ftlsid @ftlsid Twitter profile

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

2 months

the purpose of a man is 1) to be animated by fire and 2) to bleed

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

11 months

there isn't really a career path for people who want to study all kinds of different things nonstop

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

11 months

I often get into this manic state where I read a book a day (or the equivalent quantity of research papers) and I really feel like I could use this capacity to produce economic value

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

2 months

I got into a bath in an onsen in south japan. suddenly my arms started convulsing and went numb and I spent a whole ten seconds trying to diagnose whether I was having a seizure or a stroke or a heart attack. turns out it was an electric bath

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

studying math in college is good because it lets you read graduate level textbooks in most technical fields for fun

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

it's important to really believe in yourself because otherwise your subconscious will quietly hedge your bets

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

8 months

summarizing what worked:

ftlsid

@ftlsid

8 months

where I’m at rn: - executive function: fixed - focus issues: fixed - physical health: excellent - anxiety: almost completely fixed - anger problems: mostly fixed - attachment problems: partially fixed - relationship with achievement: remains broken

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

my contrarian opinion is that doing things you don't want to do is incredibly bad for you. all the advice that says to grind is bullshit you just end up teaching yourself that you don't value your intrinsic motivations, and over time those vanish, leaving you empty

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

11 months

@QualyThe I loled

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

8 months

where I’m at rn: - executive function: fixed - focus issues: fixed - physical health: excellent - anxiety: almost completely fixed - anger problems: mostly fixed - attachment problems: partially fixed - relationship with achievement: remains broken

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

10 months

it’s not even that I’m addicted to this app I think it’s become a fundamental part of my cognitive architecture

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

you can’t have different answers to “what would you die for” and “how do you spend your time” because they’re the same question

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

goal: make $3-4k a month without a job. since I have pretty simple needs this would mean I can do whatever I want for the rest of my life

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

10 months

what if every time you thought it would be cool to do something you actually did it

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

11 months

things you can learn in a few days and be rewarded for a lifetime: - how to search for and identify common fossils - constellations, identifying planets and notable stars - types of clouds and the weather they bring - basic plant/animal taxonomy and distributions

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

the first challenge in life is graduating from survival to creative mode the second challenge is figuring out what to create and how the third challenge is seeing it to completion without falling back down to survival mode

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

7 months

your entire personality is eight or nine weird habits you picked up during forgotten periods of stress

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

7 months

to summarize I spent the last two years learning how to relax

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

list of long term plans I had by age 18: aerospace engineer 18: write iPhone apps 18: professional dancer 19: math professor 19: work on cars 19: physicist 20: math professor 20: study black holes 20: write compilers

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

I was pretty isolated and lonely as a kid, so I spent almost all of my time building electronics, writing code, and reading science books by myself. now as an adult I feel slightly distant from most humans and an intense affection for mechanisms and ideas and theories

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

5 months

Quick thread on how to release muscle tension

ftlsid

@ftlsid

5 months

releasing my forehead muscles took about two years of emotional processing and over 200 hours of meditation. I'm pretty sure forehead muscle tension is one of the root causes of hair loss in both men and women fwiw (experiments on that front ongoing)

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

11 months

pondering: how do you make progress and remain motivated on a ambitious solo project that 1) is very difficult 2) takes years?

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

i'm really bothered by the fact that no matter what new experiences I have, new places I visit, new friends I make, I always end up in the same place: in front of a computer, slightly frustrated, mildly but not compellingly lonely, desk covered with papers covered with diagrams

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

I hate it when people say "it's not that deep" because it's a zero-effort way to shame the act of attempting to understand. also pretty much everything is actually quite deep

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

two kinds of serious people: 1. there is a proper way to do things and I must follow it 2. I will not admit defeat until my body is cold guess who usually wins

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

2 months

@blisstweeting I think it had been set to the maximum setting but was otherwise working as intended

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

one afternoon about two years ago I was turned down by two companies and a girl I liked and I realized that I haven't asked anyone for anything substantial since

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

8 months

lack of focus was caused by ignoring my impulses to do a wide variety of things for years, so they would distract me when I tried to concentrate. I made a point to act on almost all of my impulses. also meditation helps

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

2 years

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

8 months

executive function is also about acting on impulses. if you deny your impulses, eventually your motivation to do anything vanishes. without motivation, the abilities that are instrumental to goal-oriented action atrophy

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

how to live: pursue excellence in skills that are exciting, personally meaningful, and publicly visible

