🥴steph🥴 @eff_yeah_steph Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 years

Me: *makes a left at the light* My groceries in back: 🧅 🍓 🥖 🥐 🥫 🧀 🍎 🧄 🥕 🥦 🥫 🍩

66

3K

44K

Last Seen Profiles

@Rencontres7Art

@realbrianaroy

@Chavesz08

@_____fffffffff

@David_tombino

@jgportolan

@DynataGlobal

@s2_1122o0

@unzaoo

@imkenny__

@bokeplokalmalam

@QuallenCOS

@EdmondBrooks

@yoshiki7111

@fhdalsahl1

@saza705

@R3x3t

@bokeplokalmalam

@Reddy_1610

@HeroeTanpaU

@AMizanul

@AyhaK72898

@tuitacirlanio

@amartinao

@Bennett1Randy

@GlobalRabbi

@kami_hada

@BinorRaja

@LaxmiMeena43

@yoimiyaau

@Chewinggum_p

@tamaura931

@LanaRhoadesfake

@axelhuynh93160

@global_trent

@UAE71news

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

Me: *getting off the couch* I’ll be right back. Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

370

47K

254K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

My kid had a sleepover and in the morning I offered to make waffles, but the friend said they couldn’t eat gluten or sugar or dairy, so I offered scrambled eggs and this kid goes...”Do you have duck eggs?” Um. I’m sorry child this is not Scotland 1745, it’s my house.

680

14K

207K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 years

Give the vaccine to Betty White, IMMEDIATELY.

759

11K

169K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

HIM: I have a chocolate lab. ME (awestruck whisper): ᵂᶦˡˡʸ ᵂᵒⁿᵏᵃ

110

13K

62K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 months

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today: Henry Cavill Clam chowder New England clam chowder Where is New England Old England Henry Cavill

273

1K

47K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

What if boobs were filled with spiders?

2K

3K

23K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

2 years

I was wearing my “Protect Queer Youth” shirt when a guy stopped and mockingly asked me what I’m protecting them from. “You.” I said. He kept walking.

105

1K

24K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

I once discovered a backpack full of sex tapes my boyfriend had made with a bunch of girls I knew and in about half of them, my photo was on his dresser in the background. That was my second-to-worst boyfriend.

223

468

16K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 years

Me,bringing a cup of water to bed:🙂 All the cups on my nightstand: 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

26

1K

13K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

2 years

Go on without me, y’all.

84

403

13K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 years

Now we can’t even eat the rich because they have coronavirus.

88

1K

12K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

This always makes me happy. So here- be happy, too.

79

2K

9K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

@paulie_paulie Hungrier.

24

159

8K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

307

1K

8K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

*leans in for a kiss* Cat: *backs away* Me: I know.

23

1K

8K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

Me: I’m taking the dog for a you-know-what. Husband: a w-a-l-k? My dog:

17

706

6K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 years

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

83

496

6K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

Balls are just pants boobs.

166

930

5K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

@rudy_mustang All this time, I thought chairs were genderless pieces of furniture.

31

134

5K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

Stop mixing poodles with everything. Labradoodle Goldendoodle Pooog Cockadoodle Ford Focusdoodle

120

636

5K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood. My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog? Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

50

867

5K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 months

One time I meal prepped for a week and then ate it all in two days.

22

279

6K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

59

549

5K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

I invited people over tonight and they’re actually coming. Ugh.

97

520

4K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

*first date* Him: So, I’m a youth minister. Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like...Lucifer.

21

498

4K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

It’s been brought to my attention that we now have generation “z” and I’m a little concerned that nobody’s freaking out about it. Hello, Z is the last one, guys.

