hello, my name is @enterc1evername Twitter profile

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hello, my name is

4 years

The most romantic moment in any movie ever is when Amélie gets Nino to the station in time to see that the mystery photo booth guy is actually the repairman, and I will die a thousand deaths on that hill.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

I would literally walk through fire to get my hands on an extra large cup of Auntie Anne’s pretzel bites rn. Like, an actual wall of fire.

Freeyore

@MeWeFree_

5 years

You're in the mall and need a quick bite. Who are you hitting up?

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@ValeeGrrl My 1st grader made cards for each kid in his class. In each one he wrote something specific for each kid and drew a picture. He just thought it’d be a nice way to say goodbye to his classmates. Those are the things that let me know I’m not totally fucking this parenting thing up.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@ValeeGrrl I mean, he’s only in first grade so they were just one sentence notes, but each one was different and he was so proud!! 😭😭😭😭😭

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

9 months

@ElyKreimendahl I am a kindergarten teacher and so many parents take it SO seriously and I'm just like please don't log on it's fine I don't like this either. No one likes this. No one.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@decentbirthday An elderly woman showed up with a man with NO ARMS. Like, the person she brought with her to help her was literally without the body parts needed to help load a couch into a van. The marketplace is wild, y’all.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

1 year

Imagine what an absolute loser you have to be for Tim Robbins to feel the need to clarify that he would never hang out with you.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@decentbirthday I put a couch on FB marketplace a few years ago for free, but you had to come and get it. I let the interested party know that no one could help them move it, so they’d have to have at least two people. They assured me it was no problem.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

Every woman on twitter reading about about Chris D’Elia rn

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@jameelajamil @ladygaga Billy Porter: Hold my beer.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

2 years

@WrittenByHanna Same energy

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

This is my mom.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

9 months

@ElyKreimendahl And please know that I take my student's education very seriously. But like, they're 5. They can't do work on a computer. Many parents don't have access to printers or are working. And also, they can't teach like I can, so I'm going to have to reteach anyway! Play in the snow.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@rebeccarmix Yup. You didn’t thank him for his unwanted opinion WHILE also letting him know that you don’t need him to validate you bc you do it for yourself already. You know this same guy definitely tells women to smile on the regular. Ick ick ick.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

People coming together over their love of Auntie Anne’s pretzels truly warms my cold, dead heart.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@BABYAFRlCA @YasminNoEplz In that girl’s defense tho, I would be in the background looking the same thinking “I’m here in a tee shirt and leggings while this woman is straight 🔥 next me smdh”

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

3 years

I would burn down worlds for him.

CONSEQUENCE

@consequence

3 years

Keanu Reeves shared that his mother designed Dolly Parton’s Playboy outfit and after Dolly was done with it, he wore it for Halloween

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@decentbirthday So they get out of the van and my husband realizes that the “helper” is armless and that he’s about to legit try and help this woman lift a giant couch with his shoulders? So he just helps them move it into their van, that on further inspection resembles a mobile meth lab.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@decentbirthday The guy did help move the pillows by carrying them under his chin, so 🤷🏻‍♀️. And that how we got rid of our couch on the FB marketplace.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

2 years

@jasondashbailey He's just constantly mumbles unintelligibly until the person he is interviewing continues to talk. That's all he does!

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@decentbirthday And in my defense, I tweet-quoted this w/ this same story and it got 1 gd like. I just assumed it wasnt as funny as we thought it to be at the time, or I wouldn’t have left y’all hanging all night. I’d say follow me for more funny stories, but I’m not sure I can top this one 🤷🏻‍♀️

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@decentbirthday Oh. Wow, ok. My husband worked from home and the couch was in his office, so the instructions said to drive directly down our driveway, to the back. I was upstairs packing bc moving. I get a FB notification that they’be arrived and I let my husband know.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but EMPLOYER BASED HEALTH INSURANCE IS NOT FREE YOU ARE LITERALLY PAYING A HUGE SUM OF MONEY FOR IT ON TOP OFF ALL YOUR COPAYS, DEDUCTIBLES AND OUT OF POCKET EXPENSES WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU OMG.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

