The most romantic moment in any movie ever is when Amélie gets Nino to the station in time to see that the mystery photo booth guy is actually the repairman, and I will die a thousand deaths on that hill.
@ValeeGrrl
My 1st grader made cards for each kid in his class. In each one he wrote something specific for each kid and drew a picture. He just thought it’d be a nice way to say goodbye to his classmates. Those are the things that let me know I’m not totally fucking this parenting thing up.
@ElyKreimendahl
I am a kindergarten teacher and so many parents take it SO seriously and I'm just like please don't log on it's fine I don't like this either. No one likes this. No one.
@decentbirthday
An elderly woman showed up with a man with NO ARMS. Like, the person she brought with her to help her was literally without the body parts needed to help load a couch into a van. The marketplace is wild, y’all.
@decentbirthday
I put a couch on FB marketplace a few years ago for free, but you had to come and get it. I let the interested party know that no one could help them move it, so they’d have to have at least two people. They assured me it was no problem.
@ElyKreimendahl
And please know that I take my student's education very seriously. But like, they're 5. They can't do work on a computer. Many parents don't have access to printers or are working. And also, they can't teach like I can, so I'm going to have to reteach anyway! Play in the snow.
@rebeccarmix
Yup. You didn’t thank him for his unwanted opinion WHILE also letting him know that you don’t need him to validate you bc you do it for yourself already. You know this same guy definitely tells women to smile on the regular. Ick ick ick.
@BABYAFRlCA
@YasminNoEplz
In that girl’s defense tho, I would be in the background looking the same thinking “I’m here in a tee shirt and leggings while this woman is straight 🔥 next me smdh”
@decentbirthday
So they get out of the van and my husband realizes that the “helper” is armless and that he’s about to legit try and help this woman lift a giant couch with his shoulders? So he just helps them move it into their van, that on further inspection resembles a mobile meth lab.
@decentbirthday
The guy did help move the pillows by carrying them under his chin, so 🤷🏻♀️. And that how we got rid of our couch on the FB marketplace.
@decentbirthday
And in my defense, I tweet-quoted this w/ this same story and it got 1 gd like. I just assumed it wasnt as funny as we thought it to be at the time, or I wouldn’t have left y’all hanging all night. I’d say follow me for more funny stories, but I’m not sure I can top this one 🤷🏻♀️
@decentbirthday
Oh. Wow, ok. My husband worked from home and the couch was in his office, so the instructions said to drive directly down our driveway, to the back. I was upstairs packing bc moving. I get a FB notification that they’be arrived and I let my husband know.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but EMPLOYER BASED HEALTH INSURANCE IS NOT FREE YOU ARE LITERALLY PAYING A HUGE SUM OF MONEY FOR IT ON TOP OFF ALL YOUR COPAYS, DEDUCTIBLES AND OUT OF POCKET EXPENSES WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU OMG.
@D_Scott1118
@ABC
I make $50k a year. I have a masters degree and I work AT LEAST 15 hrs/wk unpaid to do all the work I need to in order to effectively do my job and now I need to be trained in open combat?!? Fuck that.
@KimmyMonte
I was walking in Park Slope w the girl I nannied for and this super creepy guy was walking towards us and he was smiling a creepy smile and I was like OMG STRANGER DANGER and then I realized it was Steve Buschemi who lived in the neighborhood and is just super fucking nice.
Sometimes I worry that I’ve just become completely unhinged in the last year and then I read something like that Rebecca Renner story and I realize that I’m doing just fine.
I took my 6 year old to see
@HamiltonMusical
and now every time we listen to Cabinet Battle
#1
he whispers “you hear me cheering? I was there” to his little brother.
I don’t have the heart to tell him otherwise 🤷🏻♀️
@ALNL
Ok, have you tried getting a job that pays an absurd amount of money and can’t possibly be an “every person” situation? Have you moved into your parents second home rent free? These are some of the suggestions I’ve seen- hope this helps!