87

437

4K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

[5am] Cat: *retching in the hallway* Me: *tired moan* My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

26

558

4K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

I have been watching Game of Thrones for seven years and I still don’t know anyone’s name?? Dragon Lady Hot Bastard Lil Bannister Big Bannister Lady Bannister Borat Theon Red Hair Sean Bean Regina Phalange

66

367

4K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

Friend: I don’t see you on social media anymore. Me: I quit Facebook. Husband: She’s on The Twitter. Me: Haha he’s just kidding no I’m not what even is twitter ha ha ha. *throat slitting gestures at husband*

42

783

4K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

Me: Sorry I’m late, I had to say goodbye to my dog today. Co-worker: Oh, I’m so sorry. What happened? Me: He just has a really bad day if I forget to say it.

7

402

4K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

[during scary time to be a man] *carries mace on keychain, parks under street lights, gets called slut, never puts down drink, checks backseat, invents rapeproof underwear, gets killed jogging*

19

700

4K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

Sorry, can’t. My flip flop made a farting noise near a hot guy, so now I have to follow him around this Target until it happens again and I can say, “haha, dumb flip flop”.

41

599

4K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

While you’re here take a look at my hound cloud:

35

81

4K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 years

I have found my personal hell and it is an email from the in-laws, subject: Zoom Thanksgiving activity sign-ups.

68

127

4K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

@abbygov I froze my pee in a popsicle mold and gave it to my friend’s brother.

56

97

4K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

inside my dog’s mouth Blink182 🤝 All the Small Things

12

418

4K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 years

When somebody starts off with “fun fact”, you’re about to have zero fun.

34

330

4K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

How do people get friends outside of twitter? Is there a trick? Please do not mock me. I am so alone.

570

301

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

2 years

My mom forgot who I was for the first time today at the hospital. She told me a whole story about my own childhood. “My daughter, Stephanie,” and “you look just like her”. We both pretended nothing at all happened after she realized her mistake. 💔

112

35

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

My 9 year old has been Samantha for over two years now. When the school sent a recorded message today using her old name (Samuel) it started a discussion about birth certificates and y’all...she said they should make her a “rebirth” certificate. How. fucking. pure. 😭

58

126

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 months

@jrostopovich “Let’s circle back to Henry Cavill” is always a good strategy when things start going downhill in regards to chowder.

5

37

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 years

I will not be able to sleep at night until I know Betty White has gotten her Covid vaccine.

26

103

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

I woke up sad, but I logged on to twitter for jokes and some really great people turned it all around for me. Thank you for being inside my phone today. ❤️

166

86

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

Fuck Bill Gates. Fuck Bezos. Fuck Donald Trump. Fuck that guy who checks on his daughter’s vagina. I am so tired.

31

328

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

Ravioli is plural for raviola. The baby ones are called raviolini. Don’t look that up.

41

469

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

Forty is okay so far, gang. Thanks for all the bday love and also don’t stop. ❤️🥳❤️

349

27

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

3 years

Please respect my wishes.

8

179

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

Me, watching the barista fuck up my coffee order I’m still gonna drink without complaining:

41

436

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

3 years

“You can be Batman and Werewolf next year”

52

276

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

72

571

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

Anyone need a mattress? - every dad when they see a mattress on the highway

28

316

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

Alarm: beep beep beep Me: I respectfully decline.

21

449

3K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

2 years

Everyone look at this comic my eleven year old made.

52

83

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

30

435

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

Today my buddy here had to leave us and I am sad as hell about it. Rest peacefully, Slim. Miss you already.

333

29

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

Have you ever just not been okay for like...years?

153

382

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 years

Octopus appreciation post.

42

186

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

So much to think about

58

130

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

[during sex] Me: It’s not working. Him: Hold on... *takes out dick, blows on it, shoves it back in, slams it down* Both of us, grin at the camera: NINTENDICK™️

25

245

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

The game of LIFEᵀᴹ is misleading because it's fun and you can win.

19

436

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 years

My mom just called and asked me about the “war zone” ( I’m in Portland) and when I told her it’s only one block she got mad at me and insisted the city is literally on fire because of what she saw on the news. Guess what she watches...

