Emmy Blotnick @emmyblotnick Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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@RiMeirellesNovo

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@WillDavey27

@ShyakaPatrick_

@EBuland84938

Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

9 years

Fun game: refer to it clunkily as "man-explaining" until a guy snaps and corrects you

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@emmyblotnick

12 years

The worst part of being late is that you shouldn’t be holding an iced coffee.

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

RT if u a nasty woman #debatenight

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@emmyblotnick

9 years

Wake me up when there's a Barbie with one tit bigger than the other

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

@people go fuck yourself

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

The theme for Trump's inauguration performers is "CDs left behind after a Best Buy goes out of business"

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

9 years

I guess "Victoria's Secret Angel" does sound better than "flightless pantybird"

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

After all this bullshit is over, on whatever mountain is left, can we get a Mt Rushmore of 3 Elizabeth Warrens and a RuPaul

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

10 years

I'd be rude too if the guy trying to marry my daughter was a white reggae singer

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

10 years

Invent a drink called "Responsibly" and your advertising is set forever

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@emmyblotnick

8 years

ikea website, u have no idea

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

6 years

I’m on @TeamCoco tonight! All my hair is clipped to my head! Everything is happening!

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

5 years

I’m teaching a master class in how to be chill around your favorite comedians & actors, please enroll

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

9 years

Early Hanukkah request: Can somebody please make this photo into a menorah

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

6 years

Oh man my @ComedyCentral half hour premieres on October 5th and I am already eating everything in my house!!!!

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

10 years

Accidentally typed that I'm "lacrosse intolerant," then realized, I am also that.

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

7 years

Here's my set from last night! Thank you @colbertlateshow @JessicaPilot212 and thank you @FifthHarmony !

Emmy Blotnick Spotted A Mistake In Fifth Harmony's 'Sledgehammer'

Stand-up comedian Emmy Blotnick noticed an error visible not only in the lyrics of Fifth Harmony's 'Sledgehammer,' but also the title.Subscribe To "The Late ...

www.youtube.com

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

6 years

PSA: PLEASE END MORE HEADLINES WITH "TO BIRDERS' DELIGHT"

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

Feariodic Table of Hellements

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

5 years

#tbt to last year's Emmys when I ordered an "avant-garde cape" that was too sexy to wear

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

6 years

My album recording is in 2 weeks @UnionHallNY ! with special guests @GaryGulman & @mattkoff ! Tickets available for 7:30pm () + 10pm ()

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

Postmates makes you ask yourself difficult questions like "should I pay $388 to have a $5 sandwich brought to me"

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

3 years

Tonight! @FallonTonight ! @jimmyfallon ! 🙀

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

9 years

The serving suggestion on the back of the Nutella jar should say "just get nasty bitch"

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

10 years

Whoever named Almond Joy and Mounds clearly liked one waaay better than the other

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

6 years

Thank you @ConanOBrien & @TeamCoco ! Here's my set from last night:

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

Trump didn't mention Jews on Holocaust Remembrance Day? That'd be like if we didn't mention Trump on Dickless Fuckface Day

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

6 years

My @comedycentral half hour premieres tonight at 11:30 and here is a lil' bit of it!

How Cosmo Has Influenced Your Favorite Pop Songs - Emmy Blotnick

Emmy Blotnick goes down an internet rabbit hole and discovers that so many pop songs were written by one Swedish guy. About Comedy Central Stand-Up Presents:...

www.youtube.com

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

(Jennifer Anniston emerges from a sensory deprivation tank of Aveeno lotion) "MY TIME IS NOW"

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

6 years

I’m at Northeastern University tonight! (Full disclosure: my mom paid $500,000 for me to do this gig and I literally just want to butt chug and contour)

Northeastern CUP

@NortheasternCUP

6 years

Clear your Thursday for some FREE LAUGHS. Come join us to see @emmyblotnick in @NUafterHOURS !!

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

7 years

Hooolyyyy shiiiiiiiit

The Late Show

@colbertlateshow

7 years

On TONIGHT's all-new episode: #TomBrady talking "Tom vs Time" and "The TB12 Method: How to Achieve A Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance," #SeanBean for @theoathoncrackle , and stand-up from @emmyblotnick !!! #LSSC

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

"Are you guys gonna bring back the Cheetos that were shaped like little paws"

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

Mine was when my mom fled the Hungarian revolution so I could one day make fun of how much imitation gold leaf you tacky sons of bitches use

Trump Hotels

@TrumpHotels

13 years

Tell us your favorite travel memory - was it a picture, a souvenir, a sunset? We'd love to hear it!