@BriannaShrum
I would do literally anything with Paul Rudd. I would sort through garbage with Paul Rudd. I would grab a drink with Paul Rudd. I would clean out horse stalls with Paul Rudd. I would go to a concert with Paul Rudd. There is no situation that would not be made better by Paul Rudd.
@nicolebyer
I know this is a joke, but sometimes is parents have to transport our children long distances in a short time frame. Trust me when I say that, for the most part, this process is a lot more stressful for us than for you.
@justinboldaji
Oooh, are we making fun of ppl based on their looks only??? So fun! I loved when ppl did this to me in high school and I bet it’s SO MUCH MORE FUN on a platform like twitter!
@WalshFreedom
Well, we can’t trust the ppl pulling the triggers anymore, so let’s try something else now. I’d really prefer my first grader not be murdered at school.
@Nicole_Cliffe
I haven’t heard anything regarding royal gossip until this tweet and now I am following you bc I am beyond invested now. I need to know it ALL!
@WFKARS
@Nicole_Cliffe
An Uber driver recently told me I didn’t look old enough to have a 7 year old and I was just like “well played sir” and tipped him all the money.
@pawprintspets
@abc15
People can drive sober if they choose to do so. This is America not a Third World country. We should have a choice on what we want to do. I’m not against driving sober, but that’s my choice. Remember this is not a dictatorship
Do you people even hear yourselves?
@bessbell
The first time my baby slept through the night, I woke up and literally thought he was dead. True story.
Joke was on me though, bc he didn’t do it again for 3 years.
I have no idea what this is in reference to, but I love that whenever there is Melanie Lynskey slander, all of twitter is like "oh, absolutely fucking not". Beautiful.
I feel like I should let you all know that I have read your replies to the misogynistic lady’s unsuccessful tweet. I am honestly bursting with joy to have the support of so many very, very funny and smart and kind people. I mean. So funny
@MeghanMcCain
He laughs when trying to take away my family’s health insurance and my 4 year old’s preexisting condition protection, so I’m gonna laugh at him falling down, ok?
tell me a true, one-sentence story from your life that absolutely opens more questions than it answers and demands further context
i'll start -- i once saw a kid have a (small) chunk of his leg torn off by a piece of playground equipment
@ValeeGrrl
Also, 1/5th of that salary goes to having one of my children attend the school where I work (and that’s w a 35% employee discount of of tuition). Luckily my other kid is in public school.
Me, talking my husband into role playing in the bedroom: you be Robin Hood and I'll be Maid Marian.
Him: ok, which one? Costner?
Me: no.
Him: Russell Crowe?
Me: no.
Him:
Me:
Him: goddamnit.
@Lin_Manuel
This is my 3 year olds current favorite song. He screamed at me to play the “give me a kiss” song in the car the other day and it wasn’t until 35 mins later that I realized what he was talking about 😑
I don’t care where I am, who I’m with or what I’m doing—if Mr. Brightside comes on, I am going to sing it like my goddamn life depends on my performance in that moment idgaf
Today, after remote learning is done, I am going to get in my car, drive 5 minutes from my house, and check into a hotel until SUNDAY AFTERNOON. I am going to get take out, and watch movies, and drink prosecco and buy something unnecessary at anthropologie and be ALONE FOR 48 HRS
@KimberlyNFoster
And this album cover? The angle? Like, you can’t tell me this wasn’t a deliberate choice by some v old man. It’s really horrifying, tbh.
It feels like having a kissing scene with Jake Johnson would be bad actually, bc having a man that isn't yours ruin you forever would be depressing as hell. Like, you're just supposed to go back to regular kissing after that?!? Impossible.
I love the idea of Justin Timberlake waking up today thinking “well, at least all the people will love me today” and then all the people just being like “no”.
I’ve been rewatching Parks and Rec every night when I do work and I just watched this episode—and I swear to god, my first thought was “omg Jerry has covid” and we are all broken now, goddamnit.
@redfallon
@Lin_Manuel
😂😂 My son: I want to listen to *whispers* “I am not throwing away my shot”. That’s when I know he wants Right Hand Man. If he wants to listen to the real My Shot, he’ll just scream it.