35

108

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

Me, reading: I know so many words. Me, writing: The tree was tall.

15

392

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

It’s the freakin weekend show me your face!

322

41

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 years

Rom-com is short for romedy comedy.

38

204

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light. Me: Awww. Date: *leans in for a kiss* Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

20

225

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

@abbygov He licked it. (Sorry, Brad)

8

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

God: Sloth is the cutest of the sins. Sloth: *shyly smiles* God: But deadly. Oh, so deadly. Sloth: *slowly brandishes switchblade* ᵏᶦˡˡˡˡˡ

9

242

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

Is there something I can do about feelings or am I just stuck having them for the rest of my life?

41

389

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

My worst boyfriend doesn’t deserve his own tweet.

9

15

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

The episode of Seinfeld where they talk about faking orgasms lasts exactly 18 hours when you’re watching it with your 15year old.

25

131

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound? God: Yes. Goat: Anything else weird I should know about? God: Horizontal Pupils Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways* God: YouTube is gonna love you.

6

177

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

1 year

I thought the ones on the left were just cured, like a cast iron skillet?

The New York Times

@nytimes

1 year

Your Birkenstocks are gross. It’s time to clean them. Here's how — and how not — to clean, maintain, and protect your sandals so they last for years to come.

87

177

2K

7

56

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

When your man asks if you wanna hear about his fantasy football team:

14

167

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

*writing in diary with pink gel pen* Fuck shit up today. *heart*

16

513

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

2 years

Making soup. How do you know which onions are French?

88

128

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size* My child: Can I help? Me: *straight up hissing noises*

17

200

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

25

164

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

2 years

Why did we have to push play and record at the same time? Couldn’t record just do it’s job?

78

140

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

Mid-life Hack: Eat chips while you do your squats so you can't hear your knees crunching.

37

363

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

No matter how you do it, the easiest part of having kids is getting them out of your uterus. The rest is a serious clusterfuck.

28

329

2K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

I hate when I’m being brilliant and nobody notices.

55

480

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

When I’m in the throes of depression, lying around all day makes things worse so I get dressed and leave the house for fresh air. I’m still depressed, but standing up and with pants on. And there are birds.

41

157

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

I am bad at having people over because I don’t know how to say “okay, I’ve had enough of you go home” in a nice way.

46

194

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

Farts are just bean souls.

37

296

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

Scariest four words to get via text are: can I call you

77

239

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

Is this a good time to remind you that goats have no top teeth?

94

208

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

If you actually lay down on the couch at the therapist’s office, they pull a lever behind the desk and it drops you into a room of puppies wearing tiny outfits.

42

158

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

I have a book I am reading when I’m downstairs and a book I am reading when I’m upstairs. I hope they never find out about each other.

19

135

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

911: What’s your emergency? Me: Yes, hello. My eight year old will not stop talking to me.

14

137

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 years

@RebelEconProf By @Shenanigans_luv

13

49

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

Hi. Wanna share your faces?

346

32

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box* Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

15

222

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

@PierceMcGeough Not allergies, come to find. Just sensitivities.

20

3

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

It’s Saturday and I feel better than I have in weeks. Show me your faces!

209

16

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

I’ve always been an empath. Even as a child I rotated my stuffed animals and they all had a turn sleeping next to me so nobody got their feelings hurt. I even had a list next to my bed in case we had any discrepancies at bedtime. I’m a thorough empath.

51

106

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

5 years

Hello. I’m feeling like a troll lately. Show me your faces and tell me I’m not a troll. ❤️

292

16

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

Dude trying to flirt: What’s on your mind? Me: What if period blood came out of our pores?

66

152

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

4 months

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

4

2

1K

🥴steph🥴

@eff_yeah_steph

6 years

I had 4,000 followers for a minute and then I called a guy out for tweeting "she broke my heart so I broke her jaw" and now I have 3,999 again. People do NOT like being called out on their shit.

63

72

1K