Your pal Effin’ Birds has been hospitalized, so I will be staying the fuck off of Twitter — but also I kind of knew it was coming so there are 120 days of posts pre-scheduled.
DHL guy: Are you Mister Birds?
Me: Ha, no, see it’s the name of the —
DHL guy: I can only release the package to Mister Birds.
Me: *sigh* Yes, I’m Mister Birds.
“How are you doing” is a question that is painful to answer when the truth isn’t positive. And the person asking? They don’t want the truth. They want to be reassured.
I’ve closed my DMs because I don’t have the energy to make you feel better about how I’m doing.
HOW THINGS WENT SO VERY WRONG FOR DAVID:
• He thought it was an instructional book
• He bought it for his mother without reading the back cover or apparently the title
• His mother was offended
• This is obviously the author’s fault
Meanwhile, my nine year old got given socks and said “these look really warm” and gave his grandma a hug, because he’s better at receiving gifts than this lady.
I write Effin’ Birds far in advance and I had this account scheduled all the way to 2021, but fuck it, you guys need me, and I'm turning on the firehose.
Four birds a day is our new normal until we get through this fucked up global moment.
Hey
@Etsy
— I sent your legal team a request to stop using my registered trademark in your Google ads. Charlotte sent this reply — but I have no issue with a shop. I have an issue with your ads.
Did you really say “so sue us” over an obvious trademark violation?
@Iron_Spike
This account exists because a media company asked me for pitches and they hated this pitch so much that I was determined to make it more popular than their entire brand.
It is currently twenty times more popular than their entire brand.
Spite is a hell of a thing.