Dadman Walking @dadmann_walking Twitter profile

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Dadman Walking

2 years

one thing about adulthood i was not prepared for was how many cardboard boxes i'd have to breakdown and throw away all the time.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 months

Someone dressed their llama up as a groomsmen in their wedding and why am I obsessed with this? 😂💀

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

dog: [brings sticks inside] me: no that belongs outside me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside] dog: what the actual shit is this

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

40% of my wife and I's conversations go like this: me: what? wife: i was talking to the dog

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

how's your Monday going? i hate mine.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

i hear the blender going in the kitchen. Only my 10 and 8 yo are awake. my wife is not home. i'm stuck on a conference call. oh no.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

Raising teenagers makes raising a toddler look like the easiest time in my life. Sorry for the bad news, toddler parents.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

97% of parenting is just saying "oh wow" to your kid when they do something totally not wow.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

5 years

@human_not_bees @Tobi_Is_Fab well that scared the crap out of me.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

5 years

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere. Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

5 years

1980s parents DGAF. I broke my arm at a friend's house when I was 5 and my mom didn't believe me and shoved it in my coat because it was time to go home and she didn't have time for this.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

5 years

My wife's mastectomy was successful and I'm 100% relieved that this breast cancer lost and I get to keep her. ❤️

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

9 months

me: do you need to go potty? Dog: no [Storm moves in] Dog: you're not gonna believe this.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 years

after a 1 year and 11 month battle my wife just got scan results today that she is CANCER FREE.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 years

betty white turns 99 in 4 days. SOMEONE KEEP HER IN A BUBBLE!!

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

dear lord the kitchen is fine and they cleaned up but their smoothie consisted of cheese puffs, kiwi milk and ice. i'm gonna vomit. they drank it all.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

Things I've realized are bullshit since my wife has been in bed recovering from surgery: 1. You clean the house and it's suddenly dirty again and you have to effin clean it AGAIN. 2. You clean the kitchen and it's dirty 4.2 seconds later 3. I finish the laundry and there's

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

overheard 13 bragging to his friend that he's an adult now and he can download and do whatever he wants on his phone and his parents can't do anything about it. So i went on my phone into our family app and locked him out of his cell phone. try me again bruh.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

gonna create a website called older fans and it's just me telling you what part of my body hurts today and what minuscule task i was doing that caused it

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 years

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

before becoming a parent i didn't know i could ruin someone's life by providing them with food, water, juice, clothes, entertainment and shelter for free.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

9 months

Type in “Thank my Amazon driver” to your Amazon search bar and they’ll give your last delivery driver an additional $5 at no cost to you! Happy holidays!

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

I now have a coworker that was born the year I started working here. I am unwell.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

@lifeattiffanys bro knows how to do friday. 😂😂

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

my superpower is ruining my kids life by telling them to empty the dishwasher in between their schedule of doing nothing and nothing.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

8 months

dog: [hasn't touched one dog toy in the house] me: [puts all the toys back in the basket] dog: wtf are you doing? [Pulls them all back out]

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 years

My wife's about to walk in and get her chemo port OUT and this is now finally over.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

I have to apologize for pretending to be a good father on here. I treated my 7 yo awful today and I'm not proud of it. I should not have asked him to take a shower this morning after his last shower was 5 days ago. I am sorry for my horrible actions.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked "dripping bruh". he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

5 years

Wife: wtf are u doing?! Me: eating Oreos. Wife: you're dipping them in whiskey. Me: I'm living my best life Linda

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

me: finally we have some savings built up again our dryer: oh that's so awes- *dies*

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 years

Fact: kids have 2 stomachs. One is the meal stomach. It's about the size of a pea. This is why children cannot consume a full breakfast, lunch, dinner. The second stomach is the snack stomach. This stomach stretches and has infinite amount of space.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

8 months

fruit stripe gum is being discontinued after 50 years. i'll forever remember you as the most exhilarating 11 seconds of flavor in my life.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

6 months

I rate how good a show is based on whether or not it keeps me off my phone

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

please send well wishes to my teenager after he endured only 15 hours of sleep he was forced to wake up at the crack of lunchtime to do 2 hours of school in his pajamas.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

Apparently after your wife finishes a pint of ice cream the correct response is not "holy shit I've never been able to finish a whole pint".