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

10 months

it’s often possible to just opt out of competing with others

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

I used to be very pro spaced repetition (Anki) for learning things but these days I think if something is so irrelevant to my life that I forget it without spaced repetition... why I am trying to remember it? I'm not in high school anymore

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

2 years

based on conversations I've had recently, it seems like a lot of people were pushed towards working in tech by their parents or for economic reasons, and actually dislike programming and I always struggle to share the beauty and wonder I feel when working with computers (thread)

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

re-learning how to try is a long, long process

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

7 months

I'm somewhat anti-computer these days. programming is fun and the theory of computation is endlessly interesting but actually being a physical human using a computer sucks compared to going outside

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

5 months

after the last two months I don't think I would recommend meditating a lot to anyone without knowing them really well. it's good in the long run but really, really destabilizing

ftlsid

@ftlsid

6 months

some sort of ball was pushed over some sort of edge and now it's rolling away

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

2 years

it' s impossible to do anything great until your conscious, intellectual values align with the body's physical reward system otherwise you get cognitive dissonance, self-hatred, procrastination, boredom, burnout, depression

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

11 months

different parts of you have different goals and want to do different things resulting in almost nothing happening

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

it's incredible that schools decided to start telling kids that misdeeds would go on their Permanent Record

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

10 months

I always listen to rap after meditating to ensure that I don't develop "spiritual guy" vibes

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

the best feeling is when someone makes a reference or does something out of habit in a way that reveals that they've walked the same paths that you have

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

10 months

on this app you can either tailor your posts to your audience or mostly ignore your "audience" and post whatever you want the first way gets you followers but the second gets you friends

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

4 months

rereading one of my blog posts; this bit stood out

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

5 months

the way I see it hurt people seek meaning and happy people seek beauty

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

2 years

almost a year since I quit my tech job reflections thread

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

one of the most important divisions between people is whether freedom + uncertainty feels better or worse than safety + stability

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

2 years

the space shuttle leaving the clouds. I use this image like a mnemonic: whenever I’m in trouble, I look at it and remember all the times that things turned out ok

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

8 months

incidentally it’s likely that you ignore the impulses that don’t fit your identity or story or morality as opposed to all impulses. this is why intentionally abandoning identity (a long process) is very helpful

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

8 months

anxiety arose because I was fixated on controlling the future. Almost everyone is. meditation helps one see that this is not the only way of thinking. this doesn’t mean I don’t plan for the future; I simply don’t worry about it

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

“social media is a waste of time” is a legendary psyop

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

8 months

I wonder if physics and math are things I care about or things I want to care about

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

5 months

releasing my forehead muscles took about two years of emotional processing and over 200 hours of meditation. I'm pretty sure forehead muscle tension is one of the root causes of hair loss in both men and women fwiw (experiments on that front ongoing)

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

the two kinds of writing around here: 1) fast philosophy, likes to invent words, with references and historical context, very meta, male-coded (boring) 2) mid 20s wonderposting, a tale of two cities (SF and NYC), hyperfocused on the mundane, female-coded (boring)

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

4 months

what I consider to be the core skills of modern life: - meditation; somatic awareness; emotional regulation - the ability to feel deep compassion and empathy - the ability to analyze people, situations, and the self dispassionately - understanding of how your physical conditions

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

5 months

avoid explicitly acknowledging anything that you don’t want to be real. few realize that perception can bring something into existence

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

i'm constantly trying to create a coherent framework for enjoying life but I doubt "constantly trying to create a coherent framework for enjoying life" can be a part of any coherent framework for enjoying life

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

always come back to this lesswrong article on "ugh fields"

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

8 months

I tended to suppress anger when it felt unjustified or when it made me seem like a bad person. now if I’m angry at someone or about something that happened, I simply let myself feel anger and hate, even if whatever went wrong was entirely my fault. It tends to vanish after a bit

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

8 months

I was deeply anti-religion at 15 but at 25 I finally understand it. it feels so much better to do things for purposes beyond oneself

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

find all of the things that inspire you and put them in one place right now, so that you can further understand and develop your taste

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

2 years

for some reason I’m really averse to philosophy, like if someone brings it up my brain goes “idgaf about this” and I zone out complete. I think this is really lucky

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

6 months

no longer feel like I have to do something hugely important to compensate for all the things I messed up

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

flow state is the best drug

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

5 months

once you reach a certain level it will repeatedly obliterate every convenient fiction and coping mechanism much faster than you can create new ones. you need a firm grip on reality and a willingness to experiment throughout varying degrees of discomfort

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

10 months

Feynman on the "computer disease"

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

10 months

something I wrote a while ago on power:

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

8 months

and wrt achievement: I just do whatever is easy and convenient. Which is fine, it’s working for me, but I do feel a bit bad when I see people doing things I know I could do and becoming very successful. Idk how to deal with this yet

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

2 years

travel is great for getting perspective and learning about the world, but I think it's more valuable to have friends who you see regularly and a good routine in a place you like. frequent repotting harms the tree!