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

Never thought I'd say this, but I miss when Word of the Year was like "sideboob" or "bling bling" or whatever 😢

CNN

@CNN

8 years

has named "xenophobia" its 2016 Word of the Year

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

10 years

Tax person: "Do you have any questions?" Me: "Yes, what the fuck is literally all of this?"

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@emmyblotnick

10 years

I fear my intervention will be my friends and family saying "we know you've been wearing the same pants every day"

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

5 years

HAPPY 2020 I'M A RAW DOG

SiriusXM Comedy

@SiriusXMComedy

5 years

Hear the Raw Dog Comedy 2019 Album of the Year, @emmyblotnick 's Party Nights, replaying in full on New Year's Day at 10AM, 5PM and 10PM ET!

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

11 years

Did you know? Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon syncs up perfectly with unemployment

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@emmyblotnick

6 years

🎉🎉🎉

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

10 years

Bit directly through string cheese #MyExIn5Words @midnight

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

. @realDonaldTrump just fuck already

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

6 years

I'm glad we're getting swan emoji soon. All this time I've had to do a duck and then sparkles 🦆✨

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

9 years

Avoiding making my bed so I don't have to find out how many dishes are in it

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

11 years

A better sobriety test would be if police made you untangle your headphones.

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

Fun fact: the ocean is about 70% pairs of my sunglasses

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@emmyblotnick

8 years

As if things couldn't get worse, my neighbor is learning to play the RECORDER, an instrument there is no being good at

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

7 years

If you don’t love me at my “how do you do the 2-picture thing,” then you don’t deserve me at my “no seriously why can’t I do it”

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

9 years

I'm just a kween, standing in front of a fuck boi, asking him to say "yas bitch"

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@emmyblotnick

9 years

To all confused parents: "Netflix and chill" is when you soak a tampon in vodka and put it in your butt

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@emmyblotnick

8 years

Is it me or has Lester Holt has gone considerably grayer over the course of one debate question

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

9 months

Woooooowowowow thank you to Amy Poehler & Tina Fey for having me in Atlanta last night! And thanks Jack McBrayer for the photo. Go see the Restless Leg Tour!! My heart is as full as my diaper 😍

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 months

I’m on @fallontonight with @jimmyfallon #fallontonight WHEN? TONIGHT!!!

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@emmyblotnick

2 years

I shall wear this as a badge of honor

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@emmyblotnick

8 years

TRUMP: "Putin is not my best friend. He's my soul mate." #debatenight

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@emmyblotnick

12 years

Fish McBites sounds like a smalltown fish detective.

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@emmyblotnick

9 years

Kind of a powerful feeling when you go to delete an app and they all jitter like "p-p-please, s-s-spare me"

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

9 years

How I got my first ticket - Cop: Where's your registration? Me: It's at home in a shoebox labeled Papers I Don't Understand

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

Ivanka Trump is basically if Paris Hilton didn't have fun

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

6 years

I'll be featuring for @attell at these shows and I'm excited to a very uncool degree. Get tickets!

Carolines on Broadway

@CarolinesonBway

6 years

Counting down the days till our good friend @attell is back at Carolines Thu, Dec 27 - Sun, Dec 30. Tickets are available here:

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

10 years

My anaconda doesn't even know what it wants anymore

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

9 years

I looked at a rug on http://t.co/rmtqHLQReq and now it's in all my ads and all my family photos and my reflection and oh god IT HAS A KNIFE

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

9 years

Tried that trick of using hairspray on a house spider and I gotta say, its hair looks really good

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

7 years

Still looking for a menorah designer to take on this project

Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

9 years

Early Hanukkah request: Can somebody please make this photo into a menorah

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

5 years

My album PARTY NIGHTS will be released May 28, but is available for preorder starting today! If you're the kind of person who preorders things, you are IN LUCK:

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

"Okay babies now let's get in gestation" -Beyoncé to twins

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@emmyblotnick

7 years

Every time Comey says "no doubt" he should also have to say "no diggity"

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

Let's be done calling people "basic bitches" and instead call them "standard poodles"

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@emmyblotnick

10 years

I'm gonna commission the first fountain where instead of a boy it's a girl peeing down her leg

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@emmyblotnick

10 years

Books about ADHD: who exactly are you for?