Fun fact: Almost every song in @HamiltonMusical syncs up to a 6.2 mph running pace. You’re welcome.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

2 years

@D_Scott1118 @ABC I make $50k a year. I have a masters degree and I work AT LEAST 15 hrs/wk unpaid to do all the work I need to in order to effectively do my job and now I need to be trained in open combat?!? Fuck that.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

2 years

@Srirachachau Weird.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@KimmyMonte I was walking in Park Slope w the girl I nannied for and this super creepy guy was walking towards us and he was smiling a creepy smile and I was like OMG STRANGER DANGER and then I realized it was Steve Buschemi who lived in the neighborhood and is just super fucking nice.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

3 years

Sometimes I worry that I’ve just become completely unhinged in the last year and then I read something like that Rebecca Renner story and I realize that I’m doing just fine.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

@catboyhokage @Drrramina I love this book, but this person is 💯 correct.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@willmarie_s @FunmiReadsHEAs I squatted down to tie my kids shoes today and fell over.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

I took my 6 year old to see @HamiltonMusical and now every time we listen to Cabinet Battle #1 he whispers “you hear me cheering? I was there” to his little brother. I don’t have the heart to tell him otherwise 🤷🏻‍♀️

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

9 months

So that new ads on Amazon prime thing kicked in and man, they really can just go fuck themselves with that.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 months

@theredmond Ok, fine. This dead person in heaven meeting another dead person in heaven is actually not terrible.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@AngryBlackLady I only eat cauliflower rice now, so I’m basically a sociopath now 🤷🏻‍♀️

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@pattonoswalt Idk, he didn’t so much snap as deliver a well articulated and accurate response 🤷🏻‍♀️

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

@ALNL Ok, have you tried getting a job that pays an absurd amount of money and can’t possibly be an “every person” situation? Have you moved into your parents second home rent free? These are some of the suggestions I’ve seen- hope this helps!

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

The Olive Garden is trending and I love the Olive Garden with my whole heart and I just hope the Olive Garden knows that.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

Not to be dramatic, but if Catherine O’Hara doesn’t win this well deserved Emmy, I will literally die.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@BriannaShrum I would do literally anything with Paul Rudd. I would sort through garbage with Paul Rudd. I would grab a drink with Paul Rudd. I would clean out horse stalls with Paul Rudd. I would go to a concert with Paul Rudd. There is no situation that would not be made better by Paul Rudd.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@AngryBlackLady Into the Groove.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@nicolebyer I know this is a joke, but sometimes is parents have to transport our children long distances in a short time frame. Trust me when I say that, for the most part, this process is a lot more stressful for us than for you.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@KaylaAncrum I was thinking about both shows the other day and concluded that this was my most important takeaway.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

@justinboldaji Oooh, are we making fun of ppl based on their looks only??? So fun! I loved when ppl did this to me in high school and I bet it’s SO MUCH MORE FUN on a platform like twitter!

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@Cinesnark I could have just used the gif, but this image is more in line w how I’m feeling tbh

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@DevonESawa If they were a friend they wouldn’t let you do time for their crime, so 🤷🏻‍♀️

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

@AngryBlackLady Yay! A countdown that doesn’t fill me with dread!!

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

3 months

Literally me if Kamala Harris picks Tim Walz for VP.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@ValeeGrrl I make $16,000/year as a preschool teacher. If I was single I wouldn’t be able to support myself on that salary.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@eosheawriting @TheCodeTroll @Christo_Unlimte @PitaChips01 @chandradawn1 @DylVey @decentbirthday I’m sorry! The very anticlimactic conclusion to this tale has been shared.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

Shout out to all the people buying sheet cakes at my local Costco. Get it.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

3 years

I know there’s a lot of discourse around # #TedLasso , but I think we can all agree

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@ThatEricAlper The Dark Crystal bc WTF JIM HENSON?!?