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 years

How old were you when you found out Bar stands for Beer & Alcohol Room? I was today years old.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

10 months

i'm gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don't need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

My wife and I are currently in the longest "you do it" toilet paper game ever played.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

This introvert just socialized for 13 straight hours. Not to be dramatic but I'm never speaking to the human race again

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery for my 13 yo who had to empty the trash can and take it outside after sleeping for 13 hours.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 months

Me as a teenager: Look at that. Why is that idiot out walking around his yard looking at everything? Me at 41: Well I better get a beer and go walk the lawn before it gets dark out and check on everything.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

As a 90s kid, I have been searching for this pizza since 1995.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

wife: we're going to have fun doing this family activity and making memories today our kids: the hell we are.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

My teen said I was old and out of touch. I told him to eat my shorts cause that's hella whack home skillet.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

6 months

Everyone in their 40s and older during half time: Usher! Alicia keys! Who's that? Why's he dressed like a toddler ready for church Lil Jon! Ludacris! Who's that Who's that

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

My Grandma died. I grieved her a few years ago because the dementia robbed her memory of us. This was the last time I saw her in 2019. It was a good visit. She had moments of knowing who I was. At least she led me to believe.😪 I wanted to remember her this way. She worsened

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

3 years

my wife went upstairs to change into pajamas while i was downstairs with all the kids. That was 3 damn hours ago and she's asleep. well played. well. Played.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

I came to the dog park so my dog could socialize, not me. Stop talking to me.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

11 months

All dads: let's buy these $5 pumpkins at Walmart and save money and everyone's happy. All wives: no I'd rather buy 2 pumpkins for $376 at the pumpkin patch and yell at the kids for 2 hours trying to take cute pictures and then everyone goes home mad and crying.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 years

It's my birthday. 37 and no where to go. Cheers, I guess

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

5 months

I just learned that water towers are not just filled to the top with water. They are empty with pipes running inside them. My whole childhood is crushed. I always had nightmares of falling into one of those giant things and drowning.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

Stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Idaho.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

3 years

my barber said he was born in 1992 and suddenly my pockets filled with werthers originals

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

This morning my wife is having reconstructive surgery after beating breast cancer at the end of 2020. We'd appreciate your thoughts and prayers for today and for her recovery. It's a 6 hour surgery.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

toddlers drink juice like they're trying to waterboard themselves. Take a break bro.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

13 had me drop him off at a birthday party around the corner from the house because of "how embarrassing" i am. i was so close to telling him how ugly of a baby he was and i still had to be seen in public with him. being a responsible loving and understanding parent is bullshit

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

8 months

Accurate

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

fellow husbands, if your wife complains that the house is cold all you have to do is tell her she'll warm up if she does the housework. Follow me for more marriage tips.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 years

walmart is now requiring masks but lets be honest, we all should have always been wearing a mask in walmart well before the pandemic.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight - no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 years

my wife finished her last radiation appointment yesterday. After a 2 year fight with breast cancer, multiple surgeries, treatments, doctor visits- she's cancer free and has her port taken out next week. life will return to a new normal and cancer can take a hike.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

this dude just introduced himself on a work call and said he had a "30 month old". so we're not gonna be friends.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 years

Covid-19 can't stop the old men of mcdonald's from having their weekend coffees together

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

3 years

i don't mean to be dramatic but becoming an adult has ruined my life

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

3 years

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

One day your little one is talking your head off and then suddenly they're a teenager wearing headphones in the car so they don't have to talk to you. i miss him and he's right next to me.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

that moment you don't want the food at home but you also don't want to get dressed and go get some but you also don't want to order it through an app for 200% markup so you starve

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 years

hell hath no fury like a toddler who loses the chance to push a button of any kind.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 months

It's 7:36 am and my wife's on the phone with someone and already asking for a Manager. So I'm gonna go ahead and look busy now

