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Rachel Profile
Rachel

@femaleredhead

30,948
Followers
784
Following
799
Media
9,448
Statuses

beep boop | she/her

Los Angeles, CA
Joined November 2019
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
yeah sex is cool but what about when you’re cutting wrapping paper and it goes ——— instead of ~~~~~
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
girls be like “happy birthday to the craziest person i know” and it’s just sarah
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
motion sickness is so embarrassing. like oh no the car is moving why don’t i throw up about it
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
oh your boyfriend’s a doctor? well my boyfriend is now the coach of an imaginary football team for the next 4 months
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
my plastic vampire fangs thay ON during thex
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
Men will never understand what it feels like to be 16/17 and have an older man pursue you. Your brain is not even fully developed and you are easily manipulated into thinking that the attention you are receiving is appropriate. Stop blaming children for the behavior of adults
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
in the unreleased third movie, mike wazowski opens up a tattoo parlor called monster’s ink
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
sorry i’m late there was this fucking cargo ship
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
you can’t just respect the penis. you’ve gotta
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
a dating app for people who have been vaccinated called Syringe
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
i am an old man and twitter is my porch
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
sorry i unpacked all my trauma do you still want to kiss
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
i love that girls can comment “are you FUCKING kidding me with this SHIT??” on each other’s photos and we know that’s a compliment
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
thinkin about halloween ‘17 when the guy i had been seeing came home with another girl and i was already on his couch smoking weed with his roommates, still fully dressed as guy fieri
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
this is my new fave conspiracy theory
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
fuck this pandemic i can’t keep buying things online just to have something to look forward to
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
gm
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
i am an old man and twitter is my porch
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
this is literally just doing drugs
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
if i go ever missing and some teenage girl on tik tok talks through the facts of my disappearance while doing a makeup routine i swear to god…
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
me staying muted in the zoom when my boss asks everyone how their weekend was
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
pronouns? i’m actually anti-nouns. i hate people, places and things
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
“are you ok?” no, the sun is setting before 5pm
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
chivalry? very much alive
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
every woman has one good boob and one problematic boob. it’s a universal truth
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
i think everyday people should have to post breakup statements on their instagram like celebrities do
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
i am so full of love. and anger. like a lava lamp
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
i love when the IT people at work take over my computer and fix it virtually like yes tech daddy take the wheel
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
time to pick out a bottle of wine based on my rigorous process (cutest label at the cheapest price)
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
i hope this email finds you doing hot girl shit
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
naming my daughter sue but it’s short for subaru
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
1 year
if i tell you my head hurts i don’t want you to ask me if i’ve had enough water. i want you to drop to your knees and scream “she doesn’t deserve this!!!” until god puts me out of my misery
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
it’s always “who’s daddy’s little cumslut” and never “how’s daddy’s little cumslut”
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
reading for pleasure implies the existence of reading for pain
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
“can’t wait for our next adventure” which will be going to taco bell on a school night
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
sorry your football team sucks do you still wanna kiss
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
shut up elena
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
men should not be finding things funny. manslaughter is illegal for a reason
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then god: LOL wow, you are funny
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
wow
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
I was only 15 years old and i thought “being mature for my age” was a compliment. Now i realize it was a predatory line
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
child with undiagnosed mental health issues: everything is hard their parent, who also never got diagnosed: that’s totally normal kiddo!
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
men just don’t put your picture in their locket and go off to war and die like they used to
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
guy who started trader joe’s was like “what if we made a grocery store where you can’t get anything you need BUT there’s palpable sexual tension with the cashiers”
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
“more like general manager” it’s still imaginary babe
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
growing up means realizing that carrie from sex and the city is actually an insufferable toxic bitch
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
the queen this the queen that. what about me
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
vaccinated and ready to fuck...ing stay at home because it turns out i love it here
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
you’re in his DMs, i’m in a hell of my own making
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
and apparently it’s multiple teams. i am so proud
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
how to have a fat ass in a god honoring way
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
“men are useless” that’s not true, they always offer you a dusty glass of water after sex
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
for me, a long weekend isn’t made up of two saturdays followed by a sunday. it’s one saturday followed by two sundays. i will not be elaborating
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
i told my therapist i wanna date the type of guy who would paint his nails and she said “let’s start with someone who is nice to you”
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
the “men” i’m referring to in “men will never understand” are those who exhibit or defend behavior like this. cis women are of course not the only ones who are targeted underage
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
no offense but nobody has to contribute anything to society in order to have the right to be alive
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
“who the FUCK do you think you are get the hell out of here bitch” and i’m like “omfg thank you 😭”
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
the way voldemort lived rent free in harry’s head... embarrassing
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
let me make this clear: i made a generalized statement but men are both perpetrators and victims. i was only speaking from my experience as a woman
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
what’s the pettiest reason you’ve ever stopped seeing someone? one guy i dated said he never took naps and i walked
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
i don’t mean to bother anyone but what the fuck is happening
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
just turned wine into vomit. your move, jesus
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
men love getting you water after sex it’s like the one little job they’re good at
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
maybe cyberbullying is okay sometimes
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
i’m just a gal fieri looking for her guy fieri
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
i’m thankful for being funny AND hot
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
i just wanna date a dude whose personality wasn’t shaped by family guy, south park or the office
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
if you can’t handle me at my two glasses of red wine you don’t deserve me at my four glasses of red wine
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
no mormo
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
woke up still attracted to men... better luck next time
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
*at brunch* waiter: what can i get you? friend: bloody mary other friend: bloody mary bloody mary in the mirror: ok ok one more cmon third friend: mimosa
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
if your mom let you play on the jungle gym inside a mcdonald’s don’t worry about what’s in the vaccine
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
follow me if this turned you on
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
men be like “hand me the aux cord I’m about to change your life” then play drake
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
i’m not a fan of country but i do love how male country singers are like “i love fishing and my truck” and female country singers are like “i’m going to kill my husband”
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
everyone i know is either getting engaged or getting covid and both are equally terrifying to me right now
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
dating app for people in texas with covid called catch. com
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
(i am super car sick rn)
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
tell me why you broke up, who is at fault and who’s keeping the dog
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
follow me for more astute observations!!
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
this is my favorite stock photo
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@femaleredhead
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5 years
@grandpa I’ve never even seen a television
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@femaleredhead
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4 years
i think i’m gonna retire after this one
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@femaleredhead
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4 years
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
“i can’t believe i haven’t tested positive for covid once over the past 2 years!” covid:
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
whenever i see a bee on a flower i’m like yeah dude, that’s exactly where you’re supposed to be
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
a dating app for clumsy people called stumble
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@femaleredhead
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4 years
was gonna vote for biden but then i saw a group of men aggressively waving a trump flag while sneering at me so i changed my mind
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
3 years
i was in college when i realized that santa in the song “i saw mommy kissing santa claus” was just the dad. so i spent 20 years thinking mommy was a cheating piece of shit
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@femaleredhead
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4 years
all women are beautiful and all men are named matt
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
what if texas was spelled techsis
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
“check your email” no, that’s where the emails live
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@femaleredhead
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4 years
what are some of your fave nicknames for your pet(s)? the more absurd the better
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
2 years
emily in paris. mercury in retrograde. when is it my turn to be somewhere
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@femaleredhead
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4 years
@adamgreattweet i recently purchased a to go cup for wine so i can take it on dog walks
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
damn that’s crazy
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@femaleredhead
Rachel
4 years
no girl has all three: - good vision - the will to live - a working digestive tract
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@femaleredhead
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4 years
@jfksafk a life full of ~~~? sad
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