour sometime!

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Joel

@joelalanhart

6 months

Look, I know the booze in airport lounges is free, but if you aren’t tipping the bartenders, you’re a bad person.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

@stopthe70347591 @johnkruzel Except that your version is entirely unburdened by facts.

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

My new kink is watching Senator Harris eat old White men.

Jon Favreau

@jonfavs

4 years

Just wait for those last 10 seconds

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Joel

@joelalanhart

4 years

Hearing @mpolikoff try to arrange a COVID vaccine for his mother is so frustrating. You shouldn't have to check multiple websites multiple times a day to get an appointment. It's a reminder that we had 10 months to get this right as a country, and we just completely whiffed.

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