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

1 year

@offbeatorbit Please note that there are only 3 seasons (and a movie) of this beautiful show. Not 4. Just 3.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@WalshFreedom Well, we can’t trust the ppl pulling the triggers anymore, so let’s try something else now. I’d really prefer my first grader not be murdered at school.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

1 year

@been_herde Ok, but then like ToD Harrison Ford was like what if I was like 10% hotter? Bc, like <waves arms until they fall off>

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

Becoming.

Idaho Blue

@idaho_blue

4 years

Michelle Obama wrote the best seller Becoming. What will be the title of Melania’s book?

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@KarenKilgariff Me looking at the actual baby in the scene and trying to do the math of the person tagged like

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@AngryBlackLady Or feed it after midnight.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@Nicole_Cliffe I haven’t heard anything regarding royal gossip until this tweet and now I am following you bc I am beyond invested now. I need to know it ALL!

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@WFKARS @Nicole_Cliffe An Uber driver recently told me I didn’t look old enough to have a 7 year old and I was just like “well played sir” and tipped him all the money.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

3 years

@pawprintspets @abc15 People can drive sober if they choose to do so. This is America not a Third World country. We should have a choice on what we want to do. I’m not against driving sober, but that’s my choice. Remember this is not a dictatorship Do you people even hear yourselves?

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

@AngryBlackLady @bammertheblue How lucky are they tho that they get to see it for the first time. So lucky.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

3 years

I got these for Christmas and all of my 1994 dreams came truuuue.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

11 months

I LOVE THIS FOR US DIRTBAGS THAT STAYED ON THIS HELLSITE. THIS ONE'S FOR US.

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@enterc1evername

5 years

@bessbell The first time my baby slept through the night, I woke up and literally thought he was dead. True story. Joke was on me though, bc he didn’t do it again for 3 years.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

3 months

I have no idea what this is in reference to, but I love that whenever there is Melanie Lynskey slander, all of twitter is like "oh, absolutely fucking not". Beautiful.

Melanie Lynskey

@melanielynskey

3 months

I feel like I should let you all know that I have read your replies to the misogynistic lady’s unsuccessful tweet. I am honestly bursting with joy to have the support of so many very, very funny and smart and kind people. I mean. So funny

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@enterc1evername

6 years

@MeghanMcCain He laughs when trying to take away my family’s health insurance and my 4 year old’s preexisting condition protection, so I’m gonna laugh at him falling down, ok?

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@DYungcrem @tanerelle @UgwunnaEjikem You definitely don’t understand her point. She doesn’t dress to suit YOUR gaze. I’m literally quoting her.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

2 years

My aunt had sex with Mitch McConnell.

Eric Bailey

@EricVBailey

2 years

tell me a true, one-sentence story from your life that absolutely opens more questions than it answers and demands further context i'll start -- i once saw a kid have a (small) chunk of his leg torn off by a piece of playground equipment

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@ValeeGrrl Also, 1/5th of that salary goes to having one of my children attend the school where I work (and that’s w a 35% employee discount of of tuition). Luckily my other kid is in public school.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

2 years

Me, talking my husband into role playing in the bedroom: you be Robin Hood and I'll be Maid Marian. Him: ok, which one? Costner? Me: no. Him: Russell Crowe? Me: no. Him: Me: Him: goddamnit.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

3 years

Life is shit, but SPY is a perfect movie.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

3 years

@courtenlow Wait. You’re telling me Eugene Levy and Dan Levy ARE RELATED?!?

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@Lin_Manuel This is my 3 year olds current favorite song. He screamed at me to play the “give me a kiss” song in the car the other day and it wasn’t until 35 mins later that I realized what he was talking about 😑

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

Not to brag, but I’ve sold a total of five (5!!!) people on the #Witchlands series by @stdennard by just sending them this 💅🏼

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

1 year

@BrndnStrssng The disrespect for Lars and the Real Girl smdh

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

My mom just told me that my aunt slept with Mitch McConnell and now I have to set myself on fire.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

