Dan Wickes @dan_wickes Twitter profile

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Dan Wickes

3 years

I just found out a comedian I know finds it annoying how often I mention winning the 2021 Coney Island Comedy Festival. I on the other hand think it’s funny. And I know funny. It’s why I won the 2021 Coney Island Comedy Festival

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Ruffles are just corduroy chips

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

“Did you know Kyrsten Sinema is bisexual?” Yeah, she just fucked millions of men and women

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 months

Suicide is selfish. You should let one of your friends kill you, they’ve wanted to for quite some time

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

2 years

Joe Rogan has brought me to the unfortunate realization that psychadelics do not in fact expand your mind

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

JK Rowling only thinks IT is a scary book because it’s a gender neutral pronoun

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Thanksgiving isn’t going great. My dad is throwing a fit because my sister brought home Pete Davidson

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Honestly, once there’s a vaccine it seems ridiculous to not try a little bat

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

They should feed the losing team to Armie Hammer

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Olive Garden won’t be authentically Italian until they burn it down for the insurance money

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Before having sex, women often feel they need to shave, possibly take a pill, and not be on their period. Daunting. But before I have sex, I feel I need to not masturbate for a day, which is almost impossible

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

2 years

My roommate is fucking his girlfriend on Easter Sunday of all days

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Therapists: “everything you say stays between us” Standup comic: “lemme tell you about my therapist”

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

There’s no reason to feel sad when a fictional character is killed off. They died doing what they loved, advancing the plot

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

I like Care Bears. They’re not like those other bears that don’t give a fuck

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

10 months

Topher Grace should write a letter asking the judge to give a harsher sentence

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

There is also a significant opportunity to not hike the prices of their covid vaccine

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

The reason sunsets are beautiful is that the sun does its best work when approaching a deadline

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Caitlyn Jenner is a woman. Elliot Page is a man. And if you don't believe that, look at which one killed somebody with their car

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Lockdown protestors are not like Rosa Parks, they’re like the person that called 911 because McDonald’s was all out of nuggets

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

I think Chris D’Elia may have misunderstood fuck 12

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Spongebob not being gay would be a waste of holes

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Twitter is for girls who have lots of sex and boys who have none at all

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Imagining a guy who’s into BDSM and runs for office so he can have a sex tape leaked to achieve his ultimate humiliation fetish

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

You think you weren’t the favorite child? Luigi is literally a Mario Brother

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Die Hard is absolutely a Christmas movie. Nobody died harder than Jesus

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

“I think I’m like Jim from The Office” -guy who is like Michael from The Office

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Chris D’Elia put out a nine minute “apology” where he barely acknowledged the actual accusations and rambled about how his sexuality has dominated his life. He basically pulled a Kevin Spacey but came out as straight

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

I don’t get “with a cherry on top.” Cherries are the worst part of the sundae. The phrase should be “with ice cream underneath”

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Eric Clapton’s son is gonna pretend to not know his name in heaven

Guitar World

@GuitarWorld

3 years

Eric Clapton successfully sues 55-year-old German widow for listing bootleg CD on eBay for $11

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

2 years

Check out Obama’s Spotify playlist for the best songs to listen to while not codifying Roe v. Wade into federal law

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

My roommate is fucking his girlfriend on Easter Sunday of all days

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

I’m a troubled artist. My trouble is that my art is bad

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

I remember when I first met Chuck E. Cheese

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

It sucks that we finally get a legitimately insane conspiracy-obsessed congresswoman and instead of declassifying documents on aliens and pedophiles she just spends all of her time yelling at black people

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

John Lennon should’ve imagined not beating his wife

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Oh, so you think Baby It’s Cold Outside hurts women? Where was this energy when Grandma got run over by a reindeer?

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Scotland will now record a rapist’s gender as the one they identify as, which can be female. This is in shocking contrast with the United States, which would not record the rape at all

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Somehow I’ve gone another day without harassing a woman on the internet. Weird. Can’t believe we’re not all doing this

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

If Caitlyn Jenner and Kanye West can run for office then I think we should be allowed to vote for who marries the Kardashians

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

How did Ted Cruz’s wife become a Goldman Sachs executive when she made such a terrible long-term investment?

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

I saw Rush Limbaugh trending and was worried he was still alive

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Honestly it would be pretty funny if the vaccines killed everyone in Congress

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

@tony_ferraro7 If Uno is about power then isn’t it automatically about sex?

