Jimmy G @jimmygards Twitter profile

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Jimmy G

7 years

"This wood floor, kemosabes? A forest. That orange pelota over there? Former swine, man. Life. Energy. This monk to my left? Vi-tal-i-ty"

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

HERMAN: does this mean Texas is back, Matt? MCCONAUGHEY: lemme clue you in on a little something, Tomás - there is no "back." We're just mollusks. In-ver-te-brates. Humble organisms occupying this here Mer-ce-des bio-dome. Let that stew in your innards, Squidman. Hook thee.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

PFT on Dude Perfect: "It's Jackass for youth pastors" - @PFTCommenter

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

when the professor allows one notecard for the final

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

1 year

coke dealers on SMU-TCU weekend

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

2 years

I hit 8 years sober in March. As a goof, my best buddies got me a Cameo from Mike Leach. It’s classic Leach. He rips me for being an Aggie but then has some of the most thoughtful, encouraging words about sobriety I’d ever heard. No one like the Pirate.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

7 months

Update from the burning Texas panhandle. This all happened within the last half hour. Thank you, God.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

guys I know the offense was flat last week, but I’m not sure meth is the answer

Texas A&M Football

@AggieFootball

3 years

#GigEm

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

2 years

I wanna see you fix a small town Texas college football program

Kim Kardashian

@KimKardashian

2 years

What do you guys wanna see for season 3 of The Kardashians? Do you guys like family stuff? Work stuff? Kids stuff? BTS of shoots? Family pranks?

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

Love, Jordan is literally what Aaron Rodgers won’t do for a brother.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

5 months

Happy NFL Draft Day to all who celebrate 🙏

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

“Your mom and I have been talkin’ and we reckon it’d be good if I came around more. You know, with the holidays and all.”

Zach Barnett

@zach_barnett

3 years

Who thought we'd ever see this again?

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

11 months

Ross Bjork wanted to hire a Buick. Buddy, for better or worse, this fanbase wants either a stolen Ferrari with no seat belts or a Kawasaki Ninja motorcycle with flamethrowers mounted to the sides.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

5 months

Avs fan here. The NHL needs to knock it off with this shit. Stop coddling goalies. That’s a goal.

Spittin' Chiclets

@spittinchiclets

5 months

NO GOAL!!

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

A mop head bro in a graphic tee under a suit jacket taking a bottle of Pappy to the face… it’s just so SEC I could cry

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

"Head Honcho. Servin' el público de Tejas. Ice chest at the fiesta lean on cold ones? Say no more. Send up a smoke signal for Guv McConaughey. Does congress need a lil powwow to get right? Frio River float, baby. I'm talkin less TAXes and more TEXas, k?"

The Hill

@thehill

4 years

McConaughey says he'd consider running for Texas governor

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

Schlitterbahn

Texas Longhorns

@TexasLonghorns

4 years

Name a more iconic venue than Darrell K Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium. #HookEm 🤘

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

UT and A&M on whether to play the game or not

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

2 years

The SMU-TCU morning tailgate once the prescription and recreational drugs kick in

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

Not teaching men how to behave around a Southern Miss was how he got into trouble in the first place.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

5 years

6 years sober today. Grateful for this gift I didn’t deserve.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

7 years

Things that would make no sense 18 months ago: - Bills vs. Jags in the playoffs - Tony Romo is the announcer - OJ Simpson is at the game as a fan

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

5 years

Texas Aggie Poultry Scientist

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

“Sometimes we’re that stuck barge in the canal. The plug in the jug. Life just gets... sideways. Gotta dig ourselves out. Find a lil buoyancy. Let the agua do the heavy lifting. Huh. And that right there is why I gave my pesos for this fútbol team, k? Equipo.”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

5 years

@TaylorLorenz Does being a victim feel as good as it sounds

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

7 years

“The world is going to call y’all football players. Nah nah nah, caballeros” [laughs mischievously to self] “y’all are soul sherpas in a sweat lodge of e-qua-nim-i-ty. Kiss the fire, sensei. Coo to the mighty Jayhawk. Seek ba-lance in the koi pond inside you.”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

Never ever play another college football game in an NFL stadium. Ever.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

1 year

I'm a big Venn diagram guy. Always have been. So I tried to make sense of the new ACC.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

I think I bought oregano from Jimbo Fisher’s son in middle school

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

2 years

Chris Fowler has a robust canvas with serious acreage to grow a legendary mustache. Shame he doesn’t take advantage.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

5 years

@natalieweiner You the gatekeeper of jazz?

