FMyLife @fml Twitter profile

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

@theneedledrop This is what you need in your life, maybe.

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FMyLife

@fml

4 years

Good luck #BackToSchool

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

I see what you did there. #FML http://t.co/AABhMl6enu

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FMyLife

@fml

10 years

Let his people go! #FML http://t.co/2agVVVbPx1

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

Follow the code. #FML http://t.co/wysOwVz1KU

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

This means NOTHING. #FML http://t.co/9grBexlD02

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

Have a picture format FML, all nice colours and stuff: http://t.co/5KjLK5uNAx

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FMyLife

@fml

4 years

@ContraPoints Hang in there <3

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

The best punchline. #FML http://t.co/M3B9fiFOfZ

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

Gospel of Luke. #FML http://t.co/0Xh1fbtLS8

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

Rock on! #FML http://t.co/IcvTZQvLLI

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

COME ON! YOU CAN DO IT! Oh wait... SHIT. #FML http://t.co/6ThNJMvdbc

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

They say the truth sets you free. Well... #FML http://t.co/HDf9haxxfW

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

This relationship needs to evolve. #FML http://t.co/t2tqmpRc8T

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

This man is my hairo. #FML http://t.co/kxdk6do0OJ

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

Be careful what you wish for. #FML http://t.co/ohzMuJAxrf

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

Best party.

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

Feeling FML about your body-type? Wondering what to wear? This chart should help: http://t.co/UYzvLUYnoc

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FMyLife

@fml

7 months

Get our app to post FMLs and more: or just click here to share your story:

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

@h3h3productions @attorney_tom FAMILY! FAMILY! FAMILY!

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

Derpy thirsty dog FML #PositiveTwitterDay

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

The pussy monster. #FML http://t.co/M0tN5oboZT

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

OMG, IT'S BACK?! #FML http://t.co/NIZVlNx8Fr

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

France is wild.

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

Awkward. #FML http://t.co/QFdhIFrP5p

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

Have another picture-format FML: http://t.co/86UESjKGRh

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FMyLife

@fml

4 years

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FMyLife

@fml

4 years

When does it end, FFS

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

Here’s a picture FML for you guys: http://t.co/upWtMu9Mg4

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FMyLife

@fml

4 years

@JelloDice @realDonaldTrump Twitter is pretty wild right now.

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

KitKats and FMLs! Yay! You can find more like this on our Instagram account! http://t.co/GbEwzxIrUf

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FMyLife

@fml

8 years

FML awarded.

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

Black Friday fallout: http://t.co/Q7uAmU7oRE

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, I found a leather book in my husband's sock drawer with "BRO CODE" on the front. It was blank except for the last page, which said, "NICE TRY SUSAN BUT EVERYONE KNOWS BRO CODE IS UNWRITTEN AND FOR GUYS ONLY". Well-played, husband. Well-played. #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, my coworker was talking about how he's met the man of his dreams and they've been dating for 3 months. He showed me a picture of them at Niagara Falls last weekend. His new boyfriend is my husband, who was supposedly on a business trip in Boston. #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

Saturday night mood

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

Social media right now:

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

Yep, it’s nearly Halloween season.

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

Dogs and bacon. What could go wrong? http://t.co/6eFhWh4Okj

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FMyLife

@fml

10 years

Remember, in a lot of countries, tomorrow is Mother's Day. Use it wisely. #FML http://t.co/sFoIG0OLFj

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FMyLife

@fml

10 years

Mosh pot #fml http://t.co/Yi8csgYOHR

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

Here's a picture-format FML from our Instagram account (also called @fml !): http://t.co/XLkba7ucPq

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

Want more like this? Follow @fml on Instagram! http://t.co/UaUtnViSA8

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

FML gets a mention in the wonderful Sarah Z’s latest video. Yay! It made us feel almost relevant again. Go watch it, it’s fascinating.

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FMyLife

@fml

4 years

Rekt

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FMyLife

@fml

4 years

Probably start screaming

Tastemade

@tastemade

4 years

What would you do if this was on your Thanksgiving table? 🎥 : halasweetsmn / IG

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, after 38 years of never meeting my dad, and paying a private investigator thousands of pounds over several weeks of searching, I found him living 2 floors down in the same block of flats. He’s the grouchy downstairs neighbour I’ve hated for 6 years #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

10 years

Spawn camper! #FML http://t.co/qC6KUhOhIB

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

Today, I found out my son has been sneaking out of his room at night to see his girlfriend. He's a fully-grown 23-year-old man with a job and his own car. He doesn't need to sneak out. What an idiot. FML

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, we did icebreakers at a summer program. I'm really awkward but I got paired with a really nice guy. I noticed his right hand was very soft, so I joked, "Do you only moisturize one hand?" Then I understood. Then he understood that I understood. We're partners all week. #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

4 years

@shoe0nhead Thanks, I fucking hate it.