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Don’t reopen bars. Reopen saloons. We can all agree that this town ain’t big enough for the two of us

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Cancel culture. All of it

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

How it started: How it’s going:

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

It seems the republican strategy is “if we kill everybody then there will be zero percent unemployment”

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

The police said the attack in Atlanta may not have been racially motivated because they didn’t do it

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

2 years

The only thing worse than Swedish people not feeding their guests is what British people feed theirs

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Ok I know we’re all laughing but Melania might lose her soulmate

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

The term cum dumpster is canceled. It’s sexist and also you should be composting

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

I’ve had sex !⃝ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗰𝗹𝗮𝗶𝗺 𝗶𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗽𝘂𝘁𝗲𝗱

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Good lord, I thought WE were a divided nation

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Facebook is down. Finally, we can get this country vaccinated

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Paramount Network has cancelled the show COPS. In solidarity, police officers have been deleting their body cam footage for the past five years

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

I’m calling it. This will be the summer of the croga (crop top toga)

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Last night a girl came up to me and said she follows me on Twitter, then went into the bar. My friends who saw were mad that I did not get her number, Instagram or even Twitter handle. If only there were some way for me to put something on the internet that she might read

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Why is it called social anxiety and not commotion sickness

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

On this site you’re more likely to read a good take from the handle bonerpills420 than you are from a person with a blue check mark

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Now that dating is over I gotta something off my chest: astrology is dumb and I hate it

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

9 months

Calling my senator (Chuck Schumer) to ask him to get his niece to shut the fuck up

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 months

Sure Destiny hasn’t read a lot of books but I bet Norman Finkelstein hasn’t played a lot of video games

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Standup is way better than improv. If improv was good somebody would have written it down

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Working from home? I prefer to think of it as living at work! *sheds single tear*

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

One of the coolest things you can do as a dude is ride a motorcycle with a girl on the back and it’s because it’s the only way to feel alpha while being the little spoon

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

I miss the Obama administration. Things were still really bad, but I hadn’t noticed

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

“Enough with the virus, these kids need to get their education” -person who hasn’t read a book in 12 years

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

I write a lot of female comics’ tweets. Specifically the ones where they screenshot the absolutely batshit insane message I left in their replies

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

HBO Max is airing Woody Allen’s movies and also a documentary about him being a pedophile like it’s a surgeon general’s warning

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

@itsdannyneary Not sure if this was intentional but Ben Affleck was arguing with Sam Harris, who has elsewhere pretty much said “black people shoot each other”

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Enough years have passed. Stacy herself has got it going on

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

1 year

Poor people Rich people 🤝 Being underwater due to finances

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Hey if you’re an incel virgin plotting a mass shooting keep in mind that the end-of-quarantine fuckfest might make this your lucky summer. At least wait until the fall

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

The Magic School Bus exists to prepare us for budget cuts so severe that the school bus is now driven by the science teacher

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

5 years

Shoutout to everybody enjoying my tweets and not liking or retweeting, let’s keep this account our little secret 😉

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

I just got fired from my job as a personal trainer. Apparently you can’t refer to squats as “butt stuff”

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

The hamburglar is the only criminal who dresses like he’s already been arrested

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

I wanna meet my wife at Taco Bell. She will be my Taco Belle

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Godzilla writers in 1954: What if we made a poignant critique of nuclear weapons and the destruction of the natural world Godzilla writers today: What if the big lizard fought the huge monkey?

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

My wife said we shouldn’t have sex because of the pandemic. I said I didn’t realize the pandemic started in 2009. Right? Fellas?

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Jeff Bezos’ space trip is the only time I’ve wished Amazon was worse at processing returns

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

2 years

Every year we furiously debate which films should win an award named after a guy who lives in the trash

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

All I want for my birthday today is 541 more followers. Assuming I don’t lose any, in which case I’d like a few more. Here are some of the hits to entice you to stick around after today

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

2 years

Gaslighting isn’t real. It’s all in your head

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Johnson & Johnson’s single shot vaccine isn’t anything special, it’s just two doses of the Johnson vaccine

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

I miss being a virgin. It was nice thinking that having sex would solve all of my problems

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Standup comedy is like therapy because it’s a complete waste of time and money

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

I’m gonna raise my kids Catholic. I don’t believe in it, I just want them to have something to complain about at parties when they’re older

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

Stop being jealous of who John Mulaney dates and go back to being jealous of him being funnier than you

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

If I were president I would definitely pack the court. The court is what I call my bong

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

3 years

The two genders are Diet Coke and Baja Blast

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

“Kanye being in the race is extremely irresponsible. It’s going to split the vote and leave us stuck with the guy we hate instead of the candidate close to our politics” -person who voted for Elizabeth Warren

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes

4 years

Dang I’m so close to getting all the politicians to support ending the police state but I just can’t figure out the right phrase

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Dan Wickes

@dan_wickes