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

“We are descendants of pri-mates, k? Naked monkeys just looking for life’s jungle gym. Might be a branch. Maybe a pole. A vertical chrome tube connecting earth and sky. Exploration. Maybe a monkey amigo is just lookin’ for a Halloween buddy. Lest we judge, that chimp is us.”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

2 years

Sark the baddest bitch at the 1988 Dallas Conference of Realtors.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 months

What a way to start a college baseball column “Judas hanged himself”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

1 year

“Sankey Sankooo. Lemme lay some SEC bon-a-fides on you. 1996. Canton, Mississip. A lil piece of cinema called A Time to Kill. Hail State? Hotty Toddy? Nah nah. A young Mateo steals the show. Reckon we call the sequel A Time to L-I-V-I-N”

Ross Dellenger

@RossDellenger

1 year

Greg Sankey and Matthew McConaughey

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

If you don’t put your shopping cart in the return area, you’ve announced to society that you’re a trash person. We don’t need to know anything else about you. You shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

27 days

@RedditCFB That was a really fun league. 8 is a good number. 18 is outrageous.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

can you please just hire the best pilots

United Airlines

@united

4 years

Our flight deck should reflect the diverse group of people on board our planes every day. That’s why we plan for 50% of the 5,000 pilots we train in the next decade to be women or people of color. Learn more and apply now:

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

5 years

when Chip and Joanna announce a new line of candles at the Silos

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

“It’s synchronicity, Samuel. A cadence, k? It’s just Mother Earth, Padre Mateo, and a stitched up chicharrón lookin’ to take flight. Let that pig pelota soar.”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

Today is the 7th anniversary of me getting sober. Today I am grateful.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

5 years

@GavinNewsom Four walls and a roof ain't a fix for alcoholism, drug addiction, and schizophrenia, Gav.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

5 years

“Check it out, Samuél. Señor Sam-I-Am. There’s an orbit, k? A force. It’s centrifugal - in your bones. You’re the sun. El Sol. The brightest star. You provide warmth, sure” [pauses, smirks] “but you also scorch and singe the weak. It’s time to rise, El Sol de Samuél.”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

Seven years ago I spent thanksgiving in detox. Needed that memory today. Thankful life is better.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

1 month

Irish people practice for years and years to master this art. Atlanta kids on the first try:

ACC Network

@accnetwork

1 month

Georgia Tech hit the jig after its upset win over FSU 😅 @GeorgiaTechFB

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

Even with no college football I will be RSVPing no to your fall wedding.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

Conference pride is for losers. I hope my conference brethren all experience embarrassment, despair, misery, and sustained failure. To hell with them all.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

Today I woke up 8⃣ years sober. My heartfelt gratitude to all of you who made this possible.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 months

Later, dickhead. Next. If I were the next coach, I’d ensure a bench clearing brawl in 2025. This is part of the reason I’m not the coach.

Kendall Rogers

@KendallRogers

3 months

🚨BREAKING: @AggieBaseball head coach Jim Schlossnagle is headed to @TexasBaseball , sources told @d1baseball . Schlossnagle guided the #Aggies to the College World Series Finals this season. Now, he heads to Austin. @ChipBrown247 had it first. #Hookem

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

2 years

when it’s open enrollment szn and I still don’t know what a deductible is

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

2 years

I pity the flu

Mr. T

@MrT

2 years

I Thank GOD for another day! I just received my Annual Flu Shot and COVID-19 Moderna updated Booster, and I Feel Good!

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

2 years

Coaches hit up the Walmart sale rack for tonight’s fit 🔥

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

1 year

Quite literally the worst possible tailgate party.