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FMyLife

@fml

4 years

Vibe check:

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, at 2 in the afternoon, I walked in on my 6-year-old making coffee. When I asked what he was doing, he said, "You were being grumpy, and you said coffee makes you not so grumpy." #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

12 years

Back by popular demand, the picture FML: http://t.co/YDLuV67b

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

@h3h3productions SOMETHING IS ABOUT TO BUST

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

Saturday Night Fever #SaturdayVibes

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FMyLife

@fml

4 years

My inner demons when the exorcist turns up :

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, my 92-year-old great-grandfather ran down the stairs in excitement, despite his severe arthritis. He told my great-grandmother that he was having the first erection in over 10 years, and grandma ordered me to leave so they could do it right there. #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, I told my mom that my wife and I got her a birthday present, but she won't be getting it until April. That instantly pissed her off, cussing us out calling us cheap worthless selfish bastards. I was about to surprise her that she's finally going to be a grandma. #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

My will to live:

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FMyLife

@fml

4 years

Vibe check:

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

"I'm like a bird I'll only fly away… Oh."

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, I was going out with my boyfriend after recently coming out to my dad. On my way out the door, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Suck that dick like a champ tonight, son." #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

Today, while vacationing with my boyfriend of 9 years, he started writing "Wi" in the sand. I instantly hoped he was going to propose by writing, "Will you marry me" on the beach. He spelled out "wiener" instead. FML #BeachFail

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

@h3h3productions @_Starkilla He really needs to find a new hobby like collecting roadkill or haunting a lake or whatever.

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

@shoe0nhead

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FMyLife

@fml

8 years

Today, my country elected a man who thinks global warming is a hoax. FML

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, I gave birth to my first son. He was 11 pounds and the labour lasted 22 hours. My husband was absent for 8 of those hours because he slipped when my water broke, cracked his head, and ended up in the ER next door. #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

Today, my car keys are in my house and my house keys are in my car, and I'm in neither. FML

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

Today, I was at another long swim-meet, when my daughter shaved 15 seconds off her record swim time. When I asked her how she did it, she replied, "Well someone told me to swim as fast as I can." She's just been taking her time all these years. FML

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

Vibe check:

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, my mother-in-law screamed at the top of her lungs in front of our friends and family that I was stealing her baby away from her. I'd only suggested we go home because he had a migraine. Her baby is 24 years old and has been married to me for a year. #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

4 years

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

Today, my girlfriend saw my room for the first time and started yelling at me, calling me racist, white trash for having a Confederate flag hanging on my wall. It's a British flag. FML

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

Looking forward to the weekend

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FMyLife

@fml

4 years

Vibe check:

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FMyLife

@fml

12 years

Have you had this one? Have it anyway! http://t.co/KMGgPW1y

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

Today, I finally decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. Surprisingly, he and my father already knew each other, so I asked him how they met. Now I know where my boyfriend gets all his weed. FML

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FMyLife

@fml

7 years

Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, after months of my (now ex) boyfriend telling me he wished I was blonde with big boobs, I finally retaliated with "I wish you were a redhead with a big dick, but you don't see me complaining." He cried and said I should love him for who he is. #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, my son surprised me by waking me up to be first to greet me a happy birthday. He was with his marching band buddies in full battle gear, playing the chorus of Stars and Stripes Forever. In my bedroom. At 5am. #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

11 years

Check out our fantabulous Instagram account for more like this: http://t.co/krFBeHLnSF

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FMyLife

@fml

12 years

Have a look at this! http://t.co/g05oDIWR

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

"So, how you feeling today?" Me:

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, I confessed to my husband that I quoted Lightning McQueen in an interview and got my dream job because of it. He wont stop laughing and telling my friends. I'm never going to live this down. #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, my daughter apparently have had enough of my mother-in-law's favoritism and constant bashing at me by going: "Grandma, might I highly recommend death at this point." She's 7. #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, I discovered that my ex is still my emergency contact at work. I found this out when I fainted and my work called her. She told them to "pull the plug". #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, at my job as a 2nd grade teacher, I was explaining to my students how I'm pregnant and will have to take a break from teaching after I have my baby. One of my students replied with "Ooooooooohhh Ms. Johnson had sex!" #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

10 years

Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML

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FMyLife

@fml

4 years

Vibe check:

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

Today, at lunch, my seven-year-old daughter and I had a chat. I asked her if she had a sweetheart. She said, "My sex life is none of your business." FML

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FMyLife

@fml

3 years

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

Today, my boyfriend took me to get the abortion we both agreed on. He was so supportive through the whole thing. When it was all over I thanked him for coming. He replied, "Well that's what got us here in the first place!" He's still mad he can't tell anyone his joke. FML

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, our work computers are down, and I've been trying to fix it via my home computer for 3 days. My 12-year-old son took one look at the screen, changed 2 settings on a drop down menu, and the problem was fixed. My 12-year-old is better at my job than I am. #FML

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FMyLife

@fml

5 years

Cats have parenting FMLs too

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FMyLife

@fml

6 years

Today, I, a man in his 40s, had to be taken to the hospital because I was laughing so hard at an old Disney movie that my diaphragm went into spasms. I stopped breathing and passed out for a few minutes and my son had to call an ambulance. #FML

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