eddie pepitone @eddiepepitone Twitter profile

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eddie pepitone

3 years

I’M STARTING A PATREON. For my new podcast Apocalypse Soon! Get on board! Lots of bonus stuff, early access, stand-up material etc.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

2 years

You’ve hit bottom. You’ve tried Pilates. You joined a book club. You joined a hate group. You micro-dosed LSD. You took cold plunges. You read Truman Capotes IN COLD BLOOD. You cut out sugar. Isn’t it time you drove a Ford? Ford. It’s almost over.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

2 years

You’ve hit bottom. You’ve tried Pilates. You joined a book club. You joined a hate group. You micro-dosed LSD. You took cold plunges. You read Truman Capotes IN COLD BLOOD. You cut out sugar. Isn’t it time you drove a Ford? Ford. You’ll be dead soon.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Covid, Fascism,increasing wealth inequality and eco collapse. It’s quite a ride but it’s not a ride in a new Ford truck.Rack and pinion steering, bright headlights and wheels make this a truck to drive through the American Wasteland. Ford. It’s almost over.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

5 years

Here's a fun thing: Take your first name and then go fuck yourself.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Here's a fun thing: Take your first name and then go fuck yourself.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

7 years

You can unlock your fucking phone with your fucking face? What else do you want peasants? Healthcare? Affordable education and housing? Just go unlock your fucking phone with your face and shut the Fuck up!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Broken. It’s all broken. America is broken. Isn’t time you drove a Ford?

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

As our civilization winds down and you say your goodbyes to loved ones ask yourself: do I have good tires on my primary automobile? Goodyear. We’ve reached the end. You need good tires. Get your affairs in order.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Everyone is excited to get back to their miserable lives.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Whenever I see a military helicopter fly overhead I think "that's about 7 public libraries".

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

If there aren’t more likes for my Norm McDonald posts then as far as I’m concerned he died in vain.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

On this date one year ago today I cut out sugar and flour for approximately 6 hours.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

One in three people have Covid in Los Angeles. I am in Los Angeles. Ralph’s supermarket has just been renamed GET YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER. We lived in a failed state where half the country is destitute and believe children are eaten in pizzerias. Please watch The Masked Singer.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

I understand a lot of people join far right militant hate organizations because they are disenfranchised and looking for identity but there are also things like Laurel and Hardy fan clubs and watercolor painting groups as well as interesting hikes.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Socialism for the rich. Capitalism for the poor.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

My new special FOR THE MASSES is now on Amazon Prime, iTunes, Google Play and more! Go watch it before I die!!! Album out too! Directed by @stevenfeinartz Get it here:

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Any male comic who doesn’t treat female comics/women with respect is a piece of shit.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Biden speaking in front of The Chase logo gives me hope!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

THEY DONT WANT US TO HAVE DECENT JOBS, DECENT EDUCATION, DECENT AIR QAULITY OR AFFORDABLE HOUSING! THEY WANT US BLAMING EACH OTHER AND MURDERING EACH OTHER WHILE FOUR FUCKING FAMILES OWN 45% OF OUR GNP. ISNT IT TIME YOU DROVE A FORD?

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Cramming for a prostate exam today.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

As an influencer I have been moved to an undisclosed location for my own safety. Stay strong. I will tweet when I can.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

One thing is for sure after watching the super bowl commercials: we are a dead nation that should be embarrassed.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

As Covid surges and a Civil War looms with massive evictions and an exponential rise in homelessness isn’t it time you tried Taco Bell’s new jalapeño tortugas! 17 different cheeses thrown together haphazardly like your life! And we fry it! Taco Bell! The end is near.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Remember: You’re not doing your job well if you don’t have a stress related illness.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

2 years

Cramming for a prostate exam.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

5 years

I fear for us all but mostly , if not almost entirely, for myself.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

7 years

On this day I forgive everyone except my parents, god, a few ex girlfriends and the system.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Covid may have originated in China. But James Corden definitely originated in the UK. What is worse? You decide.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Maybe the funniest man to grace the planet passed away. R.I.P. Norm.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Hello, I’m Eddie Pepitone and I have a fetish for Hedge Fund scumbags gutted and shamed by the masses!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

6 years

Well this one hurts. Brody Stevens was what a comic is. Very sad and I don’t understand. #RIPBrodyStevens #818ForLife

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

I’m already sick of Biden.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

6 years

Hey! Create a web presence! Be fun and dynamic! Then slip into a major depression brought on by lack of human communication and join a dangerous cult! Then workout constantly and get scary and agressive! Then finally become a chef!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