𝕋𝕣𝕒𝕧𝕚𝕤 𝕃. 𝔹𝕣𝕠𝕨𝕟

@Travis_L_Brown

1 year

Texas A&M AD Ross Bjork and Sen. Ted Cruz have announced a joint press conference prior to Texas A&M's home game against Alabama Saturday in regards to current NIL legislation.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

8 years

@PFTCommenter I'm telling coworkers that we can thank Trump for the Chargers jobs not going to Mexico

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

“And that’s why we created the cryptocurrency Gospelcoin. It’s really a Christcurrency [church laugh]. It simplifies tithing and prohibits any Judases from selling out Jesus for 30 pieces of silver.”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

Shoutout to the ordinary, everyday patriots. The ones who are good neighbors, went to work today, take care of their kids, and pay their taxes. They are the quiet, unsexy glue.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

just forklift my ass into the dialysis clinic I don’t give a shit

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

Imagine seeing your father in a jersey in the middle of a workday booing Stephen A Smith

Stephen A Smith

@stephenasmith

6 years

GUESS WHO IS BACK IN DALLAS?!?!?!?!??!

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

“Whoa whoa James James Robert. You’re really stuffing that enchilada with some carnitas de condemnation. I’m merely culture clergy. A serf of Sark. Reckon we need less cancelation. More continuation. Put down that message board tablet and chisel. Live.”

Message Board Geniuses

@BoardGeniuses

3 years

#CancelMatthewMcConaughey #StoptheCensorship #HookEm

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

2 years

Rules analyst: “now remember, the ball must break the plane before the runner’s knee hits the ground” Hey boner we’re voluntarily watching Mitch Trubisky on Jeff Bezos’ website. We know.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

What’s the most valid reason you’ve ever been blocked? I’ll start. I used to tell GNC that I was interested in buying the *good* steroids out back.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

So he stepped out on your mom - big deal. Divorced Dad is ready to buy you a PlayStation and order a tomahawk ribeye at the bar at Eddie V’s. Might even let you drive him home in the Chevy Avalanche after he finishes off this last highball.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

The A&M-Texas rivalry is full of petty, arrogant, vain, condescending individuals with comically outsized views of self. It's a mask to cover the deep, deep fear of losing and having to eat a gigantic shit sandwich. That's why the game should be played. That's college football.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

one week from today

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

2 years

Sober 9 years today. Thank you to everyone who has helped me along the way. Very grateful. I barely hung on in 2014. I’m glad I did.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

8 years

2016 Texas A&M Football Offense

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

Zion: Tomorrow is Monday. Do I need to go to class? Agent:

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

2 years

Only fitting that Leach kicked the absolute shit out of A&M a couple of months before he passed. Eternal scoreboard. Rest in peace, king.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

2 years

[read this as one sentence] “I’m sorry you like A&M and Notre Dame James I’ll never like those schools they’d never hire me I like gritty teams but you live in Amarillo and i love West Texas you need to go visit Cadillac Stonehenge and pay reverence ok”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

1 year

If Bobby Petrino had even a drop of a sense of humor, he’d show up to Jerryworld on Saturday in the brace.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

9 years

What a wonderful sport. See y'all on September 3rd.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

5 years

"I want y'all to dial this in, k? Film. Cin-em-a. It's a dialogue. A hip cat said that 'human behavior flows from 3 main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge.' Name was Plato, which is Spanish for Plate. Like I just served y'all a Pla-to of wisdom and greasy enchiladas haha"

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

“You feel that, young squire? There’s a cadence in this adobe tonight. An ar-rhyth-mi-a, k? Reckon there might be a sacrifice this evenin’. Full moon. What will you bring to the feast? That orange pelota is a start, but Saint Erwin haha well he wants your blood. Onward.”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

1 year

“If you take the blow and the Ozempic and mix them together with your mortar and pestle, you’re LIVin’, brother”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

Greg McElroy is the kid who raises his hand at the end of class to remind the teacher “you forgot to assign us our homework.”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 months

