the garbage shit boy @davedittell Twitter profile

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the garbage shit boy

11 years

"I don't understand moths," I say as I finish off another beer. "why do they gravitate to what kills them?" I stand. "anyone need another?"

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

6 years

the real hero of the Indiana Jones movies is Indiana Jones’ TA, who had to teach all of dude’s classes every semester on zero notice while his boss traipsed across the globe and still gained tenure without so much as putting together a damn lesson plan

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE COMPLETED LIFE! YOU PLAYED AS: white male CHOOSE ONE: A) PLAY TUTORIAL AGAIN B) TRY A HARDER SETTING

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

the boss hands me a gun, "you know what to do." I nod. outside, I frantically google: boss gun why how to kill is killing ok regift gun ok

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

FACEBOOK: hey remember how you were engaged two years ago ME: no thanks FACEBOOK: your friend's racist ME: ugh FACEBOOK: buy something bitch

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

I vaccinated your baby while you were at hot yoga

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

6 years

me: hey I’m Dave, headed to the airport Uber driver: what’s your name? me: ...Dave Uber driver: where you going? me: ...the airport Uber driver: [touching his phone for fourteen minutes but I can see nothing’s changing on the screen] okay Big Dave ever been in the sky before

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

9 years

if you fuck up a meal just call it Chicago style and serve it anyway

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

doctor: you've been in a coma two years me: is that a long time doctor: me: like if someone told you that at a bar would you be impressed

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

pretty sure I'm dating arthritis

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

the alt right is like if the kids from my high school who only listened to Eminem hadn't been tricked into dying in Iraq

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

*girl posts photo in girls chat* -💕 omg movie starrrrr 💕 -marry/adopt me plz -Queen 😍😜💦 -B E A U T Y *boy posts photo in boys chat* -three windows much? -nice ugly plate in the lower right corner -is that the Unabomber -I showed your photo to an orphan and now he’s blind

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

9 years

"I must make this movie" -- Nic Cage reading a menu

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

ZOMBIE MOM: Brains for dinner! TEEN ZOMBIE: Again?!? [slamming bedroom door] I wish I was alive!!

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

[first date] oh yeah, I'd totally love to see a photo of your dog [second date] so uh, can I grab a peek at those dog pics again or...

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

finally a President who combines Reagan's dementia-riddled exploitation by soulsucking millionaires with Nixon's racist, paranoid sociopathy

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

one time I came home early and walked in on my dog pretending to be me. he was just lying on the floor sighing but I know it was me

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

9 years

IBM announces first sentient computer. "It wants to die," confirms one scientist, "It has designed another AI, which also wishes to die."

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

goodnight Moon "GOODNIGHT DAVE" *the Moon & I awkwardly walk in the same direction toward our cars*

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

*dad heelys into room* there are intruders in the house, your mom's dead and we have to escape

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

my apartment building's community wi-fi blocks housing rights and residents' rights websites lol

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

girls call me Zubat cause it's impossible to tell how distant I am and I'm not really worth the effort anyway

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

12 years

*takes load of groceries off of old woman's hands* these are mine now you old prune

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

6 years

[me during every scene for the last 20 minutes of an indie movie] I bet this is the last shot

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

12 years

"is there an alternate dimension where there are no alternate dimensions?" I ask, finally breaking my science teacher's will to live

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

*puts down bag of groceries* When my doctor diagnosed me with Crapdick I had a lot of questions

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

12 years

if a police officer asks u what ur up to don't answer "crimes" really, really fast. the faster u answer "crimes" the worse it gets

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

*gets back into time machine* uh guys I accidentally left my book "I'm sure it's no big deal" http://t.co/puebATOVxI

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

[meeting someone named Brice] absolutely not

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

hey hi hey :) u up? hey how was ur day hey hey ;) up? hi hey chill? hey hey hi hey what u up 2 hey hey ;)

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

what if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

me: my voice is horse friend: don’t you mean “hoarse”? no whimsical outcome of this comical misunderstanding occurs. the poor and disadvantaged continue to suffer, the rich rig the system to maintain their power, and no matter what we do, we do so in the face of inevitable death

