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Tiffany Profile
Tiffany

@fifthtimecharm

1,267
Followers
471
Following
762
Media
7,402
Statuses

Award losing

Chicago, IL
Joined August 2019
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
6 months
I told myself I’d come back to Twitter when I accomplished something with my life. I’ve accomplished a lot since then, but I specifically had in mind that I wanted to publish this piece I drafted in 2020, and I finally did. I hope you’ll read.
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
3 years
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
Texts from mom about the cat
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
3 months
Don’t make it weird
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 months
What the fuck
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
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@MegWingerter
Meg Wingerter
5 years
From my inbox: a proposal to protect schools from shooters by installing a sprinkler system that sprays olive oil, so an attacker would fall and not be able to get to the classrooms. Not one I've heard before.
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
3 years
3 different people have QTed this with “dudes rock”
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
At least once a day I can hear my boyfriend watching the ok boomer girl video from the other room where he “works from home”
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 months
@LaughterHaver Hilarious choice of sub
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 months
I have the weirdest plug
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
Men love referring to one of their male friends as “a buddy of mine” when telling a story
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 months
@madisontayt_ I JUST did a deep dive on that person’s account yesterday after this response to someone venting about their medical condition. Supposedly “detective wiggles” is deathly allergic to fabric softener
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
How to lose a potential tenant
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
@afrodietee_ @caffeineaddicte @eye_am_sprout @olivia_vault You’re not “wasting away.” When you remove carbs from your diet, your body utilizes fat as its primary energy source instead, which is conducive to weight loss. It’s also helpful for a number of metabolic conditions like PCOS.
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
@caffeineaddicte @eye_am_sprout @olivia_vault None of you know what you’re talking about no offense
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
3 years
@bozobubby Texts with threatening auras
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
Obligatory follow-up
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
@FecesEater @afrodietee_ @caffeineaddicte @eye_am_sprout @olivia_vault Avoiding carbs is literally the healthiest dietary choice for people who are insulin resistant like myself, and it doesn’t hurt for those who are struggling to lose weight.
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 months
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
@Braingetter @BarackObama It really bothers me that you started eating the second burger before you finished the first one
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
@olivia_vault @FecesEater @afrodietee_ @caffeineaddicte @eye_am_sprout Lol no worries I’m not offended, I too follow keto people on instagram for entertainment because some of the recipes are nasty as fuck. It just grinds my gears that fad dieters have delegitimized keto as a way of eating because it is medically therapeutic for many people
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 months
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
After urging my last employer to mail me my final paycheck for two months, I finally said fuck it and went to pick it up in person. Got home and opened it to find that I have been mercilessly trolled
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
6 months
Cause I’m a Peep I’m marshmallow What the hell am I doing here It isn’t Easter
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
I’m listening
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
New roommates seem cool
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
2 months
(Life going generally okay) could my life get any fucking worse
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Tiffany
3 years
Gumby making gumbo
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
@gatorbol It’s a Ferrari
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
The picture is of a pie with the numerical value of pi cut out of the crust
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 months
Latest update but he’s always like this
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
It appears my calendar app has been compromised
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
Performance art
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
@behindbluefries @chunkbardey 1/2 cup measuring cups are pretty standard kitchen utensils
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
3 years
Dump him sis!
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
6 months
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
7 days
Great
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
Today on the CTA: watched a woman openly smoke a blunt and then attempt to mask the smell by lighting an entire bundle of incense and waving it around with her other hand, filling the train car with smoke. Power move
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
Women posting their Ls in long form
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Tiffany
5 years
What a fucking narcissist
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
Great dairy free mac and cheese recipe I found on reddit for all my vegan and lactose intolerant friends
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
This is the most artistically inspired I’ve been in months
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 months
I’m snorting a retweet in the club bathroom. My friend puts her hand up and says, “only likes for me, thanks.” Someone calls the cops because a woman is on the floor going viral.
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
I am a paralegal. My boss, the head attorney at my firm, is the brother of Joe Biden’s former chief of staff. I make $15 an hour in Chicago and get one vacation day a year. In response to this pandemic, I have gotten one email telling me to wash my hands and wipe down my desk.
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
I dislike self-congratulatory posts that air dirty laundry and allege mistreatment as much as anyone, but I finally cut out my abusive as shit ex-boyfriend, and if you’ve known me on any personal level these past two years you know this is worth popping champagne for
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
How to jailbreak your air fryer
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
11:59 pm: Grean bean. Palestine is the capital of Israel. Mickey’s Mouse 12:00 am: Lying on my childhood bed in the dark and thinking about how I have failed
