ghost @ghostisposting Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@taylorswift13

@stw_pdg

@lordnc

@AcusomePadre

@oekaki_hrk

@AlabamaFTBL

@ParisAlxN

@narotto4

@NwaMarcus

@Sunny_X0X0X

@pandaisukida7

@ElAntiderechos

@Ni_ra_26

@totisexy_

@bokeplokalmalam

@sumiccono

@saraymnn

@ContinueMunch

@TundeOsazua

@TheOnlyTyrez

@Vaaan91

@BroLederh

@RuthGonzalezMx

@AkhyMshthy55573

@drstef

@psyyyxl

@jandakembangstw

@r_eranger

@PamDanziger

@DK7334984553404

@jlkkhttt

@DeroZoh

@Ladyratu423298

@p1xieStick

@JonErlichman

@BinorRaja

ghost

@ghostisposting

8 years

when you accidentally type a capital letter at the beginning of a sentence

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ghost

@ghostisposting

2 years

how do i get one of those jobs that arent real where i send an email and then go to a meeting and then draft an email and then leave work and get paid $98,000 a year and have a badge on a little cord that says senior deputy analytics coordinator supervisor of marketing and sales

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ghost

@ghostisposting

5 years

me: [watching four guys beat the shit out of eachother] gotta date: what me: [rolling up sleeves] gotta

WSVN 7 News

@wsvn

5 years

Five guys arrested for fighting at Five Guys restaurant in Florida

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

[back in time] insane man: do you ever notice that you cant have your cake and eat it too guy: what is a cake for other than eating insane man: i think itd be fun just to have guy: what narrator: and so obviously it is still said to this day

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

kylo ren: you know who your parents were. say it rey: they were nobody kylo ren: they were filthy gross junk traders. they sold you off for drinking money rey: kylo ren: they were ugly stupid idiots. losers. weirdos. no one liked them rey: okay kylo ren: they smelled

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ghost

@ghostisposting

8 years

#CalmMeDownIn3Words Look, a dog

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

me: [bouncing my knee] guy: dude whats wrong with you me: what guy: your leg me: oh im insane

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

Groundhogs day. Today the dirt rodent will emerge and if he nuts to the west we get ten more days of halloween

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

All the good vines had 0 production value and the shitty ones had camera crews scripts and sound designers

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

graphic designer: whats the budget warner bros: this half eaten mcflurry and a high five

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ghost

@ghostisposting

8 years

You know, the two things dogs do

Washington Examiner

@dcexaminer

8 years

Circuit court rules police can shoot a dog if it moves or barks when cop enters home

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

guy: whats a wedgie bully: oh you yank someones underwear up their ass really hard lol guy: okay so whats an atomic wedgie bully: [eyes widen, pauses for a moment] it was me and oppenheimers job to design them but we had no idea what those insane bastards were planni

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

snake: im not coming out guy: not even for a tasty mouse snake: not a chance guy: what about this other sexy snake snake: nope guy: darn. well im just gonna play this oboe lmk if u change ur mi snake: [sitting on top of the basket] thats so cool are u self taught

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

[watching dunkirk] Pilot guy: hes on me Me: tom hardy should say and im on him Tom hardy: and im on him Me: this is the greatest film ever made

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

complaints and jokes about vegans constantly telling people theyre vegan appear in my life approximately 900 times more often than any person actually telling me they are vegan

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

I love reddit

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ghost

@ghostisposting

3 years

1 year 8 months sober :)

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

walt disney: this is how you write a d right terrified employee: thats the best d ive ever seen sir

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

me: its 4am sleepytime website: and when do you have to be up me: 5am sleepytime: wow and what do you want me to do with this me: when should i sleep sleepytime: 6 hours ago you fucking idiot

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

each year the jonas brothers meet to fight for who will be the most popular nick jonas consumed the one that isnt joe jonas many years ago now joe shows up each time only to forfeit and pledge loyalty, for he could not hope to defeat nick now that his jonas powers have doubled

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

person: everyone says youre so funny! tell a joke for us me, doesnt really make structured jokes so much as humorous and sarcastic commentary on the fly: uh

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

me: i wish i could shoot lightning from my hands genie: a mighty power, what will you use this gift for me: killing people that, when trying on my glasses, tell me that i have poor vision genie: oh dude its like “yeah, did you think i wore them for fun” me: right