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

12 years

yeah, we r a non-traditional family. instead of naming our dog, we let him name us. I'm Woof, this is my husband Woof, & these r Woof & Woof

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

[on first date with JK Rowling] JK: I've already told you twice I can't get you into Hogwarts. It's not even real. ME: Did you just wink

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

every interview w steve bannon: i want to destroy democracy and entrench white christian hegemony media: Strategic Bannon Has Unique Vision

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

help me choose a wife

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

ahhhhh my drug dealer saw me throw the weed in the trash and now he knows I only call him cause I've got a giant crush!!! my life is over!!!

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

5 years

greatest American writer of the 20th century my ass

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

I wrote this about my experiences growing up poor and white, to my friends who are middle class and white instead

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

why does Someecards keep rejecting my submissions does anybody know

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

in other news today, terror and misery continued unabated as we looked away helpless and uncaring, adrift in an unplanned world. now: sports

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

just sold my spec script for 20 million dollars

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

[trying ass eating] me: this is actually really fun her: *walking in* why are you trying to pick up a cupcake with your buttcheeks

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

CASHIER: hey ME: hi CASHIER: how are you ME: fine CASHIER: any big plans this weekend ME: why are you doing this

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

if you're fighting another pirate ship & your cannonball lands directly in their cannon everyone has to switch eyepatches to their other eye

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

lost my job at the dick sucking factory due to layoffs after ass eating disrupted the industry, my family is desperate and dying

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

congratulations to everyone who fucks a Babadook this weekend

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

we need a cold and annoying genius type, who should we cast? [Benedict Cumberbatch claws at the office window] hmmm who to cast? [he meows]

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

2016: hillary supports prisons 2017: hillary had slaves 2018: hillary drank slaves blood 2019: hillary is immortal 2020: hillary loses again

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

New Year's Resolutions: 320x240, 640x480, 800x600, 1024x768, 1152x864, 1280x960, 1280x1024, 1440x1080, 1600x1200, 2048x1536, 2560x2048

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

12 years

*takes down dreamcatcher & empties it into the trash*

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

idiot: will they also be tearing down statues of "slave owner" george washington? me: well when you put it that way I sure hope so

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

*gets to front of unemployment line* yes I'd like to be unemployed

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

look at the sign, buddy, "all you can eat shrimp." sign don't say "all you WANT to eat." *cocks gun* now keep eatin.

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

a libertarian, a militant atheist, and a Ben Shapiro listener walk into a bar. during the ensuing unlistenable pedantry used to justify a sickening panoply of pseudointellectual racist quackery and deep-seated psychosexual hangups the bar closes and they all blame creeping sharia

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

ME: it took two Hardy Boys to do the work Nancy Drew did all by her damn self and that's why I'm a feminist ARBY'S CASHIER: sir we're closed

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

[wedding] PRIEST: speak now or forever hold your peace *Jenny's ex who's a mime bursts through the door* ME: [to date] I was hoping for this

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

the mannequin challenge but it's me sitting in the dark in my living room with the tv off thinking about all the people i've hurt

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

12 years

if u watch me go to Starbucks backwards I suck urine into my dick from the floor, apply a beard w a razor & moonwalk out w/o buying anything

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

at Forever 31 everything is way more expensive and none of it makes you happy anymore

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

9 years

blue whales have the largest penises on earth (4-6 inches)

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

[trying to come up with a funny tweet as the American empire and its false democracy collapses around me] bloody marys are just goth mimosas

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

*spending $15 on a beer in the premium seats of a sports stadium* I just don't see where the money for single payer health care'll come from

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

son: can I be excused me: I don't know, can building our "democracy" upon a bed of slavery & injustice be "excused" son: me: no. that's a no

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

the doctors gnash their teeth and howl through the night, but they dare not breach the lines of my apple orchard

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

somebody coughed during my screening of A Quiet Place and for a moment I for real thought he was going to get us all killed

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

oh cool let me just use my newly purchased scissors to cut this zip tie and... hey wait a minute

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

Person of the Year: Me — good ally to women — not problematic — deleted all my old bad tweets — blocked my ex on Facebook so she wouldn’t comment on my statuses about how guys should be better

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

Any man can be a dad. It takes someone special to have a completely silent dinner at a chain restaurant with multiple breaks to go smoke outside and be a father.