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

3 years

if you're struggling with your toddlers now, don't worry. It changes. Not for the good though, it's actually worse. Way worse. like, horrifying. I hope this helps you.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

8 months

Welcome to your 40's. You now park at the further parking spot so no one dings your car. Then you say "we can use the exercise" when someone complains about how far you are from the store

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

One day you're young and hip and then one day you wake up and you have a favorite towel.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

8 months

Hey toddler parents - I have a teenage son now. i'd rather have 50 toddlers if that tells you anything about how great a teenager is. ok bye. hope this helps you.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

you want to know how old you really feel? stop drinking caffeine and popping ibuprofen. then, just wait.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

8 months

One thing I miss about being a kid is fake sleeping in the car so I can be carried inside. My wife ain't falling for it this is bullshit.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

1 mcdonald's big mac meal: $6.99 1 mcdonald's big mac meal delivered by Grubhub: $917.47

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

who needs alcohol after 40 when i can just stand up too fast and get the same result instead?

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 months

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

3 months

This is your reminder to teach your boys how to cook so they can feed themselves whenever they want and not have to rely on their future spouse.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

My 9 yo just came downstairs and said he and his 7yo brother were playing a game they called doggy style. They were dressing up our dog in different clothes. I almost died.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

new parents piss me off. you're not going to discover some secret to a better behaving kid. stop making videos and posts about how you're doing it better. you have one kid who can't move or talk yet. you'll be broken like the rest of us soon enough amanda and chad.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 months

please send thoughts and prayers for my 9 yo. he's bored because he can't play the nintendo switch right now because we're in our tornado safe spot trying not to die tonight.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

Show me the weirdest thing in your town with zero context. Here's mine.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

5 months

My wife and I are currently on day three of a silent argument of who is going to clean the lasagna pan that's soaking next to the sink.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

my 9 and 7 yo each had a friend sleep over this weekend. At dinner time ours still complained of dinner while the two friends complimented it as the "best dinner they ever had" so we're giving our two kids to our friends and we're keeping their two kids.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

@steve_macdonald @TheFigen_ bro literally the first rule of the internet since the beginning of its existence is don't believe everything or really anything...AI or not..also this is a damn dancing cat.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

3 years

my kids didn't want me to buy this antique doll for their room. i have no idea why.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

5 years

Kid: Kid: Kid: Kid: Kid: Kid: Kid: Kid: Kid: Me: [turns on favorite show] Kid: DADDY I HAVE A QUESTION WHY IS BLUE A COLOR!? WHY DO I EXIST? WILL GRIZZLY BEARS EAT BANANAS?

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

5 years

I'm a morning person. My wife is not. Me: [huge smile. Drinking coffee] Morning babe! Her: I want to punch your face inside out. Stop smiling. STFU.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

5 years

The coronavirus is contracted through human contact So us introverts are gonna be JUST FINE.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

@InterestingsAsF This is an accurate depiction of me gaining weight throughout the year.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

2 years

if it's warm enough in your house during the cold months for you to not have to wear a hoodie, pants, socks and a blanket then you're rich

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 years

Christmas tradition! We wrap the kids door up with wrapping paper so they see it in the morning and can bust thru it. They freaking love it. It definitely wakes us up and is fun to hear their giggling and laughing when they break through 😂

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 months

My wife and boys are out of town the past couple days. 14 called me last night. When I answered I asked if he had needed something. he said "nothing I just wanted to check on you and how you're doing" ❤️❤️ So teenagers are not complete buttheads and this dad's heart was filled.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

3 years

we homeschool. 12 started school by himself at 6:30 this morning. i asked why he started already and he said "i just want to get this done so i can get back to being lazy sooner" right on bro.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 years

instead of saying happy new year to people I'm just gonna say may the odds be ever in your favor.

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

4 years

i'm tired of eating dinner with tiny mean ass food critics every night

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Dadman Walking

@dadmann_walking

1 year

wife and I are having some day drinks and just purchased a $900 hot tub on sale for $70 online. I'm sure it's fine. There will be a follow up to this tweet when and if it arrives.

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