“Lemme tell y’all about Queen Bee, k? She’ll put that sweeter-than-honey buzz in your brain. Zippin’ around in that amarilla and negra chaqueta lookin’ to drone strike a beso on you. She turned my oculus into lips. Forced my vision inward. A royal gift, from our Bumble Highness”

Matthew McConaughey

@McConaughey

3 months

bee swell

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

7 years

On Sept 16, many people (loads of Ags) thought A&M would go 1-3 or 0-4 in the Arkie, SC, Bama, Florida stretch. Hats off to this team.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

Earth doesn’t deserve him 🙏

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

2 years

“The pilgrimage has brought us to Des Moines. That’s Cajun for ‘of the monks’ haha. Reckon it’s time to take the orange pelota into their monastery. Our foes are some cats from Col-gate, k? Pro-pri-e-tors of oral hygiene. Let’s knock their chiclets out. Onward.”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

Looks like the staff on a Carnival Cruise

Texas Football

@TexasFootball

6 years

Arrived in Dallas ready for Big 12 Media Days. 🤘 #ThisIsTexas #HookEm

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

5 years

Asked my 2-year old son who he wanted to pray for... Him, dead serious: Gravedigger. My soul left my body then I remembered his hero is a monster truck named Gravedigger. So we prayed for a monster truck.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

2 years

If Nick Saban can have the humility to evolve on offense, Jimbo Fisher should have the humility to evolve on offense.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

Sober five years today.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

Texas Football Head Coach Matthew McConaughey.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

7 months

Eric Michael Garcia

@EricMGarcia

7 months

Which fictional character stormed the Capitol on January 6?

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

“Hola, Todd. Yes, it is I - the Minister of Culture. Cler-gy. Quite a fishing shirt you got there, Todd. Real groovy. You a fisher of men? Set the hook, trawler. The fishies be nibblin’. Hook ‘em”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

One of my favorite Texas moments each year... an October Friday night before a massive Saturday game... and you catch that first chill in the air and a smell that sort of resembles fall.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

"Lemme clue you baby-kissin' chieftains in on Los Lobos from Longview, Texas, k?. The Lobos had been deprived of their prey for too long - bison, pronghorn, What-a-burger, all of it, man. Los Lobos were hungry. Hambriento, comprende? The full moon pointed toward a hunt..."

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

how do I talk to my 3-year old about the defunding of Paw Patrol

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

“Some of y’all need to do a realignment of your hearts” - a baptist preacher in Oklahoma, this Sunday

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

“Sometimes to con-struct we gotta de-struct. Abandon yesterday’s blueprints for tomorrow’s freehand sketch. Dip our talons into Mother Earth and sculpt some adobe. Mudbrick, k? Reckon it’s time to ar-chi-tect la casa de fiesta.”

Matthew McConaughey

@McConaughey

3 years

architecture is a verb #laborday

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

5 years

“Buenos dias. From that medallion I can see your outpost is in bison country. A buffalo soldier I reckon. Came to cool your heels in the ATX and scout some of my disciples? Can’t fault your nobility. What you’re seeking ain’t on that steno pad. Nah. It’s emblazoned on the heart”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

I’m ready to surrender Dr Pepper Fansville to the Taliban

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

Only the hardcore Seinfeld folks will dig this... we have a family friend named Dolores. I refer to her as Mulva. Gets a laugh 0% of the time.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

YOU CAN’T FIRE ME I QUIT

247Sports

@247Sports

4 years

Miami QB Tate Martell is reportedly opting out of the 2020 season.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

3 years

Not the first expensive wells in west Texas to not produce shit

Pete Thamel

@PeteThamel

3 years

A high ranking source confirms that Matt Wells has been fired at Texas Tech. He’s scheduled to meet with the team imminently.

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

4 years

@BunkiePerkins

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

6 years

<pats Gatorade cooler><chuckles> “Y’all remember the Roman aqueducts. Provided water to the townsmen. Little Tuscan swimmin’ holes and jacuzzis. Filled the basins for the cattle, too. Flu-id-i-ty. Hydrate thyselves, cattle. Panteth for the agua.”

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Jimmy G

@jimmygards

8 years

With Fidel Castro now out, my sources are telling me Cuba might make a push for Tom Herman.

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