My kid had a sleepover and in the morning I offered to make waffles, but the friend said they couldn’t eat gluten or sugar or dairy, so I offered scrambled eggs and this kid goes...”Do you have duck eggs?”
Um. I’m sorry child this is not Scotland 1745, it’s my house.
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill
I once discovered a backpack full of sex tapes my boyfriend had made with a bunch of girls I knew and in about half of them, my photo was on his dresser in the background. That was my second-to-worst boyfriend.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
It’s been brought to my attention that we now have generation “z” and I’m a little concerned that nobody’s freaking out about it. Hello, Z is the last one, guys.
I have been watching Game of Thrones for seven years and I still don’t know anyone’s name??
Dragon Lady
Hot Bastard
Lil Bannister
Big Bannister
Lady Bannister
Borat Theon
Red Hair
Sean Bean
Regina Phalange
Friend: I don’t see you on social media anymore.
Me: I quit Facebook.
Husband: She’s on The Twitter.
Me: Haha he’s just kidding no I’m not what even is twitter ha ha ha.
*throat slitting gestures at husband*
Me: Sorry I’m late, I had to say goodbye to my dog today.
Co-worker: Oh, I’m so sorry. What happened?
Me: He just has a really bad day if I forget to say it.
[during scary time to be a man]
*carries mace on keychain, parks under street lights, gets called slut, never puts down drink, checks backseat, invents rapeproof underwear, gets killed jogging*
Sorry, can’t. My flip flop made a farting noise near a hot guy, so now I have to follow him around this Target until it happens again and I can say, “haha, dumb flip flop”.
My mom forgot who I was for the first time today at the hospital. She told me a whole story about my own childhood. “My daughter, Stephanie,” and “you look just like her”. We both pretended nothing at all happened after she realized her mistake. 💔
My 9 year old has been Samantha for over two years now. When the school sent a recorded message today using her old name (Samuel) it started a discussion about birth certificates and y’all...she said they should make her a “rebirth” certificate. How. fucking. pure. 😭
I woke up sad, but I logged on to twitter for jokes and some really great people turned it all around for me. Thank you for being inside my phone today. ❤️
[during sex]
Me: It’s not working.
Him: Hold on... *takes out dick, blows on it, shoves it back in, slams it down*
Both of us, grin at the camera:
NINTENDICK™️
My mom just called and asked me about the “war zone” ( I’m in Portland) and when I told her it’s only one block she got mad at me and insisted the city is literally on fire because of what she saw on the news. Guess what she watches...
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Your Birkenstocks are gross. It’s time to clean them. Here's how — and how not — to clean, maintain, and protect your sandals so they last for years to come.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
When I’m in the throes of depression, lying around all day makes things worse so I get dressed and leave the house for fresh air. I’m still depressed, but standing up and with pants on. And there are birds.
If you actually lay down on the couch at the therapist’s office, they pull a lever behind the desk and it drops you into a room of puppies wearing tiny outfits.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I’ve always been an empath. Even as a child I rotated my stuffed animals and they all had a turn sleeping next to me so nobody got their feelings hurt. I even had a list next to my bed in case we had any discrepancies at bedtime. I’m a thorough empath.
I had 4,000 followers for a minute and then I called a guy out for tweeting "she broke my heart so I broke her jaw" and now I have 3,999 again. People do NOT like being called out on their shit.