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

when dogs run around then freeze and stare at you for a few seconds and then bolt again im a big fan of that

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

someone: look at this horrible person who is annoying and bad and stupid that person: [wearing a big comfy hoodie with sleeves that go down past their fingers] me: hang on gang lets hear them out

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ghost

@ghostisposting

5 years

[my buddy marcus accidentally flips the scrabble board] me: mark my words

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ghost

@ghostisposting

2 years

skirt time

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

god: yo check this out angel: thats a rock god: no its alive angel: why god: he am clam

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

me: [accidentally knocks down a guy in london with my enormous ass] london guy: bloody hell are you thick mate?! me: thanks

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ghost

@ghostisposting

2 years

spiky

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

doctor: your muscles show signs of atrophy me: aw ive never competed myself but thanks for that

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

me: dang i left my hoodie in the car, eh ill just get it tomorrow the part of me thats sympathetic towards inanimate objects: but what if he gets cold

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ghost

@ghostisposting

4 months

same shirt

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ghost

@ghostisposting

8 years

Im never getting married or having kids *all the 40+ year old people roll their eyes and smile in the most condescending way possible*

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

if you honk while behind me at a right turn on red because im doing the unthinkable and waiting for there to be no cars oncoming so i dont kill someone i hope the statue of liberty comes to life and throws 20 buildings at your house

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

me: [drawing an eye] hey thats pretty good. now for the other eye my lack of talent: what if she just has an eyepatch instead me: ive always like pirates

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ghost

@ghostisposting

2 years

very weird

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

me with very little money: i have learned my lesson and in the future i will cherish every penny and only spend money on things i need me with slightly more money than that: i need this box of 600 gushers

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

what stupid bitch started the rumor that black cats are bad luck

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ghost

@ghostisposting

2 years

jeam jacket

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

after “guess what” dont you dare say nevermind i dont care if you were literally just going to say the word egg 3 times then fart tell me that shit right now you bitch

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

do you think a waterbender ever got frustrated with how long it was taking to get their partner off so they just bended the nut right out of them

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ghost

@ghostisposting

2 months

i want some kinda spiky belt

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

guy: no man will ever touch my daughter i must protect her from their disgusting male hands at all times if a boy tries to take my daughter to prom ill shoot him in the face like the subhuman scum he is someone: men are trash guy: no theyre not what

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

remember that that part in harry potter when mama weezlee was like get the fuck away from my fucking daughter you cunt and then shot hellnah bottom car door in the kidney

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

Bully: yo nerd do my math homework Me: i suck at math Bully: but youre a nerd though Me: i can answer any questions you have about batman

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

My kids are gonna call me dude because yall have tainted all the father figure words

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

sirius black: [puts on sorting hat] sorting hat: prolly the snake one sirius black: uh actually id like gryffindor sorting hat: you know your name is sirius black right sirius black: yeah but fuck the snake people sorting hat: fair, THE GOOD GUY ONE FOR THIS GUY

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

Wizard: HA HA NOW THAT IVE MADE YOU IMMORTAL YOU WILL SEE THAT ETERNAL LIFE IS TRULY A CURSE Me: oh no Wizard: YOU WILL WATCH ALL THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT WITHER AND DIE WHILE YOU CONTINUE ON FOREVER Me: you cruel monster

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

when i die put all of my hoodies on me with the strings pulled tight and then seal me in a fridge filled with cosmic brownies like the pharoahs of old

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

vampires: we must stalk the night and drink the blood of virgins until we are the unchallenged kings of sorrow and darkness but if someone doesnt want you in their house you cant just barge in like a dick no means no

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

me: [at hogwarts] expecto patronum professor: what are you doing there arent any dementors here me: yeah i know this is just for me my patronus, shadow the hedgehog: hey pal

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

me as a security guard: sir this is private property. please skedaddle from the premises immediately

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

i thought john mulaney had a whole sleeve of tattoos for a second

John Mulaney

@mulaney

6 years

that was so stupid and fun. Thanks @nbcsnl

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ghost

@ghostisposting

5 months

50lbs later, had to get a new suit

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

gay person: yall: jesus christ we get it youre gay im totally okay with gay people being themselves but you dont have to shove it down our throats every five seconds

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

guy: [cutting open my stomach to see the contents like that scene from jaws] i knew it. this guy isnt 20 hes 12 years old this is like 60% fruit roll ups

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

Tom hanks doesnt have to say thanks at the end of emails if he types his name like this T. Hanks