While forty five or so billionaires own most of America’s wealth and the rest of the population goes from crises to crises Cedars Sinai Hospital is pairing with Arby’s to offer everyone a French Dip with each MRI of your skull. Eat well and get X-rayed! Only till 3pm today!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Well everything is shutting down again and Covid is raging and we here at JP Morgan Chase want you to know we don’t care anymore. We have all the money and you can’t have any. Fuck you. Enjoy the holidays. We aren’t even putting cookies out on fridays. Fuck you. Chase. Good luck.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Pretty soon we will be in camps with I Voted stickers on.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

I’m either going to be performing at Go Bananas in Cincinnati in February next year or fighting for my life in the street with makeshift weapons and drinking my own urine.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

2 years

We will all be in camps soon with I VOTED stickers on.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

The American landscape is one of fear, violence, suicides, mass shootings AND GREAT SAVINGS! Here at Walmart our employees have to apply for food stamps while we accumulate obscene money! That’s the American Way! We lower our prices by using overseas labor that isn’t regulated!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Here's a fun thing: Take your first name and then go fuck yourself.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

MITCH MCCONNELL’S DEATH SHOULD BE A PAY PER VIEW EVENT

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Who would’ve thought The Apprentice would’ve lead to this?

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

7 years

Our shattered democracy means nothing to me as long as I have my phone.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Maybe SNL will have Kate McKinnon sing a song to the people of Ukraine tomorrow! That should fix it!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Hey! Have you been radicalized because of overwhelming poverty and hardship while you witness obscene wealth all around you? Well if you have Taco Bell is offering Ju-ju Fritos with house salsa and a large Tacito Mispaso for $1 this week! Inequality never tasted so good!!!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

My great uncle used to say “ what the fuck was that? What was that? Did you fucking hear that?” God I miss him.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

I find Trump off-putting.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

We’re sliding into a great depression led by an amphetamine-fueled fascist, in this midst of a global pandemic. But we’re back open at BUFFALO WILD WINGS! Join us!!!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

5 years

Going into supermarket with a gun to get seltzer.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

This uprising is being brought to you by Toyota. Let’s go places!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Hi I’m Eddie Pepitone! You know being from the working class I blindly support the military and I eat like shit. I respect authority though I have no idea why. I’m usually violent and passionate about sports. I have a few personalities that I pull out depending on the situation.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Hi I’m Eddie Pepitone! You know being from the working class I blindly support the military and I eat like shit. I respect authority though I have no idea why. I’m usually violent and passionate about sports. I have a few personalities that I pull out depending on the situation.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Seriously, if you’re not talking about revolution now, you truly have no heart, no soul, no intelligence. The ruling elites are monsters.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

I was never attacked on stage by Will Smith but my father once called me a disgrace at my baptism.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

There are plenty of days I felt like giving up. But I didn’t. I watched tv and ate no matter how I felt. You can do the same. Believe.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

What is up with Donald Trump? Weird guy to say the least!!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

You heard it here first: Pink Himalayan Salt is bullshit.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

We are all a couple of paychecks away from being homeless. That's why I use Jergens face cream. Jergens. Because it's all very tenuous.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Once I learn how to process my emotions, figure out how to sleep at night, stop eating compulsively, learn to love and find a purpose, then LOOK OUT cause I’m gonna be unstoppable.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Oh man this Kanye/Pete Davison thing is highly emotional for me and my family. We live in a deindustrialized section of the Midwest. We have no real income or health insurance. No jobs with any promise or future. What we do have is celebrity gossip and it keeps us alive.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

I’m just a regular guy watching the war on my phone.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

6 years

There are plenty of days I felt like giving up. But I didn’t. I watched tv and ate no matter how I felt. You can do the same. Believe.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Rising Rents, stress, unemployment, lack of health care and good jobs all go into Taco Bell’s new Chucofrito Bowl. Eleven chucofritos are handsomely arranged with meats from hell and beyond. America is facing a reckoning and we have the food! Taco Bell. It’s almost over.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

A lot of people ask me “ hey Ed how do you get through this bleak time in our history?”. My secret? The new Schick Quattro. 4 blades. The 1st blade cuts everything I love, the 2nd blade cuts my carotid artery, the 3rd blade cuts my phone line, 4th cuts my link to reality. Schick!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Super sad about Bob Saget passing away. Saw him perform in November and he looked great. Sweet man. R.I.P.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

I find Trump off-putting.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

5 years

The only way this virus is taking me down and I mean the only way, is if I get it.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

5 years

A lot of us are going to die and things need to be said: Modern Family never used me once and they can go fuck themselves. Hollywood comedy is , on the whole, fucking terrible and toothless nonsense. #sayitbeforeyougo