@Dumily_Chambers @francescaaahhhh Yes, but also my heart is here

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

3 years

I don’t care where I am, who I’m with or what I’m doing—if Mr. Brightside comes on, I am going to sing it like my goddamn life depends on my performance in that moment idgaf

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@AlishaGrauso @SimuLiu I had a job interview in a cute little sweater top and ripped to hell 10 year old leggings. I’ve never felt so alive.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

3 years

Today, after remote learning is done, I am going to get in my car, drive 5 minutes from my house, and check into a hotel until SUNDAY AFTERNOON. I am going to get take out, and watch movies, and drink prosecco and buy something unnecessary at anthropologie and be ALONE FOR 48 HRS

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

@bessbell I don’t, but if you see my kids tablet that I hid 6 months ago, let me know. Thanks!

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@michaelurie *googles Brad Goreski*

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

1 year

Apologies for managing to not crop that screenshot even a little bit.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

@KimberlyNFoster And this album cover? The angle? Like, you can’t tell me this wasn’t a deliberate choice by some v old man. It’s really horrifying, tbh.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@sarahmaclean I feel a lot of things when I read romance novels, and dirty ain’t one of them 💁🏻‍♀️

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

1 year

It feels like having a kissing scene with Jake Johnson would be bad actually, bc having a man that isn't yours ruin you forever would be depressing as hell. Like, you're just supposed to go back to regular kissing after that?!? Impossible.

no context sitcoms ☮︎ 🍉

@oocsitcoms

1 year

WHO TAUGHT HIM TO DO THAT

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@enterc1evername

3 years

Your girl got an upgraded J O B today and I *really* needed this win, guys.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

3 years

*steps onto platform and adjusts microphone* BILL PULLMAN COULD FUCKING GET IT AND EVERYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE IS A LIAR WHO LIES

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

3 years

I love the idea of Justin Timberlake waking up today thinking “well, at least all the people will love me today” and then all the people just being like “no”.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

@rhetorusrex @justinboldaji And? Why does that bother you enough to want to make fun of her for it? Is the way she dresses harming you in any way?

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

5 years

Gwendoline Christie is *literally* the only person who can pull off this dress. She is a queen. #emmys

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

1 year

I would fucking die for her.

charlie

@charletty_

1 year

this interview of drunk rebecca ferguson is another level of chaos even for her

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@enterc1evername

6 years

Me: Bourne is my new book husband. No one will ever be as dreamily brooding as he is. Cross: hold my beer. @sarahmaclean

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

@AlishaRai @FatedMates My favorite part about this is that you have those two items of clothing at the ready.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

3 years

I’ve been rewatching Parks and Rec every night when I do work and I just watched this episode—and I swear to god, my first thought was “omg Jerry has covid” and we are all broken now, goddamnit.

out of context parks and rec

@nocontextpawnee

3 years

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

6 years

@redfallon @Lin_Manuel 😂😂 My son: I want to listen to *whispers* “I am not throwing away my shot”. That’s when I know he wants Right Hand Man. If he wants to listen to the real My Shot, he’ll just scream it.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

@AlishaRai WHO THINKS THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GAG!!? The audacity of not knowing Dolly Parton is a literal saint.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

2 years

If twitter goes under, what am I supposed to do? Build meaningful and authentic relationships with people I know irl? No thank you.

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hello, my name is

@enterc1evername

4 years

<whispers> ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʷᵒ ʲᵒᵇ ᶦⁿᵗᵉʳᵛᶦᵉʷˢ ⁿᵉˣᵗ ʷᵉᵉᵏ ᵇᵘᵗ ᴵ ᵈᶦᵈⁿ’ᵗ ˢᵃʸ ᵃⁿʸᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ ᵇᶜ ᴵ ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉᵐ ᵃⁿᵈ ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵗᵒ ʲᶦⁿˣ ᶦᵗ ᵇᵘᵗ ᵃˡˢᵒ ˢᵉⁿᵈ ᵐᵉ ᵍᵒᵒᵈ ᵛᶦᵇᵉˢ ᵇᶜ ᴵ ⁿᵉᵉᵈ ᵗʰᶦˢ

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