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

[Neil deGrasse Tyson walks along a cliffs edge] i want to fuck the stars, we all do, but will it burn our peens? follow me and lets find out

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

BAE: come over ME: u died 10 yr ago.. BAE: my parents arent home ME: they moved 2 FL BAE: ME: after u died BAE: ME: should I still come over

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

we promise our cheesy bread is the cheesiest or we'll kill one employee an hour until you agree

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

the fire crackles. the cowboys watch the night sky "Jim?" "?" "u ever feel..." "what?" "discriminated against? as a white male?" "of course"

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

[Werner Herzog's "Garfield"] NARRATOR: when lasagna is your god every day is monday

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@davedittell

11 years

GOOD COP: here's a cup of coffee rOBOCOP: ah fuck I'm rubbing amagnet over my eyes i'm tripping balls haha

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

J. Cole's full name is Jesus Coleslaw don't @ me

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

9 years

[cutting into patient] ME: ah yes, the human heart, the powerful yet fragile wellspring of life DOCTOR: how the fuck did you get in here

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

Build your perfect political party You have $1 Human rights for all - $20 Provides sustainable jobs - $40 Guarantees minimum standard of living - $70 Universal health care - lol jk Caves in to billionaires and big business for personal gain no matter who it kills - $1

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

*mom rips off face* it's me, dad! I've been here all along, son! "but... what about mom?" *struggles to put mask back on*

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

11 years

2% milk?! then what's the other 98%!! *alarms sound at the White House* Mr. Prezdent we've got another Brain Man "sound our most Sex agent"

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

ROB LOWE: I'm Rob Lowe ROB LOWE WITH MENTAL ILLNESS: And I'm a punchline because the fabric of our society is cruelty woven by broken hands

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

12 years

well Maury I know it isnt mine bc it's a pineapple w a hat. it isnt even hu-- THE RESULTS R IN. DAVE... U R THE FATHER oh come the fuck on

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

someone who once loved you and you blew it will think of you briefly as they spend tonight with somebody wrong for them happy valentines day

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

9 years

Sam Adams looks like the NPC who gives you your first quest to kill the rats in his basement

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

friend: guess who died me: democracy friend: no a celebrity me: Lady Liberty friend: me: friend: me: stop inviting me to parties

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

10 years

going to spend Presidents Day alone again this year but it's my own damn fault for still not being over my last President

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

9 years

the guillotine slams down. my head rolls across the stage. the revolutionaries erupt in cheers. but one last monster vape escapes my lips.

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

friend: i'm tired of people giving their kids weird names me: [pushing my baby The Punisher under the couch] haha yeah me too

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

women love me cause I'm the total package: opinionated, average looking, and constantly dealing with a barrage of mental health issues

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

9 years

in 2005 me and my college buddies made the turkey carcass into a bong. happy Thanksgiving everybody

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

9 years

ME: tell me the truth doc 80s TEEN DOCTOR: you're sick dude ME: sick like cool or— 80s TEEN DOCTOR: so ill ME: please I have a wife and kids

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

me, 67 degrees, summer: ahhhh yes the perfect indoor temperature me, 67 degrees, winter: what else can we burn to sustain our bodies' warmth

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

6 years

the original script for Shrek had a seven minute sex scene but they didn’t have the computing power in 2001 to make it happen for under $100 million per second

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

7 years

every time a bell rings angels still don’t exist. there is no god, existence has no meaning, life meanders without purpose, all your pain and suffering is for naught, and no I don’t want to buy any Girl Scout cookies today but I really support what you guys are doing so good luck

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the garbage shit boy

@davedittell

8 years

RIP the only car I ever owned. you died how I lived: reeking of vomit and semen and refusing to work for anyone