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

5 months

high openness must be modulated by the development of taste

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

5 months

everything benefits from just a little more attention to detail. untie the laces and put your shoes on instead of leaving them tied and jamming your feet into them. take the towel off the rod carefully so the rod doesn't eventually come out of the wall

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

6 months

there's something obviously correct about the concept of trauma but I'm not fully satisfied by it. It feels like something else must be going wrong for such minor events (relative to the horrors that were commonplace throughout human and pre-human history) to be so destabilizing

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

7 months

new blog post. i'm not even sure what to say about this one... vomited my soul onto the page

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

4 months

this is worth emphasizing - nearly every time I've encountered a community that was created with the primary goal of creating a community the vibes were way off. on the other hand almost every community oriented around a goal or interest was great

ftlsid

@ftlsid

4 months

oh also I think top-down community building essentially doesn't work because of the mechanics of status so I've been trying to avoid those scenes as well

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

6 months

relaxed, in the middle of two books, no grand ambitions to fulfill, no identity to validate, nothing to prove. slightly bored. looking for something to get interested in

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

7 months

tentatively it seems like I no longer identify with or fixate on being smart. and I think this was the only thing preventing me for immersing myself in learning and study. exciting

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

11 months

normal: desire arises -> take action to satisfy desire pathological: desire arises -> mind predicts suffering associated with acting on desire -> mind attempts to crush desire into nothing -> tension, dissonance, perpetual lack of motivation

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

mood

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

6 months

the process of modifying my own mind through meditation and emotional work is by far the most interesting hobby I've ever picked up

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

7 months

deep relaxation transgresses against several pillars of our society and is therefore something of a dark art. you're on your own for this one

ftlsid

@ftlsid

7 months

to summarize I spent the last two years learning how to relax

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

10 months

im out here squandering my potential

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

it's easy to derive meaning from climbing mountains or building rockets or creating art. the greater challenge is in noticing the meaning in the quotidian, in experiencing a sense of purpose and focus as you wipe the lint off your clothes dryer filter once again

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

10 months

btw I think this is the way to get things done in general, using interest, desire, and attraction instead of discipline or self-control

ftlsid

@ftlsid

10 months

the way to spend less time on this app is to prepare more interesting sources of interaction and information, and allow your focus to shift automatically

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

8 months

if your philosophy and habits don't explicitly prefer feeling good over feeling bad then don't be surprised when you suffer

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

10 months

in - software - wilderness - running - research - friends - meditation out - international travel - unemployment - searching for meaning - writing - whining

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 month

I am going to do small projects and see them through and use this process to build up my abilities and confidence

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

2 years

1. find something you like 2. learn more about it 3. take it way too far

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

11 months

I took about a year and a half off after 9 months of full time. I learned so much about myself. doesn't matter what's normal; nobody is stopping you

eunice ⚡️ 지수

@theonlyuni

11 months

oh how I wish I could help ppl take a sabbatical in their early 20s 😭 make post-first-job sabbatical normal !!!

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

1 year

my superconductor knowledge is increasing by the hour

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

8 months

the exhilaration of maintaining a large number of friendships while being an avoidant recluse

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

8 months

Attachment… not completely fixed. I used to be avoidant with my friends and I stopped doing that over time. I’ve become more comfortable expressing affection. But resolving the tension and clinging to outcomes I feel around other people still seems difficult

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

2 months

new note

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

11 months

btw you can probably fix most minor to medium bodily issues if you're willing to read bio papers for a month. understandably there tends to be an immense gap between what doctors / webmd will tell you and what researchers are willing to do to mice

ftlsid

@ftlsid

11 months

incidentally I think I'm going to put some effort into understanding how muscle tension is influenced by diet and see if I can fix my jaw once and for all

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

10 months

@tweetsbenedict I relate to this a lot. after a hellish four years in high school I didn't attend classes for most of my undergrad and avoided student orgs, preferring to spend my time in the library or the climbing gym. even now, at 25, I can't handle situations that require me to perform

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ftlsid

@ftlsid

5 months

part of me is actually afraid of becoming seriously interested in any topic because the last time that happened I spent a full year and a half reading papers and doing math in every spare moment. I didn’t leave the apartment for weeks at a time

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