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

It’s laughable that people think they will be around forever. Death is coming and sometimes violently. That’s why it’s imperative you get to Applebees NOW! Hot cherry pie and a large soda are yours for free if you show proof of living in a horrible situation! Applebees! Get it

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

In Mexico running for office is a death sentence. That’s why Taco Bell is proud to announce the Murder Bowl. Your choice of protein, your choice of beans but no choice as far as elections. Taco Bell. It’s scary out there but yummy in here!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

As the world falls apart country by country and violence and unrest grow globally we here at Cadbury want you to know we are still making chocolate. We will make chocolate till the last one of you is dead. Cadbury. Death won’t stop us.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

As we watch white supremacist cops and militia goons recklessly shoot our citizens, and a president grasp to conspiracy idiots in a last ditch effort to hold power, there’s no better time to eat at CHILI’S! Dining outside only, due to the pandemic that is no longer containable!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Jada Pinkett Smith said it’s time to heal. With that simple statement she has lifted us out of a morass created by the Pentagon, Wells Fargo, Exxon, Monsanto and Google and Twitter. Big Money can no longer destroy us. Thank you Jada. Thank you Celebrity Culture.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Whatever you do avoid people at all costs.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

A Message from Corporations: Well we did it! We’ve turned America into a wasteland of conspiracy lunatics and Unemployment.We bought legislatures ,the judiciary and academia! We will be extinct soon! That’s why we are offering a free side of onion rings at Applebee’s this weekend

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

7 years

Remember you are a tool of corporate power. You are disenfranchised, bitter and confused. Why not try a Snickers?

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

7 years

This Thanksgiving I’m thankful that the Uber breach has not affected my family yet. Also the Equifax breach has only hurt me a little and finally thankful that the Yahoo breach crippled an enemy of mine.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Let’s make 2021 a great year with all kinds of awesome things like: 1) making politicians fear for their lives because we will have pitchforks outside their homes. 2) making wise food choices. 3) learning to forge documents. 4) toning our thighs. 5) make billionaires into food.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

2 years

Here's a fun thing: Take your first name and then go fuck yourself.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

There are plenty of days I felt like giving up. But I didn’t. I watched tv and ate no matter how I felt. You can do the same. Believe.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

In April I was planning on writing the great American novel and shedding that excess weight. But now it’s November, and I’ve got an incessant twitch in my eye and I’m carrying a weapon at all times.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Everyone knows we are just a ghost of a species. The endless wars, consumption, hubris and greed have destroyed our world. Here at Whole Foods we honor our extinction by offering two for one on Kettle Corn. Delicious sweet and salty popcorn to watch it all end! Whole Foods!

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Just as in 2016 I am losing friends because I won’t support a war hawk, Wall Street hack. I wish I was a superficial, ill-read moron who watched cable news. Oh well.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

Sure life isn’t going as planned. You wanted to be rich and sexy, but instead the walls are closing in around you and the growth on your neck is starting to speak. Maybe you need a new set of tires. GOODYEAR. Get on the road. It’s all downhill from here.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Know this: you are greatness and light. No, wait, that's not you. Sorry.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

And people wonder how we have become a nation full of idiots.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

The only way to change things is to state your opinion forcibly on social media.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

There is a vicious class war being waged as millions are getting evicted, incarcerated, tear-gassed and even assassinated and that’s why Nespresso is offering a free milk warmer with the purchase of $600 worth of non-recyclable coffee buds. Nespresso. It’s almost over.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

@KeithOlbermann @jimmy_dore @Twitter Olberman you are such an empty suit of boot licking mediocrity. You are a has beens has been! How are you even remotely relevant? Oh right, you aren’t.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

There is a vicious class war being waged as millions are getting evicted, incarcerated, tear-gassed and even assassinated and that’s why Nespresso is offering a free milk warmer with the purchase of $600 worth of non-recyclable coffee buds. Nespresso. It’s almost over.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

3 years

Told you.

whitesoxdave

@barstoolWSD

3 years

This is just brutal timing

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

You know a lot of folks say to me “ I will fucking kill you” and I know what they mean. That’s why I take Nutriflex. It’s soft and comes in eleven separate containers. My family loves Nutriflex and the wars that Nutriflex causes and incites. Nutriflex. No one knows what it s.

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

6 years

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eddie pepitone

@eddiepepitone

4 years

We are completely divorced from nature, from innate wisdom. We feed on sugar, empty calories and emptiness in general. We are feeding on ourselves and that’s why The House of Pancakes is offering chocolate chip pancakes for half off for as long as Covid 19 lasts! HOP! Let’s Eat!

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