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

god: give them laughter, humor is fuckin cool angel: okay god: and you know what would pair well with that? excruciating abdominal pain

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

Genie: what are your three wishes Me: i never want to be at the front of the line at a right turn on red ever again i cant take the stress Genie: uh, and your second wi Me: im actually gonna use all 3 on the same wish so we really nail this down

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

read that description with a southern accent and laugh

billboard

@billboard

6 years

"September" co-writer calls Taylor Swift's Earth, Wind & Fire cover "as lethargic as a drunk turtle dozing under a sunflower after ingesting a bottle of Valium"

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

the “+” in “lgbtq+” represents individuals that carry a positive magnetic charge

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

I just wanna thank whoever got the ball rolling on making the word snack synonymous with attractive

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

peter: you cant be a friendly neighborhood spiderman if theres no neighborhood tony: peter: okay that didnt really make a lot of sense but you know what i mean me: that was actually really well said how could that not make sense

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

me: zodiacs are bullshit zodiac person: [breaks door down] thats such a gemini thing to say

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

needa get a sign for my door labeled “i am listening to music on max volume and am most likely completely visually absorbed in another activity as well. walking in and tapping on my shoulder will scare 6 years off my lifespan. please be considerate and come back at a later time”

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

brain: this is one of our favorite things me: cool so we’ll remember this when someone asks what our favorite things are right brain: remember what

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

you could call someone a bag of diseased rat corpses someone left in a storm drain thats clogged with pubic hair and they wont blink an eye but if you end that shit with sweetie they will momentarily consider how long 25 to life really is

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

“You think being trans is hard? Try being a big dumb idiot asshole. People hate us.”

Angelo Ray Gomez

@AngeloRayGomez

7 years

@BuzzFeedNews Trying “coming out” as a Trump Supporter, especially if you’re a minority, and how liberals/media attack us. College Campuses are hell.

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

the process of drawing spiderman 1. draw head 2. draw eye things 3. remember that he has 6,000 lines all over his body in an intricate web pattern 4. fuck that up 5. stop drawing spiderman

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

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ghost

@ghostisposting

1 year

when u when when u when

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

god dick gryffindor: what shall we call this school rooweener ravenclaw: what about swineacne hellnah hufflepuff: ew no we cant name it something that stupid and weird

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

superman: im here to help batman: get the fuck out of my city superman: but thousands could die just let me help you batman: this is my town dork. now if youll excuse me this 10 year old in a halloween costume and i have a job to do

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

Me: i love my body and take great care of it My body: i swear to god any time i think ive almost fixed something he rips off a scab or eats more of his own mouth hes like a fucking toddler

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

[ancient times] guy: the gods are angry [looking out at dark clouds] guy 2: what if this is what happens when they feel good? i like thunderstorms. they smell nice and i sleep better from the rain and thunder guy: guy 2: what

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

guy: lol its saint patricks day so is it like your birthday or something me: yes my son guy: haha uh, what me: [starts glowing and levitating] i took all the snakes from ireland guy: what the fuck me: [snakes start to shoot out of my eyes] and now i deliver them unto to you

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

People actually expect me to be able to visualize the measurements and distances they throw out in casual conversation “He was like 100 yards away” So he was between touching you and on the moon got it

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

remember those ads for capri sun where a kid would puff up a capri sun and then viciously curb stomp it with all their might only to be suddenly struck with some twisted monkeys paw esque curse

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

i had a crush on dobby the house elf until i found out that according to jk rowling he canonically doesnt have a penis but instead a smaller dobby face between his legs that screams when exposed to natural light

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

customer: [asks simple question] me: [has been working here for 27 years] how am i supposed to know

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

draculas shoulders are 45 feet away from his head this man is BROAD sleeping on his side requires 7 pillows

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

fish: youre fucking with me fish who was in boston harbor on december 16th 1773: dude i swear to fucking god

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ghost

@ghostisposting

3 months

kinda miss the split dye

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ghost

@ghostisposting

7 years

Guy who invented blinds: i fucking hate shit thats easy to use

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ghost

@ghostisposting

6 years

angel: so allergies will clog their nose? i mean i guess that makes sense cause they breath in the pollen through there god: also clog the ears angel: dude what god: and remove their sense of taste angel: god: rub chlorine in their eyes

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ghost

@ghostisposting

3 months

miss that hat

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