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@emmyblotnick

6 years

Kirstjen Nielsen needs to do some serious reflectjing

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@emmyblotnick

8 years

Bracing myself for an email from my mom that says "Do I have Snapchat and can it hear my phone calls"

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

9 years

Hey Facebook: less reflecting on the passage of time, more dogs in tuxedos

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@emmyblotnick

8 years

Gotta say this Wikipedia article makes me pretty uneasy

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@emmyblotnick

9 years

I wish there was a band called "Nicki Minaj and The Bar Mitzvah Boys" http://t.co/xbc20Hc4Ha

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

RIP New Years Eve sunglasses making an ounce of sense 2000-2009

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@emmyblotnick

10 years

The nicer the restaurant, the more fun it is to ask for directions to the "ladies' shitter"

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@emmyblotnick

11 years

If you're named Jermajesty, jerparents didn't act in jerbest interests.

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@emmyblotnick

8 years

I know it's annoying to be like "my spirit animal" but I just saw a blind pug in a sweater frown through airport security

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@emmyblotnick

8 years

My mom can outworry your mom

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

11 years

Gonna give me a crazy long receipt, CVS? Well two can play that game: I STAPLED ALL MY DOLLARS INTO ONE LONG DOLLAR

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

12 years

Sigh. 15 years of Soundgarden and yet not a single soundvegetable.

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@emmyblotnick

9 years

Blarty With A Chance Of Meatpauls #AddBlartImproveAMovie @midnight

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@emmyblotnick

9 years

When I sign into a website I don't just click "Remember Me," I also whisper it

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@emmyblotnick

13 years

I'm so single, last night I microwaved a Gogurt and squeezed it onto my chest.

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@emmyblotnick

6 years

I had the pleasure of working on this book with @colbertlateshow ’s proceeds going to Hurricane Florence relief. And hot damn, it’s #1 on Amazon! Preorder one!

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

9 years

Did you know the average person also shits 8 spiders a year

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@emmyblotnick

8 years

Kashi discontinued the Good Friends cereal and NOW I HAVE NO ONE

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@emmyblotnick

11 years

You can eat as much frosting as you want if you refer to it as "sugar hummus"

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@emmyblotnick

8 years

Trump telling the truth: "About three months ago, I started reading" #debatenight

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@emmyblotnick

3 years

Here's my set from last night's @FallonTonight ! 👉

Emmy Blotnick Stand-Up: Loves Her Weighted Blanket | The Tonight Show...

Emmy Blotnick talks about her love for weighted blankets and night guards.The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon. Stream now on Peacock: https://bit.ly/3gZJ...

www.youtube.com

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@emmyblotnick

12 years

How do I tell Pizza Hut I only wanna be Meat Friends?

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

10 years

When I say "I eat like a bird" I mean, like, a pelican

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

8 years

I refuse to learn how football works but like this idea, so I will donate $5 for every bite of queso I eat during the game

Josh Gondelman

@joshgondelman

8 years

Because of Tom Brady's garbage politics, I'm donating $100 for every Patriots TD and $50 for every FG to the @NAACP_LDF . #AGoodGame

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@emmyblotnick

7 years

IT'S A HANUKKAH MIRACLE

comedycentral

@ComedyCentral

7 years

Here's the Nicki Min-orah you asked for, @emmyblotnick .

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@emmyblotnick

7 years

It’s not exactly the “subject of the moment” but I’d like another pop song by Rob Schneider’s daughter

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

2 years

Here's my set from last night's @colbertlateshow ! ➡️ ✨

"If You Have Anxiety, A Dog Won't Help You At All" - Emmy Blotnick...

Former Late Show writer Emmy Blotnick comes home to the Ed Sullivan Theater for a stand-up comedy set that's full of great advice for new dog owners, and any...

www.youtube.com

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

11 years

So Thai summer rolls are just a laminated salad?

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Emmy Blotnick

@emmyblotnick

11 years

If you listen to enough John Legend you automatically get a part time job at the Gap.

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