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
3 months
Holding court
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
Boyfriend got me a shirt
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Tiffany
4 years
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
Valentine’s baby who accidentally cropped her heels out oh god what a rotten caption I’ve forgotten how to tweet
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
3 years
I saw you looking at me from across the room. You must recognize me from my time trolling on yahoo answers
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Tiffany
4 months
I LOVE EATING JUNK!!!!!!!! I LOVE EATING CRAP
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
@DrZalac @bopinion Nah, they’re right in this case
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
Every time someone says something mean about me online I print it out and fold it into a little paper airplane and throw it in my fireplace
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Tiffany
5 years
Off to a good start
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
Am I having a stroke
@um_fag
moral turpitude
5 years
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Tiffany
4 years
@mlwaex I hate everyone in this screenshot
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
@olivia_vault Eh for those of us who are insulin resistant, the sentiment isn’t wrong. A lot of people are stupid about it though. Eating globs of fat in mass quantities is gross and not required to maintain ketosis
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Tiffany
3 years
What does this format lend to the content or delivery of the joke
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
@dancingofpens @AyeshaASiddiqi @1followernodad If I may interject as someone who is also lowkey suicidal, we do our collective mental health no favors by denying reality. Pretending this will go away soon does nothing to heal the pain, it only postpones it. To survive our circumstances we must first accept them.
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
3 years
Boyfriend lent me an old pair of glasses and started laughing that I “look like David Foster Wallace” so he made me put on a bandana and take this picture
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
3 years
@insensitivemoon @binnetttt1 @teoswurId Your intrusive thoughts aren’t a representation of who you are that’s why they’re intrusive?
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
Posting one of my little tweets
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
Recently I was reminded why I keep returning to twitter when I saw a person get mad at an Elliot Rodger meme for being insensitive and then when someone asked who Elliot Rodger was the mad person said, with total earnestness, “he shot a bunch of people because he was down bad”
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
This shirt had stains on it so I covered them up with teeth
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
True New Yorkers greet every rat by name
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
One time I was at Chick-fil-a and I watched an employee enter a restroom after a customer, chase said customer down and yell “sir? SIR! You might want to flush that” in front of the whole restaurant. The secondhand humiliation keeps me up at night
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Tiffany
4 years
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
Writing a story about a snowman who goes on vacation to Florida called “Snowy J. Melty” which I released in weekly installments and made my 6th grade teacher pass out to the other students
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
No response
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Tiffany
4 years
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Tiffany
5 months
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
At the E1 recording last night my current boyfriend said “everyone here looks like they could be one of your ex boyfriends” and I laughed and locked eyes with my ex who cheated on me 4 years ago, sitting next to the girl he cheated on me with
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 months
Now I know teddy bear account ain’t halfheartedly thotting it up on the timeline
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
Indie folk band spotify cover photo
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
3 years
@chump_dick Dudes rock
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Tiffany
1 month
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
I don’t care if I lose my job sharing this information, I am in a privileged enough position that I know my boyfriend will help me with rent or god forbid my parents. I am more worried about the people who can’t speak out against their employers
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
@devinafterdark @memtapes @victoriaxxviii @SeanRMoorhead Yeah especially given Trump’s demonization of “fake news,” older Democrats seem to view media consumption as an act of resistance which is unfortunately a difficult mindset to penetrate
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Tiffany
4 years
The depravity of the instagram diet community knows no bounds
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
I’ve never felt more like myself
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
Only New Yorkers will get this
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
Daving Busters
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
Short rats are trans
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
Reviewing the employee handbook for my new job and getting excited about my vacation this year. Might live it up and go to the mall, or take a flight to Hawaii and wait for it to turn back around while everyone else deboards
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
Thinking of turning off notifications for the family group text
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 months
Choosing the wrong dialogue option every time I interact with a coworker
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
Wait
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@gabrielsolisxx
gabe ☆
5 years
every girl’s thanksgiving fit for tomorrow
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Tiffany
5 months
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
3 months
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
In middle school I filled multiple notebooks with an original comic series called “Snake and Peary” which was a rip-off of Tom and Jerry but with a snake and a pear
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
My dad sent this to the family group text
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
4 years
I venmo requested my ex for some money he owed me and he went back and tallied up every time he bought me a Diet Coke at McDonald’s and charged me for all of them
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
5 years
3 cheese tortellini pizza. I’m not even high
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@fifthtimecharm
Tiffany
3 years
Caroline Calloway who
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